To get things out of the way: yes it is hard being alone. But it is also hard to be with someone and is very hard to take care of kids and family and such. And it is waaay harder to be with wrong person. There are no easy roads in life and being single is one of the easiest.
Now I’ll focus on practical advise:
- gym every day. No excuses. If you don’t know what to do or lack motivation- get a personal trainer.
- besides gym pick an active “hobby”. Cycling, rollerblading, running, skiing, surfing etc. You need self-supporting way to spend time outdoors. Again: do seek instruction.
- learn to play music. It is very healing and rewarding. Also frustrating and hard. Guess what? Take classes. Joining (community) school is great. Getting into local band is amazing. Most importantly here: you do not need to talk to these people. Same goes for drawing studio.
- professional education. Maybe you always wanted to be CPA?
- deep and challenging activities: sailing, diving, flying, mountaineering etc
- checklist reading, movie watching
- study textbooks
- systematic traveling
- volunteer
- build things with your hands and give them away
- learn to recognize your emotional state and how it changes.
My “qualifications”: I was single for ~10+10 years.
- gym every day. No excuses. If you don’t know what to do or lack motivation- get a personal trainer.
Do you people even go to the gym at all?
You need time to recover. Between 3 to 5 days is the most you can humanly do. And that's if you vary your exercises as suggested by a (good) personal trainer. Any more than that and you're just asking for overtraining syndrome. Doubly so if you're nearly 40.
Edit: after seeing the replies here the answer is obviously not. Don't take advice from internet strangers if you don't want to hurt yourselves kids.
I was wondering the same thing. It already takes a very high level of motivation and self discipline to go 3 times a week, going every day requires superhuman levels to so consistently.
This doesn't take into account that your body requires rest, and I don't know how op thinks you can combine this with an active sport like skiing, or something creative like music. You will be drained already from the gym.
Going to the gym every day doesn't mean lifting weights every day , at least not at first. Once you have advanced enough you can certainly lift everyday, focusing on different muscle groups.
The principle is to be active - treadmill, rowing machine, elliptical, etc on days you're not lifting weights are perfectly reasonable expectation after a few months of adaptation period.
You don't have to go to the gym of course, you can do all those activities at home with some very cheap and easy to obtain equipment like rubber bands and/or TRX, but the point I think OP was trying to make is to create opportunities for social interactions.
On days I miss workouts I feel much more groggy and tired, so working out over the years became a necessity which I don't really need to find motivation to do. If you feel bored and tired, try to couple workouts with audiobooks or podcasts, that helps to make the experience more enjoyable and even productive at times.
(I'm nearing 42, working out most of my life 5 days a week at least)
I lift four times a week. Two days a week I do intense cardio. One day a week I do something low impact like yoga or a treadmill incline walk. "Active recovery" is not a new concept.
They said go every day, not do intense workouts every day. Plenty of things you can do at a gym that don't require recovery days. Being there so much should confer some social benefits too.
I'm personally happiest on two heavy lifting days with snatch, cleans and front squats, and then just lots of walking, handstands and some empty barbell work at home on other days.
I've tried to go harder, but doing heavy snatches 4x/week just exhausts me without increasing strength.
I personally go 3x for gym classes like "healthy spine", "mobility", "core" etc. and then 2-3x hard training. But I would say I am very active recently.
Do I feel better? Yes. Was it hard first 2 weeks? Yes, I had even to resort to painkillers.
I think the best for people who sit a lot are core, mobility and back exercises. Huge motivation for me when I finally started prioritizing back on machines and progressed on all other things and finally look like I go to gym :)
Going to a gym doesn't mean doing only one type of exercise, you can do yoga or cardio in the gym as a form of recovery if you mainly train for resistance for example
One could easily take yoga or Zumba 2-3 times a week. Lift some weights 1 day a week and use the treadmill any day you aren't out walking around. No injuries on that schedule.
Every gym I see in socal is always busy. Bonus, you start to see "regulars" and have someone to say hello to.
I like to alternate yoga and traditional gym days. The yoga is still hard work but has more restorative qualities, and often complements my gym work rather well. That said, I still take one or two rest days a week. Being in your thirties comes with some physical boundaries you'd do well to respect.
Yeah especially 38 approaches the barrier (or crossed, depends on genes and previous lifestyle) when body changes for the worse. Weaker, builds strength slower, regeneration takes longer, injuries come easier. Very bad and outright dangerous advice that scare away more people than actually help.
I'd say start with 2x a week, and 2 very important points - start gently since by description body isn't used to working out so it may take many weeks for it to grow connective tissue to handle new load; and start with a coach who will not push you like many love to do, but give you a gradual introduction and help avoid beginner's mistakes and injuries.
The main point is to not make every workout a hated chore that must be done, since such motivation won't last very long and subconsciousness will easily find ways to start avoiding that. Everybody I knew that subscribed to such regime from 0 and wanted to be pushed hard gave up in few months. Such a mindset is reserved further down the line, for specific types of personalities and not an universally good approach.
Once some form of affinity if not outright love for workouts and feeling/effects after forms, and routine sets in, find other sports. Don't just do gym mindlessly every day unless that's the only choice of activity... its rather sad use of all that gained potential when there are so many better, more fun & rewarding activities. Do group sports if you like them (I personally don't), and/or join groups of people doing such activities (ie hiking club must be almost everywhere, its such a basic and great thing).
Some 15 years ago I started ie organizing climbing sessions out of loneliness in similar situation as yours and amount of friends and women that entered my life in short period was non-trivial. Thats further down the line, but just a group similarly-minded people are already a massive boost. Be yourself, find your new hobbies or better passions, and this hard period will be over.
Do NOT spend most of your free time in front of screen, playing games or other rather toxic activities. They will make all negative things worse since its a very lonely hobby despite being in contact with many folks (multiplayer, singleplayer is even worse).
Great advice, but don't treat it as a checklist.
If you like to go to the gym, do it. If not don't do it, leave alone every day.
Your focus should not be in improving yourself and being the best you can be. It's about getting to know yourself better.
What is it that you enjoy. And if you don't know, now's the time to find out. Maybe it's going to the gym, maybe it's finding a great breakfast place. Sitting there, having breakfast, being around other people.
Finding activities that you enjoy doing outdoors, bonus points.
You've already done the first step in asking for advice. Even though it might sound neglectible, that's a great achievement. So many people suffer from depression and have a hard time to take this first step. Congratulations!
Get out there try things, learn who you are. Maybe there's this thing that you always wanted to do places you always wanted to see. Now is the best time to do it.
And if there's no such thing, you've been given a great list of things to try.
> But it is also hard to be with someone and is very hard to take care of kids and family and such. And it is waaay harder to be with wrong person.
Strong disagree. It's a different kind of hard. People can handle hard. Running a marathon is hard but a million do so every year for no reason other than maybe it's hard.
The difference between taking care of kids and having a family is that it's meaningful and to most deeply satisfying. Sure there are some people that don't get any satisfaction, but I think it's fair to say that it's not the typical experience across every Western culture.
Let's stop pretending everything is morally equivalent. "I'm raising an autistic child to be a functional member of society", "oh that's nothing! I just mad Diamond II with 61% win rate over 200 games in League!"
I don't know what "being with the wrong person" means. There is no "right" or "wrong" person as the world doesn't revolve around you. If you're actually in an abusive relationship, you should get out obviously. But what's the alternative? Drifting. Emptiness. No purpose or companionship. Spending the rest of your lives with pets asking for life hacks on how to manage boredom. Video games, netflix, personal indulgence and self gratification, medication.
This is going to be weirdly controversial on this forum but is advice I would give to my children: most people should aim to do what we've been biologically evolved to do, namely find companionship and love w/ someone and raise a family. If you're an outlier and you have a shot of sending someone to Mars, sure, go all in on that, but for nearly everyone else, this is your best chance for a fulfilling meaningful life.
> > But it is also hard to be with someone and is very hard to take care of kids and family and such. And it is waaay harder to be with wrong person.
> I don't know what "being with the wrong person" means. There is no "right" or "wrong" person as the world doesn't revolve around you.
Ho boy. Listen, I was married for 6 years, separated / divorced for 5 years, and now have been married for 10 years. You have no idea what kind of hell those last few years of the first marriage were. I had no idea until I'd been separated for a year, and gotten back to some sense of normalcy. I can't even describe to you what it's like to live in a house where you're emotionally wounded continually, or to realize the best you can hope from an attempt at a "date" is "it didn't explode".
One of the problems my ex and I had getting help was that people just couldn't seem to understand how bad it was. We'd describe something, people would say, "Oh yeah, marriage is hard, it will get better." Well no; our marriage was way worse, and it never got better.
The second marriage is so different. It's the kind of hard you're talking about -- we put in effort, it pays off. We argue, then we sort things out. We're not like some movie romance, but we're fundamentally a team. Some part of it is certainly "I learned something"; but a big part of it was definitely "It wasn't all me".
ETA: And, apparently, my ex has now been married to someone else for 11 years. Again, I'm sure she learned something from the disaster of our marriage that helped her in her second one. But I can't help but think there was something more than that: something difference in personality between myself and her current husband, such that she and I couldn't work things out but the two of them can.
Some of you people are so autistic it needs to be spelled out for you. Being with people who aren't good for you in other ways is similarly terrible. I cited one extreme example and that's the only thing you focus on.
It could be as simple as someone who isn't supportive ever.
And no, the person that tried to kill me wasn't abusive otherwise. She was just very unstable.
> most people should aim to do what we've been biologically evolved to do, namely find companionship and love w/ someone and raise a family.
You misunderstood the point. The GP isn’t saying you shouldn’t do that. They’re saying that if you find yourself in the position where you don’t have mutual love for one another, the relationship could be worse for the both of you than if you were both alone.
> I don't know what "being with the wrong person" means. There is no "right" or "wrong" person as the world doesn't revolve around you.
The person quotes his or her qualifications as being single for 20 years, as though that's a qualification. It was 100% about long term coping mechanisms for persistent loneliness and drifting in life. Why would you want to model that?
I agree I am not a good role model for marital advice. That is why I am not giving any. All my advice is about self-care when your only company on vacation is, for whatever reason, a cat and PlayStation controller.
You’re not wrong. But the “advice” to find someone or “get out of relationship” is never helpful. It is “find a job” kinda one if you don’t understand why.
I hope you’ll find a different way to support your kids if they ever get in a dark and lonely place.
There are biological benefits for a male to stick around and being involved. I dont know but Andrew Tate style dudes don't seem particularly happy or fulfilled despite the show they pit on
Yeah, the point I was trying to make was that marriage and family isn't necessarily some kind of evolutionary imperative, and it doesn't really help the argument to pretend it is. There are plenty of benefits to it without having to invent fake scientific connections.
+1 for physical exercise. Curious though why you (or anybody else) would separate running and/or cycling from the gym? Gym gets its own (emphatic!) category and the sports are separate. Not a criticism, genuinely curious.
Being outdoors is a big differentiator for me. I find (uv) light exposure to noticeably improve my self being. Also I can’t stay productively in the gym for 3 hours, but I can easily cycle.
Same. I loathe gyms, actually. Perhaps Ive been absent for too long to have an honest loathing, I've no attraction to them though (I don't begrudge anybody who likes them or uses them though - easy to see their value).
A bicycle, on the other hand... a thing of beauty.
Gym is important to set a body routine and get it used to “flush” emotions out with sweat. Daily exercise when in vulnerable state is non-negotiable imo (but hard). Not everyone can afford to bike every day. Hence why I recommend gym first.
If the people in the Netherlands can do it - where it's flat, windy, and rainy most of the time - then most people in the US can also do it. If it's too hot, go in the mornings.
Does the Netherlands have huge roads where everyone travels at 50mph+ in huge pickup trucks and SUVs with high hoods and drivers looking at their phones while driving?
Because that is what the majority of Americans deal with. Not to mention a significant majority deal with colder and or hotter and more humid weather. Obviously, it can be done, but the Netherlands is not the standard for low quality bicycling environments.
That’s a matter of clothing and determination IMHO :)
But sure, I get it. Personally I can’t keep up gym habits because the boredom is just overwhelming. I find other forms of exercise easier to stick at. Each to their own.
There are many kinds of gyms and I’m sure you’d like some. But since we’re talking loneliness here I’d particularly recommend to check out (and hang for a while):
Aside from the pragmatic reasons, I think it's a good idea to separate out cardio, muscle-building, and flexibility into its own separate categories, and ensure you consistently dabble in each. Obviously there can be are overlaps, but this taxonomy ensures a good balance.
I would offer an alternative to music - painting. It’s creative from the first brush stroke and requires as much practicing as you feel like. In a lot of our lives, professional and personal, we do a lot of study and repetition. Having something where you can create without that burden can allow the imagination time to flourish.
Those are all great things to do, but I don't think OP needs to do more things, they need to do different things. The biggest thing that jumped out was that they know they need to be with people but work remote and with a huge time shift.
My top advice would be to get an in-person job, even that means less money or moving, or just pivoting to a new industry. Even better find a job where people are your business so you're not pinning everything on socializing with co-workers. The people I know who are like this do jobs where they have to meet/find customers, coordinate people and teams, do on-site projects, etc. They are energized and fulfilled by these interactions even if the job itself isn't that important to them.
Despite the comments bickering about how often to hit the gym or what types of activities overlap -- this comment is right: hit the gym.
Get a personal trainer or try signing up with a CrossFit gym or another gym that has coached classes. You need form instruction, and you need to take it slow.
For me, my mental health and physical health are tied directly to each other and this was the single best thing I did for myself in my late 30s.
gym everyday: I found great success with Pilates. It's usually me + 2-3 other people and the instructor. There's chatting during the session after you become regular. You get to have some social life while exercising. It also helps tremendously with posture, specially for someone who spends all his day in a chair.
It's still hard to do sometimes, like in stronger depressive episodes. But it's way easier than gym at least for me.
It really surprises me how entrenched the idea of “gym” is in everyone’s mind. For me Pilates studio is a gym too. Maybe this is a “transcontinental” thing?
I was single for 10 years after college. Then married for 7 (very very badly). Then single for another 10. I thought I will spend the rest of my days alone. I have two kids now.
Visit every EU capital. Or every national park. Or every bookstore in 100km radius. Just some arbitrary traveling goal that will get you out of the house every month or two.
My problem is something like this. I'm shy at meeting people, yet working out with someone can distract me from this free time. When I have free time I drink. The cycle is unique... I don't know how to explain it but "dreadful free time" ... that's the best i have heard yet.
I would NOT recommend dating apps, you will most likely not find a real connection there and given the circumstances it might give you anxiety you don't need. I have had a similar path and situation lately and some things that have helped me are group activities like playing sports (I play soccer), group gym activities (I attend a strength and conditioning class) and most recently Bible study (I became friends with a Christian group of my area and attend their meetings now). Developing a relationship with God has been a huge upgrade for my life which is hard to put into words, but we also need human contact, and I was praying for that for me last night and this morning before reading this. I will also pray for you to find someone with whom you can share your life forever and never be alone again. If I could only recommend one thing I would say start with exercise, preferably a group. You'd be amazed by how much it can help to cope with loneliness and how much it helps to improve mental health in general. God bless you.
The God thing is only temporary though. At some point you will seek Truth and the world will collapse on you.. Not only will you have an existential crisis, but your friend group will begin to shy away from you.
But otherwise I basically agree. I think God is great for you in the psychological short term. Machiavelli to Dostoevsky agree.
This is my personal opinion. I think it doesn't have to be a short term fix. If you are curious enough and open minded you can find a long term relationship with God that doesn't contradict verifiable truth as long as you are willing to question collectively accepted "truths". For me, Natural theology has been one of the main foundations in my path to get closer to God. Understanding that physics stumbled upon the Spirit of God (the aether / zero point energy) and decided to look away has been super important in this journey. If you look at the recent work from physicist Nassim Haramein you'll see that Creation was not an event in a remote past after which God retired to his throne (Haramein doesn't mention God, but he explains how zero point energy sustains all matter at all times). If you agree that there is a Creator entity and you approve Haramein's theory, then zero point energy is the active force by which the Creator operates, and then creation is happening everywhere, always, and the same force that created everything is actively sustaining everything, everywhere, forever.
I've read 9 years of philosophy. Its never happening.
It gets worse than you know. Not only is the doctrinal god not real... not even the Stoic thiest god more valid than agnosticism. (Epistemology)
It gets worse: There is nothing that says the words of human are more valid than looking to nature. There is 0 way to factually chose between them. (Epistemology)
It continues to get worse: Circles aren't real, they are a construct of human language. Even our knowledge of material things is subject to the same limitations. Organic molecules see the world, and different organic molecules turn this into logical thought. Then we vibrate some air particles as we explain to others. (Ontology)
Anyway, its much worse than you think. Do not read philosophy if you want to continue being happy like you are. All paths in philosophy lead to nihilism.
You will be better served investigating alternative definitions of God, such as the pantheistic god; the panentheistic god (encompassing not just the physical universe but the intellectual one as well); or simply the Aristotelian "first cause" proven (non constructively) to exist of necessity by various cosmological arguments, rooted in ex nihilo, nihil fit and rejection of infinite regress (preferring axiomatics in the Munchhausen Trilemma).
It should be noted that even the late Hitch was unable to defeat the Kalam version of the cosmological argument in debate against Dr. Craig at Biola University.
With 9 years of philosophy reading it should be trivial for you to prompt-expand this comment into its full ramifications.
There can be a God, but I don't see him writing any messages in the sky. I def don't think the doctrines given to us by old men are god.
(Also, I try really hard to stay away from contemporary philosophy because most people are academia, and academia is awful. I genuinely think they are subpar, but mostly because they are indoctrinated with platonic realism and that permeates/infects them.)
You should work on your reading comprehension skills. Everything you have written is a complete non sequitur.
It's useless to copy/paste words from an LLM when you barely understand what they mean, and you are fooling nobody with your self-professed "9 years" of knowledge.
Perhaps yesterday's commenters were right, and HN should just bar all new accounts from posting entirely.
It gets worse: material things aren't real either.
It continues to get worse: Sensations are compounded in our experience to express semantics but the sensations themselves have no inherent semantics, so not only is knowledge arbitrary and pointing to nothing, but there's no objective truth to find, let alone the world and us not existing in any real sense.
This statement is based on a surface level (if that) understanding of Christianity. Machiavelli and Dostoevsky aside, whose criticisms are somewhat deeper but still misguided, there are many thinkers who question the existence of God but acknowledge the benefits of a God-centered society.
I'd strongly disagree with this. Since becoming serious about my faith as a 15 year old from a non-christian background, my life and my friend group has gotten progressively better. I had an existential crisis that helped bring me to faith - basically what is the point of anything if there's nothing beyond this world of matter? I've not had one since, as I don't believe this world of matter is all there is.
How about the truth that most communities are built around some kind of nonsense, and maybe you can deal with a bit of nonsense to enjoy the benefits of community?
I can't think of a way to feel more hollow like the OP describes. Not making any claims or suggestions for others just pointing out how different that would make me feel compared to the suggestion. Different strokes for different folks apparently.
I would say that the empirical data of the number of people who die with a belief in God may contradict your assumption. I'm not religious but I have many religious friends and family members.
I know what it's like growing up in a religious atmosphere. Since you've been trained to think inside the box, you realize the box is nonsense. The problem is thinking that the only valid alternative is that there is no creator and everything is just random (the opposite extreme.) Look into other philosophies like advaita vedanta, buddhism, or progressive science like another commenter mentioned about nassim haramein.
> I would NOT recommend dating apps, you will most likely not find a real connection
Plenty of people found real connections on dating apps. They can be frustrating but remain a good way to meet people. That being said, different people have vastly different experience there, and it can be very frustrating and demoralizing.
I agree with the Christian group sentinment with certain caveats. They can be clique-y, but if you can find your niche, and it'll be the best time of your life. Also, most "non-denominational" groups do funnel into an ideology, mainly Pentecostal, so be aware about that.
The rabbit hole goes deep, and it will be a fulfilling journey, with all its ups and downs. I won't claim it to be your particular panacea, so I won't force it, and won't judge your response. After all "you know how judgemental christians can be!" - Moral Orel
Completely agree. I found freedom, truth, comfort in Christ. From that relationship with God stems everything we need. “I am the way, the truth, and the life,” and “the truth will set you free.”
Most of my friends have either joined religious groups or running teams. I never realized that, besides the philosophical and health components, there was also a social one to it.
So many replies about doing the religion group thing, and op saying “great psychiatrist put me on bunch of antidepressants”, obviously this is U.S. centric. And optimistic in this way. I don’t see anyone not from U.S. replying and maybe it’s irrelevant, but think about it - maybe this is the end and you just counting the days until the end and nothing is coming, you will not meet anybody.
Nice to see your experience. Finding a good church (note: very very difficult) and small group is the right answer for anybody OK with engaging with christian faith. For those who don't believe, it's harder to find a consistent community unfortunately - I wish there could be more secular equivalents of a church small group as I'd join one and would highly enjoy.
- Working remotely by yourself every day sucks. Get a coworking space, shared office, work from a cafe, at least a few days a week.
- Go out. Riding a bike, hiking or even bringing your dog out three times a day keeps you stimulated and makes your body moving. Go to the mountain, go to the beach, go to rivers and parks.
- Join clubs that interest you. You like cinema? Join cinema a cinema talk, a book club, if you like a sport join a club that organise communal things. Doesn't really matter what, since nowadays there are clubs for everything.
- Take a brake from internet. After work, keep yourself busy doing things that don't involve using a screen and even try some hard blocking method to avoid using tech in public spaces.
All this things might help you finding people to connect. Your initial answer should rewritten: "How to be alone?" -> "How to meet people?". The individualistic culture created in the last few decades, exacerbated by social media create a loneliness epidemic; kids have less friend, same for adults, so many people I met told me that online dating sucks, more and more people are using brain medication for anxiety and depression. The situation is not good and individualistic thinking clearly is not working.
The real trick is not learning to be alone, but re-learning how to make friends and share parts of life with others. Humans are social animals.
The loop seems to go like this: remote working + increasingly isolated-by-default urban cultures => social depression => not having the energy to go out => more social depression
Spending too much time on the internet exacerbates this. It seems like a cure, but is really just empty social calories. And too much news is even worse.
Being in a relationship or having kids provides built-in, daily social stimulation. I can almost guarantee that's what you're missing, even if it doesn't feel like that and/or that doesn't sound appealing.
Your skills around doing that with strangers might have also atrophied (some strangers suck, so why deal with that when you have great people at home?).
But... it is a skill that can be rebuilt!
I'd recommend making a plan for social engagement, that feels right, and sticking to it. And there are tiny steps: taking a book to a local library and reading around other people (instead of alone), starting one conversation with a stranger (no matter how short or simple), walking through a park (with dog!), etc. Anywhere there are other people.
As someone who went through something similar to OP recently, the things that saved me: (1) getting a dog, (2) giving up a remote-only job for a hybrid one, and (3) diving back into dating.*
* Bumble. Yes, it sucked. Imho, best way to approach it: only match with people you'd be interested enough to go on a date with, chat just enough to figure out if you vibe (and learn red flags to watch for), then plan an in-person date, and be honest with them about feelings after the first date.
I’ve had several senior neighbours who passed away, after decades of living alone. We’ve always helped each other in one way or another and when they passed, in all cases I thought back about the last time we talked. In all cases the conversations remembered involved kindness. Either from then to us or from us to them and them being grateful. It’s what remains.
Giving kindness is most satisfying. It makes the receiver happy, but it makes you happy as well in a wat that kind of lasts. It’s an interaction that compounds on both sides. I think that’s why church groups, and mentorships, ans teaching, and advisory roles are satisfying. Teaching, giving, coaching all make life far more vibrant emotionally, and far less lonely.
Giving grows the pie, while zero sum games see it as affixed. Trying to compete in the latter will make you lonely. Trying to grow the pie in any kind of local community might make you see things differently.
I'll counter this comment with "watch who you spend your time with". I picked up that nugget from a successful (and happy) guy in North Carolina who does development and has really turned around the small town he lives in with his strategy for revitalization.
He also said to make your bed every morning, which I have done for years. Highly recommend this as it is an act of self care.
Yes, kindness is great, but so is being direct and knowing what you want for yourself. There's literally zero point being kind to someone who is going to take your energy.
If you have community, being kind is a great strategy, but if you are alone then it can be hard (and somewhat risky) to try to go include yourself in a group, especially if you are hurting. The risk is predatory behaviors from others seeing your weakness.
I'm two years ahead of you in this journey. I got divorced after just over a decade with my partner. Social engagements to me were always ad-hoc. I suck at planning so I often found myself more alone than I'd like.
Looking back on the last two years and auditing what worked, I would say routine and lingering were the most important thing.
Trying new things is mentally draining and labor intensive, this is a fact of life for many. What worked for me was finding something I enjoyed (exercise classes) and doing it consistently multiple times a week at the same place for months. With repetition, it's very easy to make new friends. Complaining about one exercise one week turns into making comments about the music the next, and all of a sudden you're getting coffee with friends.
At the start it was very difficult, and I was very bad, but now I'm part of a community and have many close friends. Its a hour per day most days of the week. It's also a jumping off point for everything else social. It provides purpose and self-confidence. Which are prerequisites for everything else meaningful in life.
One other thought to drill deeper into regarding lingering.
I'm the type of guy that always moves with purpose. When I'm done doing something, I'm quick to leave. Looking back on my life so far, I think this has often been mistaken as antisocial.
Every event involving humans is default social. Leaving quickly precludes much of life's social whimsy.
When I started my Ph.D. program, there was a weekly seminar that I started going to. At first, I instinctively left each week immediately after the talk was over. But I noticed that a lot of people would hang around afterwards and chat. Even though I found it a bit awkward, I started following their lead -- a habit I'm very glad I developed!
I'm much the same. It's hard to notice. Coming up having onsites with three and four and five consulting clients in a "normally busy" day (you want 'high touch?' I started before smartphones!) taught me to associate just that purposeful attitude with the satisfying knowledge that I probably wouldn't end the day running further behind when I started.
It's a good energy to bring to work or to a crisis. Everywhere else? Maybe not so much. I appreciate you mentioning it here; it can serve me also, as a reminder to work on that.
"With repetition, it's very easy to make new friends."*
*Assuming you possess the necessary social skills.
I've trained BJJ consistently for over 4 years now. I think fondly of all the people there and feel accepted, but we barely talk, and I'm unable to participate in the locker room camaraderie.
This is probably not a problem OP has, I just felt the need to complain.
I think social skills are mostly just like any other skill: you have to practice them to get better at them. And while you might be more or less naturally gifted at any skill, there is a minimum level which every abled human out there can reach with some effort. You will never be a showman,a car seller or the king of the party but you can have interactions with other human beings and connect with some of them. Just like you can learn to play guitar, juggle 3 balls or do basic algebra.
Wonderful advice Geoff, that's the same kind of thing I started doing when my relationship broke down. You find your community, and the rest will come.
you hit the nail here.. repetition is key! that’s what happens at a workplace or school. You show up every day, do your thing, and have small interactions here and there. Over time, those interactions grow, and you get to know each other on a deeper level and become friends.
This can be replicated with similar activities that involve a schedule, like joining classes, volunteering, or whatever else fits that kind of setup.
Within volunteering, I think it is worth shopping around. Some organisations do not treat volunteers well, and some are great social experiences.
I would try and get something where you can see the results in front of you. I worked years ago at a soup kitchen for the elderly and felt much better for it, than working in a charity shop on a till and feeling like I was just a worker unpaid.
1. This will be tough. That doesn't mean you are doing it wrong.
2. Growth is proportional to your willingness to be uncomfortable.
3. Meds can work wonders, AND you can still be depressed. Medicine resolve biological depression. It doesn't resolve situational depression.
4. You will likely go through the stages of grief as you grieve this change. One of those stages is sadness.
Again, that's okay. You will grow so much as you find new ways to socialize and to enjoy solitude. It will be painful, but that is normal. It is part if the process.
Also again, I'm sorry to hear life took an unexpected turn. I know how hard that can be.
> You will likely go through the stages of grief as you grieve this change.
I think this is a very important observation. I've been through a divorce, and a friend made this observation to me, which I hadn't thought of, and it made a big difference.
Another plus one about grief. I went through a breakup that wasn't like the others, and it was a while before I understood I was experiencing grief (and that I actually didn't know how to navigate that).
I found a book called "Welcome To The Grief Club" by Janine Kwoh that was the right balance of humour for me. It's intended for those dealing with bereavement, and doesn't offer solutions, but I still found it useful for identifying patterns I was experiencing and understanding they were a "normal" part of grief. The brain does some weird things in grief. Only linking here in case it also helps others.
This is great. Also, as somebody going through this change for the second time, I'll add that things come in waves. Sometimes grief, sometimes loneliness, sometimes regret, etc. It'll swell and seem to last for forever, but then it'll pass almost without noticing. When you're in the worst of it remember it will ease up eventually.
Whenever I feel down I try to redirect those thoughts into some new thing that I can do now. Nothing is ever 100% negative. Find those positives, dig them up and display them.
I get through by getting into every single thing I couldn't do before. Just like when I turned 18, I went to every place I could find to get carded. Even a great relationship is work and compromises are made, and it's hard to find the time to do all the things.
This weekend I dug out my trip collection I wasn't allowed to display. I pulled out old photos and hangers that didn't make sense for our blended family but now it's just what I want. I bought some used golf clubs. I rearranged the whole house to suit me (and to fill in the empty parts).
I'd bet your dog never seen either the snow or the beach, so take a whole trip just to do it. Learn to play drums. Spend hours at a bookstore. During a bad breakup some years ago, I volunteered for a campaign and went knocking on doors. Not only did I not get shot but I made some friends, too.
Revel in this phase. Because this will also pass and you'll find something else eventually (if you want to). I'm trying to be the most single I can be to really appreciate this time and learn from it.
You know, looking back at my life so far I realize.. all of my best stories were from my single days.
Other than that, keep trying to do stuff with your time. Check out your local library for events, go an evening course that's at least mildly interesting or honestly, whatever sparks even the tiniest interest or curiosity. There are also sites like meetup.com
If this is too hard for you right now, or even if it isn't try and find reasons to speak to your neighbors or just strangers.
See someone with cool hair at the store? Tell them! "Excuse me, I just wanted to say I think your hair is really cool", or if you see a neighbor or some random person enjoying the weather, looking at a cool car or whatever, say something about it! "woah, lovely weather", "oh, nice cars here today eh?" or whatever.
It often feels weird and awkward, but sometimes people strike up with a small convo and you'll feel connection for a little bit. I used to hate these interactions but I've learned to like them, they are very low-pressure as there isn't anything to maintain.
Before considering medication for mental health, I have to wheel out the usual old advice: sometimes it can be as simple as diet and exercise. The fundamentals really should not be overlooked when thinking about any medication for long term care.
I found out my anxiety symptoms were actually caused by my A1C being in diabetic territory (8%). High blood glucose has a direct impact on the brain and blood vessels. Random heart palpitations, breathing being off, etc. all lined up. I'm so thankful that my doctor had the experience and courage to tell me like it is and refused to believe it was anything truly serious. I brought it down to 5.5% in a few months and now have new cooking and eating habits for life. Too much alcohol can also lead to vitamin deficiencies (magnesium, potassium, zinc, etc. will need blood tests to confirm).
I kinda let myself go for a few years during the shift to remote work back in 2020. After I got back on track I even gained some muscle without weight loss and no longer have sleep apnea. Sleep quality and hydration are also important things that we forget when we are in a slump.
I concur. I am finally starting to snap out of a multi-year long depression spell myself. Now, I did not alter my diet nor exercise more. I drink the same amount as I did prior.
However, blood work showed I was deficient in Vitamin-D. So, I added some herculean dosage of fish-oil and prescription Vitamin-D to my life. After about 3 months or so, I am really starting to feel much better and I am starting to notice more productivity gains. The weather is warming up in my area too. That always helps.
> Meds can work wonders, AND you can still be depressed. Medicine resolve biological depression. It doesn't resolve situational depression.
It's not quite that simple. You seem to be hinting at the "chemical imbalance" theory of antidepressants, which has been largely debunked. The reality is much more nuanced and complicated.
The chemical imbalance theory is wrong, but that is not a refutation of the idea of biological depression. It just means that one idea about how it works was incorrect.
The "serotonin hypothesis" is largely unfounded. We don't actually know why SSRIs are effective for some people. It's likely more to do with increased neuroplasticity than a shortage of serotonin in the brain.
> The main areas of serotonin research provide no consistent evidence of there being an association between serotonin and depression, and no support for the hypothesis that depression is caused by lowered serotonin activity or concentrations.
Prescribing antidepressants is a shot in the dark. Doctors can't know for sure if you'll respond to them, especially because we don't even really understand how they work.
I’ve been alone since about 20. I am 26 now and have been renting a room from someone who is in a similar state as myself. We mostly do our own thing but it’s nice to have others around. Something I learned was necessary when living alone was to have connections with people. I am religious and belong to a church the social connection there was critical to my survival as an individual. I had friends who were in multiple stages of life. I would try to spend time with others multiple times a week.
On Thursday’s I would spend time with my friend who’s in his 60s. I might help him fix some shelves or his furnace or whatever in exchange for a meal with him and his wife. We would play a few rounds of pickle ball or go for a bike ride in the evening and then we would sit around and talk.
I had a few other friendships like this. One family where I would spend a lot of time. The children where in their teens and I was friends with them and the parents they treated me as a bit of a son. It was good. I have since moved to a different community and have a very social job now so it’s not as crucial that I make such deliberate efforts to spend time with others.
So my advice is this make deliberate effort to spend time with people. Find people to spend time with involve yourself in their lives. Humans are social we all need some interaction and you can be an asset to others while helping yourself.
Too much time alone will absolutely destroy your mental state. Well it did mine. I have my friends to thank for taking care of me.
I should note many people rely on family for this sort of stuff. I don’t have family close geographically.
Having spent several years unexpectedly alone after a big breakup in my mid twenties, I'd also highly recommend getting involved in a church, even if it's just to serve others in some practical way organized by the church. Most churches have plenty of need in "care" ministries like bringing meals (and conversation) to people who are homebound, or in the hospital. One cool thing our church does is organize volunteers to help with teaching English as a second language to refugees living in our community.
Do enough of these kinds of things and not only will you connect with those you serve, but also with those serving others out of love. These are good people to be connected to, especially since you'll become more like them over time.
Absolutely. I have one friend who also goes out and does stuff on his own. Not things organized by the church we attend. He volunteers at a soup kitchen every Sunday. Honestly there are so many things you can do to help others. I find this is the best way to get out of the self pity loneliness loop. Help others and make yourself a benefit to society. It gives us purpose and you gain more than you give typically.
Ask yourself "Would I like to be friend with <me>". Then invest in things you do not like. Smile. Go to gym. Be friendly with people, but not creepy. Help people. Be good family member and friend. Get yourself good clothes. Find interesting hobby. Cook. Pay whole bill when you go outside occasionally. Do it for yourself, not for others. When you become best version of self, people will start notice you more and more.
One can take Be Your Own Friend a lot farther than just this. What would you tell your friend going through what you’re experiencing right now? What would you tell your friend not to beat himself up for? To push himself harder abouT?
I've also seen the reverse. Some people who treat me poorly have a terrible voice in their own head where they trashtalk themselves. It's like they see it as fair to do to others as long as they're not hypocritical about it.
Do you talk to yourself the way you talk to me? If so then you need to stop both.
When I was younger I was partly guilty of this and still occasionally catch it. But we are always more sensitive to vices in others that we police in ourselves.
I don't know if this list motivates anyone, it just makes me feel like I'm not worth being friends with and I will be forever alone, even though I do have friends.
I don't think the point is that you have to be all of those things, or even any of them. Just that imagining what kinds of things people you'd like do is a good way to know what might enrich you also. You shouldn't be discouraged if that seems far off, but all of it can be broken up into as many pieces as you like. If it all feels too much
That implies they think some people (apparently the ones who eat takeout or don't go to gym), are just not "good enough" to have friends. It's an esteem for others issue.
disagree. I've felt the same after reading the same but I believe op tries just to point out that when you're the best version of yourselves, by removing the common denominator of bad versions, you'll be noticed more and that presents an interesting way for people to present a chance themselves to hear/see you. From there you get to go and may be, may be you find yourselves with a good friend. More importantly,Ithe confidence you'll get out of this is immense and you'll feel peace spending time for yourselves instead of feeling bad about having all the time and don't have anyone to spend with.. I cant say this advice helped me 100% but atleast it helped reduce the biased stress you put on yourselves.
I'm all for trying to be the best version of yourself, but I think it's discouraging to tie it with the person's worth as a friend. Replying with "find interesting hobby" to the poster who explicitly wrote he finds it hard to find a hobby in particular reads like condemnation, as if until you don't lock in and check those boxes don't even try to socialize. Imagine you meet an interesting person, learn they don't really have any hobbies, and break off a friendship because of it - I'd find that psychopathic. Why should we foster this attitude towards ourselves?
True. I realise my reply reflected a little of " don't even try to socialize untill you've checked all these boxes and the best version" which is wrong.. I merely pointed out / defended the realism od the comment I replied to.
The definition is not and never should be the "hobbies". It's just something you find interesting which brings the parity to you and the other person. not necessarily a hobby and could be of anything.. Hobby is just a common way suggested to find people and then, only then, you get a change to know whether they are interesting.
It's not that not having hobbies makes you not worth befriending, it's that having hobbies is one thing that makes people more interesting, and makes it easier to make friends.
I have seen this perspective a lot and I don't understand it at all. When I meet a stranger, I don't wonder if they exercise enough for me to befriend them. Same for their clothes-shopping habits, past some very basic threshold. Same for whether they pay for me.
A lot of this advice for how to improve yourself so that other people like you comes off so incredibly vain, neurotic, and juvenile.
I firmly disagree with this advice as well; it strikes me as the sort of advice one comes up with when sitting around one's room wondering why one doesn't have any friends. The worst part about it is that it will get you doing all these activities that take up your time but don't really solve the friend problem.
Making friends isn't trivial, but it isn't a complex thing - just ask people you sort of vaguely know to hang out sometimes. Asking people to spend time together is about 10,000,000% more effective than any other strategy.
Do you firmly disagree with all of it, or just the clothes and gym part?
I don't have any objection to suggestions like "help people" or "be [a] good friend" or even "cook" and I think they're a core part of making friends. Today I cooked dinner for two friends and just got back from driving one of them home. They've been similarly kind to me in the past. Friendships are built on foundations like this.
It's absolutely correct that you need to invite people to do stuff before you worry about whether you're helpful enough, but you also need to go from being two or more people who kinda sorta know each other to actual friends.
They reflect the traits that OP values in others; these criteria wouldn't be universal. I think the thought experiment still holds: If I met myself on the street, would I like that person? If not, why not, and how can I fix that?
I'm going to assume you no longer live near family, or are not close to them. I was severely depressed for over a year where I lived alone (across the country from my parents) without pets after a painful breakup. Getting a remote job and moving back closer to my parents/cousins/grandmother helped the most, but other things that help(ed):
* Going to restaurants with bars (like diners or sushi bars) where I could attempt to make small talk with servers
* Regularly going to the gym. Cliche, I know, but at least 3 times a week at the same times and I started becoming friendly with other regulars who had similar schedules. If you get friendly enough with someone, don't be afraid to ask if they wanna get food or beer after.
* Volunteering (cliche as well, but it helps) at the same place once a week. I volunteered for a high school bringing near-spoiled produce from local supermarkets to their horticulture club. There's loads of ways to get involved, but maybe start with your city/county's website to look for volunteer opportunities, ideally ones where you see the same people every time. This lets you build trust and community with folks who are often from different walks of life.
My situation was nowhere similar to yours or OP’s, but back when I was dealing with depression a church group I was volunteering with was one of the main factors in my recovery. I met people that really helped me change for the better and helped give me at least a temporary purpose in life.
There were some days when I didn’t want to do anything, but due to my obligations as a formal member of the group I had to show up. This really helped me since it really forced me to get out and actually do something and not doomscroll YouTube Shorts.
I don’t want to make this specific to any religion or belief system, but in my experience groups centered around a place of worship and focused on service are some of the best ways to create social bonds as an adult. There are also other men’s groups that aren’t religious that fit this: Lions Club, Rotary Club, Veterans Outposts.
I see a lot of good advice here, and I'm going to be late but approach it from a different angle.
If you've spent so much time with your spouse around, and now you're at home alone, and you're working remote, then you are going to need a lot of socialising outside of work, because remote work does not meet the same needs for seeing people in person (I've been there).
Humans are social animals, we need some interactions with others, and you are just getting way too little.
The issue is not 'how to be alone?', it's how to satisfy your social cravings with in-person interaction, once you have that at least some of the time, being alone for the rest of the time is much easier.
Yes, I very much agree. I think it is irresponsible to take antidepressants for something that is clearly an issue of "normal" life scenarios like hearthbreak and loneliness. It is normal, but also very much fixable by gradually putting yourself out there.
Just because OP takes medication after a break up, doesn't mean it's a "normal" life situation for them. They could have suffered from depression before, it's not even clear if they started only after medication. The break up could also bring up some childhood trauma, like the loss of a loved one.
What seems to be a normal life situation to someone might not be a normal life situation for someone else.
I agree though that if no depression is diagnosed it's a bad idea to take antidepressants.
Yes, that shrink of yours is doing you a disservice giving you meds. Not all negative emotions need to be suppressed with medication. Life has its ups and downs, and drugging yourself out of the bad states will not make the sadness go away, it will only turn you numb to it, making you less empathetic to suffering in general.
Instead, what I would do is try to have as much human contact as you can, talk to anyone, with the lady from the grocery store, with the foreign african guy from the elevator. Carry that extra box for the delivery guy that seems to struggle nad is having a hard day. Just experience Life. You will see how similar we are to each other, how we suffer and smile, how we despair and hope. Try to build a network of support around you and don't forget that what people remember about you is how you make them feel.
Life is not some multidimentional functions with parameters that needs to be optimized. Life just is. So live it.
During 2020 and 2021, I think many of us were bitterly aware that Zoom calls and online stuff was no real substitute for genuine social interaction. Better than nothing, perhaps, but there is something so much better about being around people physically. (That last bit sounds a bit creepy, but hopefully people know what I mean!)
I went through something similar after a long relationship ended. What helped me wasn’t “find a hobby” but a few small, repeatable things:
• Treat being alone as a skill you practice, not a verdict on your life – e.g. 20–30 minutes a day you choose to do something solo (walk, café, book) on purpose. Over time your brain learns “alone” can also be calm, not just panic.
• Give weekends a thin structure: one out‑of‑the‑house thing, one tiny “future me” thing (10 minutes learning/building something), and the rest whatever. It stops the 60 hours from feeling like an empty void.
• Have one low‑effort chat outlet (small group / one friend / Discord) just for “here’s what I cooked / fixed today” so that part of your brain doesn’t feel completely unheard.
You don’t have to learn to love being alone right now. Short‑term goal can just be “make the next few months tolerable while my system adjusts”, and that’s completely reasonable.
First was just “not drowning”. The breakup left this constant panic humming in the background, so my bar was low: I just wanted evenings and weekends that didn’t feel like a black hole.
Concrete stuff I did for the bullets I mentioned:
• “Being alone as a skill”: I picked one small thing per day that I did on purpose alone. For a few months it was mostly walking with a podcast, sitting in a café with a book, or cooking something slightly nicer than usual and actually sitting at the table to eat it. The important part wasn’t what I did, it was telling myself “this 20–30 minutes is chosen, not forced on me”.
• “Thin weekend structure”: I made a tiny checklist for Sat/Sun:
– one out‑of‑the‑house thing (even dumb stuff like going to the supermarket on foot, a movie, or a park)
– one “future me will be glad” thing (30 minutes learning something, fixing a small thing at home, writing, coding)
– the rest could be YouTube/doomscrolling/whatever without guilt.
That alone made the weekend feel like time that moved forward instead of an empty void.
• “Low‑effort chat outlet”: I had one friend I could message stupid little updates to (“made a decent omelette”, “fixed the sink”). We didn’t have deep talks every day, but just having a place to put those small moments kept me from feeling like my life was happening in a vacuum.
At some point — for me it was maybe 6–12 months — my nervous system calmed down enough that being alone stopped feeling like a verdict and started feeling like default background. I wouldn’t say I’m a monk who loves solitude 24/7, but I do genuinely enjoy my own company now. The interesting part is that once I didn’t need other people to make the feelings stop, my relationships got a lot better too.
Everyone’s timeline is different, but if right now it just feels awful, that doesn’t mean you’re doomed. Treat it like rehab for your attention and nervous system, not a life sentence.
>• “Low‑effort chat outlet”: I had one friend I could message stupid little updates to (“made a decent omelette”, “fixed the sink”). We didn’t have deep talks every day, but just having a place to put those small moments kept me from feeling like my life was happening in a vacuum.
I ran a media-centric chatroom at one time filled with folks that would drop in and tell me about their omelettes, and then over the course of some time, wars, struggles, disease, etc they all disappeared.
This is a bit other-sided, but while I was happy to provide the environment they needed to offload silly stuff (and they, too, were struggling) I never anticipated how much I would miss the small daily comments once they were gone.
If you have that kind of connection with folks, regardless of how silly, cherish it. They will probably end up feeling similarly in the long run.
Part of what atas2390 wrote resonated with me: "being alone as a skill you practice, e.g. 20–30 minutes a day you choose ... on purpose. Over time your brain learns “alone” can also be calm, not just panic"
In fact, purposeful practicing aloneness rewires the brain so that is normal (and enjoyable again).
After divorce, I felt lonely a lot, and didn't enjoy my alone time the way I did before. I made myself go to more social events, but that did nothing to help me enjoy my alone time again. It was avoiding the thing that "scared" me.
I tried meditation (alone), guided by books, but though it helped some, it was too easy to skip, and the reward seemed low.
But then ... I found a Zen meditation school and started sitting with them weekly. It felt good to see familiar faces even if I didn't get to "know them" in the typical way. Sitting was hard at first, because I could see just how obsessively busy my mind was. But focusing on the breath, even in the beginning, slowed the mind down enough that I could see that further down, there is a person that can appreciate the goodness in just being alive ... grateful to draw the next breath ... to be in this moment, not regrets about the past or fears of the future.
I slowly started to feel more connected to myself and then, and this was a surprise, to the things around me. And as I relax into what is, instead of my desire to control what happens to me next, I found I could listen to others better and feel more connected to them. I've even started feeling I can listen to my own feelings better and be a better friend to myself.
I'm guessing any regular meditation practice could do this. I've heard friends say they got this experience from going to yoga, so there is more than one path.
There's an extra I did not expect because its a Zen Buddhism group. There are regular, brief (3-5 minute) kong-an (or koan) interviews with the teacher, with puzzles that can't be answered with Western thinking. Seems like the only answers that satisfy me (and the teacher) come from a more spiritual "gut" level. Getting there seems to poke chinks in my old foundation of western, American, achievement, doing-centered thinking.
All the above is leaving me more open to being alone or being with people. Existence can be more satisfying when you don't need to hold a yardstick to it.
Regardless of whether my input is helpful to you, I hope you find a path that works for you. I believe you can.
I found myself in a similar place a couple of years ago. My partner passed away, which is different and the same as your situation.
My advice… Run. Don’t worry about being fast. Get the Jeff Galloway run-walk-run book and just do it. You probably aren’t a running person. Cool, do it anyway.
Couple of reasons. One, it will help you with your emotional state. There’s something liberating about just focusing on your steps and your brain is able to organize and pack stuff away. Two, it will make a real difference in your physical condition, which also helps the mind.
Get established and when you’re ready make a goal to do a 5k or something. If you want to, you can go from watching TV to a 5k in 2-3 months. When you do that, usually those events are organized by a running club. Go to some of their events or practice runs, do an meetup or two. When you’re ready, you’ll find a bunch of people not unlike yourself.
You are 38, getting out of a decades long relationship, and you’re introspective enough to post this post. It doesn’t feel like it now , but when it’s time, you are a hot commodity for future partners.
Getting started is easy. Get two pairs of good socks and good running shoes. Then go.
+1 to running. If you run consistently, you'll learn to believe in your body as something that naturally improves if you train it well, and that belief will cross over to your mind and heart.
I think there are a couple questions you need to ask yourself - the first is why is it hard for you to be alone? You're the one person you're stuck living with for your entire life - it shouldn't be hard to be alone with yourself. That's where it began. That's where it will end.
You mentioned you have a therapist - this is something you might wish to explore with them.
The second question is related - what are you looking for in the "not alone"? What do you want? What would bring you peace? Are you looking for a relationship? A friend? Sex? etc? While you have to be comfortable with yourself, part of that comfort is knowing and being confident in what you're looking for. It may be that the world won't or can't provide it, but that's why I put this question second.
The final point I'll make is that there's nothing stopping you. You're an adult... within the constraints of the laws of your society, you CAN do what you want and there's nothing stopping you. It may not go the way you want, but it might, and wouldn't it be fun to try?
I like being alone. I'm good at being alone. I was an only child, often left alone , and I have lived alone (although dated a lot) for 20 years.
But if you put me in OPs situation, it would easily be tough. Working from home, living alone, totally lost your social circle possibly, AND sad over a recent breakup probably. Thats a prime recipe for problems even for people that do enjoy being alone for the most part.
It's not good for us to be completely alone. We are social beings, and community is part of who we are. We search for truth in relationships, politics, games, drugs, anything. We search to the end of ourselves but end up with the same emptiness and questions. The truth, wholeness, community, and love we need and seek is often in the place we're too afraid to look - the Christian church. Even if you're not religious, the community and familial elements of a good Christian church are empowering. Put any biases you might have aside and take a step in. It might just be the real thing that finally makes us whole.
The Christian church has nothing to do with truth. Sure it might offer community, but it is a community based on dogma, on faith, not truth. Why was humanity banished from the garden? For eating from the tree of knowledge. Join a Promethean cult if you can find it OP.
I am so conflicted with this stuff. You let old men tell you how to live your life, but it makes people so happy. People hate having freedom. Of course they are lying too, but those lies make people happy.
Makes sense. I've found that Christianity, at its core, is the opposite. Freedom isn't forfeited, but actually found in one simple truth. The one truth actually leads to freedom: “I am the way, the truth, and the life,” and also that “the truth will set you free.”
I think when you've realized that you don't particularly enjoy being alone - the best cure is to avoid it; and try to get more friends.
Friends are made by doing something together, regularly, over time.
I wouldn't call this "get a hobby" - I'd call it "find something to do".
My best suggestion is start doing some kind of organized training like martial arts, or some team sport. Find somewhere to volunteer: food bank, volunteer programs teaching kids to code, anything in your area that you can relate to.
I'm not suggesting that it easy or trivial - but I also believe it is the only way.
> I would blame depression, but I have a great psychiatrist who has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers.
Allow me to be blunt: you’re still suffering the symptoms of depression. I’m not a psychiatrist but you likely have what I’d think of as “situational depression” (as opposed to ingrained depression). Once you either fix the cause (loneliness) or adapt to it, the depression will lift.
I think it’s worth saying that you need to learn how to be comfortable in your own company. That’s the easy bit, the hard part is figuring out how. I don’t think there’s a trick you can do, you need to put in some work. Maybe take your dog walking to more remote places than just a dog park? I guess if you’re in America this might be more difficult but are there any green spaces within a few hours drive you can spend the weekend at?
This line stuck out to me as well, but my follow up thought was different.
I’ve had friends who have been on cocktails like these, and one of them once said something like, “I’ve been depressed before, and this is not that. I’m not depressed. I don’t have the emotional capacity to be depressed. This is more like a total emotional blank slate.”
She was basically a robot for a few months. Incapable of really any emotions, including sadness, anxiety, frustration, etc. Suffice to say, she also didn’t have the emotional drive to push her towards positive things like deciding on how to spend her weekend free time.
Thankfully she’s changed her meds and is feeling overall better (if, admittedly, at the price of some emotional stability).
Hey, saw this while looking under new and wanted to try and help. I think the answer is to be places. Life needs randomness and interactions and that doesn't happen at home. Try to be in "3rd places" - the gym / work in a shared working space / pick up a couple of hobbies (I say a couple as just one is risky if say it's sports based an you injure yourself - something you can do outdoors, something you can do indoors). Trust that it will take time, but it will happen.
I've tried a number of things over the years. Sailing, climbing, running, board game meet ups, drinking meetups, golf, crossfit, curling, probably some others I'm not thinking of. Just pick something and see if it sounds interesting to you and give it a go. My big advice is to avoid shelling out on gear. Rent or just get some beginner stuff. Most of these things didn't stick, but I'm a runner and a climber and oddly I've had some great platonic connections through crossfit as well.
Hey, so, I live in a city but visit my parents in the suburbs once or twice a year and at it did take some work, but there are certainly third spaces. After trying a few, I found some very comfy cafes to work out of, I prefer it since my parents can be a bit distracting. Also one cafe I really like is in a 'town center' which does also have a gym. So while you may not be in a city, see if there might be any pockets of walkability you can park at and enjoy the day on your feet.
Try out a lot of different things and see what sticks. You will hate some things and love others. Computer gaming is fun, but is more of what you are already doing, because you are on a computer alone. Meeting in person is very important.
I've surprised myself by finding that I really enjoy knitting for example. I don't fit the usual profile at all. But I tried it and enjoyed it. It may not be for you, but something else might be. Some people love hanging off rocks on ropes, and some love D&D — neither of these are my things but it gives you an idea of the range of things out there.
In my opinion if you're searching for a hobby it's best to be a bit more methodical about it. Usually the way to get into hobbies is that a friend or acquaintance pulls you into it (either by talking about the hobby energetically or directly showcasing it) and going at it from the other end isn't really easy per se in my experience.
But yeah, it's more than doable. First things first take a piece of paper (or do it digitally) and divide it into 2 halves, indoor and outdoor, then further divide those 2 halves into solo and group. At this point it doesn't make sense to take financial constraints into account, that's up to it at the end as a determining factor if you want to start a hobby from your "short list".
So after you've done the above take a week to fill the paper with stuff like "Tabletop RPGs" which goes into indoor/group, or "nature photography" which goes into outdoor/solo and I hope you get the jist. I'm sure you know where to file embroidery for example.
You can continue to add hobbies as a hobby too for a little bit, call it hobby watching and searching, it's still a pastime. Now here's another important part, you have to decide your motivation for start a hobby (not a specific hobby but a new hobby). Some people try and do hobbies because they feel they're forced to if they want to appear interesting to their peers, sometimes you just want to fill a hole or fill time so you can't stop and think about that hole. In emotionally adjusted individuals supposedly you can pick a hobby for the fun of it and that's enough. Basically do a bit of soul searching so that you can decide if you gravitate towards a outdoor hobby with a group of people (because the hobby itself doesn't matter that much but you crave connection which is completely fine and that's why some old people go to church).
I could go on but thanks for reading my TED talk and I really hope you find what you are looking for, either a hobby or something else.
EDIT: I completely forgot! You might also try finding a charity in your area or volunteer organization and volunteer your time. Maybe you need a higher calling or a mission to keep you going instead of a hobby. Food for thought. Though do be careful if you take that route because some NGOs tend to attract people who are energy vampires to say the least. Try your local library too if you have one and see if they run some programs you can participate in or help with.
Can you move to a city? This is what most people I know in this situation do. Though I had a great time getting a car and taking myself out for hikes, sauna / spa days, activities and parties in the east bay near SF. Great place for practicing being alone. I had to think about it like dating myself - where would I have taken a date for fun? Try a bunch of things and see what sticks and remember you can appreciate moments by yourself with this mindset and it's like 80% as good.
Ironically I find cities more isolating than the countryside. At least in the countryside you have the beauty of nature. In many modern cities, there is less and less social connection and community. Sometimes I suppose it is finding the right groups... And sometimes you have to take the initiative and create in person groups.
Depends on the suburb and HOA. Mine has groups for books, card games, mahjongg, cycling, ladies lunch, men's lunch, happy hours, pickle ball, etc... Some are in our community center, some are hosted in people's homes. There are also occasional block parties, although they tend to revolve around kids.
First thing is going outside. Staying inside is only going to compound depression and cause days gone by to become a blur. Just doing that is a step in the right direction, bonus points if it involves moving the body.
Second, start writing. Writing can help prevent circular thoughts and force the brain to plan how to change your lifestyle and get you to a life worth living. If you don’t write, it’s very easy to repeat patterns over and over again.
Third, don’t lose hope. Having a positive outlook and a growth mindset is going to help you navigate setback and push through obstacles. It’s easy to resort to a fixed mindset, but the saints are the sinners who keep on trying as they say.
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone. I read every comment, and your help has been far more than I'd hoped for.
If anyone feels like chatting (about anything, really), I'm "theshawwn" on Snapchat. If you email me (shawnpresser@gmail.com) I'll happily send you my number for texting / Signal. Any other app is fine too if you send me your info. I'll respond to everyone; I like hearing about your life, so feel free to talk about whatever you'd like, or just say hello.
You're all so kind. I grew up on HN (I think I was 19 when it first launched as Startup News) and the community never fails to amaze. Thank you for taking the time to try to help. I owe you all.
Leaning into vs. trying to kill the boredom/loneliness/emptiness is a strategy. Because this is how it is now. You will only ever get so much love from your cat.
I don't know you and all I know is what you've written here, but it seems like this new situation has unmasked your life and aspects of your personality and the truth is uncomfortable. This is who you were before as well, it's just more obvious now that you don't have the relationship you had.
How it is and who you are: these are the premises of the situation. Now given this, where do you go from here? You decide. The premises are just the start, the conclusion is something else and you're driving the car 100% now.
It sounds like you have the right idea, and this worked in my case. Find what sucks and work to make it not suck and don't expect results overnight. Persist, adapt, overcome.
I sincerely hope the best and that things improve for you.
Sorry that you’re going through this. I got divorced after a 10 year marriage last year. Although it was amicable, going from a house (with a dog) to living alone is pretty tough.
Other people have said the same, but strong +1 to staying active and building a routine around that.
All my friends live far away as well, but fortunately I connect with them virtually every weekend for games.
Maybe one more bit of advice.. doing things on your own feels odd at the start. But there are upsides, e.g if you go to a museum you just go at your own place, you take a vacation wherever _you_ want, etc. Initially you will have the impulse of wanting to share that moment with someone, but that also fades with time.
Plus you’ll meet someone new and build new memories together. You’ll be fine OP, but it’ll be shitty for a while.
I was a decent reader as a kid, then for the longest time I couldn’t read. I got psychological help to recover my attention, and gently started reading 10 mins of something easy after waking up. Now I read at a pace of about 1.5 books per week and I can’t get enough of it. There are so my worlds that I want to explore further. Russian literature. The history of ideas. Sci-fi. 19th century France. Computer science. So many books, so little time!
Reading can generate many virtuous cycles. It requires attention, but begets attention. It can calm the mind and feel meditative. It can inspire thought and sometimes useful action. It can help you be more interesting in conversation. It can become addictive, but rarely as much as screens and won’t make you miss social opportunities.
It’s not for everyone but my theory is that if you’ve ever been immersed in two or three books at any point in your life, there’s a good chance that the potential is in you to scale it to a fulfilling habit.
I really hope you sort things out and find meaning one way or another. I’m glad that at you’re in good professional hands - that is a great first step.
I literally couldn't focus for more than five minutes. I would try to start books and leave them unfinished. The help consisted in talking in some depth about why I was consuming more digital media than I really wanted. Then I layered on top some behavioral interventions like using app and website blockers. But the latter would've never worked without the former.
But like many things, you do have to do it for the right reason. If you go into it thinking it's going to "fix" you, then you won't enjoy it, you'll just be wondering how many more pages are required before you're better. I once read Hyperion because a crush has read it. I didn't enjoy a single page because all I was thinking about was her. Almost missed out on one of the greatest pieces of fiction I've ever read, as discovered with a recent re-read.
Whether it's the gym, reading, learning, socialising etc, you've got to make it about you. You need to understand that you are the one and only constant companion you have in life, whether you like it or not. Once you become comfortable with yourself and being happy alone, other companions will join, if you want them to.
If the habit's not there I would always recommend starting with readings that are immediately pleasurable, like you mention on the post. But for me increasingly challenging myself has been an important part of the process, and I never stopped believing in the benefits because I had previously experienced them.
My mom moved to a remote area after she retired, she had a partner who moved there with her, although he was much older. They always lived in a house on a lake. She retired early because she wanted to enjoy the time that he was still active and travel, which they did. 10 years later her partner died and she had health complications that made it difficult for her to travel anymore. Once this happened, she hated the area she lived in. There wasn't even a YMCA nearby that she could exercise and swim at, which she would have enjoyed. She wouldn't go for a walk because her house was on a hill that was too difficult for her to walk. She could have driven to a different area and gone on walks but she didn’t ever want to do that by herself. It took me 45 minutes to drive to where she lived and help her grocery shop and clean house, which I did twice a week. The covid pandemic forced her to move into assisted living and she died three months after moving there due to her chronic illness. I couldn't tell you if the 10 years before things got bad were worth it in comparison to the misery she suffered at the end, but moving to a remote area definitely had its disadvantages that there was no solution for when it hit.
When I was 21, I moved out of my parents house and moved from Orlando to Dallas for a girl I met on the internet. We were together for about six months and then she broke up with me. Additionally, like two weeks later I got fired from my job.
I hold no grudges my ex girlfriend for that, I was far from an amazing partner, but I was now living in a new city where I knew basically no one, with no job to get out of my apartment, with no family nearby, and no money to artificially figure out ways to entertain myself. I had never in my entire life before that felt so alone. Days simultaneously felt ridiculously long and yet time seemed to also lose all meaning and it would feel like a week would go by without me even realizing it. When a job interview would come up, it would be the highlight of my week, primarily because it was an excuse to talk to another human.
I had friends from Orlando, of course, good friends even, and I would chat with them on Skype, and I would call my parents over the weekend, but of course they all had to work during the day and so most of the day I was purely alone.
It was dreadful. It felt like all I could do was apply for jobs, play through games on a SNES emulator, and learn new programming languages to try and make myself competitive in the job market.
I eventually found a job, with coworkers that I actually really liked. There was a married couple that I think liked me but also felt kind of sorry for me, so they would invite me over to their house on weekends to play video games and watch Game of Thrones, and I am eternally grateful for them. They were friends when I really needed friends.
I never really figured out how to be alone; I eventually met my girlfriend (now wife) and I haven't really been "alone" in the same way since then.
Hi,
It sounds that its not only the fact of being alone that is difficult, but that you are going through changes. You were used to a certain way of viewing life and maybe youself as part of that life, and this changed. It usually will take time to figure what do you want now. Long term there probably are no tricks to this, as there are no tricks to building a house. You just put them bricks one after another, see if they fit. But you are in control of this, and in some ways it may be exciting.
In practical terms: (a) Give yourself time to figure what you want to do now. You are in no hurry. (b) Talking to a psychologist may help a lot. If you think talking to a psychologist is wierd, know that at least most psychologists talk to a (another|) psychologist regularly. (c) Exercise is good. If you are not into it, start slow. Walking, situps in the morning, a few pushups. Do it because its something that is generally good for most people, and now you have the opportunity to build that habit. Not because its a trick or distraction. Also, you don't need a gym for this, but if you go to a gym, you'll be around other people. You wouldn't need to interact with them, but you might. (d) There are hobbies that are quite social. Theatre classes, Karate or BJJ, writing workshops or photography classes. Depends on what you're into.
> I have a great psychiatrist who has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers
Disclaimer: this is not medical advice, but have you considered being on less medication? I have seen a close family member become absolutely numbed from being on antidepressants, and although I have personally never been on them, I am highly skeptical that the amount of drugs the average American is being prescribed is healthy. My preferred choice of self-fixing is by quiet introspection, though I've had some useful experiences from therapy sessions as well.
I'll speak from my own experience and not one of study or professional recommendation.
No matter how much I got out and about each day and night, I'd still feel 'alone' when I was home alone. I ended up developing panic attacks out of nowhere that got pretty rough for a while. In short, I felt like I was going crazy.
The only thing that helped was going back out and finding someone else. The process sucks, especially as you get older, but all my anxiety and panic attacks disappeared.
So I guess that's to say, it's possible some people just don't handle being alone well no matter what they try, as I've found with myself. I guess it makes some sense, humans are social creatures.
I'm kind of going through the opposite. I was alone until 38, and then suddenly I wasn't alone anymore. I'm now realising that I did indeed develop an effective strategy to combat loneliness over the years.
What you need is a personal project. A lot of people make the mistake of thinking this needs to be something with significant utility, but that's a lot of pressure to put on yourself. My recommendation is to make your project as specific to your life as you want, and as dumb as you want. It could be a radio station localised only to your house, or a chat app for you and three other people, or a mechanical toy for a friend. Then find some friends or a community you can share that thing with when you're done.
Think about what it would be fun for you, specifically, to do, or to make, or to achieve, go do that thing, and then share it. This technique got me through 38 years of loneliness (mostly) unscathed, so I'm confident it can work for others too.
I've been in your place. I was 36 when I decided to separate, after 7 years of marriage/10 years of relationship with my first serious relationship ever. It was also a few months before the first COVID lockdown, so I could say I was really alone. At least physically, I had my family and some friends, but I had also recently moved to a new city. The circle of colleagues who I'd thought would become my social circle disappeared overnight due to COVID.
In the past 6 years I've made a small circle of friends who live physically close, the kind that you don't need to plan 3 weeks ahead to meet. Just pick up the phone and meet in 15 minutes. I feel that this is a fundamental block for wellbeing. I grew up with the Internet, I love it to bits, but it's no replacement for human contact.
You've also read about hobbies. In my particular case I picked up the ukulele. During lockdown I participated in an online session that happened daily. That formed a community, and although I don't go to those online sessions anymore, I made friends, and I meet them a couple of times a year, when we meet at ukulele festivals to play together. A smaller group we meet every 2 or 3 months at someone's house to play for a couple of hours and have lunch. I myself run a monthly session at a pub, where we gather a small bunch.
To this day I have not gone into dating anyone consistently. I tried a couple of times, but they weren't the right person. Although I'd like it very much to date someone, it's not really a big thing in my life.
I am, of course, living in a city where I can walk to most places. I am not sure I would be able to do this in a suburb. It's a genuine fear I have that moving away from the city, being as single as I've been in the last years, would make me become a monk, and learn the ways of distilling whisky, or transcribe bibles.
I don't have much advise from this, really. Meeting people for the sake of knowing them (rather than trying to get into another relationship), be a little vulnerable, be open to be a little inconvenienced. We really do need each other to survive out there.
I really hope things improve for you, and that you find your community <3
I separated around the same time, and at about the same age, also in a new city. It was rough. A city I never wanted to be in. I'd never find friends there.
A few years later, I have a couple friends that like you, I can just call them up or text and they're available. There are great places to meet, eat, and clubs to join.
Sorry to hear you’re having a hard time — it sounds rough. Hope things get better soon.
Not related, but one thing that’s comforted me in the past is that one’s brain physiologically responds to these changes like an addiction withdrawal — and one has to endure a cocktail of hormones and awful feelings but those will subside, with time, even if you make no changes to your life at all.
It goes without saying that some new groups to socialize with would help, but that’s a lot easier said than done :) It’s also important for you to believe — emotionally, not logically — that things will get better. This is difficult. Depression can lead to black-and-white thinking in areas that it doesn’t belong, so I feel it’s essential to combat this if it’s something you’re seeing. One thing that helps a lot is trying to have your expectations violated in a pleasant way.
Specifically — rather than tunneling on a hobby you’re interested in, I think it’s surprisingly valuable to join a group around something you think you might kinda like, but don’t like too much. (D&D would be an example for me.) Things will rarely turn out the way you expect, and I think if you go in with a lower bar for success, you leave more room for yourself to be pleasantly surprised and feeling hopeful and open.
It's not lonliness, it's solitude. Time to find yourself and your creativity again.
You were codependant and need to learn how to be independant again. Living for you, just for yourself. You've spent most of your life living for others. Now it's time for you.
Try not to drink alcohol. Focus on your physical health. Gym/tennis/saunas/running/golf any physical activities you can.
The hollowness is from not being useful to someone. I went through your EXACT same thing. 17, graduated, moved in with my sweetheart (and her mother…), got a place of our own to rent at 23, married at 26, divorced at 36, alone entirely when my parents died 38, and 41. Now 43, the best advice I can give you is to forgive yourself, go outside, reconnect with the things that bring YOU joy (for me, that was getting back into flying) and volunteer and give back to the community around you.
Forgive me because I'm maybe reading in too much, but it doesn't seem like you're asking how to be alone. It sounds like you might be asking how to deal with your new situation, which must be very difficult. If that's not out of bounds, one suggestion is to try what's called "rejection therapy." That is, make it a daily goal to go out and get rejected at something. It shifts something mentally and I hope it might be helpful for you.
1. To be alone is FAR better than to be in bad company. And the world is full of bad company. Thousands of people are craving to be alone for this reason.
2. You need to be a nice companion to yourself. If you arrive at this level, when you meet other people, you will be eager to share this amazing companion with others, instead of appearing to be begging not to "be alone".
And one piece of advice:
1. If you are a Christian, it is a great time to learn and enjoy God's company through prayer; you will never be alone again.
You need to lift weights seriously, like get your squat at least to bodyweight, ideally 1.5x bodyweight. Of course it's great for the body, but it has profound effects on the mind too, like you might be able to get off those meds. Studies show mental health effects from working out depend on intensity.
Fix your diet and your sleep. Meditate.
The basic concept is invest seriously in yourself and you'll like being by yourself much better.
Agree, and you will meet people at the gym. Learn to lift barbells, not machines. Powerlifters can seem intimidating from a distance but they are the same mix of people as everyone else: nerds, extroverts, introverts, men, women, gay, straight... and in my experience they are very open and friendly to those who are getting started.
If you want a guide to get started, Starting Strength is a good one. It's aimed at novices.
Also if you're in the same apartment/house and city where you were living with your partner, consider moving if you can. Get away from all the reminders of your old life that just amplify the alone feeling. Depression can be related to your situation. At least if you're in a new place, being alone can feel more normal and might act as a reset.
It's a great technical manual. But you have to be careful because a lot of personalities there and around US fitness culture are nazis and deeply unhappy.
I like to mix working out with Buddhism (eg metta meditation). They complement each other quite well.
Having a similar story, I can tell you the the answer is not to try and fill that hole with someone else until you've worked out who you are, and what you really want.
You're not the person that you were when you moved out of your parents, and you need to work out what is "you" vs what was "us".
Don't rush to the next stage of your life. Live in the discomfort you are feeling and find out what quietens it. Easier said than done, I know.
Believe it or not there are those if us in Tech who crave that human connection.
Things that I've tried:
* Salsa was mentioned somewhere else, that's amazing to meet people, laugh at yourself, and learn a skill
* Walk the dog without earphones. It's amazing how dog walkers will give that knowing smile to each other. Lean into that. Say a hi, and ask about their dog. Simple, but if you're walking the same time every day you'll soon be chatting.
* Go and exist somewhere. The coffee house etc (I avoid bars, though I like a drink, as ironically lonely bar people are not the inspirational people I seek), just be there. I get that these are the 3rd places.
* Go to events (plays, theatre, cultural places). Turn up early, smile and say hi to random people. You've got an in there as you're there for a specific reason. Do a bit of research prior.
* Try a few different gyms. The vibe is different in every one. Be there longer than your workout.
* To the above, when you go places, be there early, don't rush off.
* If you can get yourself in to the tech leaders round table style dinners (8-10 people), you'll very quickly find interesting like minded individuals. You may have to commit to travel a bit to do this. Not sure how that works with the dog for you.
Things I've tried and don't work
* The random meetups. Unless they are focused on something you can all relate to (i.e. board games etc).
* Pubs / bars as above
* Professional networking events with over 20 people. That's just hustling.
If you want to just chat shit, or say hi to a human, feel free to reach out. I'm sure it would be good for both of us!
This might sound silly but I'd consider getting my dog a dog. This will not be the absolute solution but your dog will have a companion and your house will have more life.
My dog has been a beacon of hope through these last years of being alone. Highly agree. They can be a ton of work depending on the breed but there are plenty of dogs at the pound who might end up saving you in the end and not the other way around.
Loneliness is a state of mind. And sometimes when I am with people I feel the most alone. So above all else just be kind to yourself. Eat well, watch things you enjoy, do things you always dreamt of doing as a kid. That is how I stay sane at least, haha.
First thing: No it is not normal thing to be alone. We humans are social animals. Once we are isolated we usually die soon, so take that seriously.
Being isolated from your tribe used to be a worse punishment than death. The greeks called that punishment ostracism. El mio Cid was the Spanish representative case.
In the US there is an epidemy of loneliness.
So, what to do? First recognise that this is a problem and do not dig deeper. Do not isolate yourself more. Do not play vdeogames, do not read books until you fix it.
My main advice is to stop thinking too much about yourself, think about others.
I was into religious(Cristian catholic) orgs and I helped old people(something I did not like), I helped poor people on the streets(liked it more) and I helped drug addicts and war refugees.
Helping drug addicts were a pain on the aßß, but once you make someone get out, he or she becomes a friend for life. It is like the friendships that are done in fighters of a war. Once you have put your life on the hands of someone else and trusted someone else so much, nothing can break that friendship.
If you think about that in a meta way, I was helping people that were marginalised, that were alone, and in the process I could not be alone. I did it in a religious group(a tribe in itself)
Thanks to this experience I can make friends very fast in a new place, something few adults know how to do.
If you are going to read, read a book called "How to influence people and make friends", but do not read the new book that is a badly revised book by the incompetent descendants of the writer, read the old original book.
But reading books is not going to help because you need action first, not reflection, and action is going to be painful for a while, and you have to endure the pain until it becomes easy. The best advise is to get out there, try hard, fail spectacularly and only then read the book.
Stop thinking about yourself, me, me and me. We are not wired to work for us alone. We are worked for working for others: Our tribe, our children, our family.
Instead of not trying to be alone, focusing on yourself (me, me and me) start thinking on helping other people that are alone. Start thinking on creating your own tribe or joining a new tribe. It can be a maker space, a group for hiking or helping or teaching kids.
I've seen people mention "How to influence people and make friends" before. I finally decided I'll read it. The PDF is available here for anyone else interested in following along :)
Edit: though this seems like it may not be the edition you meant? The cover says "the original is still the best", but this seems to be a revised edition.
Follow the above advice as its great :) People need each other. Volunteering, apart from being worthwhile for its own sake, is one of the best ways to meet people and put your own life in perspective. There's a ton of stuff in the world that needs doing, that capitalism leaves un-done as there's no money to be made in it. It can either be directly helping people such as providing food, resources, support for homeless, supporting people with disabilities to participate in activities, generally helping others in some sort of need. Or things like tree-planting which helps everyone. Some of, either the people you help, or fellow volunteers, or both, will become great companions. Can also be a great way to find another partner ;) Some of the most happiest most stable couples my wife and I know, met volunteering - its a good foundation for a relationship, that both people sought to go out and help others even before they met each other.
I remember reading once that the biggest predictor of friendship/relationships was physical proximity.
And a book about a spy who built a relationship with and turned a diplomat by appearing at/around the same grocery store repeatedly, gradually building familiarity then trust.
I often think about these examples. And as much as hobbies etc are good ideas, I think one could start even simpler - walk the dog at the same time every day. Or drive to get a coffee, hang out there for 30 mins, etc. I find a change of scenery helps me too, as well as a routine, to lift the spirits, and those chance encounters will repeat.
I can relate to some of what you’re describing, though from a different angle. I’ve always been somewhat of a loner, and as I’ve gotten older I’ve grown increasingly dissatisfied with the shallowness of many modern interactions: the constant glance at the screen, that black brick glued to the hand, the strange absence of attention even when you try to do something kind for someone. It often feels like we’re all performing a kind of theater of socialization.
One thing that helped me over the years was cultivating a richer inner life and maintaining some contact with nature. Long walks, quiet time, reading, building things slowly, the kinds of activities that don’t depend on an audience. At first that kind of solitude can feel oppressive, but with time it can also become a kind of freedom.
As you get older, or at least that has been my experience, you begin to realize how precious each moment is, and how little sense it makes to spend too much of it on interactions that feel hollow. Real presence, even if rare, becomes much more valuable.
Your situation is clearly different, and the transition you’re going through sounds genuinely hard. But sometimes these chapters also open space to rediscover parts of yourself that were quiet for a long time. I wish you strength navigating this change, and I hope you eventually find a rhythm that feels meaningful again.
As someone who lived alone for years, my recommendation is to make friends. Not people on a forum. People you enjoy messaging directly. Or calling. Or texting. Or even seeing face to face.
It's not going to happen immediately. But if you aren't looking for the opportunities, they will pass you by.
I've met them playing games, doing community events, joining clubs, etc. Meetup.com is a great place to find groups you might like.
Other than that, you'll eventually toughen up and get used to it. You'll find the advantages and learn to enjoy them.
My first piece of advice after such a major break up is that you’re probably going to need to move to a different city. Focus on choosing somewhere that excites you, where you think there will be something new for you. And when you get there, advice from others applies. Need to work damn hard at meeting people. Do three big things. Maybe a social group where you just consume something, like film or books. A social group where you make something, like photography etc. And then maybe a course or similar. If you want a good social life, I’d say three different social groups is necessary. Some will shut down or end. Replace them.
First of all, don't give up. What you are going through is not what you deserve, but a transition to the next stage in your life. Just because a relationship with someone didn't work out as you had hoped for does not mean you can't have even better relationships with others in the future. Adjustment takes time, so don't be judgmental about yourself. (Unsolicited advice, I know. I am about to get separated after a 20-year relationship myself, so I may be writing this in part also to myself.)
Now may be the time to learn who you really are! Do you have any interests you never really pursued because of lack of time? Are there any things you once planned to do but never really found them important enough to prioritize against being with your SO? You may need to think back several years to discover those... How about reconnecting with friends you may not have met only infrequently during recent years? While previously your schedule might have been defined by others in your life, now you need to take active control of it.
One thing that works really well for me is social dancing. It feels like a tactile game where the goal is to have fun and express what we hear in the music through connected movements. When I get to dance with a partner who's really good, it feels almost euphoric. It can be very-very rewarding. And there is most likely a community of social dancers who you can connect to. There is a bit of a learning curve, but there are dances like Cuban salsa where it is not so steep.
I feel you. The fear of being alone is natural, it is uneasy because you are forced to confront your true self. It takes a while to get used to the lack of the social cushioning, but you don't have to do it all alone drastically. First thing you need to address is the fear of being lonely - the root cause is lack of self dependence. Or rather, too much social dependence. You need to (slowly) learn to be comfortable with your self. You do that by not looking at it like a punishment. It is just being at peace.
Having said that, I always like to join hobby groups on meetup.com (say cycling or DIY crafts or book clubs) and get to meet new people that way. It helps. The other thing I love to do is attend conferences or tech talks. It really removes that feeling of being lonely and since you do it on your terms, you will come to a point where you realize loneliness is just a choice and you can be around people whenever you like.
Also, look into real passion projects - you can spend time working on stuff you love to do and it will offset any emptiness you feel. I love working on my car and speaker building. Some of the projects can take years and I will spend one weekend or a random weekday working on it. It really turns being alone into an advantage.
When I felt alone early in my career, I used to go to this shared office space near my house or WeWork once or twice a week and surrounded myself with people there. It helped a lot. The day you realize you can live with yourself without needing anyone around is when you will also start feeling less depressed. People come and go, you are the only one for yourself.
Hope this helps and if you ever feel like talking to someone, don't hesitate to shoot an email (in my profile). Always love to meet new people :)
You need to go through a proper grief. Cry, scream - the whole package. When the acceptance kicks in, try to find the root cause of what happen and why.
How was the relationship? Did you feel like the first 6–12 months were perfect, but then you started drifting apart and having arguments every week or two? Have you ever felt like you needed to record a conversation you had with your partner?
> great psychiatrist who has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers
> How was the relationship? Did you feel like the first 6–12 months were perfect, but then you started drifting apart and having arguments every week or two?
Not OP, but in a somewhat similar boat. Please don't assume they broke up. For example, my partner died.
I've done this for much of my life. It has always worked out OK. Perhaps because I've always picked a nice middle class person as my lodger. Even the mentally ill homeless person I rented my spare room to was a nice middle class mentally ill homeless person and a friend of a friend, who recovered from his reactive depression and moved on as anticipated.
If there is a university nearby, there are probably graduate students looking for a cheap place to stay while they finish writing up their PhD thesis. Since graduate students are pretty much guaranteed to be respectable, you may need to ask for less than the market rent to grab one, but you don't mention being short of money. They will have their own concerns about you, but your dog will vouch for you.
You don't mention having a spare bedroom that you could rent out, I'm just guessing that "working remote" implies living somewhere with affordable housing, and that you have extra space. If you live in a one bedroom flat, maybe sell it or rent it out entirely, and take the other side of the deal, becoming a lodger yourself.
That is not an option for me. I'm trapped by my stuff: grand piano, Boxford CUD lathe, too many maths books. I cannot vouch for that option, but it works for my lodger, so it works for some people. (I'm over sixty and he is older than me.)
I fear that my comment is a little "off" and not quite appropriate, but in my defense, it is responsive to "I sometimes panic when it's been too long since I've seen another person."
Try a few different CrossFit gyms near you; at least one is likely to have a strong social element. CrossFit is the closest thing there is to secular church, and most of the reason people go to church is for the social aspect.
CrossFit has its downsides (much ink has been spilled elsewhere), but the social element makes up for a lot.
You can easily end up doing 5-7 sessions a week there, with a consistent cohort of people that you develop relationships with.
Edit to add: CrossFit classes also add an element of structure to a daily routine that is not work related. This is really important. You don't have to plan anything for the class, other than show and and do the workout. But showing up at social event consistently has an impact all through your day.
Find an MMORPG that suits you and start playing. Preferably an older one with a mature community. There you can find real friends whom you can meet without leaving your home.
If you aren't already start working out daily and learn to make healthy meals. Not necessarily to help with loneliness, but to prevent having another problem that will only make the first worst.
If you can work from a coffee shop, if you can afford a coworking space, do it. Plus one if the new office/coffee shop is a bit far from your house.
I was in a similar situation. While I'm very much an introvert, the emptiness you mention became very strong.
I changed a few things to improve. I started riding a bike, and I joined some local casual bike riding meet-ups in the weekends. The meet-ups had a lit of new people each time as well as some frequent members, so I could usually choose between just riding along, talk to someone familiar or talk to someone new. After a bit I got some new friends this way which I met outside of the meet-up.
I picked up a couple of weekday activities. For one I went for something that interested me, but also was fairly casual and had natural dead time which allowed for talk. Bowling, darts, frisbee golf, that sort of thing. For the other I went with something that helped others. In my case they had an after-hours activity at a local school helping kids start programming.
I also played a lot of games before and after, mostly single player or just random multiplayer, but I ended up getting into a MMO and finding a guild. This became the primary place I'd hang out and talk about pork chops and broken blinds.
It wasn't a quick fix, but by working at it the emptiness faded.
A big difference was I had an office to come to with colleagues to talk to. We have a couple remote workers as well, and both of them have gotten an office space in a shared office building. This way they still get to eat lunch with someone or hang out by the coffee machine.
Hiking helped me a bunch, I suspect any combination of sunshine and exercise would have helped, but that helped me. It also helped by allowing me to be a guide of sorts for old friends I had lost touch with, who were looking to step their toes into nature.
Find a hobby, find people that do that hobby, and talk to them in the real world. Maybe don't even try to get anything else from them except conversations about that hobby.
Get used to going out alone, goto the diner, movies, concerts, the beach. Just being out around people is huge. I think the sneakiest downside of remote work is the lost of all the little human interactions you get from being out. Things smiling at someone while holding the door, or getting annoyed at someone for not walking fast enough, is huge.
We are not meant to be alone all the time, even if you hate people, its still good for you to remember why you hate them.
I guess few people get what they want, as I crave for more alone time and hate socialization.
I haven’t gone through the same transformation, but here is my recommendation: find something you truly want to build, or change, or whatever, and go for it. You are now free to do whatever you want. Trace your thoughts to your youth, to your childhood, and find something you were excited about, long before you met your sweetheart, and go for it.
I'd suggest you to work on your general mood - drugs can help, but nature is also wonderful.
I think I have a relatively good life, but I still have hard times. I had circa 6 months long depression streak after my child was born (I'm male).
For me the best mood fixer is a walk still. Super small commitment, great with a dog too. For a weekend the best is a longer hike. I practice yoga and train my body - great mood boosters. I've trained my body to be able to sit comfortably on the ground so I can work from anywhere - sunshine in park hellooo.
I haven't been in your situation, but I'm the same age and if my wife and I separated for whatever reason, I suspect I probably would be. I find being social and trying new things to be incredibly difficult. So it's something I've thought about. Personally I would not try to adapt to being alone, but rather I'd try to find & meet new people.
I would suggest trying to find in-person employment, whether that means changing to a job with a local office, or finding a co-working space to go in to. Then go in to the office every day. You can do less frequently than that, I guess, but it will just increase the time it takes for bonds to form. It turns out if you're a decent person to be around, it's almost impossible to not make social connections if you have lunch with the same people 5 days a week, 50 weeks a year. For both my wife and I, the vast majority of our friends are people we met at work, or through people we know at work. There are other ways to make friends, of course, but work is one of the faster & more reliable sources IME.
My other suggestion would be to get back into the dating pool when you feel more ready for it. It's an environment where everyone is expecting to meet new people and try things out and maybe things don't work and that's OK. I think dating is a lot different in your late 30s than it is in your early 20s, much more casual & experienced and hopefully less stressful. Even if it doesn't work out romantically, it's a way to get some practice meeting people and talking about yourself, and maybe make some new platonic friends and get out of the rut.
People suggest hobby groups and volunteering, but I dunno, I've tried that and it never really works out for me. I'm very shy and have a hard time inserting myself into an existing group. The infrequency of meetups also means it's hard to give the time for bonds to form, especially for someone fairly aloof like myself. That said I have started going to a weekly Fighting Game tournament and that might be working out. We'll see.
Just some ideas from my own ruminating on this issue. Hope you can find something that works for you.
There's already some good advice in this thread, but I want to add more.
This will indeed be very hard, but I'd urge you to take a long-term and positive forward looking approach.
It sounds to me like you don't have the best family/friends social structure to depend on. I'd focus on building that. It will take time ... and it won't happen on your schedule. The cold hard fact is that you have to put yourself out in the world in social spaces and be open and vulnerable. This is often why shared hobbies are recommended. But the hobbies aren't entirely the point. The point is that you're engaging in the real world with real people and learning to be open and vulnerable in that environment. If you embrace that (truly embrace), the friends and relationships will eventually come. But, it may take a long time. It's a long game. But its worth it.
In the short-term, you can find ways to cope. For me, I got REALLY deep into ultra-running after a bad breakup. It helped. But, it was seriously just a cope for not having the foundational social structures that everyone needs.
In summary: find healthy short/medium term coping methods, and invest in building longer-term social connections. And expect it to take some time. Give yourself grace. You're doing a hard thing. It's okay for it to be a struggle. Just keep working on it and you'll get through it. I've been through this. It gets better, I promise!
This post really resonated with me - I've been there, similar age in fact, and found it challenging... however in the time since, I've learned to love and value my time alone. I don't get it too much these days, but when I do, I embrace it.
Find connections. Join a club. Take up a hobby. Make the most of your time alone - deliberate actions on weekends, like going for a swim (you'll meet people if you swim regularly), a hike (same), buy a motorbike and join a casual riding club, take up amateur radio and make nerdy friends, work in a co-working space and get to know people even if you don't work "with" them, you can still work with them.
Then there's the more unusual suggestions which can be just as much fun - and I've done many of these and found value in them! Join a local volunteer fire brigade if you have one. Take a class and learn something new. Never been artistic? Join your local community college and take a class.
Life can be hollow, and as I tell my kids, it's what you fill it with that makes it full. Just as with boredom.. sometimes its good to be bored, and sometimes its good to experience hollowness and down, because then the ups feel so much more real.
I wouldn't jump straight into a new relationship (or even try to). Learn to love yourself and live with yourself, and the right person will come when they do and not a moment before. Lean on friends and family when you need support, and be there for others when they need it too. This is great for the soul.
I would not just rely on situations that are explicitly seen as "dating", such as bars or dating sites.
In my experience joining an IRL group activity is what works best (volunteering, community service, church, local band/orchestra/choir, group lessons, team sports etc) - even if you don't find your future partner there, at least you can make a few IRL friends and you will feel less lonely.
Try to find places you can become a regular, it sounds like you're experiencing true grief and isolation is exacerbating it. I know how hard it can be to pull yourself out. Making myself a regular in places that suited my interests, a local bookstore where I buy all of my books and have a chat with the owner, an arcade where I go, a bar that has a night of music i'm into helped me. Just getting to the point where you can go into a space, and be acknowledged as a human being that another human being has seen and talked to before was really grounding for me. I made no friends from doing this, but it helped me feel a bit less isolated and helped make other positive changes that led to being less alone. What you do is so much less important than forcing yourself to just put yourself into a situation where you are face to face with someone else. I hope this helps
Commit to the service of others. It’s not for their benefit, it’s for yours. Be amazed how much it gets you out of your head and into a place of healing. Get involved with a food bank (be the one who packs bags full of canned goods and rice, or who loads the bags into people’s cars as they drive through). A place where the same people show up each week to do the work. I’m not Catholic but your local Catholic parish will know where this is.
Then go meta: don’t just do the work, and don’t be looking to find people to become friends with. Ask everyone around you how their day is going. How their week is going. Say you’re sorry when they tell you about the hard week they had or their sick kid or their divorce. When those people need a ride somewhere, offer to drive them.
The rest may come if and when it’s supposed to come. Start by connecting with people and connect by trying to be of service, it’s for your benefit not theirs.
Depression will make you want to be antisocial, but positive social situations are good for your mental health so sometimes you have to force yourself into it. Exercise is very good for your mental health, and I think part of your issue is working from home. Take vitamins because many people are deficient in them — B will give you energy, C better immune system and D will help with your mood and sleep. It is good that you have pets, because they are company.
I would say that hobbies are a good shout. Especially those that result in the production of something physical whether it is a knitted item, a wooden thing or whatever. Also very good to take up a musical instrument. I was put off music for decades but am finally playing something.
Online socials are no real substitute for meeting in person. I've learnt that the hard way. If you want socialisation, then consider night classes (especially spoken language since they are interactive), writing groups, and joining societies. If you are religious, consider joining a congregation (mileage may vary so shop around), if not there are atheist groups that do meetups and secular sunday services etc. If you need to, take the initiative and start up your own group. I have done this for nearly four years now and it is still working well.
Get out into nature, not just manicured parks and artificial environments.
I don’t know what caused this, but I’m sure it’s painful. You have my sympathy.
I’ve come to a belief that emotions are a result of evolution. We have evolved drives to avoid death. And since humans get sick and injured, we can avoid death if we have the help of other humans to feed and protect ourselves. Being alone risks death. And our emotions have been evolved a drive that makes loneliness feel like a life-and-death situation.
So, feeling awful when alone is natural. I know that’s little immediate comfort, but it does give direction.
If you fear physical safety, you can get a dog for protection, train in martial arts (I like boxing), and get stronger. Or fortify your house/room.
If you fear being sick or injured, you can stockpile food and medicine.
And make friends.
If you want friends to protect you, find people who do protection everyday. Help a police charity. Go to a gym and meet buff people. Make friends at a group martial arts class. These protectors are usually men. If you’re scared of a particular group of people, go meet and talk to them - you may find they are less scary than you think.
If you want friends to take care of you when you’re sick or injured, find people who do this everyday. Nurses, social workers, etc. Volunteer with churches. Volunteer with food banks or meals on wheels. These helpers are usually women.
Meeting neighbors is good for both of these categories. Have a grill night and invite neighbors. I also like the idea of going to a coworking location, because you might find people similar to yourself and that makes the easiest connections.
That’s too young to get married. You never learned to be alone.
Embrace the fact that this is an opportunity: The wall is now empty, you can draw anything you want!
Focus on yourself : Read books, go to gym, eat healthy/cook
To socialize : meetup or equivalent, sports with people/hike
Do not date. Do not get on apps. Do not hook up.
Minimize drinking.
Read psychology and philosophy. Do not read self improvement books.
Give yourself time, it fixes everything.
Once you are happy with the person you have become (i.e. you look back at this post and realize you are at a higher level of consciousness) you can date.
When we are young we hear versions of this (e.g. "have to love yourself first") and despite the trite or pithy phrasings of it, it contains a truth.
We shouldn't conflate not being partnered with being alone. There is so much else socially we need to cultivate whether it is family, friends, coworkers, community, or just being in the world and talking to a stranger.
If all this feels sad or empty because of the breakup, that's ok. FEEL IT. The only way out is through. Feel it, don't numb it, try to find gratitude for the pain because it will lead you to where you need to be. The darkness and the light, etc.
And when you arrive in a place where you no longer feel you need a partner to complete you or make your day feel meaningful, is the time you are ready to have a partner again.
One shouldn't hate too much on self-improvement books. There are tons of good ones out there. Inversely, there is a lot of garbage psychology and philosophy material out there as well.
The key here should be to do research. Thoughtfully pick out what you should read to expand your mind in a positive direction.
My partner (31yo) died of cancer on Christmas day last year. Since then, it is hard, but also beautiful once you realize life is too short to be upset about things or postpone doing what makes you happy.
I reach out to people more now, and I am more direct with what I want. If someone says no, simply move on, life is too short to chase someone, the interest has to be mutual.
For socializing, going to a sports club is easiest (I go to table tennis), you combine exercising with meeting people .
And when you feel lonely, simply call someone: your parents, siblings, friends, etc... Talking just a few minutes with another human helps a lot.
I live remotely in a very isolated area and work remotely (no slack, just email). I live with my partner but she is in town for work during the day. I go to town a couple of times a month. Before COVID I had an office in town but realized I don't need it. I've lived here for about 15 years.
Initially I was lonely occasionally during the day but it went away. I'm now perfectly comfortable with no human contact except comments (like this) on the internet for very long stretches. My girlfriend went on a 3 week trip to visit family last year and I visited town twice and saw a friend once during that time and had one long phone conversation with a brother. It was a perfectly comfortable 3 weeks. I don't play video games.
I'm not recommending this way of life. It's probably more psychologically healthy to have people around and so I have to recommend trying to rebuild social connections as you can, but the point is for your situation, it gets much more comfortable as time passes. I don't want to say "it's all in your head" but something along the lines of that sentiment is kind of how it works I think. You do need something to do, a reason to get up in the morning. I garden and keep animals.
I believe very strongly in journaling as "twitter to yourself". Things you would say over messages to a partner or something can be notes to yourself instead. Especially short term desires to tell someone something can be lightened by this.
For social generally though, I would suggest very strongly that you pickup something like an MMO or a game with a community that isn't offset. Games like Path of Exile (1) or OldSchool Runescape can eat a lot of time and still give you social connections, which can help get your mind at ease from being alone. I don't suggest exclusively single player games or things like that, though.
As I said below, online gaming/interaction is probably not the best way to go. After all they are already working from home on a computer, so in a way it is more of the same i.e. sedentary without face to face interaction.
Not saying computer gaming is unenjoyable, just that they need some other things in their life.
I was in a similar place a few years ago. I'll just list what worked for me, so it's not assuming you don't do any of this currently.
But firstly, know that things will get better over time. You need time to get through all the emotions, the new environment, the new way of life. I didn't know it at the time, but looking back at it, I wish I had this on my mind each day to just eke out any bit of positivity I could.
But the five main things I changed in my life to get me to feel better:
1. Lift weights. I didn't necessarily go to a gym, so there was no additional social aspect from this, so doing so would probably help. But I bought some gym gear and worked out at home religiously. Had a plan, tracked it on a spreadsheet, and measured and reviewed progress every two weeks. Really helped with the confidence, and there's a lot of research that shows exercise is good for mood and depression.
2. Walk everyday - ideally outside in the sun. I got up early, went for a walk so that I caught the sunrise during it. This was probably one of the biggest changes I made that improved my mood and wellbeing, that I continue to do it religiously today.
3. Learn a new skill. For me that was 3d modelling. Just having something new to do, and tracking progress, really helped with my self confidence. Though if you're not in the habit of lifting, you could combine this and [1] if you're learning to lift.
4. Changed my diet. This was a natural change from lifting. Eating whole foods, and reduced the junk (still enjoyed some pizza/fried chicken on weekends), but otherwise it was healthy foods during the week.
5. Volunteering. Sometimes at a food bank to feed the homeless, and sometimes helping a local group who was in charge of restoration of a creek which required cleaning/tree planting etc. It's amazing what doing something for others does for yourself.
Try Meetup.com. It's unfortunately gone downhill in many ways, but there are still people using it. Search for in-person meetups in your area and if any look interesting, sign up and go to some events.
Seems like your whole social life was dependent on your partner? Which tends to happen with men and is - in my and many others eyes- not healthy for a relationship. Invest in your social life, as you would in other aspects (work/health/fin), and start building.
The start up cost is vulnerability: if you meet someone you like to be friends with you need to essentially tell them 'I like you, I want to have you as my friend, I want to spend time with you, lets' hang'. The vulnerability and awkwardness are the initial price.
This is going to be a bit dry, but I'm going to overshare too much if I won't keep it compact.
Solitude is a grace when you have deep respect / is inspired by the world, life, or something more specific, because you belong to a construct you have a model for, and thus you have an obvious list of actions and values.
It's very intimidating when you don't though, because you feel lost and can't see a clear way to gain momentum - and movement is life, as they say. There are two things that can help with that.
1. Listening the ideas of people that share a language and values with you, but don't necessarily share your vision. These are friends, most of the time. I get that you might've distanced from yours and they might've become entirely different people, but try reconnecting with them, one at a time. What mends you here is paying attention to what these people worry about - it gives you choice of things to be enthusiastic about (which then makes more friends, initiatives, impact, which are all "movement" of sorts). Try not to fall for trap of "spending time to silence the doubts and discomfort" as that's the same as doing "snooze" on an alarm. You can try to find those people on conferences, language clubs, but they're pretty much everywhere, you should just pick the context that feels least awkward to start a conversation in.
2. Change of context. There's a pretty big chance of gaining momentum while traveling, because your attention sharpens while you're in an environment that is hard to predict. You'll notice a lot of things you enjoy or hate, some of them might inspire you to study, try something new or empathize to a different way of living.
There's a bonus one - building something for someone is very fulfilling for the usual auditory of HN. There's a lot of people who'd be glad to use a helping hand, just pick a person / group you'd be ok to help and ask what can you do for them with your talents / skills. You'll be surprised how glad you'll be that you did that.
P.S. There are also thinner rationales behind what I've written, and I explained it rather mechanistically, but basically that's what helped me a lot when I suffered from an abrupt cutoff from the community that was a big part of my life.
P.P.S. I'm young, but it probably doesn't matter as much. Have a virtual hug from me ;). I think it's going to be better for you rather soon!
Hey friend, I am also 38, and I am also recently "aloned". I had a break up in August and lived with my parents until February.
At first it was strange, I was acutely feeling the loneliness. But gradually I started seeing its upsides, and I am beginning to dangerously enjoy it haha.
I am using the time and space to take care of and express myself. Live slowly, cook myself warm dinners, nice coffees; I made a cozy nook for reading, I am planning on adding fragrant flowers to my terrace.
I am planning on a routine, which includes going to the gym and actually trying and enjoy moving my body. Sometimes I have the luxury of just sitting in the park next to the gym and soak up some sun, enjoy the sounds if birds and the water fountain.
I am hybrid so I get to go to the office and see my colleagues. Somehow, luckily, every weekend some social event happened, a dear friend came to visit. It was my aunts birthday. I also have a housewarming planned in two weeks which motivates me to make the place beautiful to show off.
My advice would be, simply, to focus on the current moment. Thoughts take you awry, try not to ruminate. Have a plan, and trust the process. There are five things absolutely needed for health and happiness(not in a particular order):
So while you are alone, I would question the rest too, do you eat well? Do you exercise? Do you go out? Do you sleep well?
The way our mind works is whenever a state comes up, it ups the likelihood of that state to come up again. So try to summon happy states, would be difficult and feel fake at first but it really works. Gratitude is a good one. Writing or expressing it doesn't work well for me, so I like to do it when I clean, I feel grateful as I am gently scrubbing the mirror for instance for helping me fix up my appearance. Find yours.
From what you wrote it sounds like you already know what to do, but you are reluctant. Why is that? One could identify with one's depression by ruminating over it.
In closing I highly recommend the book, the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, it has a free audiobook on YouTube too.
I wish you the best of luck. Life could be whatever you want it to be and there is no true self, all is constructed and you can engineer your psyche anew.
I can second that the Book or even better Audiobook (read by Tolle himself) The Power of Now can have profound impact on ones life. I would recommend to give it a shot.
This comment might get lost in here but in case you get to it: I come from the complete opposite side of the spectrum: I've been living alone for practically the entirety of my adult life and I'm not far off your age either. This may come across a bit like "there, solved it" advice but hear me out: During the first 6 months of COVID, I was the happiest I have ever been. Things weren't perfect but given the circumstances, I doubt it could have been much better. But at a point the complete absence of borders between work and life disappeared and it was the constant zoom meetings happening in my living room that really got to me. One evening I was scrolling around the internet and saw an ad for 3 month old puppies across town. The decision was spontaneous af but I figured that I might as well do it now that I was at home all day. 5 years later, I can say this was among the best decisions I've ever made. But a word of advice - think about it and do your own research. What I got was a dog that is definitely not for everyone. But if you are active and have the time and patience to dedicate to such a breed, trust me, you will never feel alone again.
Not liking an experience is always due to a mix of internal and external factors - the key is to disambiguate these. It's possible you don't like being alone primarily because of the feelings associated with loss. It's also possible you don't like being alone even if there was no loss. But what is the contribution of each of these to your mood? What are other factors?
You might not have this information. Changing environment is a good way to gather information because it triggers new thoughts and insights. That can be a good way to frame trying things - as a way to learn about yourself, rather than some new thing you now have to stick to. It could be useful, it could not - but nothing lost. If you go to the dog park and nothing much happens, no big deal.
In your shoes, I might be tempted to go the nearest big city without any particular plan. Just the energy of the place will have an effect. Go to busy places, quiet places, restaurants, cafes, art galleries, shops. No pressure for anything to be a certain way, or to have some big resolution. Or perhaps go the other way and go into nature.
Start small, with things that don't require any preparation or commitment. Go walk a bit, aimlessly. It's a difficult time for you and you might simply need to back off for a bit. Eat well, sleep, exercise.
Definitely avoid any social media, youtube, etc. I'd suggest to limit your screen usage to just your work-life. You do not want to compare yourself with people who are not in your position. Spending time on the internet is not fulfulling.
Once you have a healthy daily routine down (which you might have already), a lifehack is to challenge yourself to get good at something that you would never have imagined yourself doing. The idea is that you will fill your head with thoughts about how to improve, rather than thinking about other things which might be too much to process right now. This is why the "start lifting" suggestions work. You don't have to lift, but simply set some random goal. Avoid trying to achieve some big ambition that you've always had.
Once you're on this path, with time you will recalibrate. It seems you are a social person and I bet you will find other people to connect with.
From my own experience, switching from a remote job to an in-office job helped when I felt too isolated. The job market is tough (from what I've heard), so you can check if you could join a coworking space or simply go to the local library to work. I've had friends that are happy to just work together in the same space.
The point of my response is not to tell you "how to be alone", but helpful advice if you want to make changes to your life, if you are unsatisfied with it. If you are unhappy, you could fill all your time thinking about how unhappy you are. It's not helpful, though. For now, find ways to fill your time, and while you do that, I truly believe you will find your footing again.
One thing you could look into is body doubling sites like flow club. It doesn't solve the core issue but might help in a small way outside of work hours. Outside of the internet I keep hearing that Pickleball is the most social sport around! Also have you tried hanging out and working at Starbucks (or similar) after some time (weeks) in the same place it's inevitable to start making connections. Also co-working spaces can offer connections, and they usually have various club goings on on notes on the pin boards etc. One thing I do know is that it takes quite a few times / weeks of time turning up to the same place for conversation to start. Hope this is helpful in some way.
Apologies if already mentioned but the three big things I think can help are: 1. Volunteering - the need for volunteers is great but dig deep and find something that works for you. Its hard to feel down when helping others in need; 2. Join a gym and take exercise classes. Not necessarily to meet people but seeing the same folks in class leads to some familiarity but to take care of yourself; 3. Find a site you are comfortable with to improve healthy eating habits (Zoe.com is one of many). Super important to eat healthy, exercise some, and give of yourself to others in need.
Sorry to hear you are having a tough time - you are wise to share what's happening and ask for suggestions. Tells me you are already on the way back. Believe in yourself and avoid those who don't.
[edited to add] I also concur laying off dating apps at least until you have healed.
I struggled with isolation for a long time but I found that there are some hobbies that have helped me.
- join jiu jitsu (people here are so supportive, it such a solid community and it gets you crazy active)
- join a church you like (believe it or not, there are great ones out there where you can find people that care about you the way God wants to have a personal relationship. In those communities people care about whats going on in your life and it gets your caring about other people. And as a bonus, people will put together pot lucks, bbqs, outings. Gets you in planning mode)
- I started reading books again, novels. Evenings without my family being together in a house alone was rough for a long while. I stopped watching shows in the evenings now and have a much more consistent bedtime routine that involves reading an actual fun book. This has gotten me out of my head, out of my laptop, out of the screen and enjoying stories again. Highly recommend!
If you're ever struggling, feel free to reach out. I am starting a discord server for this community because this seems to come up a lot and HN comments doesn't seem to be a great place to have consistent connection.
https://discord.gg/Hzu3UrthHn
The discomfort you feel is real but manageable. It's good news because you just need to be consistent in doing 1 small thing each day or each week. For me it was, I'm going to go to church and find a small group I'm interested in. Then from there I added in - I'm going to learn guitar and see an actual professional teacher to teach me so I have an in person contact with someone who cares about my progress. Then it was, I'm actually going to regularly have real phone calls with my family (my mom, my brother, etc). I have a daughter so it's much easier for me, but I also live remotely so there's that.
There are no tricks but you can manage it to an extent.
- Find activities you can do *outside*, regularly, preferably with a group. Things that worked for me: Learn japanese (group lessons only! Invite everyone for a beer afterwards), find a literature club, go swimming every other day, go cycling when bored.
- Reach out to friends and acquaintances you didn't speak to in a while. Some won't reply, others will be delighted you reached out. Most people meet their s/o through mutual acquaintances.
- Go on websites like Meetup (or whatever event board is most popular on your area) and go to every event you can manage. If you're not the type to strike conversations with random strangers then find events looking for speakers or hosts and people will come up to you themselves.
It's *very normal* to feel empty when a large part of your life is suddenly not there. I couldn't get rid of that feeling at any point when I was alone. Fill in the empty time and space, try finding someone else in a while but don't rush it—otherwise you risk yet another breakup.
I've spent years of my life absolutely alone; gone months without talking to another person. There isn't anything you'll do that will give you the emotional fulfillment of interacting with someone else.
As for living with yourself:
Find some sort of exercise you don't mind doing and make it non-optional. The goal isn't to go all out, just get your heart rate up for half an hour. You won't want to do it sometimes but you still have to go. You can do a crappy job at it and slack off for a day or two but you have to go out. For me this is riding a bike.
Otherwise it's good to be absorbed in something. It's not the same feeling but there is intrinsic satisfaction in learning / building / experiencing things.
Couple of things that helped me in similar situations:
- volunteer: find a place you can help others, go cook for the homeless, work with other volunteers, not only are you doing good and meeting new people, you also appreciate what you have more
- think about what made you happy when you were younger, connect with your younger self, explore the dreams you never had a chance to fulfill
- go to therapy: this will help you better understand your feelings, a professional who is there to listen to you, help you get out of loops you are stuck in, normalize your thinking about life. Hinghly recommended!
- do sports: this will help you stay fit and have little successes, you can feel good about.
The world is wonderful, try to explore it and be patient with yourself. Trust the process, improve yourself, be kind and look at this period as a test that will shape your future self. It’s hard now but better days are coming if you put in the work. Good luck!
One thing I do is make friends with people who have dogs that get along with my dog on walks. We've seen movies, gotten food out together, etc. Or just intentionally walk around the same time to chat.
Also, hobbies. Try to find something you can be interested in that has meetups.
Could be sports, cars, books, quilting, chess. I've heard of photography groups that do photo walks or group editing hangouts at coffee shops.
On the other hand, it's also ok to be on your own sometimes. I love catching a movie at a theater on my own. Sometimes I'll go to the park without my dog just so I can relax at a bench or have a nice walk at my own pace.
For me, my saviour was my 'third place'. I have frequented a spot since I was 18 where I can basically go any evening and there will be friends I know that I can chat with any time I need it. It makes not having a partner so, so much better.
And I also missed talking about the random small things in my day that no one except my partner really cares about. I deal with it by partly suppresing it, but I've also just decided that occasionally whomever comes into my path, be that a coworker or a friend or a family member will have to deal with it :). (Making sure I don't overload specific people to much). But the coworker right next to me at work definitely gets more little details from my private life than he would if I had a partner, and he happily deals with it :).
I'm not the parent comment, but their username suggests they're in The Netherlands or Flemish Belgium.
Small bars and cafes around the corner are _very_ common here. Even the smallest villages have at least one or two local watering holes. It's incredibly easy to sit down at the bar, strike up a small conversation with the bartender, and have a beer or two. You make friends in no time. Most of them shallow, but a few of them turn out to be lifelong "true" friends.
For instance, I just drove a friend of mine and his sister-in-law to Schiphol Airport this morning, because I had a meeting in Amsterdam today so I had to drive out there anyway (we're on the other side of the country). I've known this man for the better part of ten years. Met him at my local bar, or "stamkroeg" as we call it.
Try out something like Timeleft (https://timeleft.com/). It's in most major cities now, and it will set you up with a dinner reservation for you and 5 strangers who are also looking to make friends.
I had a tough breakup a couple years ago and I know it would have been way tougher if I hadn't discovered Timeleft.
Even if you have enough friends already, you're at the age where it's probably difficult to get together regularly.
It's also good if you travel alone and want a night out in a city where you don't know anyone.
As someone who is ok, sometimes even great, with being extended periods of time alone, I would say just look for opportunities to be in places with other people. Just tell yourself, why not go do X and if you don't find a good reason just go. Even if it feels a bit like a burden just go. If then you find its not interesting or not comfortable you can always turn around an go home. Great interactions with other people are not planed. They just happen randomly when you least expect, but you certantly must leave your home. Also consistency is important if you find contexts you're comfortable with start hanging out regularly... Time is a very important ingredient for building any sort or relation with another human.
Where is your time being spent? I.e., when you aren't feeling motivated to do X, you must be doing Y instead, right?
Y might be working more than you are expected. Y could be sleeping more than needed for a healthy night's sleep. Y could be browsing Reddit, Instagram, or other sites. Y could be playing the same maps over and over in a game. It's probably a combination of several things that only you know the answer to.
Are you happy with Y? Answer both questions honestly and thoroughly, and I think you will be on the first step to solving your original question. If, by chance, you aren't happy with Y, then consider reading and adapting a methodology for change like those presented in the books Tiny Habits or Atomic Habits.
Only one passing mention of martial arts so far? Consider Brazilian jiu-jitsu, which is certainly not safe but is very grounding. After spending all your waking hours at a computer, grappling presses your soul back into your body. It's a very different kind of socialising, mutually-exhausted extremely-physical and in my experience very wholesome, even if the injury risk is higher than nearly every other hobby. (And you guarantee getting every airborne infection. I got two serious colds and the bona-fide flu this winter; still worth it.)
> Consider Brazilian jiu-jitsu, which is certainly not safe but is very grounding
What :D? I would say BJJ is an exceptionally safe martial art in that you can spar at 90-95% and not get hurt at all. Muay Thai or boxing sparring gives you regular bruises in comparison. At least that’s my experience.
Sure, for a martial art it's pretty safe - still in a different league from (say) bouldering or lifting, though!
And in solo sports, you can almost completely set your own safety budget, whereas in martial arts there's a large irreducible lump of danger from "the other person lacks the control to do something safely". The only other person I know in person who does BJJ who I didn't meet at BJJ is a brown belt, and just got a four-month leg injury during a routine rolling session; I myself am only just over a five-month chest injury that was probably from someone very heavy simply throwing himself down on top of me when I didn't react in time (obviously he shouldn't have done that, but I can't control what other people do).
Also how on earth are you managing not to get bruises at BJJ?! My legs are covered in them after pretty much every session just from sustained pressure.
Wow okay. Maybe my club is “gentle”, I’ve never had a single injury from BJJ.
I’ve had some from lifting weights.
I see your point about solo sports.
> Also how on earth are you managing not to get bruises at BJJ
Oh I get “finger marks” on the arms for sure, but never got a black eye or a nosebleed from BJJ. I got that quite regularly from boxing and muay thai/MMA training.
Fair enough, I got three black eyes within my first three months! The injury situation definitely gets better as you improve and when you train with more skilled people.
I think rock-climbing fills a similar void for me. It's social, physical, and mental, and has a progression to it where I feel like I've gained something after every session. Plus you can take your skills outside and enjoy nature and travel with friends
There are so many useful snippets of good advice on this thread.
I'd like to mention sport again, but with an addition: find a sports coach you can afford. This changes sport from being a destination to a path, and you'll avoid injuries - which is something you'll need to be careful about as your grow older. Im in my mid 40s, for context.
I would practice allowing yourself to be uncomfortable in places where you are physically with other people.
simple examples are like when you are in line for something and waiting right next to someone in line for the same thing. chat them up, you have a lot in common right then. it's uncomfortable, but you have nothing to lose once you are no longer queued
or on your street, when you see someone else getting in or out of there car for the 20 seconds it takes. say something awkward to them. it's uncomfortable, but the next time won't be as much
start simple! there are opportunities to practice this in little ways every day!
There are a lot of great comments here and I want to echo so many of them and not duplicate them.
There is one thing I'd like to add:
Learning to be happy while alone takes practice - lots of it. It's not easy, but it does get easier.
Learning to enjoy being along was one of the most important moments in my life, and it changed a lot of how I see the world now. I feel like this is up there with learning self-care that works for you - equally important and yet different.
> I work remote, and that's currently my main way to gratify social cravings. But it's not a consistent way, since the time zone difference is quite large (I'm -7 hours vs them).
Go back to working together with people, face to face, if that's something you maybe miss. Everyone works in different ways, some people need to spend their long days while working at least together with other people, and that's ok.
Go to a cooking lesson, a dancing lesson, a climbing lesson, a music lesson or a whateverthefuck lesson. That’s like a dummy’s way to socialize and find some people to hung around.
Lots of (good) practical advises for the day to day in this thread, but no mentions of Katabasis. Here's my take on the emotional side:
Stop the medication. Ride the way down and then back up. Cry your heart out, feel that pain, don't hide from it. It's a process, and has even a greek name:
You are on your journey into the underworld and darkness. Face it and you'll come out stronger on the other side. Humans have endured much harder times. You are more resilient than you think.
Your days will start to improve little by little. Little glimmers of light here and there until you start leaving the bad times behind
I went through a separation 5 years ago after 12y together, no meds, just counseling. Not sure if your case is separation or death, cause I haven't gone through the latter
I personally found my community at church. It is a physical activity/community that meets every week. While i haven't been completely alone I have had feelings of loneliness I think loneliness and meaningless go together. So when you find meaning in certain parts of your life it can help but actual human contact (friends or family, or community) is an aspect that we cant do without. Go to the latin mass :) if you want to experience something new
Was in similar situation. For me, what worked was filling up my time with productive fulfilling hobbies/tasks. This kept my mind off the drastic change. Think of all the things that you wanted to, but didn't get to do because you didn't have time in your previous routine.
What worked for me was going to the gym during the weekday nights, then I picked up volunteering at a museum that I love on the weekends. Also spending a lot more time on a side project that got put on the backburner when my relationship was taking up a large amount of my time. Find what works for you.
While I understand you have a professional helping you.. I really recommend the book 'Feeling Good' by Dr. Burns.
The exercises in it, and the explanation of false labeling we do that causes us problems, are very helpful IMO.
I once ruminated over a 4 year relationship, tons of details about it, probably for a year straight.
I did one of the exercises ('... and if that were true, it would mean that....?' over and over to any response you have) til I got to the bottom of every negative thought I had about her, me, or the relationship.
I am not joking when I say I woke up the next day and couldnt even REMEMBER 75% of the negative emotions I wrote down for the exercises. I was genuinely cured of 1 years worth of rumination in 2 hours of writing things down the way the book tells you to.
The problem is that people think socialisation is some mandatary thing, like food or air, but the truth is - it is not.
We are born alone and we will die alone, there is nothing bad about it, it is just how life is. You can have people around you but in your thoughts in your emotions, in your experiences you are always alone. There been lots and lots of people who would live just fine, very productive and profound lives and were socially alone.
Once you realize it - the problem is gone, or rather you see that there was no problem, just a certain conditioning by society which you grew up in. What can help here are not psychological nonsence, but some meditations definitely push you towards this (and other types of) realisation.
Disagree completely. All the most substantive experiences and memories of ones life happen within groups. Born alone die alone is reductive given each person only has fragments of information and insight individually, so we spend most our time together in some form
You are born out of another human but even they can never understand you fully, they can never experience you fully, they can never know you fully. The problems of parents and kids are all coming from that and are old as time. If even parents can't do that there is no chance with other people.
This is the trick of the universe, or a trade-off if you will: being completely alone also means being completely free in terms of internal experience. If you realise that - that is the greatest gift, if you are unaware it can feel like a curse.
I don't think so. Solipsism is not being sure about what exists outside of mind.
I'm saying that others can't understand you fully, not just the mind but whole combination of memory, emotions, experiences, etc. Therefore being alone is not different from being surrounded by other people, I'm not saying they don't exist or anything like that.
I'm not talking about "liking" it, if you like being around people - there are many ways to do it, unless you live in a mountain cave or something. In any city there are dozens of volunteering groups that would be very happy if you came over and helped them and you will be around people as well.
But in our internal state of being, in our thoughts, in our emotions and the very experience of life we are always alone. Yes we can try to express them to others some extent, but it can never be complete. In that sense we are fundamentally alone, and realising that makes the problem disappear.
Because if I'm always alone internally and nature made it so, why worry about that? The need for desperate attempts to fix it disappears and you are just fine both ways, when there are people around or when there is no one around.
it's not just conditioning, there is likely some biological drive because we evolved as a social species, but he's right, there is also conditioning and it can be dealt with. there is plenty of people that live in solitude and plenitude because they chose or learned to do so.
we're told that we need connection, but what we seek in others is really ourselves: our meaning, our purpose, we need to matter. what we actually find in others is only the illusion of that. it works (usually) and it feels good but not necessarily for everyone and there are ways to do that all by yourself. just be nice to yourself and enjoy existence. some will contemplate you as a weirdo, but that's their conditioning kicking in. it may not be for everyone, but there's really nothing wrong with that.
i was raised in a crowded family. i had dates and got married and got kids. i have a few friends left, some family left, aquaintances, sport comrades, sporadic contact and interaction with all of them ... but i spend most of my time alone and doing my thing, and rarely get bored, days fly. sometimes i might feel empty, lonely, depressed ... well then i reach out, or just soldier on, or distract myself, i know it will pass. and i think everyone has such moments, i had them all my life, being permanently crowded just distracts you from that. all in all, looking back, i'm having the blast of my lifetime and this is how i want to live the rest of it.
Get a bike and ride into a forest. I don't know what it is, but it just makes all the problems go away, make that into a routine and now you have a constant thing which resets your state of mind.
ymmv, especially if you're in urban housing where there's private land as far as the eye can see.
That video did not really include self-medicating (except as screen time can be self-medicating for boredom and tiredness); I tend to self-medicate anxiety by simple logic games (picmi, sudoku, kmines — all but the last also avoid failure) which wastes a lot of time. (Drinking water seems to be a somewhat less harmful form of self-medication; it has similar sensory benefits to eating — not as attractive as sweet, salty, fatty foods but it seems somewhat similar — and distraction but overdrinking water seems more difficult.)
> One is that when I have something to say about my day, there's nowhere to say it; no one on HN cares whether I fixed up the blinds or cooked pork steaks. I hang out in an IRC chatroom for that, but sometimes nobody's around for hours.
I really recommend keeping a journal to help with this.
I've been living alone for the past decade+, and journaling is a great way to express things that matter to you but others might not care about.
Also, learn to be friends with yourself. Don't be afraid to talk to yourself sometimes, it helps :)
The grass is always greener, even if you find a good partner you have to put a lot of effort and attention to the relationship to keep it going well, also doing things you may not want to do but have to as its a two way street.
Then there are bad relationships, kids etc. It's all about tradeoffs. One thing I like about being single now (divorced) is I can do what I want when I want but also have socialisation when I want it. Would never go back to a live in relationship just too stifling. My adult daughter lives with me though so I have daily social time which, along with other family, friends, is enough for me (sometime too much and I have to decline).
One thought that I have from my experience of going through a divorce: think of who else in your life is important to you, and reach out to them more. If you have someone you can talk to about what you're going through, even if they're only available by phone or email or texting or video chat, do it.
I'm 37 and can relate to this. I lived and worked in another country for a pretty long time and was forced to move back home due to layoffs. I dont really know anybody apart from my family members any longer because I was away for so long. I don't feel bad about it all the time but there are days when I too feel hollow and long for some social life. I don't have a lot of answers, traveling has helped me to connect with other travelers a bit, that's one thing.
I'm used to being alone due to difficulties socializing and having moved multiple times. I will turn 31 later this year.
Short term I would suggest you going to cafes or other similar places in the weekends. Even if you end up not interacting with people, having them around already helps in itself. Plus, you might actually end up interacting with someone.
To get out of the bad mood, you can also try to call a relative on the phone, I found this to be helpful many times in the moment, but not always.
Personally, especially now that the weather is getting warm where I am, I often go out for walks or runs while listening to podcasts. But beware that using headphones all the time makes it harder to interact with others.
More long term, I would advice looking for a job where you show up in person, so that you get to interact with your coworkers.
I would also suggest talking about this with your psychiatrist, to get some advice that is more tailored to you. One last thing. While I'm not a doctor and this definitely isn't medical advice, I heard about studies showing that physical exercise is as effective as certain anti-depressants. You could discuss this with your doctor as well, as if it works for you, it has more benefits and less side effects than pills. Additionally, if you join some sport class that could be another way to meet people.
Had the same crisis - I split from my long term partner after 14 years at 33 years old. Was happy to be alone for the first time in my life then within two weeks the dread of loneliness started creeping in.
My advice is find a social outlet - Group exercise like CrossFit and Run Clubs help a lot and cater to all people.
Also - restarting your life alone is expensive, but you will never again have a cheaper cost of living. Take the opportunity to save so you can let the good times roll when you find someone.
Also also - I had zero luck on dating apps, I think their prime days are over, and they’re superficial. Don’t bother with that negative feedback loop.
There is strong research showing that the discomfort of being alone is largely a skill deficit rather than a permanent trait. Wilson et al. (2014) found people would rather self-administer electric shocks than sit quietly with their thoughts for 15 minutes. The intervention that works best is structured solitude: giving yourself a specific internal task (journaling, reflection on a concrete question, even mental rehearsal of a skill) rather than open-ended "just be alone" time. The people who thrive in solitude tend to treat it as a practice they build incrementally, starting with short deliberate sessions, not something they jump into cold.
You need a social hobby. If you like gaming, go find a game night at a game store near you. If you want to feel some purpose, look up some volunteering opportunities at churches and homeless shelters.
It's really important to stay active on things outside yourself and to at least spend some time outside most days.
Because if I had not I would have instead done the hard emotional labor of pursuing love, instead of becoming an isolated old man waiting to die. Being alone all the time is a kind of poverty, don't kid yourself. A lone billionaire is less wealthy than a beggar with a loving family.
Try not to find an answer to this question. When you feel lonely it’s easy to think of it as an existential which is a problem to solve. It feels like things shouldn't be this way. But what you’re feeling is pretty human natural and arguably the only way you can feel.
No amount of advice will get rid of it. But you can learn to be with it. Okay with it coming and going. It helps to keep in mind that you WILL get through this.
One Caveat. Even though its something that one can live with it. Often these feelings are signals to take action. So if you feel like you want company. Try to look for it.
Personally, I've enjoyed classes in yoga and in group fitness.
This has several advantages: exercise is obviously good for you, and you can meet people while you're there. But more subtly, once you show up, someone is constantly telling you what to do. For me, this has meant much less of a drain on my mental energy and discipline than if I tried to work out on my own.
Look around your town and try a few regular local group activities. See "third place" for ideas. Be patient with yourself. This will take time, and that's okay.
Some of my most durable adult friendships started at group ballroom dance classes. The studio was a 15-minute drive from my suburban home, twice per week, and focused on social dancing, not competitive. I don't think dancing was the thing that made it work, but funny teachers and regular faces. That studio closed (pre-pandemic, thank goodness). No studio since has recreated the magic, but other activities have.
I don't have any advice for being alone, but I want to remind you that you can open up your phone right now, start messaging people to say "want to come over for dinner at my place next Sunday?", and keep going until you have no more free seats at the dining table. You don't have to make peace with being alone.
If something gets in the way and stops you from doing this, then that thing - depression, anxiety, not having anyone to message, your friends are all busy, you don't feel ready - might help you understand and fix whatever is going on at a deeper level.
Also, that sucks. I've been in a similar place at various points in my life and it can feel inescapable until, somehow, you escape.
I think there is already great advice in the comments.
This is my two cents.
Iterate and find a way to be comfortable with yourself, perhaps (re)try different things you used to like or try new things you like. If possible in a communal setting (for instance a introduction course in ...). It can be anything from learning a language to a artisan craft.
Mostly look for community you mention you like gaming, there are a lot of gaming related communities out there that are very welcoming!
Also try to go out of your way to leave your comfort zone, this will push you into situations that you are not getting into right now and that may lead to new opportunities.
> I understand that many of you find alone-ness to be natural, and even required.
Anyone who identifies as a 'loner', 'introverted', etc. is method acting. The label only matters if there are people to convey it to. Remember that the only reason you know of people claiming this, is because they said it to an audience, not themselves.
> I'm finding it hard to actually do any of that
Figure out how to. Don't internalize psychological excuses. Use the gun-to-your-head test with extravagance.
I think what you really need might be to make new connections. During difficult times in my personal life, what helped me most was really finding some community. I started online, on Reddit and Discord servers for Make Friends Over 30 and others (https://www.reddit.com/r/MakeFriendsOver30/). I'd highly recommend it. Also, finding things that get you out of the previous patterns you had for awhile. Gaming will be fun again another day. For now, go join a dart league or something (anything) to get around other people.
Sorry you're dealing with this. Hope things brighten up for you a bit.
Making friends as an adult, especially starting from zero, is a universal struggle, so try to avoid any negative self-talk or other things that may compound your loneliness. The usual advice works, but like all advice it only works when we’re ready for it to work. I wish I could offer more than platitudes, but you sound like you have a decent self-support system already, and maybe are just temporarily lacking in confidence.
Gym has made wonders for me. Most of my friends are either on crossfit or running groups. I have joined a kickboxing gym. This helps you on multiple levels:
- It provides you a routine
- It makes you meet other people
- It makes you exercise regularly
All of the above stave off the loneliness.
Also, get a hobby where you mind focus on one thing only. Play a instrument. Draw. Solve puzzles. Jimmy Carr had a similar issue and he started to play with legos.
There's a very good chance that everyone telling you that the meds are not helpful have no experience needing meds. Don't worry about what they have to say
I believe it is good to learn to be on your own for a while, it helps you figure out what you really want for yourself, but most humans are social being so don't try to accept it as the new normal as this is clearly not what you want. But it sounds a bit like you ask for advice for that.
It sounds you likely want a new partner, so .. at some point go out and find one. Not a replacement, your old partner seems gone, you want a different person you want to start a new life with.
And if you don't want a different person .. then you should first get over the divorce with your last partner. Otherwise it likely won't work.
(And aside
"I would blame depression, but I have a great psychiatrist who has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizer" those things can have side effects, meaning you are stable to do your work, but are otherwise stuck emotionally. Therapy is a bit more, then taking meds)
So, I've been through this. I found a couple things really helpful.
1) make plans with people. Do something with a friend or friends and say "want to make this a regular thing?" For me, I went hiking every saturday morning at 9am, and coffee afterwards with a friend. Another friend was regular weekly lunches.
2) write it down. You will have all these thoughts, about the relationship, about yourself, and more. Just write it down. It will show you who you are. You will begin to unpack things.
3) exercise. Wears you out, makes you sleep, makes you smarter, puts your head on straight.
4) give it time. Right now you can do anything. that's a negative, but will become a positive as you rediscover yourself and relax.
Meeting new people and transforming that to having people around is a journey you haven't started.
I would use this time wisely. There are opportunities that weren't available to you before. Those free weekends can be spent doing something productive.
Find your goals and go after them. You are in the best spot don't waste it.
This sounds like grief and depression to me. You're struggling because you're still mentally filtering everything you do through another person who is no longer part of your life. You must learn to do things for you, not for someone else. You may find that some things you thought you enjoyed you actually were only doing for someone else. Likewise, you may discover that what you want do purely for yourself is different from what you might expect or predict.
Time will heal some of this naturally. But the #1 recommendation I would always make to anyone in this situation is to pursue exercise. Weightlifting, hiking, etc., generate rapidly compounding results across multiple dimensions of your life and also often generate some of the most authentic social experiences you can find as a 30+ year old adult.
Start doing daily outdoor walks or runs, whatever you prefer. Spend more time outdoors and away from noise if you can (easy for me to say as I live on the edge of a forest). Join some hiking clubs, you'll meet all kinds of interesting people. Learn to meditate and take some breathing exercise classes (locally or online) and get off the medications as quickly as you can.
I’m 40, and I’ve spent most of my life alone. To be clear, I’m an introvert, so being by myself is something I’m quite used to. Still, I think I have some experience that might be worth sharing:
1. Find something that’s truly yours. Remote work is fine, but having a personal project you genuinely enjoy is a completely different feeling. Try to find something like that.
2. Fill your day with structure. My day starts with reading and studying languages, then I go for a walk, work, read and learn more things, and relax in the evening.
3. Walk more. This habit is hugely underrated. One or two hours of walking a day, especially in the sun, can brighten even the darkest day.
4. Exercise. Almost everyone talks about it — because it works. And it works really well. The key is consistency.
5. Travel if you can. You’ll get a lot of new impressions and meet many interesting people.
6. Don’t just play games — watch them. I’m serious. As silly as it might sound, let’s plays can genuinely help with loneliness. There’s even research suggesting that people in streams can sometimes ease loneliness better than real-life friends. If games aren’t your thing, find streams on topics you enjoy.
7. And finally: as others here have already said — try to find yourself and understand yourself. Often loneliness isn’t about the absence of people, but about not being able to accept who you are.
That's a really tough situation, but with some active work it's manageable.
Most important to remember that the feeling of loss you have for your family connection, is real, is okay. But like all things you will learn to live with it and see benefits in it if you work at it.
Nothing can replace meeting people, new (seeing people and talking to people) and familiar (family & friends).
So how does someone in your situation achieve this?
Well you've mentioned hobbies and this is your best option:
- is there a board game cafe near you? They often run social events especially DnD open nights.
- adult education classes. In person is good but online is fine..why don't you see who runs online courses? Location matters less. French, Spanish, Japanese?
- activities, these are great but need to have a connection to them. Swim clubs are great as are bouldering/climbing clubs.
How long has it been? It can’t not be hard at first. But if you try hard enough you’ll learn to be comfortable with yourself and be alone. Finding hobbies does help for sure, particularly those that involve people.
You could try yoga too, starting from scratch is a great place to begin. It’s a great tool to learn to see yourself objectively and be able to let external things affect you less. (I’ve been practicing for 10ish years and teaching for 5ish) Also yoga communities are usually great because it’s mostly people trying to actively improve themselves. But do go for the dynamic style if you try it, because it builds the mind but also the body. So even if you don’t get into the spiritual stuff, you always get a good workout.
Best of luck. Hope you can find the strength to embrace the pain and not flee or hide from it, because it truly makes us stronger.
Try focusing on doing for other people. Volunteering, joining your local religious group, random acts of kindness. This will give your life meaning and help you find wholesome and healthy relationships.
I lived with my original family the with 8 other guys in the dorm room, then two, the by myself, got married, got divorced, lived alone for few years, got (and remained) married. I went through a good amount of settings. Here is my advice but take it with a grain of salt because it is all very individual.
First of all, however this relationship ended - you cannot sweep it under the rug. You need to process the grief. If you have means at all - seek professional help.
Second, video games, social media, substances - unless you are absolutely sure you can control it - is a way to the abyss. Don’t go there.
Third, learn to appreciate the advantages of being in the state you are. When I lived alone - I traveled to some beautiful but risky places where I would not take my mate. Did some martial arts because nobody would bat an eye if I got bruised.
Fourth - decide what is right for you and think hard about the life you want to live. Any popular non fiction book is necessarily not very deep but you can start with “Designing your life”.
>There are the usual suggestions: go to the dog park more often, pick something and build it, read books, hop on dating sites, find a hobby, and so on. But I'm finding it hard to actually do any of that. I would blame depression, but I have a great psychiatrist who has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers.
At any rate, spending most of your time alone when you're the kind of person who needs to be around people to remain sane is going to give you depression, regardless of what substances you're taking.
Also -- it's cliched but that's because it works -- are any of your hobbies physical? Exercise works better than antidepressants, and depression can be reliably predicted by tracking the user's GPS coordinates (and detecting a reduction in physical movement).
>I have a great psychiatrist who has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers
>Everything feels hollow ... feels like being imprisoned
Just a humble observation: you may not have a psychiatrist that great.
You take three different medications just for everything to feel hollow? And that is life?
That sounds quite depressing to my ear.
My advice: find a community IRL, and hear from them IRL. Solitary confinement with internet is definitely not healthy. Go outside, learn something new, meet people and interact with them in real life, "remote" won't cut it. Meds will not make you feel, people will.
Might be worth putting some focus on your physical health. That always pays dividends in every other aspect of your life.
Off the top of my head. Join a gym and just do a few machines or the treadmill. Gradually branch out into more.
Get a few minutes of noon time sun on your skin.
Prioritize good sleep.
Walk thirty minutes a day.
Start paying attention to what you eat.
Definitely! I was in a slump last year and once I've started doing stuff like this I felt better every week since the start of this year. Yeah, it doesn't sound like much if you take a peek at the YouTube fitness influencer sphere but it's what most people need in actuality. I also recommend pairing this with a habit tracker so it's easier to keep at it.
I experienced living with a host family to transitioning to living alone in that same foreign country where I even had language barriers. I would advise you to get into cycling, it's a very social sport that you can do alone too. Otherwise something like pickleball would be good too. Sorry for keeping this comment short, I have a deadline.
My friend was in a similar situation, and what he did was just went on Meetup and Facebook and searched for groups for things that he was into. Two of those groups were white collar boxing and open mic nights. I had no idea he was lonely before. He was my friend. If you filled one day of your week with a social group in the evening and then another day of the week with another social group. And eventually you feel like you're doing enough things. And you'll end up being your friend. I only meet mine once a month outside of those, but it's still really nice. Also, if you do join any social groups, you'll find yourself going to the pub afterwards.
> when I have something to say about my day, there's nowhere to say it; no one on HN cares whether I fixed up the blinds or cooked pork steaks.
As someone who lives alone, two ways I address this aspect: talk to yourself out loud and to your pets like they're people, and also write these things down in a journal. Every night after I get into bed but before I turn out the light and fall asleep, I write a journal entry. Sometimes they're quite mundane, exactly like your examples. "I cooked a steak for dinner that turned out better than I expected" or "Tomorrow I'm thinking about making some bread." There's no pressure on length of entry, I fill anywhere from three sentences to a full page each night, but it helps fill the 'how do I communicate this minor accomplishment or discomfort that nobody else cares about' need for me.
My added 2 cents is to write in a journal and also to read it.
If it helps, be meta and write about what you would want to look forward to read in your own journal, what kind of writing makes you keep going back reading it.
Certainly, an awesome evergreen entry is your reflection on a previous entry.
Just like material on how to blog, there are self-help books on how to journal well.
Solitude doesn't have to be a curse if we learn how to treat it as a blessing.
I enjoy being alone (emphasis: alone, not lonely), but I don't think it's good to try to force yourself to just cope with it somehow if it isn't your thing. But then, you seem to not want to do anything that would help you not be alone? It sounds like you're trying to turn yourself into a different person, which seems even harder than things like finding a hobby or joining a Meetup group.
“You merely adopted the loneliness. I was born in it, molded by it. I didn't know love until I was already a man, by then it was nothing to me but blinding!”
More seriously, ride the loneliness with manly grace: lose the shrink drugs, grind your teeth, clench your butt and lose yourself in body sculpting, disturbing art, brain exercises, etc... and if you want a bit of balm, remember that you're no wizard.
Many people have mentioned gym. I second that wholeheartedly. Running, especially has improved my mental health considerably. Also, writing. Maybe start by writing about all the times you wished you were alone and how that will now be possible :)
Damn this thread is a gold mine. Wishing you the best. My advice is to prioritize health and exercise and spend time outside somewhere you can run into new interesting people. build a circle
Spirituality helps. Listen to Ram Dass, Alan Watts, Adyashanti, etc. They help make sense of the macro and micro picture of life. Think of it as narrative oinment for your thinking mind and narrative center of gravity. Check your vitamin D levels, get tests done. My vitamin D levels were so low that I considered it as an effort to even fart. I am not joking.
Is this really new or you were already alone but distracted with others?
It is ok to feel alone. It is natural, and as long as you take the time to learn about yourself and what you really want and need, you'll learn and grow (even enjoy).
It won't be your last time, but it gets easier as you get older.
Cherish that your only priority is yourself (and your dog. f*k the cat :-p). It won't last.
A religion you vibe with is probably the one shot for this. In my case that's a flavor of Buddhism with strong deity practices. Atheists home about imaginary friends, but...
* work from the gym, if there is a lounge area
* work from the library
* join social clubs pertaining to your interest
* change your job to be in-office, the commute and errands that occur incidentally result in more interactions
Understand that even though you are on medication you can still be depressed.
You just lost someone you loved. Someone who by the sounds of things was a joy to be around and share experiences with. Someone who helped give your life purpose and regulate your emotions.
A cynical way to look at it is that socialisation draws us out of our own minds and shifts our focus outwardly so we use it as an escape from our current mental state. So learn to be comfortable in your own mind.
A few things that have helped me in the past are:
- Find small wins. Don't expect big changes immediately. Small wins accumulate over time. Examples: say hi to neighbors, go to a gym, work from a coffee shop etc.
- Join a coworking space. This was a huge help personally. It still took more than a few months but this changed my life.
Volunteer your time .. animal shelters, food kitchens, trash cleanups, habitat for humanity, or even just drop in to a nursing home .. there are tons of people that would also love to talk and share.
Maybe not specific advice for your situation but I've always found this poem moving and valuable when it comes to building comfort in being alone. I hope it helps you too https://youtu.be/k7X7sZzSXYs?si=LwCMyP0L2vsllHJl
The cheapest way is to get out of the house and take a walk and visit shops or crowded places and just hang out. Don't think too much since most of them turns out to be wrong.
Practice drawing / gardening.
Read books. Go to local meetings and enjoy.
Music helps.
Keep doing some simple physical activities like cleaning house or anything that keeps you occupied.
Give priority to mental health.
Everyone of us deserves to live peacefully.
You need to figure that one out if you want to truly get out of this funk. The rest is secondary.
If you feel like you have "too much free time" and you need to occupy it to keep bad thoughts away, volunteer. Also hit the gym/a sport (padel seems to have taken off !)
genuinely would suggest you start meditating. stepping outside yourself can be profoundly impactful. seeing the feelings you are having, and just acknowledging that those feelings exist and giving them a name minimizes their importance. "that was fear, that was emptiness, that was resentment, that was joy." it can be grounding to realize that your emotions and thoughts are technically just suggestions dropping out of a stochastic pattern matcher.
im not going to explain the entirety of meditatiob, but i would suggest you go to a local buddhist temple and ask for suggested reading material on how to get started.
I can sense that your heart is searching for guidance, a deeper connection and clarity in life. That yearning itself is a sign—one that points to God. The Qur’an offers a roadmap for this journey: reciting it with attention brings light to the heart, dhikr keeps your mind and soul anchored in remembrance, and meditation helps you witness your own thoughts and intentions with clarity.
It’s also important to pause regularly to account for yourself—to reflect on your actions, intentions, and how they align with your higher purpose. And finally, service to others transforms this inner seeking into outward compassion, making your spiritual path alive and practical.
When these practices—recitation, remembrance, mindful reflection, and service—flow together, they help turn yearning into guidance, and seeking into a lived experience of God’s presence.
It might be that you crave people in order to prove to yourself that you have people on your side. Might help to be alone for an extended period, then get together with someone afterwards to kind-of prove to your subconscious that relationships don't dissolve just because you're not constantly in contact.
It's not just a hobby you need, it's purpose. For some that is a hobby. If you go the hobby route, try to look for one that has in person meetups. Others going through this use self-improvement as their purpose (gym, suit up, etc). Church works for some. Consider some continuing education courses. Would charity work suit you? There are places like habitat for humanity that you can volunteer at. Maker spaces can be fun. You might also want to try out working from a co-working space.
Get a pet and narrate everything you do, you can even talk to the pet, they love that. I do this whenever my husband is away and I find it pretty calming/enjoyable
Are you in an area where not working remote is an option? The banter and camaraderie of an office and common timezone might give the social fill you need, and make the time alone at home that's left a pleasant change.
I would recommend trying out an active activity in your community that seems to be pretty popular. Not only will the physical activity be beneficial in physical and mental ways, but the communities are usually pretty welcoming to newcomers. I've met some great people via pickle ball, tennis, table tennis, jiu jitsu, and rock climbing gyms.
100% group fitness classes. Orange Theory. I joined boxing, and lost 50+ pounds. Plus I met super nice people, and might have learned a little technique too. If you're single, I've been to two gyms (first one close) and both had majority 20-35 year old women (who could knock me out in seconds).
If you live in a coastal place, and if you don't hate water, I recommend joining a sailing club and start sailing. It is a great social catalyst and it is relatively easy to get started.
"has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers"
Have you considered getting a second opinion on your meds? That sounds like a lot if that's 3 separate medications, and not without side effects which may be contributing to a lack of interest in interests.
So I am mostly a lurker here on HN for the past 15 years but I love the community and positivity and general helpfulnesses on this thread. You all are awesome and OP thanks for being vulnerable and I hope the community keeps loving on you!
I'm a little baffled. Do you live in a wilderness? In the list of potential things you gave, there are few social activities. Find a club for one of your hobbies. Find a group exercise program. Volunteer for an organization you are passionate about.
Also, being alone out in nature can be very beneficial for you.
Maybe find a therapist to help you decouple yourself from your prior relationship.
Join Discord servers of your favorite games and join social servers, build/play with the same folks. It can be like playing in a local band (also a great way to socialize and find purpose).
Most responses are about how not to be alone. Your question reminded me of an old YouTube video I found helpful called how to be alone: https://youtu.be/k7X7sZzSXYs
I'm truly sorry to hear about your suffering. Have you considered giving your life to Jesus? It can be a great source of healing and comfort in your time of need. I'd be happy to talk to you about (even privately) if it would be helpful.
I've had several instances in my life where I've been alone for extended periods of time, almost at the same age you are now. I've generally enjoyed it, but not sure what the "How To" is for being alone. For me I've used my alone time to do new/learn things. I taught myself parkour, went and did Brazilian jiujitsu for years, did painting/art classes, went indoor rock climbing, read a lot more on philosophy, went to philosophy groups, joined my local humanist/secular society, worked out a lot more and went running, worked on my own programming projects, geocached, went to local lectures/presentations, all kinds of things. Basically I just followed any random thing my brain thought was interesting. As a side effect I ended up meeting a lot more people than I would have otherwise. I remember feeling anxious when I first became alone but I focused on the fact that I had a lot of freedom. Once you start experiencing your own freedom it feels good! It took a bit, I remember I felt mentally shackled about what I could do, but as I did things I just found there was more that I wanted to do.
OPTION 1: What ever you are into, see if there is a club in your town for that.
e.g. the suburban town I live in has a:
- rock climbing club
- board game club
- maker lab at the library
- Italian speaker's club
- and more
OPTION 2: Start a club
If you don't find a club you like: start one!
I did this with the town rock climbing club. I went on the town dad's Facebook and asked "anyone want to go rock climbing?", multiple people responded and now we have a club.
Fun fact: me starting the climbing club directly inspired the founder of the board game club to start that club too
OPTION 3: Host a cocktail party
If that sounds daunting, I can assure you it's not that hard and there is even a n EXCELLENT book by Nick Gray called The Two Hour Cocktail Part [0]
It lays out, step by step, all of the steps from invite to scheduling to name tags etc etc. It's like cookbook for how to have a great party.
And the idea is to make it less than 2 hours on a Mon/Tue/Fri so setup is easy and pressure to impress etc is low.
OPTION 4: Invite other people you know out for a drink/plate of wings etc
Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, is starving for time out away from their life. Whether it be single people, married people, old people, young people etc, everyone wants something to do outside the house.
Don't believe me? Search "dad loneliness" on Reddit. It's post after post of dad's, probably about your age, saying "Man, I wish someone would just call me and say 'hey, what's a good time to grab a beer next week?' "
> I would blame depression, but I have a great psychiatrist who has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers.
You can have a great psychiatrist and be on a cocktail of mood-altering drugs and still be depressed. I know because I lived that way for many years. The sooner you admit to yourself that you're depressed, the sooner you can start trying to work through it. Cause that's the only solution to depression: working through it.
I mean, it's not really fair for me to armchair diagnose you and I'm certainly without qualification to do so. I'm just telling you what I recognize in your words. I refused to admit that I was depressed in 2020 (who wasn't that year) because that would "make it real." Once I finally stopped trying to trick myself out of it, I was able to accept my situation and even that was a slight relief (though certainly not a cure).
I wish you all the best. I really do. It's gonna be really difficult if I'm right, but me pretending that it won't be isn't gonna help you. All I can say is that I'm confident that you'll get to the other side eventually if you don't give up. I believe that to be true for most people and you haven't said anything that makes it seem untrue for you. I wish for you courage.
Living alone sucks. The transition period after a long relationship ends also sucks. No amount of advice from anyone can fill that void for you. Having said that, you have to at least give yourself a chance to go out there and stay in the real-world as much as possible. Some ways to do that would be to just walk around your city/locality/town aimlessly every day before or after your remote work time since there is no reason for you to stay at home beyond that time - have a step count goal - don't go back home until you hit that goal, treat yourselves to local food, make small talk with random strangers, get back on dating apps - meet people for fun. Staying outdoors, moving at all times or as much as possible can do wonders. Also, since you work remote, consider moving to a different place to work. Good luck.
Looking back from the vantage point of 70+ years of life, and having seen many people experience this very thing, I think the key is to get to know yourself. That sounds cliche, I know. Up until now, you have defined yourself in terms of your relationships with other people: your family, your partner, your spouse, your work group, etc. Many of the folks I've known had never been on their own, never done their own laundry, cooked their own meals, and so on. When divorce hit, they were devastated. And socially set adrift. In a few cases, they responded by hooking up with the first person that gave them the time of day, which proved to be less than optimal. The more successful of those transitioning to being alone worked on learning who they were, what interested them, how to do the routine things that perhaps someone else did for them in the past, and so forth. One person I knew experienced this in their 40s. He prepared his first meal for himself at 46. After stumbling around a bit, he decided to throw himself into cooking, discovered that he loved it, and went to school to become a professional chef, giving up software development for cooking, less money but far happier. When we search for hobbies and connections, far too often we look where we've always been. For those of us in some computer related field, it may be programming, video games, and other tangential "hobbies". When we branch out, e.g., learn a musical instrument, take dancing or singing classes (great way to meet people), take up public speaking (Toastmasters), find a good gym, or any other pursuits, we discover things we never knew we loved and people from outside our usual social circles which up until then had been dominated by work relationships. Suddenly, one is no longer alone and forms friendships based on shared interests and mutual connection. Those friendships are more durable than most of the relationships one forms at work. And in the process, one may find a new romantic interest, or several. Bottom line, break out of your comfort zone, and try something new. And if you find that exceedingly difficult or even debilitating, perhaps seeking the help of a professional would be beneficial. No, none of this is easy, but it is a great opportunity to discover yourself, other people, and to enrich your life experience dramatically. Good luck.
The gym is a great way to be around other people without any expectation or commitment. Malls are good too. Grocery shopping. Working at a coffee shop here and there.
So many takes and advices that could be taken on this topic, I'll keep my $0.02 short: Get a pet.
Perhaps this can also save you a little bit on psychotherapist costs: Learn to like yourself, and your own company.
Humans are social animals though, but don't try to be social for the sake of it, do things you like that involve people, and be nice to them. OTOH, I've met a couple of Uber drivers that are in it just for the social interaction of it (like retirees mostly). Others here will probably have better tips on this topic though, hope that helps.
Warm up for every workout. Allow 72 hours recovery between lifts. I.e. if you bench press on Monday, don't do it again until Thursday. Do legs instead. I do squats on Monday, bench on Wednesday, deadlift on Friday.
Progressive overload is important but don't add more than 5lbs when you're moving up. Don't ego lift, there's always someone who can lift more than you; you should only be competing with yourself.
Always have a spotter or at least safety pins if you're anywhere close to your max weight or reps.
This is a very lame excuse. You can do 100 different things without compromising your shoulder. Try cardio. Or just wight lifting with very light weights. Or group classes.
Lame? I see what you did there. Either way, I have had a problem for two decades thanks to bad weight lifting. It's still bugging me right now as a matter of fact. Moral is that I should have worked with a decent trainer.
Drop medication and go out. By which I mean meetup/join a club/choir/whatever you can tolerate or maybe even enjoy the activity on its own (to get company and not feel forced).
Games, hobbies, meds are not good. Those are like candy, you need real food.
There are 3 aspects to the issue you need to tackle:
# existential, deep
What you need to do is to get a glorious vision of 1- who you are and 2- what you are doing, aka. the plan.
Examples:
1- I am a scientist, 2- I'm getting a phd to then change the world with my research.
1- I am a father/husband, 2- I am raising a happy family.
1- I am a skinny/fat guy who will have an impressive transformation to bodybuilder, 2- I am targeting to raise my lean body mass by 2kg/year.
1- I am a guy with troubled emotions that feel like hell, who will overcome his suffering and find happiness, 2- I am becoming a buddist monk.
# physiological, shallow
Your negative emotions will be a burden in your journey to glory.
You need to feel comfortable being alone. You need to be able to be alone without intense negative emotions about it. It is like getting used to feeling cold/hot, hunger. Like adapting very hot sauna or marathons. You need to physiologically adapt to solitude.
The root solution will be what I explained before. Short-term, it would be good to have a break and to restart fresh (next time recognizing you didn't do it well the 1st time with your games, and that you need to work on a glorious plan). Options to get a break:
- move back with your parents for 1-2 years
- go to some cheap and nice destination and live in hostels, shared room. Change hostels every few weeks. Chat with guests. Just having a 'good morning' goes a long way.
# practical solution
While you have to adapt to solitude, you can also work on getting relationships.
In order to do this:
- go out and talk to people physically (Internet doesn't count). You can actually go to a stranger on a park/mall and talk. Try it. Also explore bars, courses, events. When you go to those, you have to talk to people, you get 1 point for each person you talk to, otherwise 0 points.
- make a list of people you have known and see if you can get back in touch and deepen the relationship. Include in the list people you currently have some relationship with. Yes, even the cashier that always gives you a good smile when he says: 'debit or credit?'. You can deepen the relationship over several days in this sequence: polite smiles -> trivial chit-chat -> personal talk -> invitation to hang out.
Society seems to disapprove of liking to be alone. What else can we expect, it's a society, so of course it does. But if you really want me to teach you how to do this terrible thing:
View it as an opportunity. You don't have to fix the blinds or cook, and you don't have tell anybody about it. There is nobody to maintain an image for. You can be really gross, or incredibly lazy, nobody will notice. (This is perhaps the real meaning of Sartre's phrase "hell is other people".)
Drop the pitiful attitude. Instead of whining "Who will comfort me?" you must experiment with saying "Yes! Everybody has finally fucked off!".
For a while it will seem as if you need other people to give life depth and meaning, but this is an illusion. You are habituated to leaching meaning off them, is all. Now you have to find your own sources. "Solitary confinement with internet" sound like the most ideal prison to me: would you really want to be surrounded by other prisoners, with their noise and drama?
This is adaptation, and thus will take time, because of ingrained habits, expectations, and habits not yet arrived at. The process unfortunately is slow and stupid and you'll have to sit it out, perhaps in front of a games console.
Get better games, until you find one you can immerse yourself in for a month, with enthusiasm. Don't skimp in hunting for games.
Listen to the silence. That is, listen to the distant ambient sounds. This should be soothing meditation, and if you do it long enough you'll get the peculiarly naughty and sensual feeling of sitting quietly. Think of it as a free John Cage concert. Silence is golden, right? It's something rare. Social people are continually destroying it for one another, so they miss out.
I spent many years without friends or close contacts during childhood.
Later I had one relationship, then another.
Since 2019 and until now I have again had no social contacts - zero significant others or people I could write / reach out to.
Apparently, because of the lack of social experience in childhood, I did not develop some important social skills, and I am very bad at forming connections and generally navigating social situations. I may also have avoidant personality disorder, and I am afraid of or avoid close relationships, sharing personal things, and so on. The need for such connections may exist, but it is literally impossible for me to realize it. In any case, I have spent years without any close relationships with people - no partner, no friends / significant others, and no contact with relatives.
However, over time I have developed certain strategies and an understanding of how to live alone (which is what this post is about). Whether they will work for others I don't know. I will simply describe what helps me.
1. I start to feel psychologically unwell if I stay at home without leaving it continuously for too long - more than two or three days.
2. I feel unwell if I work remotely from home. Each time this has led me into very unpleasant psychological states. When I paid for a coworking space and went there to work every day, I felt much better.
3. I also felt much better when the work was done within a team or a collective. Not the type of work where you perform tasks entirely independently and interact with people at work only occasionally. My current job is like that, even though it is in an office, and for that reason I am considering changing it. I really need regular social interactions on job, and not these endless meaningless meetings but working together.
4. I feel better when I have a public place I can go to regularly besides work. At one time it was a cafe where I went to read. Now it is an educational institution where I go to work on study projects after work and on weekends. At some point it was a community center where I moderated a group.
5. Filling time with activities. If I suddenly have a lot of free time with nothing to fill it - for example during Christmas holidays or vacations - it is important to find something to occupy that time. I can travel somewhere, start a project, or simply fill the time with reading and watching things. I read quite a lot of books and watch a fair number of series during holidays and long weekends. So, escapism like this is not so healthy if done without measure for too long, but for limited time it also works.
6. It helps when there is a long-term project to which you dedicate your free time. Even better if you do it with someone. In this way I wrote a hobby operating system in my spare time over roughly a year as a learning project.
7. Language speaking groups or discussion groups can also help. They prevent losing touch with reality and with society.
8. In general, the ideal situation for me is when I come home only to sleep.
If you spend too much time alone, not among other people, and do not interact with them at all - even superficially or for practical reasons (work, study projects, language groups, etc.) - you can actually start losing contact with reality and "going crazy." In my view this is quite a dangerous state. However, these superficial contacts only help maintain mental stability and keep some connection with reality. They do not replace close relationships. The need for close relationships still remains, even after years. At least in my experience. But how to find or establish those close connections - I do not know. But this is a different topic. Not about how to live alone.
Once I graduated from school, I found it hard to make friends. My mid-20s were very lonely when I moved for work.
A few things I did:
I periodically had roommates. This wasn't the same experience as a college roommate, but at the time it helped with the loneliness.
I started going to tech meetups. (I lived in Silicon Valley.) This ultimately was where I met most of my friends.
(When I worked from home,) I would occasionally work out of a hacker space. After I changed jobs, I remained a member and went to social events. This was where I met the rest of my friends.
I volunteered.
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Some things that didn't work for me, but might work for you:
I tried going to church. (In my case I found a hippy interfaith that focused on world religions instead of Christianity.) This didn't last very long for me for reasons that I won't discuss here; but if you find a community that you like, it can work wonders. Churches are fundamentally social organizations.
I went to Burning Man twice. The community operates similar to a church. For various reasons, it didn't work for me, but if you're on the same wavelength of a Burning Man or "local burn" group, it can work for you.
I would often sit at the bar for 1-2 hours in the afternoon and have 1-2 beers. Sometimes I had great conversations, but it never lead to friendship.
I was surprised not to see the roommate suggestion more in this thread.
I guess it's highly dependent on where you're at culturally, as I can think of many regions where this wouldn't be normal.
After ~15 years of living alone I just took on a new roommate myself in my 40s. It's a friend of a family member who is half my age and needed a better living situation. I'm in a house that's too big for me and this kinda works. I'm still adjusting and largely an introvert but this more than scratches my social itch and gives me an excuse to cook more/better food.
Agreed, roommates were huge for me before I started a family. I have a strong tendency to become a hermit, and having another human in the vicinity is just enough healthy social pressure to snap me out of it. Forces me to wash the dishes and do normal human things.
Also very important for me: I always have some decent clothes hanging in my closet that are washed, prepped and ready to go for various situations. Not having something nice to wear for a last-minute social event is a massive source of friction, but if I can easily throw on some clothes that I feel good about then it really dials up my enthusiasm.
First off, what does your taper schedule look like for your meds? Are you planning on going off them or are you planning on staying on them? If you are staying on them, how long are you going to stay on them?
Medicine is for CURING things, not dependency. Dependency comes from taking drugs regularly, not medicine, which is taken until you are cured. So, are these drugs for you or are they medicine?
A Psychiatrist is not a personal councilor. They are there to "treat" your "disease" with meds/drugs. I had one for a hot minute and left after 2 sessions. Get a grief councilor that is the same gender as you. If I could go back I would change that part.
I'll be even more direct here. If you can't handle the pain of correction in your life now, you will surely handle it later on, at the cost of your youth and energy. The likelihood of you falling back in with someone toxic is going to be quite high if you don't get cleaned up and sober. So, make a commitment you will see this "being alone" thing through until you get happy.
An old friend once told me (when we were young) that he felt he needed to be happy alone before he could be happy with someone. I agree with this assertion. If you rely on a relationship, or person, to be happy (or experience happiness through them in the fog of meds) then you've already set yourself up for failure.
Lastly, be accountable. If you can figure out what you did wrong in the last relationship (and that can simply be STAYING with someone toxic) then you're setting yourself up for success.
Accountably is also realizing that the answer is within you. By looking outside of yourself, you avoid the harsh inner truths. Go to church if you don't want to directly address these. Go to the desert if you do.
And by all means, avoid alternate medications until you get off the ones you are on.
Good luck. You'll need grit to get through this, but you will get through it eventually.
You mentioned it, but I'll go deeper: the dog park.
In reality, this applies to any third place, but we'll go with the dog park.
I've been going to my local dog park nearly every day for the almost 14 years. Over time, I've met many of the best friends and best humans that I've known in my entire life. I have a group of regulars that evolves over time, and we're all good friends now. I also regularly see acquaintances who show up less often. This has been fantastic for my mental health.
So, again, this really applies to any third place. Go to church, a lot, if that's your thing. Join a bowling club and get deeply involved. Join a climbing gym and go all the time, and strike up conversations with people. Join a martial arts organization and get seriously involved.
The keys are to socialize and to fill up your time.
This feeling of loneliness is hard to fill. It takes time. I'm a pretty lonely person for other reasons, I go out and have friends but I find that there is too much noise in my mind and the moments of genuine connection are rare. I'm now reading books on chan (zen) and learning to cultivate and enjoy a more peaceful mind. I've finished therapy and been a psychiatric patient for years. Nothing worked until it did. It's constant education. I'm not claiming to be cured or healthy, but I'm happy. I can imagine how hard it is for you becoming so sudden.
There's definitely a lot of paths you can explore. There is therapy, philosophy, experiences. You can go to therapy to find answers. Even to find a first step. You can read any sort of books to find myriad new ways in which you could perceive the world and yourself in it. And the experiences come along the way. If you are taking the effort that is good. To take up effort you need to see the future. Seems like you believe in it, but wish to see it clearer. Just know that at the beginning of the path nothing is clear, but time is the only constant. And that every feeling is there to tell you something but you only need to recognize it. If it's still there trying to break through, let it through. With every move you make progress. Be kind to yourself.
Being lonely is difficult. A lot of people will try to tell you that it is not or that you should be OK with it. Unfortunately, a lot of this advice is moralizing, the sort of "there must be something wrong with you if you can't be by yourself for long periods of time." This really annoys me. There is nothing wrong with wanting to spend time with people! Being social is one of our most fundamental needs. But just look at all the negative health benefits loneliness brings about[1]. If you wouldn't be OK with a friend smoking 15 cigarettes a day, you probably shouldn't be OK with yourself being lonely for most days.
Humans are social animals. Yes, some people are not like this. But if you feel unhappy when you are alone, there is nothing wrong with you. This only means that you are normal.
That aside -- what do you do when you are lonely? "Easy": Go to places where there are people doing stuff and join them. Eventually you will make weak connections. Ask these people to hang out in other contexts. You are done. There are no tricks. The hard part is it takes effort and time - you need to show up over weeks or months, and following up with people outside of the event and making plans is effortful.
If you want one really targeted tip: I love pickleball. Unlike almost any other sport, pickleball has a community where you can just wander over to a pickleball court and join in with virtually anyone. Also, it's great exercise, so even if you don't meet anyone you like, you still got healthier anyways - it's a win-win.
I guess no one is going to say the obvious, so I'll bite.
Find someone else, make this a top priority. Forget online dating, just go out and try to make connections. Make this a top priority, much like trying to find a new job.
The rest of the people giving you coping mechanisms is just slop. Most people aren't meant to be alone. You sound like one of these people. You're looking for life hacks to deal with something that sounds like it's very much a choice. Do not go gentle into that good night. It's not going to get easier. And God forbid you have some medical issues which we all inevitably do. Who is going to take care of you? Who are you going to spend your last breaths on? Some passive musings to a nurse?
You were together all your adult life - you’re not two people anymore, you’re cleaved as one.
And now that’s been severed. It will hurt.
New hobbies and getting your mind off things won’t cut it. If this was a physical injury you wouldn’t recommend someone start a new sport. Your soul is injured.
If the partnership is totally irreconcilable (or if it’s something more tragic, then my condolences) then you just need to accept that and take the time to heal. But is it irreconcilable?
I initially read this as "I want to experience aloneness, how do I do it". I read it that way because to me, being alone is an incredibly wonderful and useful experience. You can know things when you are alone that you cannot otherwise know. Like your true size in the universe. There is nothing like being alone at night, outside, when the temperature is 20 without anything or anyone around you.
This is not something you will experience when being alone, locked in a room or a building. Or surrounded by people. You need to be in the wild, in nature. Do it.
In those moments of being alone you learn something that allows you to be more alive. More deeply in the world. And a way to give you a context for not being alone.
So my first suggestion is to go someplace where you are completely alone and on your own for a while. Out in nature.
People can be the most wonderful creatures on earth. And the worst. There is a pretty good way to find them at their best, and it is hilarious. Go on a quest.
What is a quest? It is not an intellectual thing, it is a thing of the heart. It does not have to be a great thing, but it does have to be one that matters to you - you have to care about it.
For example, you might decide to spend the night outside, alone in the winter. Do not read a book about this. Start asking people. Tell them why you are going on your quest and ask them if they know anyone who can help you learn how.
Now the secret to a successful quest is to follow it. If someone says Joe and Josie know, then go ask Joe and Josie. And of course you are honor bound to actually do the quest. People are utterly wonderful about helping someone, so ask for help.
Finally, write. Get a fountain pen and a notebook (or cheat and get a ballpoint pen). Sit down. Set a timer for one hour and write. The goal is to write sentences continuously for one hour. It matters not what you write. If you want (and can actually do it) you can write the same one over and over, but it has to be some sentence - no matter how broken.
We all get stuck in the past. The cure for the past is the future, the new. You have open doors in front. One or more of those has better things than anything in your past. So go there.
My advice is find a fairly priced coworking facility in your area and join that. Even better if it is a maker space also. Or just join the maker space. Its not good to work at home AND be alone all the time, if you're not the kind of person that likes that.
If for some reason you don't have coworking places, you can often find cheap offices in business parks on a month to month plan, but it will require some luck or some work to make friends with people in that environment.
Theres tons of good but random advice that could work, but the above I think would be a very small change to your life but also put you around tons of people.
Goodluck. Keep in mind that there are also countless people that would love to be in your situation, although I dont know if that helps you.
Check out improv if that might be your jam. I was effectively in the same situation (more so, via the empty-nest syndrome). Couple that to moving to a new town and working remotely, the isolation was devastating.
Improv pretty much selects for people that are playful, intelligent, and kind (it's a team sport after all).
Another aspect is learn to dance. Dance communities can be very strong, and dancing is a wonderful activity on so many levels. I initially went with expectations of meeting somebody, but now it's solely for the activity and sense of community.
> There are the usual suggestions: […] But I'm finding it hard to actually do any of that.
There are some other suggestions and ideas here in the comments and your response also boils down to “thank you but that’s too hard”.
Sorry to say this but - it’s going to be hard. Did you want something easy? I don’t think it exists in this situation. Creating new routines and breaking out into something different from what you were used to for years, will take effort and resources. There’s no magic pill.
You can do this but it’ll take effort and discipline. Go for it!
> many of you find alone-ness to be natural, and even required
You can hear that from people who are not truly alone, but have more attention from their closest than they need.
The answer to your question - "Don't". Shift your priorities, reshape your life, change your place of living if needed, but don't be alone. This shit will kill you.
Maybe you can discover other ways to be connected with meaninful people – not necessarily the closest/relatives ones - through sports, volunteering, local neighborhood initiatives. If needed, spend more money on it, travel to other countries to meet people that you care about. Anything that leads to real human hug will work. I measure unloneliness progress in the average number of human hugs per day :). Optimize your life for that.
Whatever you do, refuse to have the life where you're alone.
First off, it's just hard. Sorry you have to go through it.
What's worked unfailingly for me for the 40+ years since I became an adult was always having long term habits that moved my life forward. I had no guidance on the big stuff, so from about age 12 I methodically taught myself about programming, sculpting a career, investment, running a business, running a household, being funny, being a man, etc. All years-long efforts. (If I had to do it all again I'd replace one of those with a martial art.)
So I had something to work on instead of lapsing into depression during very dark times. If you met me the last thing you would imagine is that chicks dig me, but they do. I'm not good looking by any standards. But building these skills created a person that people know can get things done at a pretty high level. People like a confident dude, and that will probably serve you much better than spending an ungodly amount of time on Hinge.
Plenty of people have already said join a gym. I'll build on that and say try and find one that offers group classes - anything from the Les Mills line up, for instance. For several years until Covid struct, I used to do Body Combat twice a week, along with occasional Cx Works and Body Pump. A year before I started doing all of that it had never occurred to me that I might want to set foot in a gym!
In the most difficult stages of my life I've found that exercise raised my energy levels and left me more able to tackle the things I needed to face - and the friends I made through group classes helped as well.
Look for other kinds of in-person group activities (if you play an instrument, open mic nights, retro-computing meets or hackspaces), and give them a go - even if they're not the kind of thing you usually enjoy - be prepared to be surprised!
I'm sorry you're going through this and I'm impressed that you are in touch enough with your feelings to articulate it.
There's a lot of great advice in this thread. The best I have is to
1) Join a gym and go consistently. Nothing improves your mood like endorphins. Plus, at 38 you'll be amazed at what kind of shape you can get in.
2) Meditate. Learning to be present and grounded will enable you to decide who you want to be and who you want to be with. One I like is called Quantum Light Breath, particularly the version from Jeru Kabbal. It's a guided meditation so you can do it alone, although it is great in a group as well. Spoiler: It has nothing to do with quantum mechanics or the physics of light. There is a lot of breathing, though.
I was almost about to suggest the OP to move to a small town in India. Here he/she will be fighting for privacy though ;). What a contrasting culture!
For humans at least seeing other people is a bare minimum. I would just go for a walk, wave at my neighbour/building workers, make small talk etc. I don't know how the cultural dynamics work, but can't you move back into your parents home? Just being alone with depression sounds terrible. I hope your situation improves soon.
Ok. First time writing here. Been there: totally alone (four blocks away from my three kids) at 35 -that was 15 years ago-.
What it worked: volunteer.
Sometimes you'll feel glorious sometimes you'll feel meeh, sometimes you feel annoyed, but I think that's the point.
Just volunteer.
Try to do your best and “invade” the still existing third spaces, no matter if that involves some extra money that otherwise you wouldn’t have spent. The best example for that are coffee shops, pick two or three of them and try to go there almost every day, by rotation, even for work (if during the week), or just for reading/browsing your phone. Be sure to bring your dog with you.
There are also parks, not sure if there are any of those in your general area, but make sure to make a routine out of walking your dog through them. Also make sure to sit on a bench for 5, 10, even 30 minutes, people-watching, even if it’s the middle of the day and work is waiting. Let it wait.
I am a decade+ older and in the winding down stage of the second marriage. I was where you were after the first marriage and am coming back to the same place because I jumped into the second one too fast. I also had a serious burnout/depression and spent 3 months medical digging myself out of it by reading the psychology literature and looking for help in many places, some unusual.
So, I am going to say a bunch of things that helped me. The challenge is that maybe they will not seem helpful from exactly where they are, because they may be two or three steps ahead of exactly what you need. But, if the stuff resonates, let me know and I will be happy to give more details over the email. The most important point is, there is a way out. And there is a lot of resources out there to help you to find the way out. But you need to take ownership over it. In the way that works for you. Which is catch-22 right now because you are overwhelmed. But maybe something below will help you to find a direction you can move in and then you add the rest.
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Psychiatrists do not make you better.
They get you back to the societal mean. At best. Psychologists may or may not make you better. Actually, they do not make you better. They walk along with you as you make yourself better. They are "the tool" not "the leader". Which opens up a question of whether they are the right tool. I looked at maybe 30 different psychological approaches trying to figure out which one was for me. And, nearly accidentally, discovered John Rowan, who wrote a lot of books on therapy, personal growth, etc. And deep in one of the books, there was a table which split personal positions and therapies into four categories (columns). The table blew my mind. I think it was in the book Personification (ISBN: 9780415433464).
It says that people may be in one of four major places. In first column, they may identify and judge themselves against society and its norms. That's where psychiatrists and psychological approaches like CBT work.
In second column, they want to redefine themselves (I want to be the kind of person who does X - e.g. cooks fancy dishes). So, they have internal resourcing and internal guidance. Gestalt therapy works in there.
In third column, they believe not in society but in external entity. God, angels, tarot, etc. Jungian approach resonates for those people, but so does Tantra, etc.
And, in fourth column, there is non-dual people. Taoism, some Buddhism (Dharmakaya, not Nirmanakaya).
The point is. Do you know which of these are you? I am column 2. And when I understood that, it became easier to see when something was aligned to my solution path and when something was "trying to help" but was using a terminology that was very misaligned to my internal process.
I am guessing your definition of self was coming from your partner before. And now you are still aching for that definition, but it is not available. So, you have roughly four options:
1) Find another source of definition of you, given to you by external sources. New partner, workaholism, group that will gladly take all of your time. That's column 1 solution.
2) Decide to figure out who "you" are. Basically, The Ship of Theseus approach. Decide that "I am the kind of person who is .... (great home chef)" and then do whatever is needed to become that. That's a lot of soul searching. And a lot of scaffolding building. I am doing this right now. I found Existential Therapy approach helpful to think through that. I found Sara Kuburic's book (It's on me, ISBN: 9780593449264) surprisingly good overview for that, as I prefer to do deep work myself. Victor Frankl is existentialist, but I did not find his book that useful, I think the therapy modality that is built on top of philosophy is way more relevant.
3) Decide to lean on external non-societal authority (column 3). Go find a Pegan group, start looking at Astrology, wake up your kundalini snakes, etc. Maybe it will resonate, maybe it will not.
4) Go all Tao or Zen or "it is what it is".
There is a little bit of a cheat. A lot of healing work happens in column 3 spaces. But you need to either resonate with them or find a translation layer to be able to participate. I've been building the later for myself, but it is even more work. Worth it, though.
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You do not know yourself, yet. You need to build your interoception. You need to ask yourself a question of "is this interesting to me" and being able to feel the answer. This may feel strange but it is totally doable. You can start by trying to assign numbers to your anxiety strength on any particular day (I have 1-10 scale with breath stop at 11), but it can get way more nuanced. And the deeper you go into interoception, the more clarity you get. Meditation is one (long) way to go there. But, something like Gendlin's focusing is another. There are some groups online that practice Focusing, some even for free.
Also, Authentic Relating, Circling of various kinds, Ann Weiser Conrell free mini-courses, etc. You could be busy online "present" with people every day of the week.
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You may need to grieve. Or some sort of cathartic release anyway. Again, a bunch of ways to do that, you just need to search for them. Sometimes in weird places. Ecstatic Dances are one way people do that (5Rhythms, etc). Holotropic Breathwork is another. Some online breathing groups, too. Look for groups that are present somehow "as they are", often with music.
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You may need to rebuild social skills and/or play test different personas. Improv is amazing for that. I know a bunch of people with depression or anxiety growing and chilling-out through Improv. That also gives you community. And quite valuable skills (hearing what people actually say; or, on advanced levels, what they don't say). It is a lot more than what it promises on the tin.
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Journaling, especially writing things by hand is very useful. Could be morning pages, could be Progoff's Intensive Journal, could be deep chat with LLM. The reason it works is because when you just think those thoughts, your mind compresses a lot of little steps or even skips them. It runs right past the open doors. When you write them out line by line, your brain both reads what is written and - importantly - stops holding on those thoughts too much, because it trusts the external capture. Even if you then burn that peace of paper.
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I did not touch sexuality and sensuality. Not for this site. But, let's just say, there is a lot out there as well, of all kinds. Not just Tantra.
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There is more. Lots more. A bunch of that is in old books from 1970s on archive.org for free. Bunch of it is kind of 303 or 404 level, you need to get 101 sorted first before you understand the concepts. Rituals, liminal spaces, positive effects of placebo, proximate zone of development, the rabbit hole can go very deep. And, it all can be healing when you have sufficient scaffolding for it. The scaffolding is the key, you need to build it for yourself.
The overall point is, there are many paths forward. You are on a threshold of starting to walk one or more of them (Asking HN is a sign that you are getting ready). Don't see "right now" as a terrible time. See it as an opportunity to figure out who YOU really are, and get that solidified before the next relationship. It is hard work, but it is worthwhile work. I did not do that around your age, and I am back at the ground work point again. I can't stress this point hard enough.
I have been through the exact same thing at the same age.
I'm 40 now.
The last two years, I had to learn how to be alone with myself. How to deal with the ups and downs, and frankly, it was the most difficult yet the most growth I ever had in my life.
I just want to say that I'm in a similar position to you. 32 and divorced my wife a couple of months ago. We had gotten together at 18--I had lived with her my entire adult life, excepting college. Still not completely sure it was the right decision, but I had nagging unhappiness in the relationship that I couldn't seem to solve, even with personal and couple's therapy. I have to remind myself how lonely I felt in my marriage sometimes... solitude can be better than a feeling of rejection or alienation.
This is just to say... it sucks. It's really hard. It seems to get a little bit better over time, but at least right now, I still find it really hard.
Some things that help:
1. Claiming the space you live in. Nest. Get some art you like. Put up photos that remind you of the significant relationships you still have, that remind you of good times with others.
2. Exercise. Whenever I'm having a particularly hard day, exercise is a huge reprieve for me. It saps whatever anxious energy I have and channels it into the movement and effort.
3. Observing yourself, the thoughts that crop up to you. "Oh, I'm having thought XXX again. I'm going to put that down for now." The more times you do it, the more it will occur to you that you can. Focus in on your senses, how your body feels. Often, when my mind is anxious or lonely, my body is feeling fine, and I can take some comfort in that.
4. Plans. Make plans with others. Lean into your friendships. Reach out to people more frequently. And, importantly LEAN INTO VULNERABILITY! If you're a man, like me, you might have put a lot of your "intimacy" eggs into one basket--your partner. Try to build these kinds of relationships with others. It won't always work, sometimes you'll face implicit or explicit rejection, but when it does, you'll find your friendships deepen. A lot more people are looking for this than you might expect.
5. Creative and emotional outlets (related). Journaling helps to ground, and somehow the act of writing to myself makes me feel less alone. Poetry and music have been great for expressing some of the pain. The act of creating can be very satisfying, and it's a solitary activity, for the most part.
6. Do nice things for yourself. Keep your place looking nice. Buy yourself things you might want. When you cook dinner, put out a place mat and eat at the table and light a candle--do things you would have done while you were partnered. Treat yourself like you're your own partner.
7. Read things that keep your mind engaged. I don't know about you, but one of the worst things about being alone for me is a tendency to ruminate when my mind isn't busy. Go over regrets, what I could have done differently, whether I made the right decision. One of the best ways to avoid this, for me, is to have books I'm reading that engage my brain when I'm not busy, in thinking over the material that I've read.
Some don'ts:
1. Rebound. I hooked up with a good friend about 2 weeks after divorcing. It got intense quickly (there had already been feelings) and then it crashed and burned (all within a month). I wasn't ready; she wasn't ready. Now we're trying to renormalize back into friendship, but it seems some damage was done. And now I'm carrying two losses in a way that's confusing and just amplifies things. That said, I had received this advice on all sides and didn't follow it... so why would I expect anyone else to? All this is to say, it's probably good to be "okay" with being alone (even if you don't want to be forever) before launching into something else.
2. Careful with substances. It's easy to get into the habit of drinking a bit every night (or at least it was for me), though tbh this had become a problem before the divorce too, since it was occupying me so much... But even in reasonable amounts, it adds up, makes your mood lower, makes the process of moving on and building a new life harder. I imagine the same applies for weed or practically anything else.
3. Social media. Looking at pictures of happy couples, seeing all the things others are doing, or brain rotting watching reels--none of these will make you feel better, but an app on your phone is super easy to reach for when you're feeling lonely as a form of dissociation.
I'm slightly younger than you are but I remember how video games and sitting in front of my computer made me feel like this. You asked how to be willing to be alone but I will pivot my answer here that maybe you don't have to be alone? If you don't want to be alone here are the steps I would take nowadays.
I would recommend finding a improv class. This helps you to get used to laugh to yourself and make a fool of yourself. Also the people attending improv classes are more open in general. When you are more comfortable with these feelings then it becomes easier to open up a conversation with strangers. First times it feels awkward but you can frame the narrative that this is just you learning social skills and your body adapting to the new situation. When you do this enough it becomes easier to find new people into your life. You might feel creepy and they might feel that you're creepy but it becomes easier when you practice. Be open about your learning: "Sorry if I'm bothering you. I'm trying to learn how to speak to others. How is your day going?"
If the chit-chat goes well ask them for coffee or a lunch or if they want to join you for a walk with your dog. Strangers often ask if they can pet my dog when walking in the public with her. Put your focus into them rather than your feelings. Ask how their day has been. Ask how do they spend their time. Ask follow up questions: "Oh you like knitting? It reminds me of my Grandma. Are your granparents still alive? How often do you see them?". This way other people feel that you are actually paying attention and it helps you to connect with them.
Learn how to use your calendar and start planning stuff together with the people you meet. Most of the people are just self-centered and want to have someone who would listen to them. If you provide this for them you will find people who are interested in your company. Hopefully eventually you will meet also few people who will listen to you as well.
When you start having more friends/acquaintances the hollow feeling did go away for me. The hollow feeling still comes every now and then but I've somehow accidentally built a routine that when it comes I will reach my phone and suggest something to do for my friends.
YMMV but for me it has been a long journey but definitely worth it and doable for others if they can endure the anxiety during the way. Also remember to sleep/eat/excercise in addition like others said. When you don't everything else falls apart.
This will get downvoted to oblivion, but consider a major change: enlist in the military, sign up for a stint on a commercial fishing vessel, or go work as a firefighter. You will have tons of time with other people, even live with them for extended periods, but they will also tend to respect your space.
If you're intersted in (local) politics, join the local chapter of your favorite political party. Not sure where you live obviously, but in my experience, local political chapters do a lot of community work and events where you're together with other members, etc. And obviously there's already a common interest, so it's a great place to get to meet new people.
At the same time, you will being contributing more to a better democracy in your country!
There may be a 24/7, or frequently open, adoration chapel nearby to you. Maybe you could make a daily trip to spend a little time (a “holy hour”) with Christ present with us on earth in the Blessed Sacrament?
I presume you already know this, but it may be worth reminding that the typical effect of antidepressants is to make people feel blank. It erases the negative, but also the positive.
My mother died 2 years ago and a couple of months ago I lost my job. I don't have any friends and have no family left. I tried antidepressants, but I don't believe in chemical help anymore. I read self-help books like "Feeling Good".
I take care of the house, walk the dog, apply to jobs, go swimming twice a week. I won't starve. If I don't find a job soon I might go back to school and go into teaching.
I deal with loneliness the same way I'd deal with any addiction. I tell myself I just need to get through one minute at a time, then one hour and then one day. It's not even a whole 24h, I only have to be awake for 16h and I can get through that. Tomorrow doesn't matter, because I might not have to wake up again. If I do, I'll handle it then.
This allows me to not add any further worry/anxiety/pain to the day. when it hurts, I get by, and when the pain stops for a few hours, I enjoy the things I have available to me - walks on the beach, substance abuse (chocolate), reading, watching TV. I tend to watch the same shows over and over, it's almost like having friends, but they never leave. I do try to talk to one human being at least once a week even if it's online, just to make sure my voice still works. It's important to realise that nothing really matters in the end. There's no viva committee at the end that will pass/fail you. Serving your time on earth is the only thing that matters. Once the time is passed, you never have to serve it again.
Hi dude, sorry about this. Hope it is for the better.
What you are feeling is absolutely natural. If you lost somebody in your life(parents, grandparents), which you shared a lot of time with and enjoyed sharing your upsides and downsides, you'll feel like somebody took a part of you.
Whether that person was good for you or not, we have chemicals in our brains that want us to have friends and company, as this is what made our species be so successful! So, no need to overthink this, your brain is working exactly as it should.
As you like playing games, I'd recommend getting a copy of WoW Midnight, which just launched and giving it a try. It's a very sociable game and your first goal should be to get in a guild and find new friendships.
As everybody is 30+ in the game and actually average around your age, it'll be easy for you to find similar people to you.
My second recommendation is to look at your own interests, even stuff you left behind because of your partner.
For instance, I like climbing and even going bouldering solo might mean I'll make some friends along the way.
You need to do things that get you together with people. People will help you get healed.
Also if the climate allows take your dog for a walk to the park and try to consistently spend time there. This will net you company very quickly, but don't go so fast, let things take time.
I am kind of put off by your description of your psychiatrist.
No, it's not a great psychiatrist when they subscribe you drugs to "fix" things. Drugs should be the very last resort. A psychiatrists' role is to help you with self debugging your memories and to help you put them into a context that you can understand easier. They should be a guide for dealing with emotional trauma and help you process and understand the loops that make you feel helpless, and to help you understand the moments that were out of your control.
Please, OP, find a psychiatrist where you feel safe to share, and that helps you to deal with the emotional loss. Swallowing it up because society expects you to be a "man" is unhealthy behavior, and carrying over trauma into your next relationship is unfair to the other/next person in your life.
Other than that, my advice would be to write a list of things you always wanted to do. And just do them. Find out what you are passionate about and what makes you happy.
Find a sport to keep your biological machine maintained, and find the thing you care about the most. There is a lot of problems in our society to get involved with. If there is no community around the things you care about, then found one and invite others to join.
You are not as alone as you think, you just stopped reaching out.
You should travel, the whole point of being remote is to enjoy life without being tagged to a location, since you have pets depending on how comfortable you are with them being in hostels you should definitely be traveling a lot more and then be able to meet folks and have a more filling life, start local and then go abroad often
I love being alone as long as I have a couple of the friends to talk to a couple of times a week.
It's actually my ideal setup.
However I'm lucky enough to have some friends I can just chat with occasionally which makes all the difference.
When I was truly alone it was rough.
I feel like making friends is somewhat of a part-time job at first. You just got to do whatever you can to get around people.
A warning: predator type people can also sense vulnerable lonely people so don't just make friends with anyone who will be friends with you right away. Be vary careful and if you get a sense that something isn't right don't let the pain of loneliness override your safety.
Leave your house every single day and don’t go back home until you’ve talked to 10 people you don’t know. Say yes to any social invitation you receive no matter how much you don’t want to do it. Never flake on anything.
I had a very positive experience volunteering in retirement homes. The work mostly involved talking with the residents. Many of them often have no one to talk to and very little happening in their lives, so almost any conversation is interesting to them. You can learn a lot from them, have someone genuinely interested in you, and do a good deed at the same time.
I have the opposite problem. Spending time with people is difficult for a few years now. Even though I was born in the west and have only known this world. Now I will be leaving the west soon.
Something I’ve wanted to do for reasons for 1-2 years. I will usually say it’s because of my finances/possible recession. That is a helpful practical benefit. Reasons due to a series of life events that “broke” my worldview during and right after the pandemic causing this [purposeful] loner situation are the actual reasons.
I wish I didn’t feel this way. It sucks never wanting to talk or hang out with the remaining people I am in touch with.
Well it sounds like you miss this other person. If they're still alive I would probably try to talk to them, explain your feelings and and let them know you want them back.
If the person is no longer alive then you need to allow yourself to grieve. You can allow yourself to revisit past times in your mind. You can keep their memory alive in your mind.
If the person broke up with you and doesn't want to get back together then try to focus on their negative personality traits. Nobody is perfect and you can surely find things that you are glad you don't have to put up with anymore. Focus on those things. Worst case, focus on how badly they treated you and reflect on what it says about their character... Maybe that will make them look less appealing. My experience is that when someone mistreats me (or others) in any way, it creates a natural deep dislike for them. Maybe focus on that.
Life is rarely fully comfortable. You're almost always dealing with something. The key is to not focus on the things that make it worse.
> In many ways it feels like being imprisoned, except at least in prison there are other inmates to socialize with. "Solitary confinement with internet" is probably a better analogy.
To me this feels more like shouting in the void type of feeling at times. Like no matter what I say on this forum or that, the chances of real change from it stems unlikely :/
The world is in a depressing mood right now so I'd recommend to shut off news for some time if it troubles ya (genuine suggestion) and my friend, use a hackernews filter to block news related or AI related things as well. I suppose, just have some interesting cool facts that get shared on HN or something cool tech related! (I need to follow this...)
Another point, Just take things slow. Human mind desires intimacy and friendships and our brains are simply not designed for isolation for the most part. (I had written more part but it just felt like talking what I was feeling which was good to write personally but would've been hard for others to read and maybe get something nice out of so I have removed it now)
So what I am saying is:
1. have patience with yourself even if it feels hard, you are doing great by talking with us as I am telling you that you aren't alone in this struggle and I want you to please just do small steps towards just interacting with people in a more positive light. Maybe make the spirit as tomorrow's gonna be a brand new day :D
2. Use study-together Discord server (This is something that I personally used) or any place essentially where you can find people who are working when you are working and some of whom are relaxing when you are relaxing. This allows some talks in middle of just normal stuff. Maybe there can be a work-together community too I am not sure.
Anecdotally, I have found the idea being that this problem is within us. This is actually good because we can actually solve the problem (to some degree) and we have control. The freedom is also scary especially for someone like me who lacks discipline/patience at times but yeah.
Recently I had felt so alone in my head like completely alone sometime sort-of and then I had a marriage of my cousin and within just 3 days, I felt so connected. I danced so much that I lost track of my breath or even what's going on. I just danced :D, Perhaps there can be some event where you can just give every part of frustration into something external and feel happy as I did with my cousin's marriage? [Not that things are doing extremely better now but for short term, it was so absolutely good]
A lot of that joy came because like, I was myself and people appreciated me for it. Like even in hackernews or like whatever idk, I try to be myself but still feel short sometimes. Like the idea of greed even maybe of wanting more but I don't think that Internet or IRC can completely substitute but rather alleviate in the sense of making friends.
I am experimenting with some new things on the internet though. Anything which makes me feel passionate actually.
Another Idea I wish to say is that perhaps you are trying to replace the intimacy with Internet or Gaming or any hobby. That's completely okay and I have sort of done that but I have found some sort of same feelings as you lingering when I try to do that. I think they still linger and some feelings of acceptance , as harsh as it sounds feels like the stoic way to approach. These are your feelings tho and you are correct feeling them but just acknowledge them and try to co-operate with them and work with them and maybe you can figure something out. I am sure.
(I usually start these messages with saying I am 17 or something, but this time I'd rather end with saying it. So right now, I absolutely get the idea of high school sweetheart and so I imagine that and the situation that you are talking about 20 years later. That's almost my entire age, It's entirely true that its gonna take some time to adjust. It means that you cared, cared enough that you are bothered by its lack. You are human. Have patience sir and with the patience , try new things which make you feel alive. Not necessarily something risk taking but suppose even a good game of chess in real life with pieces moving and people watching makes one feel alive. Here's a hug and you aren't alone, I suppose everyone feels lonely online in some capacity. Connected yet disconnected. I am trying out some new yet old things on internet like sharing links) but that's not really the point to bring back some control but yeah. It's 3 Am and I have spent around an ~hour when I have a maths test tomorrow :)
I sort of believe that every generation has some loneliness when you think about it so I also think that there are people who are likely to give you perspectives and help you out who are far more knowledgable than me. I might have to go sleep now as I am unable to write anything which can be more useful for ya even though I have tried.
The onset of the pandemic in 2020 left me more isolated than I'd even been before in my life. I was single, I was working remotely, and the lock-downs finally killed what was left of my preexisting friend group. I have a naturally solitary disposition, but even for me, it was hard.
Here are some coping strategies you can apply right away:
→ Listen to podcasts, especially podcasts in a chatty & informal style. It really helps to just hear people talking. If you're looking for recommendations, I'm very fond of If Books Could Kill.
→ A lot of podcasts have Discord servers associated with them, where fans of the show congregate & talk. Sometimes you have to pay a couple bucks on Patreon to get access. These can be good places to go for a very easy, low-effort social space. You can keep it open on another monitor & let it serve as background chatter that you can dip into at any time.
→ Do stuff. Go to museums, go to movies, go to dinner. Some people have hangups about (e.g.) eating at restaurants alone, but you must overcome this psychological hurdle immediately. You will feel much more alive if you go outside.
→ Read a book. If it doesn't grab you, then set it down and start another. Beauty is good for the soul, and the wonderful thing about a paperback novel is that, unlike TV and movies, you cannot pull out your phone and multitask. With practice, you can stay immersed in a text for longer & longer periods of time. Eventually, a good novel will be able to eat up your whole weekend and leave you feeling great afterwards.
→ Start a journal. Without an intimate partner to talk to, it can feel like your head is heavy with half-formed thoughts that you just can't get rid of. Getting them down on paper is almost as good as voicing them to another person. The podcasts are nice, but spending all your time listening to podcasts can gradually teach you to be uncomfortable when left with your own thoughts. Keeping a journal helps you stay on good terms with yourself. I can't recommend it enough.
Now I'll get into some longer-term lifestyle changes. These can take a while to come to fruition and may require leaving your comfort zone, but they're worthwhile.
→ For me, there is nothing better for my mental health than a 90-minute park run on a breezy day in late spring. Even a 30-minute stint on a treadmill in the dead of winter will clear my mind. I don't know what your relationship to exercise is, so I can't really call this a quick fix, but think about ways to incorporate exercise into your routine in ways that you'll enjoy. Personally, I suggest running.
→ There's a broad stratum of fun social events designed for meeting people and developing shared hobbies. Pottery classes, choir programs, ultimate frisbee. You pay a couple hundred bucks to sign up, then you go to the event on Thursday nights and maybe get drinks with some of the other members afterwards. You won't be best friends right away, and you'll probably never get that close with most of them, but having a loose community like this is nice, and if you stay in contact with people after the course ends, you may take away some lasting friendships.
→ Undertake a creative project. I wrote a novel during the pandemic. It sucked, but I put a lot of time and love into it and I really felt like I did something. (The trouble with writing a novel, of course, is that nobody will want to read it. If you're smarter than me, you'll pick up something like painting, which produces stuff you can hang up, show off, and give away. Pottery and music I mentioned earlier, but I'll mention them here again.) Creativity is extremely fulfilling. It takes time to feel like you're producing anything valuable, but when you do, it'll mean a lot.
As weird or hard as it sounds, you need to embrace being alone. That doesn't mean you shouldn't try to expose yourself to situations where you meet people or think about how you spend your time (may I suggest: limit internet/computer time). It just means you should enjoy the positives that come with being alone and avoid seeing it as a shameful thing you need to distract yourself from. Other people in other circumstances never get a chance to be for themselves and have the reflection and thoughts this allows for. You are with yourself and that is hard and frightening, but also a chance to come to terms with yourself. From your description it is pretty clear thst this is probably something you need to do.
Get something to care for, plants for example. If you need inspiration on a deeper level consider watching Perfect Days by Wim Wenders. Don't read too much about it before. It is one of those films that gave me a new perspective on things, may it do the same for you. To find joy in the simple things and go through your day in dignity.
Dating sites and online are not going to make you feel better so don't expect anything from that. 38 is young for a guy, and I met plenty of women in my 40s (in real life) who would have made a a good couple with.
I went through a similar experience with a high school sweetheart. I am in my thirties. I focus heavily on being a father now (maybe too much), and it’s extremely rewarding. I picked up guitar and took lessons, was introduced to a beginner cover band, and met friends through that. The gym is another big one. For me, exercise makes me feel better mentally in a noticeable lasting way.
My advice is to pick up a hard hobby you really enjoy and finding places where people doing that thing would be.
By rethinking everything about yourself and your relationship to the World as a whole.
I live alone with a hermit-like lifestyle (even though i live in the middle of a big city) and so perhaps my advice may be of some use.
Read Philosophy, Read Psychology and orient your entire Worldview accordingly. This is very important; you cannot choose solitude while thinking and longing for external socializations/validations. Self-Denial and Self-Control are the key attitudes to practice. A complete framework/discipline like Patanjali Ashtanga Yoga is a good one to follow.
Keep Body Active, Maintain proper Diet and Sleep. Whenever you feel down/depressed get out and walk (or do any physical activity). Become aware of what in the environment triggers your "loneliness" and consciously move away from it.
When you go to the grocery store/coffee shop/restaurant/etc. converse/joke/laugh with the employees/customers there since that is your much needed essential "socialization" fix. Understand how the self uses social-surrogates to satisfy its social needs eg. social media.
The key idea is that you limit socialization/interaction to the absolute essentials i.e. to that which is impelled by nature.
Also Mind and Body are one and so problems can be solved by approaching them via both avenues. This is why motion/exercise is so good for the mind.
Cultivate total Zen-like "mindfulness in the present" so that your mind forgets the self and is fully occupied in any activity you are engaged in which could be as mundane as house-cleaning/dishwashing/etc.
Live in the present, with your consciousness externalized momentarily but without any effort; when the mind stops linking itself to the past and to the future, it becomes no-mind. If from moment to moment your mind dwells on what is and drops it effortlessly at once [just before moving on to something else], the mind becomes no-mind, full of purity.
don't problematize it. you get target lock from that and it will derail you from the things you enjoy.
the real questions are:
- what would you like?
- what would you do if you wouldn't fail?
I live in the proverbial cottage in the woods, have for years now, more Thoreau's Walden than Kaczinsky's cabin by far. The solitude is the most precious thing.
I chop a lot of wood, practice classical music, walk my dog and ride horses. I sit by a fire year round a couple times a week. Some years I do a garden. I'm in constant training in arts.
I also have a pretty intense job (security) that benefits from being able to walk and have lunch by the river in a forest.
The things I tend to avoid because they are degrading to the human spirit are:
There are many people that feel this way. I think one has to take the initiative, has to go somewhere, in real life, where other people are and the the conditions are right for getting to know people. Computer Games or IRC are just a weak substitute. Turn off the PC, go out. Give other people the chance to meet you. Go to (local) events, concerts, sports, anything where other people are. It doesn't really matter what, anything that doesn't bore you. Try things. Opportunities will come. Then take them.
Here are a couple of things I did where I got into contact with others naturally or where conversation with strangers developed easily. I think such activities or places can generate opportunities for a start of something that could be developed further.
Getting a gig as an extra in a film production. I registered with a free extras agency. They semi-regularly ask for availability, mostly for 1 full day, paying minimum wage. I've been on a couple of shoots, and there's always a longer wait time (hours) and a bunch of other extras to talk to. The people there are very diverse and very friendly: students, people of various ages, professions and education, locals, foreigners. They often strike up a conversation because there is really no other thing to do besides looking at your phone. It's very easy to start talking with people there; one can start commenting on the costumes, the set, the project, and the past extra experiences, then segue to what they do in real life. Often when shooting, we get paired up or grouped with people, which is another opportunity to chat casually, because there are also wait times between shots. I've met nice and interesting people there. Some are also there because they are lonely.
I think this has key elements that one might look for in other potential activities:
- common location in the real world
- people are open to talk
- multiple people
- natural topics to start a conversation, commonalities
- no expectations, relaxed atmosphere, no pressure, informal
Other examples:
Going alone to an outdoor basketball court in a public park, shooting hoops. I got asked to play in pick-up games. When having a break, a conversation can happen naturally.
Going to a park, playing soccer on a little pitch alone (taking some shots at the goal, dribbling). Some young kids also came onto the pitch, and I asked them if they wanted to make teams and play a match. At a break, a woman, who must have watched, came to me to ask me what my profession is. She said she thought I was in education because I was good with the kids. I think she might have flirted with me.
I know a person coming from another country, not really knowing anybody here. Now she has more friends and social contacts than anyone else I know. Besides her work acquaintances from her job training and job here, she actively looked for potential friendships on apps (Bumble BFF) and also was successful there. She also goes to dancing class and to meetings of a kind of Free Church, where they mostly talk about non-religious topics and help each other out. She often gets invited to birthday parties, weddings, etc., where she meets new people.
While going by train, in an almost empty cart, a guy I didn't know started a conversation with me. We talked for an hour. I think if I had asked him if he wanted to meet for another chat, he would have agreed.
Book recommendations:
Dale Carnegie: "How to Win Friends and Influence People"
>There are a few parts to the difficulty. One is that when I have something to say about my day, there's nowhere to say it; no one on HN cares whether I fixed up the blinds or cooked pork steaks. I hang out in an IRC chatroom for that, but sometimes nobody's around for hours.
I wasn't necessarily gonna reply to this thread, but you struck a chord with me here. I spend a lot of time on IRC myself. I would say branch out to more channels and/or invite more people to your usual channel. I have some IRC friends I like more than others, but pretty much around the clock someone is around. The Finns, the Poles, the Brits, the Americans/Canadians, not to mention the NEETs and night owls with shifting schedules who could pop up at any time. Sometimes there are lulls and I'll write 20 lines in a row talking to myself, and maybe I'll have moments where it feels pointless or like I'm going crazy, but then one of the lads wakes up a few hours later and starts replying to stuff and everything is fun and exciting again. Find a way to stick out the lows, and make the highs more common.
As for no one caring, someone probably cares at least a little. Maybe they prefer to lurk, maybe they're busy, maybe they feel weird replying for some reason. There's probably someone who'd miss you if you stopped posting for a while. I know I find myself doing a .seen (bot command) on a handful of nicks throughout the day if they haven't posted in a while, or cycling through some saved quotes with the bot to get some conversations going again. I try not to spend all my free time chatting because I do have things I want to watch and play also, but IRC is hugely important in my life for sure, as someone who doesn't get out much, and frankly doesn't like to get out much either.
As for games, YMMV but after a long multi-year break from games, I found fun in them again by approaching them a bit differently. No more shooters (first/third person) since I think the genre is extremely oversaturated and tired, plus I played too many in the past, keep the game count per month low, aim to get all the achievements if possible, and if all is on track, switch games at the start of a new month. I basically deep-dive into every game that I decide to play and get to know it quite well. It's fun then to write a review at the end of the month as well. I stick mostly to games which are either singleplayer or still fun when played singleplayer. I do not want to play anything that relies on other people to be any good, there's too much room for failure. I try to avoid AAA or FotM stuff. I'll resist using the word but I don't play games like Peak or Lethal Company. I end up saying no to most games suggested to me, or delaying trying out a game for a few months because I'm in the middle of another game, or already have the next game or two picked out. I find this a lot more fulfilling than jumping between 10 games in a day, feeling bored and aimless, never finishing anything.
I don't know how you feel about anime, but you could pick out some seasonal anime and keep up with it as it airs. MAL and LiveChart have the season charts. Gives you reason to look forward to particular days of the week, and the shows all have clear ends, giving you lots of stopping points. Optionally you can read/participate in episode discussions afterward. Watching a really good episode of anime is one of the best feelings.
I started going to tech meetups in the nearest large city. The tech scene is utter crap there compared to SF or Boston but I get to interact with a few smart, like-minded people almost each week. My wife says it's been good for me.
Marrying the right person helped. I'm quite in the opposite situation from you: I married for the first time in my mid-40s. I know what it's like to be alone, and to an extent I grew comfortable with it. Now that there's someone in my life, I'm all in disarray. That's not a bad thing, as I've been forced to grow to become worthy of this: two humans, six nonhuman animals, love filling the house.
I have had very varying experiences with suggestions (or talking to someone) about these kinds of changes in life and how to deal with them. Most of the times what I have to say has been met with resistance (sometimes even some sort of resentment or confrontation, or a mix of the two). Why is that? No, not because I consider that they thought I was being a jerk or flippant. But because they had considered certain things undoable, or they didn't do them before, and didn't want to change that and hence when I suggested exactly those things to do in life (or in some cases 'not do') it was considered of no use, being repetitive, clichéd. Of course, by saying this as the leading text in my comment it might look like I am saying OP might be that, but I am not saying that. What I am going to say is - in such a case of OP exactly those things help, what many have actually listed below, and that's why they are cliched and repitive (again, because they work), and can be summed up as:
1. Physical activities as a routine
2. Going out (regularly but maybe not as a routine)
3. A physically engaging hobby that involves someone else and something tangible (besides the two mentioned above)
4. Pickup an intellectually engaging hobby (may or may not involve others)
I shall expand a bit on these (but this will mostly be a huge text wall).
By [1], I mean giving your body the physical exercise it literally "requires" (yup, for us humans it's not a choice, but many of the capable us don't do/get that). Gym is the easiest and helps a lot. Better still, pick up a sport - actually, what works best is doing the two, as one helps and accentuates the other.
If someone is looking for a short, readymade "first to try" list, here's one: gym, running, or/and a racket sport.
Very important: if you have the means and money, consider joining a coaching program to begin with. It's a game changer (no pun intended), and that includes a non-"typical gym-bro/gal" gym trainer.
The [2] is not "let's go out" kind of going out - but just physically stepping out (regularly!!) of your house or usual comfort zone spots - for walks, backpacking trips, travels, treks, camping, hiking, window shopping, attending plays, films in cinemas, puppet shows, bookstores, museums, music shows, comedy shows, get those perfect walking leather shoes for yourself and go around the stores trying to find that and be disappointed that the perfect hasn't been made yet (if you find it, then great).. and so on. You get the gist.
The [3] and [4] are somewhat similar, and I wouldn't regurgitate a lot about that. But just a few examples (you pick your own): for [3], learn to play guitar/cello/violin/drum/some shit/explore - do this under a tutor; and for [4]: pickup reading (may or may not be a reading group), world cinema (a cine club maybe), writing literature (for your diary, you don't have to plan to publish; though you can join a group for sharing if you want). Etc.
None of these is going to happen in a day. But you might not want to make these a months-long research and execution project either. Give it a few days to a few weeks. It's perfectly fine to switch, get bored, move from one to another, get frustrated, try something else, something entirely diagonal, and get disillusioned, but keep trying, keep exploring.
Saying it again, try to get trainers/guides/tutors/groups wherever needed or can. If nothing else, it helps with getting good at something in somewhat shorter time and helps you avoid unlearning a lot of basic things later, and since you are older (as in not a kid or teen), this could be a tad bit more productive, especially in sticking with it.
For me, the point of "how to be alone" is very different from "how to be lonely" (which I doubt anyone wants or hopes so, at least I don't). These engagements give you the bare minimum to sufficient human exposure without having to "socialise" and set you up to be perfectly fine being alone, at least in the short term, and slowly opening up paths for you, giving you some road to decide what turns you want to take in life over time and get back hold of things.
(From your story, it's clear I am not from your geography/culture/etc., so if something seems very weird/odd for you, please note where/why it might be coming from.)
I have been alone for quite some time in my life, for various reasons.
Here is my advice
1. Don’t listen to people telling you that there‘s something wrong with you if you aren’t happy alone and that you need therapy. You probably don‘t.
If you aren’t able to survive a single day on your own, then you have an issue, but in general people are social animals and need talking to and touching other people on a regular basis to regulate themselves emotionally. Some don’t, but you don‘t seem to be one of them. (In my experience people who honestly enjoy being alone for weeks at end often got used to this in their childhood, for example by being single children. If you had a noisy, lively house when growing up you will always miss that.)
2. That being said it is still nourishing and useful to follow the tips for spending time on your own (cooking for yourself, going into the cinema) now and then. But don‘t expect it to magically fix your yearning for social connections.
3. Doing sports and going to the gym often is great advice, because sports generally gives you a more positive mood and a better outlook and it quiets down negative thoughts. But also keep in mind here that it will not replace social interactions and touch.
4. So the question remains where you get your social interaction from, and I suggest that you replace the single person you had with a lot of tiny social interactions.
None of those is going to fix your solitude on it’s own, but the mixture will enrich your life. If you do all of those things once per week, your mood will improve:
- Online dating and chatting with friends (but don’t expect anything to come out of it)
- Dancing classes (this is especially great because you get the physical touch component)
- Regular coffee/dinner dates (1-2 per week) with a friend, coworker or relative.
- Going for a walk and talking to a random stranger
- Singing in a choir or similar hobbies
- Going to pubquizzes or free to join community walks
- Commuting to the office instead of doing home office.
5. I won‘t argue against your psychiatrist, but I find that medication is only useful in a minority of cases. Both anti depressants and anti anxiety meds can actually reduce your motivation to go out, by mellowing you into a not-great-not-terrible dreamy state.
It's tough, and I must admit the times I've lived on my own for any length of time weren't always easy. I've done it twice.
First time I realised I was spiralling a bit and looked for a form of exercise I enjoyed, which was cycling, and getting into that, doing long-ish rides every so often, it really helped my outlook, I got a little fitter and it made me feel more positive. There are also cycling groups in most places that you can join, that make it more of a social activity, some more relaxed than others. It doesn't need to be cycling, but some sort of stimulating activity is always good, even better if it can casually involve other people.
Second time, I just spiralled into drinking too much, too often, and it wasn't healthy. So, you know, I'm only so good at following my own advice.
You've already identified the cliches - 'get a hobby' being a big one, but the thing is they are clichess for a reason. If you can find something that interest you outside of the house, you'll probably naturally meet people while doing it, get some interaction and improve your mood.
You could look into volunteering things that are going on in your local community. My local community does a 'planting day' each year where volunteers plant shrubs and trees in an area undergoing regeneration. There's some light socialising, you're doing something useful, it's good for you. They do various other volunteer days throughout the year, and they aren't a big, regular commitment that way.
I love games too, but IMHO they're really good as respite from other things, not as a replacement for social interactions.
As someone who has been alone in some deeply dark places, I'll share what's worked for me - YMMV.
* You gotta force yourself out. There's no trick, you just gotta fuckin' do it. It's hard. It sucks. You've also gotta do it if only to make sure you're varying your day and creating the opportunity for chance encounters. I spent fifteen months bottled up alone and it was only through the good graces of friends that I didn't...yeah.
* Eat out more, specifically for the human interaction. Find a local restaurant with a good deal on food (like a happy hour), and head there once a week for a meal you didn't make, and to be surrounded by strangers. Even just a "Yes Sir/Ma'am" and similar pleasantries will help, weirdly enough, because it's direct human contact. If there's a trivia night, even better - Buffalo Wild Wings was my brief go-to for that sort of thing.
* You gotta learn to love yourself, somehow. If there's an aspect you don't like, set about fixing it. For me, it was weight and my soft skills, so I worked on both in the time I could with the energy I had. Being alone means if you don't like yourself, you're never going to be in good spirits.
* You're also not really alone, depending on perspective. Setup a bird feeder and just sit and watch it. Talk to the wildlife, silly as that sounds. Your pets help, but they're "at home", while the rest of the world is decidedly not "at home". You gotta get out of the home if you don't want to be alone.
* You mentioned playing games, and I'll add that's actually what kept me sane during those fifteen months of solo unemployment. I joined a multiplayer game server community, worked my way into administration, made friends, ran events. Gaming can be a form of community if it's intentional, i.e. not just joining random lobbies to kill time.
Look, as someone still single at 39 (but blessedly living with my best friends), being alone sucks ass. There's no way around that, even for someone who generally enjoys their solitude. Lacking the warmth and intimacy of another person is debilitating in a way nothing else is, at least to me, but friends do help in their own way. We cook for each other, share our days, treat one another when we're dour, and do what we can to lift others up. So maybe I'm suggesting you reach out to other friends you may have in similar boats, see if they'd like to spend more time together.
Beyond that, some life lessons I've learned since I had more folks come into my life, that I use when I'm feeling alone or lonely again:
* Go to a city at night, downtown ideally. I look around at the empty buildings, the changing lights, the abandoned sidewalks. I remind myself I'm one of eight and a half billion people, on a single planet in a vast galaxy, itself a small part of an immense universe. Weirdly enough, the smallness of being helps me feel less alone, knowing how lucky I am to be amidst all this, right now.
* After the above, I grab a burger and a milkshake, because I deserve it.
* Pop in some earbuds, go outside for a walk, and dance. Fuck the onlookers, just exist for a moment outside your home. Prove to everyone else you're still here.
* VRChat has been damn helpful. Pop on my headset, drop into an avatar that reflects me in the moment, and world hop. Nobody judges what you do in VR, provided you're not breaking instance rules, and there's so many people there to hang out with, all while staying home. It legit got me through COVID.
* Run a game night! Gathering around Jackbox from every corner of the globe for an hour or two of weekly shitposting also got us all through COVID. Just make sure to all be in voice chat or video conferencing to rib one another.
As tired and cliche as this is, the last point I'll say is that this is exactly what the prior phase of your life was: a chapter. Chapters have endings, and this one is no different. Prepare for the long haul, but hopefully you find someone - and something - better, sooner. You're not alone in being alone, but you'll remain alone only as long as you choose to be alone.
Get out there. Force social interactions. Build those muscles.
Just ended up in a very similar situation at the end of 2024. My mother and I lived together for quite a long time after my parents split in the late 90s. We were both broke as fuck, so we took care of each other through the years. Splitting rent and groceries and shit. Just scraping by. We were good friends and roommates, even if we bickered all the time. Towards the end of the 2010s her health started going downhill fast, putting me in a caretaker role, until it came to a head in 2024 and she passed on US election night.
She was in the hospital for a fall, and it just kind of spiraled. A week later she passed.
And suddenly, just like that, I was alone after 40+ years.
I have IRL friends, but they don't live close by. We meet up semi-regularly for lunch. I've been putting events on my calendar to have at least SOMETHING to attend every month. Trying to travel more. Do stuff that was impractical to do as a caretaker.
But the day to day... I'm "lucky" because I'm a coder, gamer, etc. A great deal of my day job and off time is, well, computer shit.
And it gets to me, for the first time in my life. Like, I've literally had the words "How do single people... live?" pop up into my head on numerous occasions... how do I "do a human", if you will.
Been a year so far, and I still don't know. Just taking it a day at a time. I try to fill the void with exercise, trying to get fit. Probably going to explore cooking at some point. I found a love of hiking late last year and found out I had a whole bunch of great trails nearby that I never even knew about. I try to attend protests. Hang at the library a bit. Check the local events calendar (rarely anything interesting to me, but I try). Took a firearm safety course. My big one last year was taking the train into NYC to visit the Statue of Liberty -- that was a blast. Had to teach myself how to use the subway and stuff. Local comic book conventions are another fun stop.
Stuff like that. Scattered, random stuff of interest and within means.
But I do find myself struggling to make the effort just for me, you know? Like, I want to do this stuff, but I want to do it WITH someone. I don't even mean that in a romantic sense -- just another person in general. Because if it's just "me", it's a lot tougher to justify. I have to force it. (And I do.) Luckily I can drag some folks along now and then when the stars line up. :P
(And yeah, dating sites are awful now. They were a lot of fun around the late 2010s, but now they're just the worst. Between the predatory pricing of the services, and the ever-increasingly likelihood of generated scam content, it's not worth the effort now.)
Anyway, I wish I could say things get better. I haven't hit that point yet, just over a year in. I just got 'used' to it and found a routine, but it's tough. I don't know how the natural loners do it. It's scary stuff. Especially when you're older (49 here).
Firstly, there's a difference between dealing with being alone and dealing with the emptiness of losing someone you love.
For being alone - many people will suggest you should try to get out and socialise, but imo this isn't a good coping strategy. I'd argue you need to learn how to enjoy your own company rather than be dependant on others for happiness. That's not to say you shouldn't try to get out the house and socialise from time to time, but it also shouldn't be painful for you to spend a few days by yourself.
Meditation will help with this. I used to hate being alone and would constantly try to fill my free time with social things to not feel alone, but I really enjoy being in my own company these days and never feel lonely anymore, even if there are times I want to be social. That took a lot of introspection, but I'm much better for doing it now.
Dealing with the emptiness of losing someone close is the harder bit here... I'd argue that again, you should try to embrace the pain rather than find ways to avoid or silence it.
First understand that one can replace the person you loved. Even if you find someone new, they're not the same person and will not replace your loss. This is why going on dates and trying to find someone new cannot work and if anything will only make you feel more empty and lost in most cases. You need to find ways to come to terms with your loss while not letting it control your life or overwhelm you.
I've been depressed for the vast majority of my life and I want to die almost every day, but for me it's quite manageable because I've learnt how to allow that pain be there without controlling me (more or less anyway – somedays can be hard). In my opinion medication, drugs/alcohol and other methods of silencing the pain don't work well long-term. You simply have to learn how to manage your mind.
My advice would be to go for a walk with your dog, not to avoid the emptiness you're feeling, but to embrace it. Go out specifically to experience how much it hurts going for a walk without the person you love by your side. Be really inquisitive about all of the emotions and thoughts that appear in your mind, and slowly learn how to come to terms with them.
Please don't take this as me suggesting you should come off the meds, but I do worry about you being on a cocktail of drugs to manage a natural human emotional response to loss. Keep in mind meds can also make you feel empty and unmotivated, but more importantly they're not much better than substance abuse as a means of coping with pain in my experience – prescription meds are just the socially acceptable way to do it. People will say, "yeah, but they work", and that's true of course, but it's also the problem. I can say from experience that alcohol extremely well as a way to manage emotions... But ultimately these are not good long-term strategies for dealing with emotional pain - assuming you rather not be dependant on these substances. But maybe you don't care about that, and that's fine. I have my reasons for feeling the way I do so can only speak from my own perspectives as someone who has struggled with the emotions you're feeling and nearly allowed it to kill me as a result.
Best of luck. At least being human is interesting, huh?
First things first… it’s gonna take time, to start feeling life normal again. It’s better if you already know about this beforehand. For me it was 1.5-2 years ago.
Talk to a psychologist. It’s good to be able to talk to somebody that is literally trained in helping you go through the pain of the trauma.
Go to the gym. It’s almost a meme, but trust me it works. It fucking works.
Start dieting along with the gym. Trust me, seeing yourself thinner and more tonic does help a lot.
I’m not sure what to advice about dating. I tried to date at the beginning but i quickly realised i was just trying to fill a void, and that just doesn’t work. Nowadays i managed to find my equilibrium, still single but i realised i got much more picky regarding women.
Do social stuff. For me it’s been a language course for a while (underwhelming, to be honest) and nowadays piano lessons.
Btw: stay away from the dating apps. They just don’t work, it’s an awful waste of time.
Just for some perspective, it could be a lot worse.
Some of us:
- don't have a psychiatrist
- don't have medication or healthcare
- work remotely but their client often doesn't check in for days or over a week
- when they do they always mention they are extremely busy and only have a few minutes to talk
- are working overtime for outsourcing wages to just barely scrape by
- client usually fails to read messages and barely reviews work
- when client wants something like Sesame TTS for a big presentation in less than two weeks and you give PersonaPlex as an option and manage to build a whole fine tuning studio in a week and integrate the moshi fine tuning into PersonaPlex and create a LoRA that proves it can be trained for outgoing calls and for his specific use case.. but it is overfit and sounds rough and so instead of letting you do a few more iterations of tuning parameters etc. he instead tells you to start frantically generating more calls to look for good demos, even though the system has already been up and running for months and numerous audio files have been posted and available in the UI.. this making it impossible to complete the PersonaPlex demo on time..
- then when you spend all day going through old calls looking for good ones and create a zip file and he doesn't even see the message and when you remind him and try to manage expectations for call quality, he refuses to even listen to the files because he is too busy.. leading to a fight on the phone where you say the wrong thing and he suggests he might fire you, but in an ambiguous non-committal way so you don't even know if you are fired or if you are supposed to continue to scramble to complete 250 automated calls the next morning (even though the most done in a day has been around 100) or if that is a key task for his operation (supposedly was live data) or if it is completely unnecessary
- despite all of these problems overall has been one of the better clients in recent years
- has unresolved health issues
- does not have a dog
- does not have a cat
- lives in a small apartment where that's not allowed anyway
- does not have an IRC hangout
To be honest, there are a lot of levels of misery. And although it's valid to complain when things have gone downhill, from where I'm standing it looks a little bit like whining.
Although perhaps quite unhealthy, a lot of people cope partly with "parasocial" "relationships". In other words, watching the same Youtuber or whatever whenever they come out with a new video. I believe this profoundly reduces loneliness. Although obviously it's not an actual solution.
I believe that sunlight affects mood and everything quite a lot and so going outside or taking Vitamin D3 can help.
Whenever I hop on my Quest 3 there is always someone there to do Eleven table tennis with.
I think for me, for much of my adult life I've been in a state of poor health and poor financial situation and have actually avoided attempting to socialize because I feel I have to take care of other priorities before I can present to society in any confident way. Because people can tell that you are not quite well and don't have financial security, and they don't want to be around it.
Humans are social creatures. We’re not meant to live alone. The advise suggesting we should be able to seems to me like cope. I think you’re barking up the wrong tree.
The pain of loneliness exists because it signals harm, danger to you. The US is hyper-individualistic because it serves capitalism. They want you to be alone so that you can fill that "pain point" with all manner of pleasure sold to you. I can only urge you to stop being alone by joining a run club, improv class, and saying yes to every invite. Move to a big city if you don't live in one. You must do this.
Honestly, I think meeting people at 38 is really hard. Especially if your social skills are somewhat rusty.
I think a lof of the advice is well-thinking, but it's not very good as things aren't that easy.
I believe that the easiest is to get into something geeky, but not competitive. Maybe it's 3D printing, or treasure hunting, or setting up fish tanks, or board game design, or fan fiction writing, or cosplaying, these kinds of stuff. If it can be physical, it's good. Like, bouldering is fairly geeky. It's also very hard if you're on the heavy side.
I think the geeky competitive hobbies are not good. Like chess is not great to meet people, as you'll need a lot of time to build up the skill required to even talk to someone without sounding dumb.
You need something that:
1. You can spend long periods of time doing on your own.
2. Has a strong ONLINE community (it's a lot easier to get into online stuff)
3. Allows to occasionally meet up in person.
The main thing is that geeks are nice people. They are way more welcoming than the average couple who's usually tangled in kids' education, paying the mortgage back, seeing their friends and family. And you can meet people online, which in itself is social contact that's good for you.
If I was in your shoes, my plan would be:
- try geek stuff that requires some advice. More ideas: clay sculpting, jewelry making, woodworking, and find one that I like.
- seek online communities and chat to people there. This would allow me to build up my skills, show off my stuff, get feedback, and start creating friendships. I wouldn't worry about being online too much at this stage. I think I'd try to find different coomunication channels, like IRC and discord. I don't know if things like second life are still a thing, but this used to be good too.
- Become "someone" in these communities. Like people know who you are. At some point people don't talk about the hobby, but conversation easily go more intimate.
- Meet people up when you can.
On top of meeting people, this has a great benefit: you have something to talk about to other people.
Like if you get into treasure hunting (like I did for a while), it's a great conversation starter. People think you're a bit crazy, but they love to hear that you went in the woods with your pickaxe and your shovel.
If you just want to talk about your day or receive psychological support or even answer questions like this one, LLMs are great: Opus 4.6 is currently considered the best, but also try Gemini and ChatGPT.
As for interacting with humans, if you are finding it hard, maybe you can try something that is easy because it has a structure, such as some sort of workshop where you either share in a circle or are paired with a random partner and share (ask LLMs for help in finding them).
Or even pay someone to talk to them, such as a psychotherapist or a counselor.
To get things out of the way: yes it is hard being alone. But it is also hard to be with someone and is very hard to take care of kids and family and such. And it is waaay harder to be with wrong person. There are no easy roads in life and being single is one of the easiest.
Now I’ll focus on practical advise:
- gym every day. No excuses. If you don’t know what to do or lack motivation- get a personal trainer.
- besides gym pick an active “hobby”. Cycling, rollerblading, running, skiing, surfing etc. You need self-supporting way to spend time outdoors. Again: do seek instruction.
- learn to play music. It is very healing and rewarding. Also frustrating and hard. Guess what? Take classes. Joining (community) school is great. Getting into local band is amazing. Most importantly here: you do not need to talk to these people. Same goes for drawing studio.
- professional education. Maybe you always wanted to be CPA?
- deep and challenging activities: sailing, diving, flying, mountaineering etc
- checklist reading, movie watching
- study textbooks
- systematic traveling
- volunteer
- build things with your hands and give them away
- learn to recognize your emotional state and how it changes.
My “qualifications”: I was single for ~10+10 years.
- gym every day. No excuses. If you don’t know what to do or lack motivation- get a personal trainer.
Do you people even go to the gym at all?
You need time to recover. Between 3 to 5 days is the most you can humanly do. And that's if you vary your exercises as suggested by a (good) personal trainer. Any more than that and you're just asking for overtraining syndrome. Doubly so if you're nearly 40.
Edit: after seeing the replies here the answer is obviously not. Don't take advice from internet strangers if you don't want to hurt yourselves kids.
I was wondering the same thing. It already takes a very high level of motivation and self discipline to go 3 times a week, going every day requires superhuman levels to so consistently.
This doesn't take into account that your body requires rest, and I don't know how op thinks you can combine this with an active sport like skiing, or something creative like music. You will be drained already from the gym.
>high level of motivation and self discipline to go 3 times a week.
I don't really have the time for gym but going feels so good so I can see why someone who does have the time might go 7 days a week.
People really differ, don't we?
I can only imagine what it would feel like to enjoy working out!
During my the year before my BA started and in the first year of it, I went 4 - 5 days a week, including Sauna afterwards.
Thats easy if you have no responsibility
It's not just about motivation and self discipline, but your body needs recovery days.
On your off days just go and walk on a treadmill for 30-60 minutes. Or 15 minutes. Anything to entrench the habit until it feels wrong to not go.
Going to the gym every day doesn't mean lifting weights every day , at least not at first. Once you have advanced enough you can certainly lift everyday, focusing on different muscle groups.
The principle is to be active - treadmill, rowing machine, elliptical, etc on days you're not lifting weights are perfectly reasonable expectation after a few months of adaptation period. You don't have to go to the gym of course, you can do all those activities at home with some very cheap and easy to obtain equipment like rubber bands and/or TRX, but the point I think OP was trying to make is to create opportunities for social interactions.
On days I miss workouts I feel much more groggy and tired, so working out over the years became a necessity which I don't really need to find motivation to do. If you feel bored and tired, try to couple workouts with audiobooks or podcasts, that helps to make the experience more enjoyable and even productive at times.
(I'm nearing 42, working out most of my life 5 days a week at least)
Splits and light days. Parent wasn't suggesting every day be full body max.
Do YOU go to the gym at all?
I lift four times a week. Two days a week I do intense cardio. One day a week I do something low impact like yoga or a treadmill incline walk. "Active recovery" is not a new concept.
They said go every day, not do intense workouts every day. Plenty of things you can do at a gym that don't require recovery days. Being there so much should confer some social benefits too.
My retro fitness is always crowded. I go 7 days a week. 40 minute jog. No lifting. It's nice seeing and saying hi to the same people their everyday.
gym every day is fine with good load management. You should not be thrashing yourself to the max on a daily routine.
yes, strong agree.
I'm personally happiest on two heavy lifting days with snatch, cleans and front squats, and then just lots of walking, handstands and some empty barbell work at home on other days.
I've tried to go harder, but doing heavy snatches 4x/week just exhausts me without increasing strength.
I actually like doing overtraining in bursts. Hit gym 1-2x per day for a few weeks, supersets and drop sets. I get gigantic.
But then I do a cut, and maintain, its only like 20 minutes lifting per week.
Anyway, you are basically repeating broscience. Or maybe after lifting for 14 years, I can handle it.
But also, you can do cardio everyday, that said, I only do 1 hard cardio day per week.
that's strength training. you have cardio, mobility, skill and so on available.
Martial arts usually have physical and technique days alternated, same goes for bouldering, and I imagine many other forms of exercise.
I personally go 3x for gym classes like "healthy spine", "mobility", "core" etc. and then 2-3x hard training. But I would say I am very active recently.
Do I feel better? Yes. Was it hard first 2 weeks? Yes, I had even to resort to painkillers.
I think the best for people who sit a lot are core, mobility and back exercises. Huge motivation for me when I finally started prioritizing back on machines and progressed on all other things and finally look like I go to gym :)
Going to a gym doesn't mean doing only one type of exercise, you can do yoga or cardio in the gym as a form of recovery if you mainly train for resistance for example
I go everyday but started just using Sundays for walks outside.
30min resistance and 30min "Jeffing" (called the run-walk method, run-walk-run).
Saturdays since I have more time 1:30hr resistance, 1hr-2hr cycling outside.
Eating healthy is also important, cook for yourself always. Meal prepping saves so much money.
I think time is also against me and life is moving quickly that if I don't spend everyday on body and mind its a wasted day.
One could easily take yoga or Zumba 2-3 times a week. Lift some weights 1 day a week and use the treadmill any day you aren't out walking around. No injuries on that schedule.
Every gym I see in socal is always busy. Bonus, you start to see "regulars" and have someone to say hello to.
I like to alternate yoga and traditional gym days. The yoga is still hard work but has more restorative qualities, and often complements my gym work rather well. That said, I still take one or two rest days a week. Being in your thirties comes with some physical boundaries you'd do well to respect.
https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/do-you-even-lift
I used to ride a bike for 40 minutes twice a day 5 days a week on the commute, and then ride longer most Saturdays and Sundays
A daily 40 minutes on an exercise bike, rowing machine, or treadmill doesn't seem excessive.
Yeah especially 38 approaches the barrier (or crossed, depends on genes and previous lifestyle) when body changes for the worse. Weaker, builds strength slower, regeneration takes longer, injuries come easier. Very bad and outright dangerous advice that scare away more people than actually help.
I'd say start with 2x a week, and 2 very important points - start gently since by description body isn't used to working out so it may take many weeks for it to grow connective tissue to handle new load; and start with a coach who will not push you like many love to do, but give you a gradual introduction and help avoid beginner's mistakes and injuries.
The main point is to not make every workout a hated chore that must be done, since such motivation won't last very long and subconsciousness will easily find ways to start avoiding that. Everybody I knew that subscribed to such regime from 0 and wanted to be pushed hard gave up in few months. Such a mindset is reserved further down the line, for specific types of personalities and not an universally good approach.
Once some form of affinity if not outright love for workouts and feeling/effects after forms, and routine sets in, find other sports. Don't just do gym mindlessly every day unless that's the only choice of activity... its rather sad use of all that gained potential when there are so many better, more fun & rewarding activities. Do group sports if you like them (I personally don't), and/or join groups of people doing such activities (ie hiking club must be almost everywhere, its such a basic and great thing).
Some 15 years ago I started ie organizing climbing sessions out of loneliness in similar situation as yours and amount of friends and women that entered my life in short period was non-trivial. Thats further down the line, but just a group similarly-minded people are already a massive boost. Be yourself, find your new hobbies or better passions, and this hard period will be over.
Do NOT spend most of your free time in front of screen, playing games or other rather toxic activities. They will make all negative things worse since its a very lonely hobby despite being in contact with many folks (multiplayer, singleplayer is even worse).
You can do splits or cardio.
> Don't take advice from internet strangers
Incredible irony here and exactly what I was thinking as I read your comment. Get them internet points, kid!
Great advice, but don't treat it as a checklist. If you like to go to the gym, do it. If not don't do it, leave alone every day.
Your focus should not be in improving yourself and being the best you can be. It's about getting to know yourself better.
What is it that you enjoy. And if you don't know, now's the time to find out. Maybe it's going to the gym, maybe it's finding a great breakfast place. Sitting there, having breakfast, being around other people.
Finding activities that you enjoy doing outdoors, bonus points.
You've already done the first step in asking for advice. Even though it might sound neglectible, that's a great achievement. So many people suffer from depression and have a hard time to take this first step. Congratulations!
Get out there try things, learn who you are. Maybe there's this thing that you always wanted to do places you always wanted to see. Now is the best time to do it. And if there's no such thing, you've been given a great list of things to try.
Best luck to you in this new phase of life!
> But it is also hard to be with someone and is very hard to take care of kids and family and such. And it is waaay harder to be with wrong person.
Strong disagree. It's a different kind of hard. People can handle hard. Running a marathon is hard but a million do so every year for no reason other than maybe it's hard.
The difference between taking care of kids and having a family is that it's meaningful and to most deeply satisfying. Sure there are some people that don't get any satisfaction, but I think it's fair to say that it's not the typical experience across every Western culture.
Let's stop pretending everything is morally equivalent. "I'm raising an autistic child to be a functional member of society", "oh that's nothing! I just mad Diamond II with 61% win rate over 200 games in League!"
I don't know what "being with the wrong person" means. There is no "right" or "wrong" person as the world doesn't revolve around you. If you're actually in an abusive relationship, you should get out obviously. But what's the alternative? Drifting. Emptiness. No purpose or companionship. Spending the rest of your lives with pets asking for life hacks on how to manage boredom. Video games, netflix, personal indulgence and self gratification, medication.
This is going to be weirdly controversial on this forum but is advice I would give to my children: most people should aim to do what we've been biologically evolved to do, namely find companionship and love w/ someone and raise a family. If you're an outlier and you have a shot of sending someone to Mars, sure, go all in on that, but for nearly everyone else, this is your best chance for a fulfilling meaningful life.
> > But it is also hard to be with someone and is very hard to take care of kids and family and such. And it is waaay harder to be with wrong person.
> I don't know what "being with the wrong person" means. There is no "right" or "wrong" person as the world doesn't revolve around you.
Ho boy. Listen, I was married for 6 years, separated / divorced for 5 years, and now have been married for 10 years. You have no idea what kind of hell those last few years of the first marriage were. I had no idea until I'd been separated for a year, and gotten back to some sense of normalcy. I can't even describe to you what it's like to live in a house where you're emotionally wounded continually, or to realize the best you can hope from an attempt at a "date" is "it didn't explode".
One of the problems my ex and I had getting help was that people just couldn't seem to understand how bad it was. We'd describe something, people would say, "Oh yeah, marriage is hard, it will get better." Well no; our marriage was way worse, and it never got better.
The second marriage is so different. It's the kind of hard you're talking about -- we put in effort, it pays off. We argue, then we sort things out. We're not like some movie romance, but we're fundamentally a team. Some part of it is certainly "I learned something"; but a big part of it was definitely "It wasn't all me".
ETA: And, apparently, my ex has now been married to someone else for 11 years. Again, I'm sure she learned something from the disaster of our marriage that helped her in her second one. But I can't help but think there was something more than that: something difference in personality between myself and her current husband, such that she and I couldn't work things out but the two of them can.
I don't know what "being with the wrong person" means.
Congratulations.
Seriously. Not understanding what this means almost makes the reply worthless as the proper context just isn't there.
I was in two different relationships where my partner was trying to destroy me. One literally tried to murder me.
Being alone is so much better than that, it's not even close.
Thats not what most people use about the wrong person. Thats an abusive relationship. And the comment says as much a few sentences later
Some of you people are so autistic it needs to be spelled out for you. Being with people who aren't good for you in other ways is similarly terrible. I cited one extreme example and that's the only thing you focus on.
It could be as simple as someone who isn't supportive ever.
And no, the person that tried to kill me wasn't abusive otherwise. She was just very unstable.
> most people should aim to do what we've been biologically evolved to do, namely find companionship and love w/ someone and raise a family.
You misunderstood the point. The GP isn’t saying you shouldn’t do that. They’re saying that if you find yourself in the position where you don’t have mutual love for one another, the relationship could be worse for the both of you than if you were both alone.
> I don't know what "being with the wrong person" means. There is no "right" or "wrong" person as the world doesn't revolve around you.
It’s subjective. As is love itself.
The person quotes his or her qualifications as being single for 20 years, as though that's a qualification. It was 100% about long term coping mechanisms for persistent loneliness and drifting in life. Why would you want to model that?
I agree I am not a good role model for marital advice. That is why I am not giving any. All my advice is about self-care when your only company on vacation is, for whatever reason, a cat and PlayStation controller.
You’re not wrong. But the “advice” to find someone or “get out of relationship” is never helpful. It is “find a job” kinda one if you don’t understand why.
I hope you’ll find a different way to support your kids if they ever get in a dark and lonely place.
pretty sure I've 'been' biologically evolved to impregnate as many women as possible and then die at 35 like everyone else
so yeah, your take is controversial, but not why you think
There are biological benefits for a male to stick around and being involved. I dont know but Andrew Tate style dudes don't seem particularly happy or fulfilled despite the show they pit on
Yeah, the point I was trying to make was that marriage and family isn't necessarily some kind of evolutionary imperative, and it doesn't really help the argument to pretend it is. There are plenty of benefits to it without having to invent fake scientific connections.
+1 for physical exercise. Curious though why you (or anybody else) would separate running and/or cycling from the gym? Gym gets its own (emphatic!) category and the sports are separate. Not a criticism, genuinely curious.
Being outdoors is a big differentiator for me. I find (uv) light exposure to noticeably improve my self being. Also I can’t stay productively in the gym for 3 hours, but I can easily cycle.
Same. I loathe gyms, actually. Perhaps Ive been absent for too long to have an honest loathing, I've no attraction to them though (I don't begrudge anybody who likes them or uses them though - easy to see their value).
A bicycle, on the other hand... a thing of beauty.
Gym is important to set a body routine and get it used to “flush” emotions out with sweat. Daily exercise when in vulnerable state is non-negotiable imo (but hard). Not everyone can afford to bike every day. Hence why I recommend gym first.
> Not everyone can afford to bike every day. Hence why I recommend gym first.
Err....
Are we talking about affording in time? Because from where I'm sitting once you have a bike it's free, where gyms need an ongoing subscription.
Plus if someone (like OP) works from home, getting on their bike is likely easier and lower-friction.
> Are we talking about affording in time?
Mostly weather. There are very few locations where “bike every day” is a reasonable statement. Consistency is key.
If the people in the Netherlands can do it - where it's flat, windy, and rainy most of the time - then most people in the US can also do it. If it's too hot, go in the mornings.
Does the Netherlands have huge roads where everyone travels at 50mph+ in huge pickup trucks and SUVs with high hoods and drivers looking at their phones while driving?
Because that is what the majority of Americans deal with. Not to mention a significant majority deal with colder and or hotter and more humid weather. Obviously, it can be done, but the Netherlands is not the standard for low quality bicycling environments.
That’s a matter of clothing and determination IMHO :)
But sure, I get it. Personally I can’t keep up gym habits because the boredom is just overwhelming. I find other forms of exercise easier to stick at. Each to their own.
There are many kinds of gyms and I’m sure you’d like some. But since we’re talking loneliness here I’d particularly recommend to check out (and hang for a while):
- bouldering gyms - circus - bodybuilding gyms - dancing studio - aikido/wrestling - boxing
If your idea of gym is 24Fitness, then yeah, it is very boring.
Aside from the pragmatic reasons, I think it's a good idea to separate out cardio, muscle-building, and flexibility into its own separate categories, and ensure you consistently dabble in each. Obviously there can be are overlaps, but this taxonomy ensures a good balance.
I would offer an alternative to music - painting. It’s creative from the first brush stroke and requires as much practicing as you feel like. In a lot of our lives, professional and personal, we do a lot of study and repetition. Having something where you can create without that burden can allow the imagination time to flourish.
Those are all great things to do, but I don't think OP needs to do more things, they need to do different things. The biggest thing that jumped out was that they know they need to be with people but work remote and with a huge time shift.
My top advice would be to get an in-person job, even that means less money or moving, or just pivoting to a new industry. Even better find a job where people are your business so you're not pinning everything on socializing with co-workers. The people I know who are like this do jobs where they have to meet/find customers, coordinate people and teams, do on-site projects, etc. They are energized and fulfilled by these interactions even if the job itself isn't that important to them.
Despite the comments bickering about how often to hit the gym or what types of activities overlap -- this comment is right: hit the gym.
Get a personal trainer or try signing up with a CrossFit gym or another gym that has coached classes. You need form instruction, and you need to take it slow.
For me, my mental health and physical health are tied directly to each other and this was the single best thing I did for myself in my late 30s.
gym everyday: I found great success with Pilates. It's usually me + 2-3 other people and the instructor. There's chatting during the session after you become regular. You get to have some social life while exercising. It also helps tremendously with posture, specially for someone who spends all his day in a chair.
It's still hard to do sometimes, like in stronger depressive episodes. But it's way easier than gym at least for me.
It really surprises me how entrenched the idea of “gym” is in everyone’s mind. For me Pilates studio is a gym too. Maybe this is a “transcontinental” thing?
Does "single for ~10+10 years" mean 20 years, or that you were single before you were 10 and then till age 20?
I was single for 10 years after college. Then married for 7 (very very badly). Then single for another 10. I thought I will spend the rest of my days alone. I have two kids now.
Thanks for sharing. I am somewhat in the same boat as OP so this is really helpful!
Gym feels lonely. Social sports are better! E.g. badminton
idk, seems being single rocks :) I have not time for myself at all
qualifications - confirmed ! solid :)
what does systematic travelling mean?
Visit every EU capital. Or every national park. Or every bookstore in 100km radius. Just some arbitrary traveling goal that will get you out of the house every month or two.
Were you in full time employment whilst doing all this?
Yes. Lonely people have a lot of time. It is rarely an issue. Motivation is.
OP complains about dreadful 60 hours and not about being too busy. I can relate.
My problem is something like this. I'm shy at meeting people, yet working out with someone can distract me from this free time. When I have free time I drink. The cycle is unique... I don't know how to explain it but "dreadful free time" ... that's the best i have heard yet.
I would NOT recommend dating apps, you will most likely not find a real connection there and given the circumstances it might give you anxiety you don't need. I have had a similar path and situation lately and some things that have helped me are group activities like playing sports (I play soccer), group gym activities (I attend a strength and conditioning class) and most recently Bible study (I became friends with a Christian group of my area and attend their meetings now). Developing a relationship with God has been a huge upgrade for my life which is hard to put into words, but we also need human contact, and I was praying for that for me last night and this morning before reading this. I will also pray for you to find someone with whom you can share your life forever and never be alone again. If I could only recommend one thing I would say start with exercise, preferably a group. You'd be amazed by how much it can help to cope with loneliness and how much it helps to improve mental health in general. God bless you.
The God thing is only temporary though. At some point you will seek Truth and the world will collapse on you.. Not only will you have an existential crisis, but your friend group will begin to shy away from you.
But otherwise I basically agree. I think God is great for you in the psychological short term. Machiavelli to Dostoevsky agree.
This is my personal opinion. I think it doesn't have to be a short term fix. If you are curious enough and open minded you can find a long term relationship with God that doesn't contradict verifiable truth as long as you are willing to question collectively accepted "truths". For me, Natural theology has been one of the main foundations in my path to get closer to God. Understanding that physics stumbled upon the Spirit of God (the aether / zero point energy) and decided to look away has been super important in this journey. If you look at the recent work from physicist Nassim Haramein you'll see that Creation was not an event in a remote past after which God retired to his throne (Haramein doesn't mention God, but he explains how zero point energy sustains all matter at all times). If you agree that there is a Creator entity and you approve Haramein's theory, then zero point energy is the active force by which the Creator operates, and then creation is happening everywhere, always, and the same force that created everything is actively sustaining everything, everywhere, forever.
I've read 9 years of philosophy. Its never happening.
It gets worse than you know. Not only is the doctrinal god not real... not even the Stoic thiest god more valid than agnosticism. (Epistemology)
It gets worse: There is nothing that says the words of human are more valid than looking to nature. There is 0 way to factually chose between them. (Epistemology)
It continues to get worse: Circles aren't real, they are a construct of human language. Even our knowledge of material things is subject to the same limitations. Organic molecules see the world, and different organic molecules turn this into logical thought. Then we vibrate some air particles as we explain to others. (Ontology)
Anyway, its much worse than you think. Do not read philosophy if you want to continue being happy like you are. All paths in philosophy lead to nihilism.
You will be better served investigating alternative definitions of God, such as the pantheistic god; the panentheistic god (encompassing not just the physical universe but the intellectual one as well); or simply the Aristotelian "first cause" proven (non constructively) to exist of necessity by various cosmological arguments, rooted in ex nihilo, nihil fit and rejection of infinite regress (preferring axiomatics in the Munchhausen Trilemma).
It should be noted that even the late Hitch was unable to defeat the Kalam version of the cosmological argument in debate against Dr. Craig at Biola University.
With 9 years of philosophy reading it should be trivial for you to prompt-expand this comment into its full ramifications.
I'm agnostic, not atheist.
There can be a God, but I don't see him writing any messages in the sky. I def don't think the doctrines given to us by old men are god.
(Also, I try really hard to stay away from contemporary philosophy because most people are academia, and academia is awful. I genuinely think they are subpar, but mostly because they are indoctrinated with platonic realism and that permeates/infects them.)
You should work on your reading comprehension skills. Everything you have written is a complete non sequitur.
It's useless to copy/paste words from an LLM when you barely understand what they mean, and you are fooling nobody with your self-professed "9 years" of knowledge.
Perhaps yesterday's commenters were right, and HN should just bar all new accounts from posting entirely.
You just mad that I already knew those ideas. I didn't even disagree. You know what the word agnostic means right?
Just go back to pouring my beers, please. I'll take a Labatt 50.
It gets worse: material things aren't real either.
It continues to get worse: Sensations are compounded in our experience to express semantics but the sensations themselves have no inherent semantics, so not only is knowledge arbitrary and pointing to nothing, but there's no objective truth to find, let alone the world and us not existing in any real sense.
>All paths in philosophy lead to nihilism.
Well, I'd say any serious non-delusional thinker would be a nihilist to some degree.
This statement is based on a surface level (if that) understanding of Christianity. Machiavelli and Dostoevsky aside, whose criticisms are somewhat deeper but still misguided, there are many thinkers who question the existence of God but acknowledge the benefits of a God-centered society.
> God-centered society
Need not be Christian.
I'd strongly disagree with this. Since becoming serious about my faith as a 15 year old from a non-christian background, my life and my friend group has gotten progressively better. I had an existential crisis that helped bring me to faith - basically what is the point of anything if there's nothing beyond this world of matter? I've not had one since, as I don't believe this world of matter is all there is.
Yeah... Don't read philosophy. Don't seek truth.
And if you do, you better have a new game plan for happiness and your friend group.
How about the truth that most communities are built around some kind of nonsense, and maybe you can deal with a bit of nonsense to enjoy the benefits of community?
I can't think of a way to feel more hollow like the OP describes. Not making any claims or suggestions for others just pointing out how different that would make me feel compared to the suggestion. Different strokes for different folks apparently.
I would say that the empirical data of the number of people who die with a belief in God may contradict your assumption. I'm not religious but I have many religious friends and family members.
Coming from a moderate muslim family, my life actually got a huge upgrade when I realised God doesn't exist (at least the way religions describe it).
I know what it's like growing up in a religious atmosphere. Since you've been trained to think inside the box, you realize the box is nonsense. The problem is thinking that the only valid alternative is that there is no creator and everything is just random (the opposite extreme.) Look into other philosophies like advaita vedanta, buddhism, or progressive science like another commenter mentioned about nassim haramein.
As a lifelong atheist and critic of organized religion, I congratulate you on your improved frame of mind.
> I would NOT recommend dating apps, you will most likely not find a real connection
Plenty of people found real connections on dating apps. They can be frustrating but remain a good way to meet people. That being said, different people have vastly different experience there, and it can be very frustrating and demoralizing.
I agree with the Christian group sentinment with certain caveats. They can be clique-y, but if you can find your niche, and it'll be the best time of your life. Also, most "non-denominational" groups do funnel into an ideology, mainly Pentecostal, so be aware about that.
The rabbit hole goes deep, and it will be a fulfilling journey, with all its ups and downs. I won't claim it to be your particular panacea, so I won't force it, and won't judge your response. After all "you know how judgemental christians can be!" - Moral Orel
Completely agree. I found freedom, truth, comfort in Christ. From that relationship with God stems everything we need. “I am the way, the truth, and the life,” and “the truth will set you free.”
Most of my friends have either joined religious groups or running teams. I never realized that, besides the philosophical and health components, there was also a social one to it.
So many replies about doing the religion group thing, and op saying “great psychiatrist put me on bunch of antidepressants”, obviously this is U.S. centric. And optimistic in this way. I don’t see anyone not from U.S. replying and maybe it’s irrelevant, but think about it - maybe this is the end and you just counting the days until the end and nothing is coming, you will not meet anybody.
I met my partner of 10 years on a dating app and know a lot of other couples who have as well.
You wouldn't know it though because we don't go online to say what a good experience it was.
Nice to see your experience. Finding a good church (note: very very difficult) and small group is the right answer for anybody OK with engaging with christian faith. For those who don't believe, it's harder to find a consistent community unfortunately - I wish there could be more secular equivalents of a church small group as I'd join one and would highly enjoy.
I agree 100% with this
Advising that OP believe in an imaginary friend to combat their loneliness is a hell of a take
Some advice from my experience.
- Working remotely by yourself every day sucks. Get a coworking space, shared office, work from a cafe, at least a few days a week.
- Go out. Riding a bike, hiking or even bringing your dog out three times a day keeps you stimulated and makes your body moving. Go to the mountain, go to the beach, go to rivers and parks.
- Join clubs that interest you. You like cinema? Join cinema a cinema talk, a book club, if you like a sport join a club that organise communal things. Doesn't really matter what, since nowadays there are clubs for everything.
- Take a brake from internet. After work, keep yourself busy doing things that don't involve using a screen and even try some hard blocking method to avoid using tech in public spaces.
All this things might help you finding people to connect. Your initial answer should rewritten: "How to be alone?" -> "How to meet people?". The individualistic culture created in the last few decades, exacerbated by social media create a loneliness epidemic; kids have less friend, same for adults, so many people I met told me that online dating sucks, more and more people are using brain medication for anxiety and depression. The situation is not good and individualistic thinking clearly is not working.
The real trick is not learning to be alone, but re-learning how to make friends and share parts of life with others. Humans are social animals.
100% ^
The loop seems to go like this: remote working + increasingly isolated-by-default urban cultures => social depression => not having the energy to go out => more social depression
Spending too much time on the internet exacerbates this. It seems like a cure, but is really just empty social calories. And too much news is even worse.
Being in a relationship or having kids provides built-in, daily social stimulation. I can almost guarantee that's what you're missing, even if it doesn't feel like that and/or that doesn't sound appealing.
Your skills around doing that with strangers might have also atrophied (some strangers suck, so why deal with that when you have great people at home?).
But... it is a skill that can be rebuilt!
I'd recommend making a plan for social engagement, that feels right, and sticking to it. And there are tiny steps: taking a book to a local library and reading around other people (instead of alone), starting one conversation with a stranger (no matter how short or simple), walking through a park (with dog!), etc. Anywhere there are other people.
As someone who went through something similar to OP recently, the things that saved me: (1) getting a dog, (2) giving up a remote-only job for a hybrid one, and (3) diving back into dating.*
* Bumble. Yes, it sucked. Imho, best way to approach it: only match with people you'd be interested enough to go on a date with, chat just enough to figure out if you vibe (and learn red flags to watch for), then plan an in-person date, and be honest with them about feelings after the first date.
> Working remotely by yourself every day sucks
The best thing is to have the OPTION to either work at home or at the office.
Sometimes, you need the focus. But sometimes, you need to see people.
100%. I have the option to go into the office whenever I want. I never do, but I'm glad I have the option.
If I had to choose I'd still go fully remote over having to pointless sit in an office all day, though.
> re-learning how to make friends and share parts of life with others
Too late for the OP, but you shouldn't give up on your friends just because you got married.
People remember your kindness. That’s it.
I’ve had several senior neighbours who passed away, after decades of living alone. We’ve always helped each other in one way or another and when they passed, in all cases I thought back about the last time we talked. In all cases the conversations remembered involved kindness. Either from then to us or from us to them and them being grateful. It’s what remains.
Giving kindness is most satisfying. It makes the receiver happy, but it makes you happy as well in a wat that kind of lasts. It’s an interaction that compounds on both sides. I think that’s why church groups, and mentorships, ans teaching, and advisory roles are satisfying. Teaching, giving, coaching all make life far more vibrant emotionally, and far less lonely.
Giving grows the pie, while zero sum games see it as affixed. Trying to compete in the latter will make you lonely. Trying to grow the pie in any kind of local community might make you see things differently.
I'll counter this comment with "watch who you spend your time with". I picked up that nugget from a successful (and happy) guy in North Carolina who does development and has really turned around the small town he lives in with his strategy for revitalization.
He also said to make your bed every morning, which I have done for years. Highly recommend this as it is an act of self care.
Yes, kindness is great, but so is being direct and knowing what you want for yourself. There's literally zero point being kind to someone who is going to take your energy.
If you have community, being kind is a great strategy, but if you are alone then it can be hard (and somewhat risky) to try to go include yourself in a group, especially if you are hurting. The risk is predatory behaviors from others seeing your weakness.
Be kind to others, but start with being kind to yourself.
My life experiences run counter to this. However, if other people sacrifice themselves for me, I get to be happy. Sooo keep on spreading this message.
thxxxx
I'm two years ahead of you in this journey. I got divorced after just over a decade with my partner. Social engagements to me were always ad-hoc. I suck at planning so I often found myself more alone than I'd like.
Looking back on the last two years and auditing what worked, I would say routine and lingering were the most important thing.
Trying new things is mentally draining and labor intensive, this is a fact of life for many. What worked for me was finding something I enjoyed (exercise classes) and doing it consistently multiple times a week at the same place for months. With repetition, it's very easy to make new friends. Complaining about one exercise one week turns into making comments about the music the next, and all of a sudden you're getting coffee with friends.
At the start it was very difficult, and I was very bad, but now I'm part of a community and have many close friends. Its a hour per day most days of the week. It's also a jumping off point for everything else social. It provides purpose and self-confidence. Which are prerequisites for everything else meaningful in life.
One other thought to drill deeper into regarding lingering.
I'm the type of guy that always moves with purpose. When I'm done doing something, I'm quick to leave. Looking back on my life so far, I think this has often been mistaken as antisocial.
Every event involving humans is default social. Leaving quickly precludes much of life's social whimsy.
Definitely agreed!
When I started my Ph.D. program, there was a weekly seminar that I started going to. At first, I instinctively left each week immediately after the talk was over. But I noticed that a lot of people would hang around afterwards and chat. Even though I found it a bit awkward, I started following their lead -- a habit I'm very glad I developed!
I'm much the same. It's hard to notice. Coming up having onsites with three and four and five consulting clients in a "normally busy" day (you want 'high touch?' I started before smartphones!) taught me to associate just that purposeful attitude with the satisfying knowledge that I probably wouldn't end the day running further behind when I started.
It's a good energy to bring to work or to a crisis. Everywhere else? Maybe not so much. I appreciate you mentioning it here; it can serve me also, as a reminder to work on that.
"With repetition, it's very easy to make new friends."*
*Assuming you possess the necessary social skills.
I've trained BJJ consistently for over 4 years now. I think fondly of all the people there and feel accepted, but we barely talk, and I'm unable to participate in the locker room camaraderie.
This is probably not a problem OP has, I just felt the need to complain.
I think social skills are mostly just like any other skill: you have to practice them to get better at them. And while you might be more or less naturally gifted at any skill, there is a minimum level which every abled human out there can reach with some effort. You will never be a showman,a car seller or the king of the party but you can have interactions with other human beings and connect with some of them. Just like you can learn to play guitar, juggle 3 balls or do basic algebra.
The other people probably just think of you as some stoic guy and respect you for that
Wonderful advice Geoff, that's the same kind of thing I started doing when my relationship broke down. You find your community, and the rest will come.
you hit the nail here.. repetition is key! that’s what happens at a workplace or school. You show up every day, do your thing, and have small interactions here and there. Over time, those interactions grow, and you get to know each other on a deeper level and become friends.
This can be replicated with similar activities that involve a schedule, like joining classes, volunteering, or whatever else fits that kind of setup.
Within volunteering, I think it is worth shopping around. Some organisations do not treat volunteers well, and some are great social experiences.
I would try and get something where you can see the results in front of you. I worked years ago at a soup kitchen for the elderly and felt much better for it, than working in a charity shop on a till and feeling like I was just a worker unpaid.
1. This will be tough. That doesn't mean you are doing it wrong.
2. Growth is proportional to your willingness to be uncomfortable.
3. Meds can work wonders, AND you can still be depressed. Medicine resolve biological depression. It doesn't resolve situational depression.
4. You will likely go through the stages of grief as you grieve this change. One of those stages is sadness.
Again, that's okay. You will grow so much as you find new ways to socialize and to enjoy solitude. It will be painful, but that is normal. It is part if the process.
Also again, I'm sorry to hear life took an unexpected turn. I know how hard that can be.
> You will likely go through the stages of grief as you grieve this change.
I think this is a very important observation. I've been through a divorce, and a friend made this observation to me, which I hadn't thought of, and it made a big difference.
Another plus one about grief. I went through a breakup that wasn't like the others, and it was a while before I understood I was experiencing grief (and that I actually didn't know how to navigate that).
I found a book called "Welcome To The Grief Club" by Janine Kwoh that was the right balance of humour for me. It's intended for those dealing with bereavement, and doesn't offer solutions, but I still found it useful for identifying patterns I was experiencing and understanding they were a "normal" part of grief. The brain does some weird things in grief. Only linking here in case it also helps others.
https://www.amazon.com.au/Welcome-Grief-Club-Because-Through...
This is great. Also, as somebody going through this change for the second time, I'll add that things come in waves. Sometimes grief, sometimes loneliness, sometimes regret, etc. It'll swell and seem to last for forever, but then it'll pass almost without noticing. When you're in the worst of it remember it will ease up eventually.
Whenever I feel down I try to redirect those thoughts into some new thing that I can do now. Nothing is ever 100% negative. Find those positives, dig them up and display them.
I get through by getting into every single thing I couldn't do before. Just like when I turned 18, I went to every place I could find to get carded. Even a great relationship is work and compromises are made, and it's hard to find the time to do all the things.
This weekend I dug out my trip collection I wasn't allowed to display. I pulled out old photos and hangers that didn't make sense for our blended family but now it's just what I want. I bought some used golf clubs. I rearranged the whole house to suit me (and to fill in the empty parts).
I'd bet your dog never seen either the snow or the beach, so take a whole trip just to do it. Learn to play drums. Spend hours at a bookstore. During a bad breakup some years ago, I volunteered for a campaign and went knocking on doors. Not only did I not get shot but I made some friends, too.
Revel in this phase. Because this will also pass and you'll find something else eventually (if you want to). I'm trying to be the most single I can be to really appreciate this time and learn from it.
You know, looking back at my life so far I realize.. all of my best stories were from my single days.
I could not agree more to this.
Other than that, keep trying to do stuff with your time. Check out your local library for events, go an evening course that's at least mildly interesting or honestly, whatever sparks even the tiniest interest or curiosity. There are also sites like meetup.com
If this is too hard for you right now, or even if it isn't try and find reasons to speak to your neighbors or just strangers.
See someone with cool hair at the store? Tell them! "Excuse me, I just wanted to say I think your hair is really cool", or if you see a neighbor or some random person enjoying the weather, looking at a cool car or whatever, say something about it! "woah, lovely weather", "oh, nice cars here today eh?" or whatever.
It often feels weird and awkward, but sometimes people strike up with a small convo and you'll feel connection for a little bit. I used to hate these interactions but I've learned to like them, they are very low-pressure as there isn't anything to maintain.
Good luck and take care
Before considering medication for mental health, I have to wheel out the usual old advice: sometimes it can be as simple as diet and exercise. The fundamentals really should not be overlooked when thinking about any medication for long term care.
I found out my anxiety symptoms were actually caused by my A1C being in diabetic territory (8%). High blood glucose has a direct impact on the brain and blood vessels. Random heart palpitations, breathing being off, etc. all lined up. I'm so thankful that my doctor had the experience and courage to tell me like it is and refused to believe it was anything truly serious. I brought it down to 5.5% in a few months and now have new cooking and eating habits for life. Too much alcohol can also lead to vitamin deficiencies (magnesium, potassium, zinc, etc. will need blood tests to confirm).
I kinda let myself go for a few years during the shift to remote work back in 2020. After I got back on track I even gained some muscle without weight loss and no longer have sleep apnea. Sleep quality and hydration are also important things that we forget when we are in a slump.
I concur. I am finally starting to snap out of a multi-year long depression spell myself. Now, I did not alter my diet nor exercise more. I drink the same amount as I did prior.
However, blood work showed I was deficient in Vitamin-D. So, I added some herculean dosage of fish-oil and prescription Vitamin-D to my life. After about 3 months or so, I am really starting to feel much better and I am starting to notice more productivity gains. The weather is warming up in my area too. That always helps.
> showed I was deficient in Vitamin-D
my problem, but cant fix it :-(
3 is very true and reflects a serious issue in today's society. It is easier to treat symptoms than causes sometimes.
The good news is that situational issues can be fixed but it can take time.
Those feelings of hollowness of OP could be explained as a side effect of those meds, in fact. They wouldn't be the first.
> Meds can work wonders, AND you can still be depressed. Medicine resolve biological depression. It doesn't resolve situational depression.
It's not quite that simple. You seem to be hinting at the "chemical imbalance" theory of antidepressants, which has been largely debunked. The reality is much more nuanced and complicated.
The chemical imbalance theory is wrong, but that is not a refutation of the idea of biological depression. It just means that one idea about how it works was incorrect.
> You seem to be hinting at the "chemical imbalance" theory of antidepressants, which has been largely debunked
Can you say more?
The "serotonin hypothesis" is largely unfounded. We don't actually know why SSRIs are effective for some people. It's likely more to do with increased neuroplasticity than a shortage of serotonin in the brain.
This is a good study to start with: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/35854107/
> The main areas of serotonin research provide no consistent evidence of there being an association between serotonin and depression, and no support for the hypothesis that depression is caused by lowered serotonin activity or concentrations.
Prescribing antidepressants is a shot in the dark. Doctors can't know for sure if you'll respond to them, especially because we don't even really understand how they work.
I’ve been alone since about 20. I am 26 now and have been renting a room from someone who is in a similar state as myself. We mostly do our own thing but it’s nice to have others around. Something I learned was necessary when living alone was to have connections with people. I am religious and belong to a church the social connection there was critical to my survival as an individual. I had friends who were in multiple stages of life. I would try to spend time with others multiple times a week.
On Thursday’s I would spend time with my friend who’s in his 60s. I might help him fix some shelves or his furnace or whatever in exchange for a meal with him and his wife. We would play a few rounds of pickle ball or go for a bike ride in the evening and then we would sit around and talk.
I had a few other friendships like this. One family where I would spend a lot of time. The children where in their teens and I was friends with them and the parents they treated me as a bit of a son. It was good. I have since moved to a different community and have a very social job now so it’s not as crucial that I make such deliberate efforts to spend time with others.
So my advice is this make deliberate effort to spend time with people. Find people to spend time with involve yourself in their lives. Humans are social we all need some interaction and you can be an asset to others while helping yourself.
Too much time alone will absolutely destroy your mental state. Well it did mine. I have my friends to thank for taking care of me.
I should note many people rely on family for this sort of stuff. I don’t have family close geographically.
Having spent several years unexpectedly alone after a big breakup in my mid twenties, I'd also highly recommend getting involved in a church, even if it's just to serve others in some practical way organized by the church. Most churches have plenty of need in "care" ministries like bringing meals (and conversation) to people who are homebound, or in the hospital. One cool thing our church does is organize volunteers to help with teaching English as a second language to refugees living in our community.
Do enough of these kinds of things and not only will you connect with those you serve, but also with those serving others out of love. These are good people to be connected to, especially since you'll become more like them over time.
Absolutely. I have one friend who also goes out and does stuff on his own. Not things organized by the church we attend. He volunteers at a soup kitchen every Sunday. Honestly there are so many things you can do to help others. I find this is the best way to get out of the self pity loneliness loop. Help others and make yourself a benefit to society. It gives us purpose and you gain more than you give typically.
Ask yourself "Would I like to be friend with <me>". Then invest in things you do not like. Smile. Go to gym. Be friendly with people, but not creepy. Help people. Be good family member and friend. Get yourself good clothes. Find interesting hobby. Cook. Pay whole bill when you go outside occasionally. Do it for yourself, not for others. When you become best version of self, people will start notice you more and more.
One can take Be Your Own Friend a lot farther than just this. What would you tell your friend going through what you’re experiencing right now? What would you tell your friend not to beat himself up for? To push himself harder abouT?
Yep. You are your own best friend. Sadly most people are terrible a terrible friend to themselves.
I've also seen the reverse. Some people who treat me poorly have a terrible voice in their own head where they trashtalk themselves. It's like they see it as fair to do to others as long as they're not hypocritical about it.
Do you talk to yourself the way you talk to me? If so then you need to stop both.
When I was younger I was partly guilty of this and still occasionally catch it. But we are always more sensitive to vices in others that we police in ourselves.
In meditation, some people call that voice the inner critic. It is obvious that some people have it really badly.
Usually it’s the internalized voice of an authority figure. Most often a parent or grandparent.
Sometimes. Although I never found it resembled family and it was quite bitchy in a way neither of my parents were.
I don't know if this list motivates anyone, it just makes me feel like I'm not worth being friends with and I will be forever alone, even though I do have friends.
Seriously, do you only befriend perfect people?
I don't think the point is that you have to be all of those things, or even any of them. Just that imagining what kinds of things people you'd like do is a good way to know what might enrich you also. You shouldn't be discouraged if that seems far off, but all of it can be broken up into as many pieces as you like. If it all feels too much
I don't think anyone is asking for perfect, I think they are asking for "good enough".
If I may be blunt, it sound more like you might have some self-esteem issues, or shame, or just plain immaturity.
That implies they think some people (apparently the ones who eat takeout or don't go to gym), are just not "good enough" to have friends. It's an esteem for others issue.
disagree. I've felt the same after reading the same but I believe op tries just to point out that when you're the best version of yourselves, by removing the common denominator of bad versions, you'll be noticed more and that presents an interesting way for people to present a chance themselves to hear/see you. From there you get to go and may be, may be you find yourselves with a good friend. More importantly,Ithe confidence you'll get out of this is immense and you'll feel peace spending time for yourselves instead of feeling bad about having all the time and don't have anyone to spend with.. I cant say this advice helped me 100% but atleast it helped reduce the biased stress you put on yourselves.
I'm all for trying to be the best version of yourself, but I think it's discouraging to tie it with the person's worth as a friend. Replying with "find interesting hobby" to the poster who explicitly wrote he finds it hard to find a hobby in particular reads like condemnation, as if until you don't lock in and check those boxes don't even try to socialize. Imagine you meet an interesting person, learn they don't really have any hobbies, and break off a friendship because of it - I'd find that psychopathic. Why should we foster this attitude towards ourselves?
True. I realise my reply reflected a little of " don't even try to socialize untill you've checked all these boxes and the best version" which is wrong.. I merely pointed out / defended the realism od the comment I replied to. The definition is not and never should be the "hobbies". It's just something you find interesting which brings the parity to you and the other person. not necessarily a hobby and could be of anything.. Hobby is just a common way suggested to find people and then, only then, you get a change to know whether they are interesting.
It's not that not having hobbies makes you not worth befriending, it's that having hobbies is one thing that makes people more interesting, and makes it easier to make friends.
I have seen this perspective a lot and I don't understand it at all. When I meet a stranger, I don't wonder if they exercise enough for me to befriend them. Same for their clothes-shopping habits, past some very basic threshold. Same for whether they pay for me.
A lot of this advice for how to improve yourself so that other people like you comes off so incredibly vain, neurotic, and juvenile.
I firmly disagree with this advice as well; it strikes me as the sort of advice one comes up with when sitting around one's room wondering why one doesn't have any friends. The worst part about it is that it will get you doing all these activities that take up your time but don't really solve the friend problem.
Making friends isn't trivial, but it isn't a complex thing - just ask people you sort of vaguely know to hang out sometimes. Asking people to spend time together is about 10,000,000% more effective than any other strategy.
Do you firmly disagree with all of it, or just the clothes and gym part?
I don't have any objection to suggestions like "help people" or "be [a] good friend" or even "cook" and I think they're a core part of making friends. Today I cooked dinner for two friends and just got back from driving one of them home. They've been similarly kind to me in the past. Friendships are built on foundations like this.
It's absolutely correct that you need to invite people to do stuff before you worry about whether you're helpful enough, but you also need to go from being two or more people who kinda sorta know each other to actual friends.
They reflect the traits that OP values in others; these criteria wouldn't be universal. I think the thought experiment still holds: If I met myself on the street, would I like that person? If not, why not, and how can I fix that?
I'm going to assume you no longer live near family, or are not close to them. I was severely depressed for over a year where I lived alone (across the country from my parents) without pets after a painful breakup. Getting a remote job and moving back closer to my parents/cousins/grandmother helped the most, but other things that help(ed):
* Going to restaurants with bars (like diners or sushi bars) where I could attempt to make small talk with servers
* Regularly going to the gym. Cliche, I know, but at least 3 times a week at the same times and I started becoming friendly with other regulars who had similar schedules. If you get friendly enough with someone, don't be afraid to ask if they wanna get food or beer after.
* Volunteering (cliche as well, but it helps) at the same place once a week. I volunteered for a high school bringing near-spoiled produce from local supermarkets to their horticulture club. There's loads of ways to get involved, but maybe start with your city/county's website to look for volunteer opportunities, ideally ones where you see the same people every time. This lets you build trust and community with folks who are often from different walks of life.
My situation was nowhere similar to yours or OP’s, but back when I was dealing with depression a church group I was volunteering with was one of the main factors in my recovery. I met people that really helped me change for the better and helped give me at least a temporary purpose in life.
There were some days when I didn’t want to do anything, but due to my obligations as a formal member of the group I had to show up. This really helped me since it really forced me to get out and actually do something and not doomscroll YouTube Shorts.
I don’t want to make this specific to any religion or belief system, but in my experience groups centered around a place of worship and focused on service are some of the best ways to create social bonds as an adult. There are also other men’s groups that aren’t religious that fit this: Lions Club, Rotary Club, Veterans Outposts.
I see a lot of good advice here, and I'm going to be late but approach it from a different angle.
If you've spent so much time with your spouse around, and now you're at home alone, and you're working remote, then you are going to need a lot of socialising outside of work, because remote work does not meet the same needs for seeing people in person (I've been there).
Humans are social animals, we need some interactions with others, and you are just getting way too little.
The issue is not 'how to be alone?', it's how to satisfy your social cravings with in-person interaction, once you have that at least some of the time, being alone for the rest of the time is much easier.
Yes, I very much agree. I think it is irresponsible to take antidepressants for something that is clearly an issue of "normal" life scenarios like hearthbreak and loneliness. It is normal, but also very much fixable by gradually putting yourself out there.
Just because OP takes medication after a break up, doesn't mean it's a "normal" life situation for them. They could have suffered from depression before, it's not even clear if they started only after medication. The break up could also bring up some childhood trauma, like the loss of a loved one. What seems to be a normal life situation to someone might not be a normal life situation for someone else. I agree though that if no depression is diagnosed it's a bad idea to take antidepressants.
Yes, that shrink of yours is doing you a disservice giving you meds. Not all negative emotions need to be suppressed with medication. Life has its ups and downs, and drugging yourself out of the bad states will not make the sadness go away, it will only turn you numb to it, making you less empathetic to suffering in general. Instead, what I would do is try to have as much human contact as you can, talk to anyone, with the lady from the grocery store, with the foreign african guy from the elevator. Carry that extra box for the delivery guy that seems to struggle nad is having a hard day. Just experience Life. You will see how similar we are to each other, how we suffer and smile, how we despair and hope. Try to build a network of support around you and don't forget that what people remember about you is how you make them feel. Life is not some multidimentional functions with parameters that needs to be optimized. Life just is. So live it.
Careful. Describing depression as "negative emotions" suggests you aren't familiar with the experience.
Negative emotions are the opposite of depression, just as much as positive emotions are. Depression is the lack of affect.
Whether it's a good idea to treat that with meds, or whether meds will do anything, is a whole other topic that neither of us is qualified to address.
During 2020 and 2021, I think many of us were bitterly aware that Zoom calls and online stuff was no real substitute for genuine social interaction. Better than nothing, perhaps, but there is something so much better about being around people physically. (That last bit sounds a bit creepy, but hopefully people know what I mean!)
I went through something similar after a long relationship ended. What helped me wasn’t “find a hobby” but a few small, repeatable things:
• Treat being alone as a skill you practice, not a verdict on your life – e.g. 20–30 minutes a day you choose to do something solo (walk, café, book) on purpose. Over time your brain learns “alone” can also be calm, not just panic. • Give weekends a thin structure: one out‑of‑the‑house thing, one tiny “future me” thing (10 minutes learning/building something), and the rest whatever. It stops the 60 hours from feeling like an empty void. • Have one low‑effort chat outlet (small group / one friend / Discord) just for “here’s what I cooked / fixed today” so that part of your brain doesn’t feel completely unheard.
You don’t have to learn to love being alone right now. Short‑term goal can just be “make the next few months tolerable while my system adjusts”, and that’s completely reasonable.
Thank you.
Did you ever learn to love being alone? The idea of it sounds nice.
How long did it take for you to start to feel normal again?
If I may ask, what did you personally do for each of those bullet points? I'm curious about things that concretely helped people.
Yeah, I did, but it took a while.
For me there were two phases:
First was just “not drowning”. The breakup left this constant panic humming in the background, so my bar was low: I just wanted evenings and weekends that didn’t feel like a black hole.
Concrete stuff I did for the bullets I mentioned:
• “Being alone as a skill”: I picked one small thing per day that I did on purpose alone. For a few months it was mostly walking with a podcast, sitting in a café with a book, or cooking something slightly nicer than usual and actually sitting at the table to eat it. The important part wasn’t what I did, it was telling myself “this 20–30 minutes is chosen, not forced on me”.
• “Thin weekend structure”: I made a tiny checklist for Sat/Sun: – one out‑of‑the‑house thing (even dumb stuff like going to the supermarket on foot, a movie, or a park) – one “future me will be glad” thing (30 minutes learning something, fixing a small thing at home, writing, coding) – the rest could be YouTube/doomscrolling/whatever without guilt. That alone made the weekend feel like time that moved forward instead of an empty void.
• “Low‑effort chat outlet”: I had one friend I could message stupid little updates to (“made a decent omelette”, “fixed the sink”). We didn’t have deep talks every day, but just having a place to put those small moments kept me from feeling like my life was happening in a vacuum.
At some point — for me it was maybe 6–12 months — my nervous system calmed down enough that being alone stopped feeling like a verdict and started feeling like default background. I wouldn’t say I’m a monk who loves solitude 24/7, but I do genuinely enjoy my own company now. The interesting part is that once I didn’t need other people to make the feelings stop, my relationships got a lot better too.
Everyone’s timeline is different, but if right now it just feels awful, that doesn’t mean you’re doomed. Treat it like rehab for your attention and nervous system, not a life sentence.
>• “Low‑effort chat outlet”: I had one friend I could message stupid little updates to (“made a decent omelette”, “fixed the sink”). We didn’t have deep talks every day, but just having a place to put those small moments kept me from feeling like my life was happening in a vacuum.
I ran a media-centric chatroom at one time filled with folks that would drop in and tell me about their omelettes, and then over the course of some time, wars, struggles, disease, etc they all disappeared.
This is a bit other-sided, but while I was happy to provide the environment they needed to offload silly stuff (and they, too, were struggling) I never anticipated how much I would miss the small daily comments once they were gone.
If you have that kind of connection with folks, regardless of how silly, cherish it. They will probably end up feeling similarly in the long run.
Part of what atas2390 wrote resonated with me: "being alone as a skill you practice, e.g. 20–30 minutes a day you choose ... on purpose. Over time your brain learns “alone” can also be calm, not just panic"
In fact, purposeful practicing aloneness rewires the brain so that is normal (and enjoyable again).
After divorce, I felt lonely a lot, and didn't enjoy my alone time the way I did before. I made myself go to more social events, but that did nothing to help me enjoy my alone time again. It was avoiding the thing that "scared" me.
I tried meditation (alone), guided by books, but though it helped some, it was too easy to skip, and the reward seemed low.
But then ... I found a Zen meditation school and started sitting with them weekly. It felt good to see familiar faces even if I didn't get to "know them" in the typical way. Sitting was hard at first, because I could see just how obsessively busy my mind was. But focusing on the breath, even in the beginning, slowed the mind down enough that I could see that further down, there is a person that can appreciate the goodness in just being alive ... grateful to draw the next breath ... to be in this moment, not regrets about the past or fears of the future.
I slowly started to feel more connected to myself and then, and this was a surprise, to the things around me. And as I relax into what is, instead of my desire to control what happens to me next, I found I could listen to others better and feel more connected to them. I've even started feeling I can listen to my own feelings better and be a better friend to myself.
I'm guessing any regular meditation practice could do this. I've heard friends say they got this experience from going to yoga, so there is more than one path.
There's an extra I did not expect because its a Zen Buddhism group. There are regular, brief (3-5 minute) kong-an (or koan) interviews with the teacher, with puzzles that can't be answered with Western thinking. Seems like the only answers that satisfy me (and the teacher) come from a more spiritual "gut" level. Getting there seems to poke chinks in my old foundation of western, American, achievement, doing-centered thinking.
All the above is leaving me more open to being alone or being with people. Existence can be more satisfying when you don't need to hold a yardstick to it.
Regardless of whether my input is helpful to you, I hope you find a path that works for you. I believe you can.
I found myself in a similar place a couple of years ago. My partner passed away, which is different and the same as your situation.
My advice… Run. Don’t worry about being fast. Get the Jeff Galloway run-walk-run book and just do it. You probably aren’t a running person. Cool, do it anyway.
Couple of reasons. One, it will help you with your emotional state. There’s something liberating about just focusing on your steps and your brain is able to organize and pack stuff away. Two, it will make a real difference in your physical condition, which also helps the mind.
Get established and when you’re ready make a goal to do a 5k or something. If you want to, you can go from watching TV to a 5k in 2-3 months. When you do that, usually those events are organized by a running club. Go to some of their events or practice runs, do an meetup or two. When you’re ready, you’ll find a bunch of people not unlike yourself.
You are 38, getting out of a decades long relationship, and you’re introspective enough to post this post. It doesn’t feel like it now , but when it’s time, you are a hot commodity for future partners.
Getting started is easy. Get two pairs of good socks and good running shoes. Then go.
Good luck, whatever you do!
+1 to running. If you run consistently, you'll learn to believe in your body as something that naturally improves if you train it well, and that belief will cross over to your mind and heart.
+2 for running. Running can become a nice little exercise and data collecting obsession.
I think there are a couple questions you need to ask yourself - the first is why is it hard for you to be alone? You're the one person you're stuck living with for your entire life - it shouldn't be hard to be alone with yourself. That's where it began. That's where it will end.
You mentioned you have a therapist - this is something you might wish to explore with them.
The second question is related - what are you looking for in the "not alone"? What do you want? What would bring you peace? Are you looking for a relationship? A friend? Sex? etc? While you have to be comfortable with yourself, part of that comfort is knowing and being confident in what you're looking for. It may be that the world won't or can't provide it, but that's why I put this question second.
The final point I'll make is that there's nothing stopping you. You're an adult... within the constraints of the laws of your society, you CAN do what you want and there's nothing stopping you. It may not go the way you want, but it might, and wouldn't it be fun to try?
I like being alone. I'm good at being alone. I was an only child, often left alone , and I have lived alone (although dated a lot) for 20 years. But if you put me in OPs situation, it would easily be tough. Working from home, living alone, totally lost your social circle possibly, AND sad over a recent breakup probably. Thats a prime recipe for problems even for people that do enjoy being alone for the most part.
It's not good for us to be completely alone. We are social beings, and community is part of who we are. We search for truth in relationships, politics, games, drugs, anything. We search to the end of ourselves but end up with the same emptiness and questions. The truth, wholeness, community, and love we need and seek is often in the place we're too afraid to look - the Christian church. Even if you're not religious, the community and familial elements of a good Christian church are empowering. Put any biases you might have aside and take a step in. It might just be the real thing that finally makes us whole.
The Christian church has nothing to do with truth. Sure it might offer community, but it is a community based on dogma, on faith, not truth. Why was humanity banished from the garden? For eating from the tree of knowledge. Join a Promethean cult if you can find it OP.
Weirdly enough, the Christian search for truth is what got me to agnosticism.
They told me to seek truth, it was what God wanted... Oops.
Literally read too much.
Only there would have never been an Enlightenment without Catholic rigor.
Granted, but fortunately things have improved since the middle ages.
No need to proselytize please. I think recommeding a community is not a bad idea obviously
If OP finds this compelling, please consider a Quaker church to avoid the dogmatic and political baggage.
Or perhaps a Unitarian church or Buddhist temple.
I am so conflicted with this stuff. You let old men tell you how to live your life, but it makes people so happy. People hate having freedom. Of course they are lying too, but those lies make people happy.
I'm very conflicted.
Makes sense. I've found that Christianity, at its core, is the opposite. Freedom isn't forfeited, but actually found in one simple truth. The one truth actually leads to freedom: “I am the way, the truth, and the life,” and also that “the truth will set you free.”
I think when you've realized that you don't particularly enjoy being alone - the best cure is to avoid it; and try to get more friends.
Friends are made by doing something together, regularly, over time.
I wouldn't call this "get a hobby" - I'd call it "find something to do".
My best suggestion is start doing some kind of organized training like martial arts, or some team sport. Find somewhere to volunteer: food bank, volunteer programs teaching kids to code, anything in your area that you can relate to.
I'm not suggesting that it easy or trivial - but I also believe it is the only way.
> I would blame depression, but I have a great psychiatrist who has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers.
Allow me to be blunt: you’re still suffering the symptoms of depression. I’m not a psychiatrist but you likely have what I’d think of as “situational depression” (as opposed to ingrained depression). Once you either fix the cause (loneliness) or adapt to it, the depression will lift.
I think it’s worth saying that you need to learn how to be comfortable in your own company. That’s the easy bit, the hard part is figuring out how. I don’t think there’s a trick you can do, you need to put in some work. Maybe take your dog walking to more remote places than just a dog park? I guess if you’re in America this might be more difficult but are there any green spaces within a few hours drive you can spend the weekend at?
This line stuck out to me as well, but my follow up thought was different.
I’ve had friends who have been on cocktails like these, and one of them once said something like, “I’ve been depressed before, and this is not that. I’m not depressed. I don’t have the emotional capacity to be depressed. This is more like a total emotional blank slate.”
She was basically a robot for a few months. Incapable of really any emotions, including sadness, anxiety, frustration, etc. Suffice to say, she also didn’t have the emotional drive to push her towards positive things like deciding on how to spend her weekend free time.
Thankfully she’s changed her meds and is feeling overall better (if, admittedly, at the price of some emotional stability).
There are no tricks because you're too smart to fall for your own tricks.
The one thing that works is the time buffer between your future self and now.
The real challenge is to override the sadness with new memories.
Doing all the things you listed (dog park / build sth. / books, etc) makes the time go by faster, especially if you find something you like.
Stay holed up, and the sadness keeps resonating, building its harmonics (reliving past images, what ifs).
Everyone has their own pace. Stay strong.
> fixed up the blinds or cooked pork steaks
I know how it feels. Wish you the best.
Hey, saw this while looking under new and wanted to try and help. I think the answer is to be places. Life needs randomness and interactions and that doesn't happen at home. Try to be in "3rd places" - the gym / work in a shared working space / pick up a couple of hobbies (I say a couple as just one is risky if say it's sports based an you injure yourself - something you can do outdoors, something you can do indoors). Trust that it will take time, but it will happen.
Thank you. Unfortunately I live in a suburb, and not a very walking-friendly one either, so there aren't really any third spaces to go to.
Maybe a silly question, but any suggestions on how to find hobbies?
I've tried a number of things over the years. Sailing, climbing, running, board game meet ups, drinking meetups, golf, crossfit, curling, probably some others I'm not thinking of. Just pick something and see if it sounds interesting to you and give it a go. My big advice is to avoid shelling out on gear. Rent or just get some beginner stuff. Most of these things didn't stick, but I'm a runner and a climber and oddly I've had some great platonic connections through crossfit as well.
Hey, so, I live in a city but visit my parents in the suburbs once or twice a year and at it did take some work, but there are certainly third spaces. After trying a few, I found some very comfy cafes to work out of, I prefer it since my parents can be a bit distracting. Also one cafe I really like is in a 'town center' which does also have a gym. So while you may not be in a city, see if there might be any pockets of walkability you can park at and enjoy the day on your feet.
Try out a lot of different things and see what sticks. You will hate some things and love others. Computer gaming is fun, but is more of what you are already doing, because you are on a computer alone. Meeting in person is very important.
I've surprised myself by finding that I really enjoy knitting for example. I don't fit the usual profile at all. But I tried it and enjoyed it. It may not be for you, but something else might be. Some people love hanging off rocks on ropes, and some love D&D — neither of these are my things but it gives you an idea of the range of things out there.
Maybe moving house to a denser and more walkable location is a feasible option?
Yes moving is a pita, but you can’t fix an urban landscape that is not working for you.
In my opinion if you're searching for a hobby it's best to be a bit more methodical about it. Usually the way to get into hobbies is that a friend or acquaintance pulls you into it (either by talking about the hobby energetically or directly showcasing it) and going at it from the other end isn't really easy per se in my experience.
But yeah, it's more than doable. First things first take a piece of paper (or do it digitally) and divide it into 2 halves, indoor and outdoor, then further divide those 2 halves into solo and group. At this point it doesn't make sense to take financial constraints into account, that's up to it at the end as a determining factor if you want to start a hobby from your "short list".
So after you've done the above take a week to fill the paper with stuff like "Tabletop RPGs" which goes into indoor/group, or "nature photography" which goes into outdoor/solo and I hope you get the jist. I'm sure you know where to file embroidery for example.
You can continue to add hobbies as a hobby too for a little bit, call it hobby watching and searching, it's still a pastime. Now here's another important part, you have to decide your motivation for start a hobby (not a specific hobby but a new hobby). Some people try and do hobbies because they feel they're forced to if they want to appear interesting to their peers, sometimes you just want to fill a hole or fill time so you can't stop and think about that hole. In emotionally adjusted individuals supposedly you can pick a hobby for the fun of it and that's enough. Basically do a bit of soul searching so that you can decide if you gravitate towards a outdoor hobby with a group of people (because the hobby itself doesn't matter that much but you crave connection which is completely fine and that's why some old people go to church).
I could go on but thanks for reading my TED talk and I really hope you find what you are looking for, either a hobby or something else.
EDIT: I completely forgot! You might also try finding a charity in your area or volunteer organization and volunteer your time. Maybe you need a higher calling or a mission to keep you going instead of a hobby. Food for thought. Though do be careful if you take that route because some NGOs tend to attract people who are energy vampires to say the least. Try your local library too if you have one and see if they run some programs you can participate in or help with.
Can you move to a city? This is what most people I know in this situation do. Though I had a great time getting a car and taking myself out for hikes, sauna / spa days, activities and parties in the east bay near SF. Great place for practicing being alone. I had to think about it like dating myself - where would I have taken a date for fun? Try a bunch of things and see what sticks and remember you can appreciate moments by yourself with this mindset and it's like 80% as good.
Ironically I find cities more isolating than the countryside. At least in the countryside you have the beauty of nature. In many modern cities, there is less and less social connection and community. Sometimes I suppose it is finding the right groups... And sometimes you have to take the initiative and create in person groups.
The suburbs, though, are the worst of both worlds.
Cities at least are full of a huge variety of people looking to make connections.
Depends on the suburb and HOA. Mine has groups for books, card games, mahjongg, cycling, ladies lunch, men's lunch, happy hours, pickle ball, etc... Some are in our community center, some are hosted in people's homes. There are also occasional block parties, although they tend to revolve around kids.
+1 Moving to a city.
How about the library? A lot of suburbs have libraries
First thing is going outside. Staying inside is only going to compound depression and cause days gone by to become a blur. Just doing that is a step in the right direction, bonus points if it involves moving the body.
Second, start writing. Writing can help prevent circular thoughts and force the brain to plan how to change your lifestyle and get you to a life worth living. If you don’t write, it’s very easy to repeat patterns over and over again.
Third, don’t lose hope. Having a positive outlook and a growth mindset is going to help you navigate setback and push through obstacles. It’s easy to resort to a fixed mindset, but the saints are the sinners who keep on trying as they say.
Best of luck!
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone. I read every comment, and your help has been far more than I'd hoped for.
If anyone feels like chatting (about anything, really), I'm "theshawwn" on Snapchat. If you email me (shawnpresser@gmail.com) I'll happily send you my number for texting / Signal. Any other app is fine too if you send me your info. I'll respond to everyone; I like hearing about your life, so feel free to talk about whatever you'd like, or just say hello.
You're all so kind. I grew up on HN (I think I was 19 when it first launched as Startup News) and the community never fails to amaze. Thank you for taking the time to try to help. I owe you all.
Leaning into vs. trying to kill the boredom/loneliness/emptiness is a strategy. Because this is how it is now. You will only ever get so much love from your cat.
I don't know you and all I know is what you've written here, but it seems like this new situation has unmasked your life and aspects of your personality and the truth is uncomfortable. This is who you were before as well, it's just more obvious now that you don't have the relationship you had.
How it is and who you are: these are the premises of the situation. Now given this, where do you go from here? You decide. The premises are just the start, the conclusion is something else and you're driving the car 100% now.
It sounds like you have the right idea, and this worked in my case. Find what sucks and work to make it not suck and don't expect results overnight. Persist, adapt, overcome.
I sincerely hope the best and that things improve for you.
This is going to be a difficult time.. and that's OK. Great change is upon you.
One book I cannot recommend enough is Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life by James Hollis.
Listen deeply to yourself, be kind with yourself. It's so very hard but so very very rewarding.
What was your main takeaway from that book?
Sorry that you’re going through this. I got divorced after a 10 year marriage last year. Although it was amicable, going from a house (with a dog) to living alone is pretty tough.
Other people have said the same, but strong +1 to staying active and building a routine around that.
All my friends live far away as well, but fortunately I connect with them virtually every weekend for games.
Maybe one more bit of advice.. doing things on your own feels odd at the start. But there are upsides, e.g if you go to a museum you just go at your own place, you take a vacation wherever _you_ want, etc. Initially you will have the impulse of wanting to share that moment with someone, but that also fades with time.
Plus you’ll meet someone new and build new memories together. You’ll be fine OP, but it’ll be shitty for a while.
Reading makes me feel addicted to life.
I was a decent reader as a kid, then for the longest time I couldn’t read. I got psychological help to recover my attention, and gently started reading 10 mins of something easy after waking up. Now I read at a pace of about 1.5 books per week and I can’t get enough of it. There are so my worlds that I want to explore further. Russian literature. The history of ideas. Sci-fi. 19th century France. Computer science. So many books, so little time!
Reading can generate many virtuous cycles. It requires attention, but begets attention. It can calm the mind and feel meditative. It can inspire thought and sometimes useful action. It can help you be more interesting in conversation. It can become addictive, but rarely as much as screens and won’t make you miss social opportunities.
It’s not for everyone but my theory is that if you’ve ever been immersed in two or three books at any point in your life, there’s a good chance that the potential is in you to scale it to a fulfilling habit.
I really hope you sort things out and find meaning one way or another. I’m glad that at you’re in good professional hands - that is a great first step.
Why couldn't you read and what kind of psychjological help did you get?
I literally couldn't focus for more than five minutes. I would try to start books and leave them unfinished. The help consisted in talking in some depth about why I was consuming more digital media than I really wanted. Then I layered on top some behavioral interventions like using app and website blockers. But the latter would've never worked without the former.
It's a really great habit. Here's my personal take: https://blog.gpkb.org/posts/make-reading-habit/
But like many things, you do have to do it for the right reason. If you go into it thinking it's going to "fix" you, then you won't enjoy it, you'll just be wondering how many more pages are required before you're better. I once read Hyperion because a crush has read it. I didn't enjoy a single page because all I was thinking about was her. Almost missed out on one of the greatest pieces of fiction I've ever read, as discovered with a recent re-read.
Whether it's the gym, reading, learning, socialising etc, you've got to make it about you. You need to understand that you are the one and only constant companion you have in life, whether you like it or not. Once you become comfortable with yourself and being happy alone, other companions will join, if you want them to.
If the habit's not there I would always recommend starting with readings that are immediately pleasurable, like you mention on the post. But for me increasingly challenging myself has been an important part of the process, and I never stopped believing in the benefits because I had previously experienced them.
My mom moved to a remote area after she retired, she had a partner who moved there with her, although he was much older. They always lived in a house on a lake. She retired early because she wanted to enjoy the time that he was still active and travel, which they did. 10 years later her partner died and she had health complications that made it difficult for her to travel anymore. Once this happened, she hated the area she lived in. There wasn't even a YMCA nearby that she could exercise and swim at, which she would have enjoyed. She wouldn't go for a walk because her house was on a hill that was too difficult for her to walk. She could have driven to a different area and gone on walks but she didn’t ever want to do that by herself. It took me 45 minutes to drive to where she lived and help her grocery shop and clean house, which I did twice a week. The covid pandemic forced her to move into assisted living and she died three months after moving there due to her chronic illness. I couldn't tell you if the 10 years before things got bad were worth it in comparison to the misery she suffered at the end, but moving to a remote area definitely had its disadvantages that there was no solution for when it hit.
When I was 21, I moved out of my parents house and moved from Orlando to Dallas for a girl I met on the internet. We were together for about six months and then she broke up with me. Additionally, like two weeks later I got fired from my job.
I hold no grudges my ex girlfriend for that, I was far from an amazing partner, but I was now living in a new city where I knew basically no one, with no job to get out of my apartment, with no family nearby, and no money to artificially figure out ways to entertain myself. I had never in my entire life before that felt so alone. Days simultaneously felt ridiculously long and yet time seemed to also lose all meaning and it would feel like a week would go by without me even realizing it. When a job interview would come up, it would be the highlight of my week, primarily because it was an excuse to talk to another human.
I had friends from Orlando, of course, good friends even, and I would chat with them on Skype, and I would call my parents over the weekend, but of course they all had to work during the day and so most of the day I was purely alone.
It was dreadful. It felt like all I could do was apply for jobs, play through games on a SNES emulator, and learn new programming languages to try and make myself competitive in the job market.
I eventually found a job, with coworkers that I actually really liked. There was a married couple that I think liked me but also felt kind of sorry for me, so they would invite me over to their house on weekends to play video games and watch Game of Thrones, and I am eternally grateful for them. They were friends when I really needed friends.
I never really figured out how to be alone; I eventually met my girlfriend (now wife) and I haven't really been "alone" in the same way since then.
Hi, It sounds that its not only the fact of being alone that is difficult, but that you are going through changes. You were used to a certain way of viewing life and maybe youself as part of that life, and this changed. It usually will take time to figure what do you want now. Long term there probably are no tricks to this, as there are no tricks to building a house. You just put them bricks one after another, see if they fit. But you are in control of this, and in some ways it may be exciting.
In practical terms: (a) Give yourself time to figure what you want to do now. You are in no hurry. (b) Talking to a psychologist may help a lot. If you think talking to a psychologist is wierd, know that at least most psychologists talk to a (another|) psychologist regularly. (c) Exercise is good. If you are not into it, start slow. Walking, situps in the morning, a few pushups. Do it because its something that is generally good for most people, and now you have the opportunity to build that habit. Not because its a trick or distraction. Also, you don't need a gym for this, but if you go to a gym, you'll be around other people. You wouldn't need to interact with them, but you might. (d) There are hobbies that are quite social. Theatre classes, Karate or BJJ, writing workshops or photography classes. Depends on what you're into.
Enjoy
> I have a great psychiatrist who has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers
Disclaimer: this is not medical advice, but have you considered being on less medication? I have seen a close family member become absolutely numbed from being on antidepressants, and although I have personally never been on them, I am highly skeptical that the amount of drugs the average American is being prescribed is healthy. My preferred choice of self-fixing is by quiet introspection, though I've had some useful experiences from therapy sessions as well.
I'll speak from my own experience and not one of study or professional recommendation.
No matter how much I got out and about each day and night, I'd still feel 'alone' when I was home alone. I ended up developing panic attacks out of nowhere that got pretty rough for a while. In short, I felt like I was going crazy.
The only thing that helped was going back out and finding someone else. The process sucks, especially as you get older, but all my anxiety and panic attacks disappeared.
So I guess that's to say, it's possible some people just don't handle being alone well no matter what they try, as I've found with myself. I guess it makes some sense, humans are social creatures.
I'm kind of going through the opposite. I was alone until 38, and then suddenly I wasn't alone anymore. I'm now realising that I did indeed develop an effective strategy to combat loneliness over the years.
What you need is a personal project. A lot of people make the mistake of thinking this needs to be something with significant utility, but that's a lot of pressure to put on yourself. My recommendation is to make your project as specific to your life as you want, and as dumb as you want. It could be a radio station localised only to your house, or a chat app for you and three other people, or a mechanical toy for a friend. Then find some friends or a community you can share that thing with when you're done.
Think about what it would be fun for you, specifically, to do, or to make, or to achieve, go do that thing, and then share it. This technique got me through 38 years of loneliness (mostly) unscathed, so I'm confident it can work for others too.
Hi sillysaurusx,
I've been in your place. I was 36 when I decided to separate, after 7 years of marriage/10 years of relationship with my first serious relationship ever. It was also a few months before the first COVID lockdown, so I could say I was really alone. At least physically, I had my family and some friends, but I had also recently moved to a new city. The circle of colleagues who I'd thought would become my social circle disappeared overnight due to COVID.
In the past 6 years I've made a small circle of friends who live physically close, the kind that you don't need to plan 3 weeks ahead to meet. Just pick up the phone and meet in 15 minutes. I feel that this is a fundamental block for wellbeing. I grew up with the Internet, I love it to bits, but it's no replacement for human contact.
You've also read about hobbies. In my particular case I picked up the ukulele. During lockdown I participated in an online session that happened daily. That formed a community, and although I don't go to those online sessions anymore, I made friends, and I meet them a couple of times a year, when we meet at ukulele festivals to play together. A smaller group we meet every 2 or 3 months at someone's house to play for a couple of hours and have lunch. I myself run a monthly session at a pub, where we gather a small bunch.
To this day I have not gone into dating anyone consistently. I tried a couple of times, but they weren't the right person. Although I'd like it very much to date someone, it's not really a big thing in my life.
I am, of course, living in a city where I can walk to most places. I am not sure I would be able to do this in a suburb. It's a genuine fear I have that moving away from the city, being as single as I've been in the last years, would make me become a monk, and learn the ways of distilling whisky, or transcribe bibles.
I don't have much advise from this, really. Meeting people for the sake of knowing them (rather than trying to get into another relationship), be a little vulnerable, be open to be a little inconvenienced. We really do need each other to survive out there.
I really hope things improve for you, and that you find your community <3
I separated around the same time, and at about the same age, also in a new city. It was rough. A city I never wanted to be in. I'd never find friends there.
A few years later, I have a couple friends that like you, I can just call them up or text and they're available. There are great places to meet, eat, and clubs to join.
Sorry to hear you’re having a hard time — it sounds rough. Hope things get better soon.
Not related, but one thing that’s comforted me in the past is that one’s brain physiologically responds to these changes like an addiction withdrawal — and one has to endure a cocktail of hormones and awful feelings but those will subside, with time, even if you make no changes to your life at all.
It goes without saying that some new groups to socialize with would help, but that’s a lot easier said than done :) It’s also important for you to believe — emotionally, not logically — that things will get better. This is difficult. Depression can lead to black-and-white thinking in areas that it doesn’t belong, so I feel it’s essential to combat this if it’s something you’re seeing. One thing that helps a lot is trying to have your expectations violated in a pleasant way.
Specifically — rather than tunneling on a hobby you’re interested in, I think it’s surprisingly valuable to join a group around something you think you might kinda like, but don’t like too much. (D&D would be an example for me.) Things will rarely turn out the way you expect, and I think if you go in with a lower bar for success, you leave more room for yourself to be pleasantly surprised and feeling hopeful and open.
It's not lonliness, it's solitude. Time to find yourself and your creativity again.
You were codependant and need to learn how to be independant again. Living for you, just for yourself. You've spent most of your life living for others. Now it's time for you.
Try not to drink alcohol. Focus on your physical health. Gym/tennis/saunas/running/golf any physical activities you can.
Yes.
Boredom and solitude go hand in hand and enable growth and the possibility of freedom. Independence of thinking, integrity.
Hell, even modality that depend highly on thinking on your own.
I've got too damn busy life these days and am missing the solitude so much.
But in the beginning the thought of boredom and loneliness can be a monolith.
The hollowness is from not being useful to someone. I went through your EXACT same thing. 17, graduated, moved in with my sweetheart (and her mother…), got a place of our own to rent at 23, married at 26, divorced at 36, alone entirely when my parents died 38, and 41. Now 43, the best advice I can give you is to forgive yourself, go outside, reconnect with the things that bring YOU joy (for me, that was getting back into flying) and volunteer and give back to the community around you.
You’ll find that hollowness was self-inflicted.
A dog is a great companion as well.
> reconnect with the things that bring YOU joy
This is great advice, think about something you have been wanting to do (or get back to) but could never quite put the time into.
Forgive me because I'm maybe reading in too much, but it doesn't seem like you're asking how to be alone. It sounds like you might be asking how to deal with your new situation, which must be very difficult. If that's not out of bounds, one suggestion is to try what's called "rejection therapy." That is, make it a daily goal to go out and get rejected at something. It shifts something mentally and I hope it might be helpful for you.
Brilliant. But be prepared for failure. Some days instead of the rejection you're expecting you'll be accepted instead!
Yes, that's right. You work your way up to bigger and bigger potential rejections all while realizing that maybe you're asking too little.
Two different perspectives:
1. To be alone is FAR better than to be in bad company. And the world is full of bad company. Thousands of people are craving to be alone for this reason.
2. You need to be a nice companion to yourself. If you arrive at this level, when you meet other people, you will be eager to share this amazing companion with others, instead of appearing to be begging not to "be alone".
And one piece of advice:
1. If you are a Christian, it is a great time to learn and enjoy God's company through prayer; you will never be alone again.
> To be alone is FAR better than to be in bad company. And the world is full of bad company.
I can absolutely stand by this statement after dating an avoidant. The constant push-pull drove me nuts and brought out the worst in me.
You need to lift weights seriously, like get your squat at least to bodyweight, ideally 1.5x bodyweight. Of course it's great for the body, but it has profound effects on the mind too, like you might be able to get off those meds. Studies show mental health effects from working out depend on intensity.
Fix your diet and your sleep. Meditate.
The basic concept is invest seriously in yourself and you'll like being by yourself much better.
Agree, and you will meet people at the gym. Learn to lift barbells, not machines. Powerlifters can seem intimidating from a distance but they are the same mix of people as everyone else: nerds, extroverts, introverts, men, women, gay, straight... and in my experience they are very open and friendly to those who are getting started.
If you want a guide to get started, Starting Strength is a good one. It's aimed at novices.
Also if you're in the same apartment/house and city where you were living with your partner, consider moving if you can. Get away from all the reminders of your old life that just amplify the alone feeling. Depression can be related to your situation. At least if you're in a new place, being alone can feel more normal and might act as a reset.
> Starting Strength
It's a great technical manual. But you have to be careful because a lot of personalities there and around US fitness culture are nazis and deeply unhappy.
I like to mix working out with Buddhism (eg metta meditation). They complement each other quite well.
The fact you're asking is great.
Having a similar story, I can tell you the the answer is not to try and fill that hole with someone else until you've worked out who you are, and what you really want.
You're not the person that you were when you moved out of your parents, and you need to work out what is "you" vs what was "us".
Don't rush to the next stage of your life. Live in the discomfort you are feeling and find out what quietens it. Easier said than done, I know.
Believe it or not there are those if us in Tech who crave that human connection.
Things that I've tried:
* Salsa was mentioned somewhere else, that's amazing to meet people, laugh at yourself, and learn a skill
* Walk the dog without earphones. It's amazing how dog walkers will give that knowing smile to each other. Lean into that. Say a hi, and ask about their dog. Simple, but if you're walking the same time every day you'll soon be chatting.
* Go and exist somewhere. The coffee house etc (I avoid bars, though I like a drink, as ironically lonely bar people are not the inspirational people I seek), just be there. I get that these are the 3rd places.
* Go to events (plays, theatre, cultural places). Turn up early, smile and say hi to random people. You've got an in there as you're there for a specific reason. Do a bit of research prior.
* Try a few different gyms. The vibe is different in every one. Be there longer than your workout.
* To the above, when you go places, be there early, don't rush off.
* If you can get yourself in to the tech leaders round table style dinners (8-10 people), you'll very quickly find interesting like minded individuals. You may have to commit to travel a bit to do this. Not sure how that works with the dog for you.
Things I've tried and don't work
* The random meetups. Unless they are focused on something you can all relate to (i.e. board games etc).
* Pubs / bars as above
* Professional networking events with over 20 people. That's just hustling.
If you want to just chat shit, or say hi to a human, feel free to reach out. I'm sure it would be good for both of us!
This might sound silly but I'd consider getting my dog a dog. This will not be the absolute solution but your dog will have a companion and your house will have more life.
My dog has been a beacon of hope through these last years of being alone. Highly agree. They can be a ton of work depending on the breed but there are plenty of dogs at the pound who might end up saving you in the end and not the other way around.
Loneliness is a state of mind. And sometimes when I am with people I feel the most alone. So above all else just be kind to yourself. Eat well, watch things you enjoy, do things you always dreamt of doing as a kid. That is how I stay sane at least, haha.
Not a bad idea actually. She spends each day alone, like me.
Do they have a talking button board yet?
First thing: No it is not normal thing to be alone. We humans are social animals. Once we are isolated we usually die soon, so take that seriously.
Being isolated from your tribe used to be a worse punishment than death. The greeks called that punishment ostracism. El mio Cid was the Spanish representative case.
In the US there is an epidemy of loneliness.
So, what to do? First recognise that this is a problem and do not dig deeper. Do not isolate yourself more. Do not play vdeogames, do not read books until you fix it.
My main advice is to stop thinking too much about yourself, think about others.
I was into religious(Cristian catholic) orgs and I helped old people(something I did not like), I helped poor people on the streets(liked it more) and I helped drug addicts and war refugees.
Helping drug addicts were a pain on the aßß, but once you make someone get out, he or she becomes a friend for life. It is like the friendships that are done in fighters of a war. Once you have put your life on the hands of someone else and trusted someone else so much, nothing can break that friendship.
If you think about that in a meta way, I was helping people that were marginalised, that were alone, and in the process I could not be alone. I did it in a religious group(a tribe in itself)
Thanks to this experience I can make friends very fast in a new place, something few adults know how to do.
If you are going to read, read a book called "How to influence people and make friends", but do not read the new book that is a badly revised book by the incompetent descendants of the writer, read the old original book.
But reading books is not going to help because you need action first, not reflection, and action is going to be painful for a while, and you have to endure the pain until it becomes easy. The best advise is to get out there, try hard, fail spectacularly and only then read the book.
Stop thinking about yourself, me, me and me. We are not wired to work for us alone. We are worked for working for others: Our tribe, our children, our family.
Instead of not trying to be alone, focusing on yourself (me, me and me) start thinking on helping other people that are alone. Start thinking on creating your own tribe or joining a new tribe. It can be a maker space, a group for hiking or helping or teaching kids.
I've seen people mention "How to influence people and make friends" before. I finally decided I'll read it. The PDF is available here for anyone else interested in following along :)
https://dn720004.ca.archive.org/0/items/english-collections-...
Edit: though this seems like it may not be the edition you meant? The cover says "the original is still the best", but this seems to be a revised edition.
Follow the above advice as its great :) People need each other. Volunteering, apart from being worthwhile for its own sake, is one of the best ways to meet people and put your own life in perspective. There's a ton of stuff in the world that needs doing, that capitalism leaves un-done as there's no money to be made in it. It can either be directly helping people such as providing food, resources, support for homeless, supporting people with disabilities to participate in activities, generally helping others in some sort of need. Or things like tree-planting which helps everyone. Some of, either the people you help, or fellow volunteers, or both, will become great companions. Can also be a great way to find another partner ;) Some of the most happiest most stable couples my wife and I know, met volunteering - its a good foundation for a relationship, that both people sought to go out and help others even before they met each other.
Absolutely gold advice. Find your tribe. It will make so much difference.
I remember reading once that the biggest predictor of friendship/relationships was physical proximity. And a book about a spy who built a relationship with and turned a diplomat by appearing at/around the same grocery store repeatedly, gradually building familiarity then trust.
I often think about these examples. And as much as hobbies etc are good ideas, I think one could start even simpler - walk the dog at the same time every day. Or drive to get a coffee, hang out there for 30 mins, etc. I find a change of scenery helps me too, as well as a routine, to lift the spirits, and those chance encounters will repeat.
I can relate to some of what you’re describing, though from a different angle. I’ve always been somewhat of a loner, and as I’ve gotten older I’ve grown increasingly dissatisfied with the shallowness of many modern interactions: the constant glance at the screen, that black brick glued to the hand, the strange absence of attention even when you try to do something kind for someone. It often feels like we’re all performing a kind of theater of socialization.
One thing that helped me over the years was cultivating a richer inner life and maintaining some contact with nature. Long walks, quiet time, reading, building things slowly, the kinds of activities that don’t depend on an audience. At first that kind of solitude can feel oppressive, but with time it can also become a kind of freedom.
As you get older, or at least that has been my experience, you begin to realize how precious each moment is, and how little sense it makes to spend too much of it on interactions that feel hollow. Real presence, even if rare, becomes much more valuable.
Your situation is clearly different, and the transition you’re going through sounds genuinely hard. But sometimes these chapters also open space to rediscover parts of yourself that were quiet for a long time. I wish you strength navigating this change, and I hope you eventually find a rhythm that feels meaningful again.
As someone who lived alone for years, my recommendation is to make friends. Not people on a forum. People you enjoy messaging directly. Or calling. Or texting. Or even seeing face to face.
It's not going to happen immediately. But if you aren't looking for the opportunities, they will pass you by.
I've met them playing games, doing community events, joining clubs, etc. Meetup.com is a great place to find groups you might like.
Other than that, you'll eventually toughen up and get used to it. You'll find the advantages and learn to enjoy them.
My first piece of advice after such a major break up is that you’re probably going to need to move to a different city. Focus on choosing somewhere that excites you, where you think there will be something new for you. And when you get there, advice from others applies. Need to work damn hard at meeting people. Do three big things. Maybe a social group where you just consume something, like film or books. A social group where you make something, like photography etc. And then maybe a course or similar. If you want a good social life, I’d say three different social groups is necessary. Some will shut down or end. Replace them.
First of all, don't give up. What you are going through is not what you deserve, but a transition to the next stage in your life. Just because a relationship with someone didn't work out as you had hoped for does not mean you can't have even better relationships with others in the future. Adjustment takes time, so don't be judgmental about yourself. (Unsolicited advice, I know. I am about to get separated after a 20-year relationship myself, so I may be writing this in part also to myself.)
Now may be the time to learn who you really are! Do you have any interests you never really pursued because of lack of time? Are there any things you once planned to do but never really found them important enough to prioritize against being with your SO? You may need to think back several years to discover those... How about reconnecting with friends you may not have met only infrequently during recent years? While previously your schedule might have been defined by others in your life, now you need to take active control of it.
One thing that works really well for me is social dancing. It feels like a tactile game where the goal is to have fun and express what we hear in the music through connected movements. When I get to dance with a partner who's really good, it feels almost euphoric. It can be very-very rewarding. And there is most likely a community of social dancers who you can connect to. There is a bit of a learning curve, but there are dances like Cuban salsa where it is not so steep.
Good luck!
EDIT: added one more thought
I feel you. The fear of being alone is natural, it is uneasy because you are forced to confront your true self. It takes a while to get used to the lack of the social cushioning, but you don't have to do it all alone drastically. First thing you need to address is the fear of being lonely - the root cause is lack of self dependence. Or rather, too much social dependence. You need to (slowly) learn to be comfortable with your self. You do that by not looking at it like a punishment. It is just being at peace.
Having said that, I always like to join hobby groups on meetup.com (say cycling or DIY crafts or book clubs) and get to meet new people that way. It helps. The other thing I love to do is attend conferences or tech talks. It really removes that feeling of being lonely and since you do it on your terms, you will come to a point where you realize loneliness is just a choice and you can be around people whenever you like.
Also, look into real passion projects - you can spend time working on stuff you love to do and it will offset any emptiness you feel. I love working on my car and speaker building. Some of the projects can take years and I will spend one weekend or a random weekday working on it. It really turns being alone into an advantage.
When I felt alone early in my career, I used to go to this shared office space near my house or WeWork once or twice a week and surrounded myself with people there. It helped a lot. The day you realize you can live with yourself without needing anyone around is when you will also start feeling less depressed. People come and go, you are the only one for yourself.
Hope this helps and if you ever feel like talking to someone, don't hesitate to shoot an email (in my profile). Always love to meet new people :)
You need to go through a proper grief. Cry, scream - the whole package. When the acceptance kicks in, try to find the root cause of what happen and why.
How was the relationship? Did you feel like the first 6–12 months were perfect, but then you started drifting apart and having arguments every week or two? Have you ever felt like you needed to record a conversation you had with your partner?
> great psychiatrist who has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers
Have you gone through a therapy with him?
> How was the relationship? Did you feel like the first 6–12 months were perfect, but then you started drifting apart and having arguments every week or two?
Not OP, but in a somewhat similar boat. Please don't assume they broke up. For example, my partner died.
Solid advice wrt going through grief btw.
> Have you ever felt like you needed to record a conversation you had with your partner?
Just curious what you meant by that?
In the UK, there are tax breaks for renting out your spare room https://www.gov.uk/rent-room-in-your-home/the-rent-a-room-sc...
I've done this for much of my life. It has always worked out OK. Perhaps because I've always picked a nice middle class person as my lodger. Even the mentally ill homeless person I rented my spare room to was a nice middle class mentally ill homeless person and a friend of a friend, who recovered from his reactive depression and moved on as anticipated.
If there is a university nearby, there are probably graduate students looking for a cheap place to stay while they finish writing up their PhD thesis. Since graduate students are pretty much guaranteed to be respectable, you may need to ask for less than the market rent to grab one, but you don't mention being short of money. They will have their own concerns about you, but your dog will vouch for you.
You don't mention having a spare bedroom that you could rent out, I'm just guessing that "working remote" implies living somewhere with affordable housing, and that you have extra space. If you live in a one bedroom flat, maybe sell it or rent it out entirely, and take the other side of the deal, becoming a lodger yourself.
That is not an option for me. I'm trapped by my stuff: grand piano, Boxford CUD lathe, too many maths books. I cannot vouch for that option, but it works for my lodger, so it works for some people. (I'm over sixty and he is older than me.)
I fear that my comment is a little "off" and not quite appropriate, but in my defense, it is responsive to "I sometimes panic when it's been too long since I've seen another person."
Try a few different CrossFit gyms near you; at least one is likely to have a strong social element. CrossFit is the closest thing there is to secular church, and most of the reason people go to church is for the social aspect.
CrossFit has its downsides (much ink has been spilled elsewhere), but the social element makes up for a lot.
You can easily end up doing 5-7 sessions a week there, with a consistent cohort of people that you develop relationships with.
Edit to add: CrossFit classes also add an element of structure to a daily routine that is not work related. This is really important. You don't have to plan anything for the class, other than show and and do the workout. But showing up at social event consistently has an impact all through your day.
Also there's Hyrox, newer and lighter than Crossfit.
Find an MMORPG that suits you and start playing. Preferably an older one with a mature community. There you can find real friends whom you can meet without leaving your home.
If you aren't already start working out daily and learn to make healthy meals. Not necessarily to help with loneliness, but to prevent having another problem that will only make the first worst.
If you can work from a coffee shop, if you can afford a coworking space, do it. Plus one if the new office/coffee shop is a bit far from your house.
Call your parents daily if you can.
brilliant suggestions !! To care for what you have is the best approach in my opinion.
I was in a similar situation. While I'm very much an introvert, the emptiness you mention became very strong.
I changed a few things to improve. I started riding a bike, and I joined some local casual bike riding meet-ups in the weekends. The meet-ups had a lit of new people each time as well as some frequent members, so I could usually choose between just riding along, talk to someone familiar or talk to someone new. After a bit I got some new friends this way which I met outside of the meet-up.
I picked up a couple of weekday activities. For one I went for something that interested me, but also was fairly casual and had natural dead time which allowed for talk. Bowling, darts, frisbee golf, that sort of thing. For the other I went with something that helped others. In my case they had an after-hours activity at a local school helping kids start programming.
I also played a lot of games before and after, mostly single player or just random multiplayer, but I ended up getting into a MMO and finding a guild. This became the primary place I'd hang out and talk about pork chops and broken blinds.
It wasn't a quick fix, but by working at it the emptiness faded.
A big difference was I had an office to come to with colleagues to talk to. We have a couple remote workers as well, and both of them have gotten an office space in a shared office building. This way they still get to eat lunch with someone or hang out by the coffee machine.
Best of luck and hang in there.
Hiking helped me a bunch, I suspect any combination of sunshine and exercise would have helped, but that helped me. It also helped by allowing me to be a guide of sorts for old friends I had lost touch with, who were looking to step their toes into nature.
Find a hobby, find people that do that hobby, and talk to them in the real world. Maybe don't even try to get anything else from them except conversations about that hobby.
Get used to going out alone, goto the diner, movies, concerts, the beach. Just being out around people is huge. I think the sneakiest downside of remote work is the lost of all the little human interactions you get from being out. Things smiling at someone while holding the door, or getting annoyed at someone for not walking fast enough, is huge.
We are not meant to be alone all the time, even if you hate people, its still good for you to remember why you hate them.
I guess few people get what they want, as I crave for more alone time and hate socialization.
I haven’t gone through the same transformation, but here is my recommendation: find something you truly want to build, or change, or whatever, and go for it. You are now free to do whatever you want. Trace your thoughts to your youth, to your childhood, and find something you were excited about, long before you met your sweetheart, and go for it.
I have a friend on anti depressants and she mentions the same hollowness and lack of wanting to do anything - despite having a good social life.
When I went through depression I refused meds, self medicated with weed (don't take it as medical advice) and got through the end of it.
I'd blame the meds and recommend gently weaning off them. Once you feel better rebuilding a social life is absolutely possible.
Best of luck with everything
I'd suggest you to work on your general mood - drugs can help, but nature is also wonderful.
I think I have a relatively good life, but I still have hard times. I had circa 6 months long depression streak after my child was born (I'm male).
For me the best mood fixer is a walk still. Super small commitment, great with a dog too. For a weekend the best is a longer hike. I practice yoga and train my body - great mood boosters. I've trained my body to be able to sit comfortably on the ground so I can work from anywhere - sunshine in park hellooo.
Hope you find your rhythm soon!
I haven't been in your situation, but I'm the same age and if my wife and I separated for whatever reason, I suspect I probably would be. I find being social and trying new things to be incredibly difficult. So it's something I've thought about. Personally I would not try to adapt to being alone, but rather I'd try to find & meet new people.
I would suggest trying to find in-person employment, whether that means changing to a job with a local office, or finding a co-working space to go in to. Then go in to the office every day. You can do less frequently than that, I guess, but it will just increase the time it takes for bonds to form. It turns out if you're a decent person to be around, it's almost impossible to not make social connections if you have lunch with the same people 5 days a week, 50 weeks a year. For both my wife and I, the vast majority of our friends are people we met at work, or through people we know at work. There are other ways to make friends, of course, but work is one of the faster & more reliable sources IME.
My other suggestion would be to get back into the dating pool when you feel more ready for it. It's an environment where everyone is expecting to meet new people and try things out and maybe things don't work and that's OK. I think dating is a lot different in your late 30s than it is in your early 20s, much more casual & experienced and hopefully less stressful. Even if it doesn't work out romantically, it's a way to get some practice meeting people and talking about yourself, and maybe make some new platonic friends and get out of the rut.
People suggest hobby groups and volunteering, but I dunno, I've tried that and it never really works out for me. I'm very shy and have a hard time inserting myself into an existing group. The infrequency of meetups also means it's hard to give the time for bonds to form, especially for someone fairly aloof like myself. That said I have started going to a weekly Fighting Game tournament and that might be working out. We'll see.
Just some ideas from my own ruminating on this issue. Hope you can find something that works for you.
There's already some good advice in this thread, but I want to add more.
This will indeed be very hard, but I'd urge you to take a long-term and positive forward looking approach.
It sounds to me like you don't have the best family/friends social structure to depend on. I'd focus on building that. It will take time ... and it won't happen on your schedule. The cold hard fact is that you have to put yourself out in the world in social spaces and be open and vulnerable. This is often why shared hobbies are recommended. But the hobbies aren't entirely the point. The point is that you're engaging in the real world with real people and learning to be open and vulnerable in that environment. If you embrace that (truly embrace), the friends and relationships will eventually come. But, it may take a long time. It's a long game. But its worth it.
In the short-term, you can find ways to cope. For me, I got REALLY deep into ultra-running after a bad breakup. It helped. But, it was seriously just a cope for not having the foundational social structures that everyone needs.
In summary: find healthy short/medium term coping methods, and invest in building longer-term social connections. And expect it to take some time. Give yourself grace. You're doing a hard thing. It's okay for it to be a struggle. Just keep working on it and you'll get through it. I've been through this. It gets better, I promise!
Good luck. I'm rooting for you!
This post really resonated with me - I've been there, similar age in fact, and found it challenging... however in the time since, I've learned to love and value my time alone. I don't get it too much these days, but when I do, I embrace it.
Find connections. Join a club. Take up a hobby. Make the most of your time alone - deliberate actions on weekends, like going for a swim (you'll meet people if you swim regularly), a hike (same), buy a motorbike and join a casual riding club, take up amateur radio and make nerdy friends, work in a co-working space and get to know people even if you don't work "with" them, you can still work with them.
Then there's the more unusual suggestions which can be just as much fun - and I've done many of these and found value in them! Join a local volunteer fire brigade if you have one. Take a class and learn something new. Never been artistic? Join your local community college and take a class.
Life can be hollow, and as I tell my kids, it's what you fill it with that makes it full. Just as with boredom.. sometimes its good to be bored, and sometimes its good to experience hollowness and down, because then the ups feel so much more real.
I wouldn't jump straight into a new relationship (or even try to). Learn to love yourself and live with yourself, and the right person will come when they do and not a moment before. Lean on friends and family when you need support, and be there for others when they need it too. This is great for the soul.
It's a challenge, but not an insurmountable one.
I would not just rely on situations that are explicitly seen as "dating", such as bars or dating sites.
In my experience joining an IRL group activity is what works best (volunteering, community service, church, local band/orchestra/choir, group lessons, team sports etc) - even if you don't find your future partner there, at least you can make a few IRL friends and you will feel less lonely.
Try to find places you can become a regular, it sounds like you're experiencing true grief and isolation is exacerbating it. I know how hard it can be to pull yourself out. Making myself a regular in places that suited my interests, a local bookstore where I buy all of my books and have a chat with the owner, an arcade where I go, a bar that has a night of music i'm into helped me. Just getting to the point where you can go into a space, and be acknowledged as a human being that another human being has seen and talked to before was really grounding for me. I made no friends from doing this, but it helped me feel a bit less isolated and helped make other positive changes that led to being less alone. What you do is so much less important than forcing yourself to just put yourself into a situation where you are face to face with someone else. I hope this helps
Commit to the service of others. It’s not for their benefit, it’s for yours. Be amazed how much it gets you out of your head and into a place of healing. Get involved with a food bank (be the one who packs bags full of canned goods and rice, or who loads the bags into people’s cars as they drive through). A place where the same people show up each week to do the work. I’m not Catholic but your local Catholic parish will know where this is.
Then go meta: don’t just do the work, and don’t be looking to find people to become friends with. Ask everyone around you how their day is going. How their week is going. Say you’re sorry when they tell you about the hard week they had or their sick kid or their divorce. When those people need a ride somewhere, offer to drive them.
The rest may come if and when it’s supposed to come. Start by connecting with people and connect by trying to be of service, it’s for your benefit not theirs.
Depression will make you want to be antisocial, but positive social situations are good for your mental health so sometimes you have to force yourself into it. Exercise is very good for your mental health, and I think part of your issue is working from home. Take vitamins because many people are deficient in them — B will give you energy, C better immune system and D will help with your mood and sleep. It is good that you have pets, because they are company.
I would say that hobbies are a good shout. Especially those that result in the production of something physical whether it is a knitted item, a wooden thing or whatever. Also very good to take up a musical instrument. I was put off music for decades but am finally playing something.
Online socials are no real substitute for meeting in person. I've learnt that the hard way. If you want socialisation, then consider night classes (especially spoken language since they are interactive), writing groups, and joining societies. If you are religious, consider joining a congregation (mileage may vary so shop around), if not there are atheist groups that do meetups and secular sunday services etc. If you need to, take the initiative and start up your own group. I have done this for nearly four years now and it is still working well.
Get out into nature, not just manicured parks and artificial environments.
I don’t know what caused this, but I’m sure it’s painful. You have my sympathy.
I’ve come to a belief that emotions are a result of evolution. We have evolved drives to avoid death. And since humans get sick and injured, we can avoid death if we have the help of other humans to feed and protect ourselves. Being alone risks death. And our emotions have been evolved a drive that makes loneliness feel like a life-and-death situation.
So, feeling awful when alone is natural. I know that’s little immediate comfort, but it does give direction.
If you fear physical safety, you can get a dog for protection, train in martial arts (I like boxing), and get stronger. Or fortify your house/room.
If you fear being sick or injured, you can stockpile food and medicine.
And make friends.
If you want friends to protect you, find people who do protection everyday. Help a police charity. Go to a gym and meet buff people. Make friends at a group martial arts class. These protectors are usually men. If you’re scared of a particular group of people, go meet and talk to them - you may find they are less scary than you think.
If you want friends to take care of you when you’re sick or injured, find people who do this everyday. Nurses, social workers, etc. Volunteer with churches. Volunteer with food banks or meals on wheels. These helpers are usually women.
Meeting neighbors is good for both of these categories. Have a grill night and invite neighbors. I also like the idea of going to a coworking location, because you might find people similar to yourself and that makes the easiest connections.
Best of luck, Mike
That’s too young to get married. You never learned to be alone.
Embrace the fact that this is an opportunity: The wall is now empty, you can draw anything you want!
Focus on yourself : Read books, go to gym, eat healthy/cook
To socialize : meetup or equivalent, sports with people/hike
Do not date. Do not get on apps. Do not hook up.
Minimize drinking.
Read psychology and philosophy. Do not read self improvement books.
Give yourself time, it fixes everything.
Once you are happy with the person you have become (i.e. you look back at this post and realize you are at a higher level of consciousness) you can date.
I like your post and the last line is really key.
When we are young we hear versions of this (e.g. "have to love yourself first") and despite the trite or pithy phrasings of it, it contains a truth.
We shouldn't conflate not being partnered with being alone. There is so much else socially we need to cultivate whether it is family, friends, coworkers, community, or just being in the world and talking to a stranger.
If all this feels sad or empty because of the breakup, that's ok. FEEL IT. The only way out is through. Feel it, don't numb it, try to find gratitude for the pain because it will lead you to where you need to be. The darkness and the light, etc.
And when you arrive in a place where you no longer feel you need a partner to complete you or make your day feel meaningful, is the time you are ready to have a partner again.
One shouldn't hate too much on self-improvement books. There are tons of good ones out there. Inversely, there is a lot of garbage psychology and philosophy material out there as well.
The key here should be to do research. Thoughtfully pick out what you should read to expand your mind in a positive direction.
My partner (31yo) died of cancer on Christmas day last year. Since then, it is hard, but also beautiful once you realize life is too short to be upset about things or postpone doing what makes you happy.
I reach out to people more now, and I am more direct with what I want. If someone says no, simply move on, life is too short to chase someone, the interest has to be mutual.
For socializing, going to a sports club is easiest (I go to table tennis), you combine exercising with meeting people .
And when you feel lonely, simply call someone: your parents, siblings, friends, etc... Talking just a few minutes with another human helps a lot.
I live remotely in a very isolated area and work remotely (no slack, just email). I live with my partner but she is in town for work during the day. I go to town a couple of times a month. Before COVID I had an office in town but realized I don't need it. I've lived here for about 15 years.
Initially I was lonely occasionally during the day but it went away. I'm now perfectly comfortable with no human contact except comments (like this) on the internet for very long stretches. My girlfriend went on a 3 week trip to visit family last year and I visited town twice and saw a friend once during that time and had one long phone conversation with a brother. It was a perfectly comfortable 3 weeks. I don't play video games.
I'm not recommending this way of life. It's probably more psychologically healthy to have people around and so I have to recommend trying to rebuild social connections as you can, but the point is for your situation, it gets much more comfortable as time passes. I don't want to say "it's all in your head" but something along the lines of that sentiment is kind of how it works I think. You do need something to do, a reason to get up in the morning. I garden and keep animals.
I believe very strongly in journaling as "twitter to yourself". Things you would say over messages to a partner or something can be notes to yourself instead. Especially short term desires to tell someone something can be lightened by this.
For social generally though, I would suggest very strongly that you pickup something like an MMO or a game with a community that isn't offset. Games like Path of Exile (1) or OldSchool Runescape can eat a lot of time and still give you social connections, which can help get your mind at ease from being alone. I don't suggest exclusively single player games or things like that, though.
As I said below, online gaming/interaction is probably not the best way to go. After all they are already working from home on a computer, so in a way it is more of the same i.e. sedentary without face to face interaction.
Not saying computer gaming is unenjoyable, just that they need some other things in their life.
1st paragraph is excellent advice. 2nd is terrible advice.
I was in a similar place a few years ago. I'll just list what worked for me, so it's not assuming you don't do any of this currently.
But firstly, know that things will get better over time. You need time to get through all the emotions, the new environment, the new way of life. I didn't know it at the time, but looking back at it, I wish I had this on my mind each day to just eke out any bit of positivity I could.
But the five main things I changed in my life to get me to feel better: 1. Lift weights. I didn't necessarily go to a gym, so there was no additional social aspect from this, so doing so would probably help. But I bought some gym gear and worked out at home religiously. Had a plan, tracked it on a spreadsheet, and measured and reviewed progress every two weeks. Really helped with the confidence, and there's a lot of research that shows exercise is good for mood and depression.
2. Walk everyday - ideally outside in the sun. I got up early, went for a walk so that I caught the sunrise during it. This was probably one of the biggest changes I made that improved my mood and wellbeing, that I continue to do it religiously today.
3. Learn a new skill. For me that was 3d modelling. Just having something new to do, and tracking progress, really helped with my self confidence. Though if you're not in the habit of lifting, you could combine this and [1] if you're learning to lift.
4. Changed my diet. This was a natural change from lifting. Eating whole foods, and reduced the junk (still enjoyed some pizza/fried chicken on weekends), but otherwise it was healthy foods during the week.
5. Volunteering. Sometimes at a food bank to feed the homeless, and sometimes helping a local group who was in charge of restoration of a creek which required cleaning/tree planting etc. It's amazing what doing something for others does for yourself.
Things will get better for you - no doubt!
Try Meetup.com. It's unfortunately gone downhill in many ways, but there are still people using it. Search for in-person meetups in your area and if any look interesting, sign up and go to some events.
Yep, meetup.com, eventbrite.com and for the musically inclined residentadvisor.com and dice.fm.
The trick for me was to offer to help with the organization of the event, it is more rewarding and makes for more lasting connections.
Seems like your whole social life was dependent on your partner? Which tends to happen with men and is - in my and many others eyes- not healthy for a relationship. Invest in your social life, as you would in other aspects (work/health/fin), and start building.
The start up cost is vulnerability: if you meet someone you like to be friends with you need to essentially tell them 'I like you, I want to have you as my friend, I want to spend time with you, lets' hang'. The vulnerability and awkwardness are the initial price.
This is going to be a bit dry, but I'm going to overshare too much if I won't keep it compact.
Solitude is a grace when you have deep respect / is inspired by the world, life, or something more specific, because you belong to a construct you have a model for, and thus you have an obvious list of actions and values.
It's very intimidating when you don't though, because you feel lost and can't see a clear way to gain momentum - and movement is life, as they say. There are two things that can help with that.
1. Listening the ideas of people that share a language and values with you, but don't necessarily share your vision. These are friends, most of the time. I get that you might've distanced from yours and they might've become entirely different people, but try reconnecting with them, one at a time. What mends you here is paying attention to what these people worry about - it gives you choice of things to be enthusiastic about (which then makes more friends, initiatives, impact, which are all "movement" of sorts). Try not to fall for trap of "spending time to silence the doubts and discomfort" as that's the same as doing "snooze" on an alarm. You can try to find those people on conferences, language clubs, but they're pretty much everywhere, you should just pick the context that feels least awkward to start a conversation in.
2. Change of context. There's a pretty big chance of gaining momentum while traveling, because your attention sharpens while you're in an environment that is hard to predict. You'll notice a lot of things you enjoy or hate, some of them might inspire you to study, try something new or empathize to a different way of living.
There's a bonus one - building something for someone is very fulfilling for the usual auditory of HN. There's a lot of people who'd be glad to use a helping hand, just pick a person / group you'd be ok to help and ask what can you do for them with your talents / skills. You'll be surprised how glad you'll be that you did that.
P.S. There are also thinner rationales behind what I've written, and I explained it rather mechanistically, but basically that's what helped me a lot when I suffered from an abrupt cutoff from the community that was a big part of my life.
P.P.S. I'm young, but it probably doesn't matter as much. Have a virtual hug from me ;). I think it's going to be better for you rather soon!
Hey friend, I am also 38, and I am also recently "aloned". I had a break up in August and lived with my parents until February.
At first it was strange, I was acutely feeling the loneliness. But gradually I started seeing its upsides, and I am beginning to dangerously enjoy it haha.
I am using the time and space to take care of and express myself. Live slowly, cook myself warm dinners, nice coffees; I made a cozy nook for reading, I am planning on adding fragrant flowers to my terrace.
I am planning on a routine, which includes going to the gym and actually trying and enjoy moving my body. Sometimes I have the luxury of just sitting in the park next to the gym and soak up some sun, enjoy the sounds if birds and the water fountain.
I am hybrid so I get to go to the office and see my colleagues. Somehow, luckily, every weekend some social event happened, a dear friend came to visit. It was my aunts birthday. I also have a housewarming planned in two weeks which motivates me to make the place beautiful to show off.
My advice would be, simply, to focus on the current moment. Thoughts take you awry, try not to ruminate. Have a plan, and trust the process. There are five things absolutely needed for health and happiness(not in a particular order):
1. Good food 2. Exercising 3. Sunlight 4. Sleep 5. Friends
So while you are alone, I would question the rest too, do you eat well? Do you exercise? Do you go out? Do you sleep well?
The way our mind works is whenever a state comes up, it ups the likelihood of that state to come up again. So try to summon happy states, would be difficult and feel fake at first but it really works. Gratitude is a good one. Writing or expressing it doesn't work well for me, so I like to do it when I clean, I feel grateful as I am gently scrubbing the mirror for instance for helping me fix up my appearance. Find yours.
From what you wrote it sounds like you already know what to do, but you are reluctant. Why is that? One could identify with one's depression by ruminating over it.
In closing I highly recommend the book, the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, it has a free audiobook on YouTube too.
I wish you the best of luck. Life could be whatever you want it to be and there is no true self, all is constructed and you can engineer your psyche anew.
Cheers
Thank you for the thoughtful comment. And particularly for:
> I feel grateful as I am gently scrubbing the mirror for instance for helping me fix up my appearance
If you'd like to chat, my email's in my profile. Thanks for the book recommendation too.
I can second that the Book or even better Audiobook (read by Tolle himself) The Power of Now can have profound impact on ones life. I would recommend to give it a shot.
This comment might get lost in here but in case you get to it: I come from the complete opposite side of the spectrum: I've been living alone for practically the entirety of my adult life and I'm not far off your age either. This may come across a bit like "there, solved it" advice but hear me out: During the first 6 months of COVID, I was the happiest I have ever been. Things weren't perfect but given the circumstances, I doubt it could have been much better. But at a point the complete absence of borders between work and life disappeared and it was the constant zoom meetings happening in my living room that really got to me. One evening I was scrolling around the internet and saw an ad for 3 month old puppies across town. The decision was spontaneous af but I figured that I might as well do it now that I was at home all day. 5 years later, I can say this was among the best decisions I've ever made. But a word of advice - think about it and do your own research. What I got was a dog that is definitely not for everyone. But if you are active and have the time and patience to dedicate to such a breed, trust me, you will never feel alone again.
Not liking an experience is always due to a mix of internal and external factors - the key is to disambiguate these. It's possible you don't like being alone primarily because of the feelings associated with loss. It's also possible you don't like being alone even if there was no loss. But what is the contribution of each of these to your mood? What are other factors?
You might not have this information. Changing environment is a good way to gather information because it triggers new thoughts and insights. That can be a good way to frame trying things - as a way to learn about yourself, rather than some new thing you now have to stick to. It could be useful, it could not - but nothing lost. If you go to the dog park and nothing much happens, no big deal.
In your shoes, I might be tempted to go the nearest big city without any particular plan. Just the energy of the place will have an effect. Go to busy places, quiet places, restaurants, cafes, art galleries, shops. No pressure for anything to be a certain way, or to have some big resolution. Or perhaps go the other way and go into nature.
Start small, with things that don't require any preparation or commitment. Go walk a bit, aimlessly. It's a difficult time for you and you might simply need to back off for a bit. Eat well, sleep, exercise.
Definitely avoid any social media, youtube, etc. I'd suggest to limit your screen usage to just your work-life. You do not want to compare yourself with people who are not in your position. Spending time on the internet is not fulfulling.
Once you have a healthy daily routine down (which you might have already), a lifehack is to challenge yourself to get good at something that you would never have imagined yourself doing. The idea is that you will fill your head with thoughts about how to improve, rather than thinking about other things which might be too much to process right now. This is why the "start lifting" suggestions work. You don't have to lift, but simply set some random goal. Avoid trying to achieve some big ambition that you've always had.
Once you're on this path, with time you will recalibrate. It seems you are a social person and I bet you will find other people to connect with.
From my own experience, switching from a remote job to an in-office job helped when I felt too isolated. The job market is tough (from what I've heard), so you can check if you could join a coworking space or simply go to the local library to work. I've had friends that are happy to just work together in the same space.
The point of my response is not to tell you "how to be alone", but helpful advice if you want to make changes to your life, if you are unsatisfied with it. If you are unhappy, you could fill all your time thinking about how unhappy you are. It's not helpful, though. For now, find ways to fill your time, and while you do that, I truly believe you will find your footing again.
One thing you could look into is body doubling sites like flow club. It doesn't solve the core issue but might help in a small way outside of work hours. Outside of the internet I keep hearing that Pickleball is the most social sport around! Also have you tried hanging out and working at Starbucks (or similar) after some time (weeks) in the same place it's inevitable to start making connections. Also co-working spaces can offer connections, and they usually have various club goings on on notes on the pin boards etc. One thing I do know is that it takes quite a few times / weeks of time turning up to the same place for conversation to start. Hope this is helpful in some way.
Apologies if already mentioned but the three big things I think can help are: 1. Volunteering - the need for volunteers is great but dig deep and find something that works for you. Its hard to feel down when helping others in need; 2. Join a gym and take exercise classes. Not necessarily to meet people but seeing the same folks in class leads to some familiarity but to take care of yourself; 3. Find a site you are comfortable with to improve healthy eating habits (Zoe.com is one of many). Super important to eat healthy, exercise some, and give of yourself to others in need.
Sorry to hear you are having a tough time - you are wise to share what's happening and ask for suggestions. Tells me you are already on the way back. Believe in yourself and avoid those who don't.
[edited to add] I also concur laying off dating apps at least until you have healed.
I struggled with isolation for a long time but I found that there are some hobbies that have helped me.
- join jiu jitsu (people here are so supportive, it such a solid community and it gets you crazy active)
- join a church you like (believe it or not, there are great ones out there where you can find people that care about you the way God wants to have a personal relationship. In those communities people care about whats going on in your life and it gets your caring about other people. And as a bonus, people will put together pot lucks, bbqs, outings. Gets you in planning mode)
- I started reading books again, novels. Evenings without my family being together in a house alone was rough for a long while. I stopped watching shows in the evenings now and have a much more consistent bedtime routine that involves reading an actual fun book. This has gotten me out of my head, out of my laptop, out of the screen and enjoying stories again. Highly recommend!
If you're ever struggling, feel free to reach out. I am starting a discord server for this community because this seems to come up a lot and HN comments doesn't seem to be a great place to have consistent connection. https://discord.gg/Hzu3UrthHn
The discomfort you feel is real but manageable. It's good news because you just need to be consistent in doing 1 small thing each day or each week. For me it was, I'm going to go to church and find a small group I'm interested in. Then from there I added in - I'm going to learn guitar and see an actual professional teacher to teach me so I have an in person contact with someone who cares about my progress. Then it was, I'm actually going to regularly have real phone calls with my family (my mom, my brother, etc). I have a daughter so it's much easier for me, but I also live remotely so there's that.
There are no tricks but you can manage it to an extent.
- Find activities you can do *outside*, regularly, preferably with a group. Things that worked for me: Learn japanese (group lessons only! Invite everyone for a beer afterwards), find a literature club, go swimming every other day, go cycling when bored.
- Reach out to friends and acquaintances you didn't speak to in a while. Some won't reply, others will be delighted you reached out. Most people meet their s/o through mutual acquaintances.
- Go on websites like Meetup (or whatever event board is most popular on your area) and go to every event you can manage. If you're not the type to strike conversations with random strangers then find events looking for speakers or hosts and people will come up to you themselves.
It's *very normal* to feel empty when a large part of your life is suddenly not there. I couldn't get rid of that feeling at any point when I was alone. Fill in the empty time and space, try finding someone else in a while but don't rush it—otherwise you risk yet another breakup.
I've spent years of my life absolutely alone; gone months without talking to another person. There isn't anything you'll do that will give you the emotional fulfillment of interacting with someone else.
As for living with yourself:
Find some sort of exercise you don't mind doing and make it non-optional. The goal isn't to go all out, just get your heart rate up for half an hour. You won't want to do it sometimes but you still have to go. You can do a crappy job at it and slack off for a day or two but you have to go out. For me this is riding a bike.
Otherwise it's good to be absorbed in something. It's not the same feeling but there is intrinsic satisfaction in learning / building / experiencing things.
Couple of things that helped me in similar situations:
- volunteer: find a place you can help others, go cook for the homeless, work with other volunteers, not only are you doing good and meeting new people, you also appreciate what you have more
- think about what made you happy when you were younger, connect with your younger self, explore the dreams you never had a chance to fulfill
- go to therapy: this will help you better understand your feelings, a professional who is there to listen to you, help you get out of loops you are stuck in, normalize your thinking about life. Hinghly recommended!
- do sports: this will help you stay fit and have little successes, you can feel good about.
The world is wonderful, try to explore it and be patient with yourself. Trust the process, improve yourself, be kind and look at this period as a test that will shape your future self. It’s hard now but better days are coming if you put in the work. Good luck!
One thing I do is make friends with people who have dogs that get along with my dog on walks. We've seen movies, gotten food out together, etc. Or just intentionally walk around the same time to chat.
Also, hobbies. Try to find something you can be interested in that has meetups.
Could be sports, cars, books, quilting, chess. I've heard of photography groups that do photo walks or group editing hangouts at coffee shops.
On the other hand, it's also ok to be on your own sometimes. I love catching a movie at a theater on my own. Sometimes I'll go to the park without my dog just so I can relax at a bench or have a nice walk at my own pace.
Hiya,
I'm 39 and divorced 3 years ago.
For me, my saviour was my 'third place'. I have frequented a spot since I was 18 where I can basically go any evening and there will be friends I know that I can chat with any time I need it. It makes not having a partner so, so much better.
And I also missed talking about the random small things in my day that no one except my partner really cares about. I deal with it by partly suppresing it, but I've also just decided that occasionally whomever comes into my path, be that a coworker or a friend or a family member will have to deal with it :). (Making sure I don't overload specific people to much). But the coworker right next to me at work definitely gets more little details from my private life than he would if I had a partner, and he happily deals with it :).
What's your third place, if you don't mind telling?
I'm not the parent comment, but their username suggests they're in The Netherlands or Flemish Belgium.
Small bars and cafes around the corner are _very_ common here. Even the smallest villages have at least one or two local watering holes. It's incredibly easy to sit down at the bar, strike up a small conversation with the bartender, and have a beer or two. You make friends in no time. Most of them shallow, but a few of them turn out to be lifelong "true" friends.
For instance, I just drove a friend of mine and his sister-in-law to Schiphol Airport this morning, because I had a meeting in Amsterdam today so I had to drive out there anyway (we're on the other side of the country). I've known this man for the better part of ten years. Met him at my local bar, or "stamkroeg" as we call it.
Try out something like Timeleft (https://timeleft.com/). It's in most major cities now, and it will set you up with a dinner reservation for you and 5 strangers who are also looking to make friends.
I had a tough breakup a couple years ago and I know it would have been way tougher if I hadn't discovered Timeleft.
Even if you have enough friends already, you're at the age where it's probably difficult to get together regularly.
It's also good if you travel alone and want a night out in a city where you don't know anyone.
As someone who is ok, sometimes even great, with being extended periods of time alone, I would say just look for opportunities to be in places with other people. Just tell yourself, why not go do X and if you don't find a good reason just go. Even if it feels a bit like a burden just go. If then you find its not interesting or not comfortable you can always turn around an go home. Great interactions with other people are not planed. They just happen randomly when you least expect, but you certantly must leave your home. Also consistency is important if you find contexts you're comfortable with start hanging out regularly... Time is a very important ingredient for building any sort or relation with another human.
Where is your time being spent? I.e., when you aren't feeling motivated to do X, you must be doing Y instead, right?
Y might be working more than you are expected. Y could be sleeping more than needed for a healthy night's sleep. Y could be browsing Reddit, Instagram, or other sites. Y could be playing the same maps over and over in a game. It's probably a combination of several things that only you know the answer to.
Are you happy with Y? Answer both questions honestly and thoroughly, and I think you will be on the first step to solving your original question. If, by chance, you aren't happy with Y, then consider reading and adapting a methodology for change like those presented in the books Tiny Habits or Atomic Habits.
Only one passing mention of martial arts so far? Consider Brazilian jiu-jitsu, which is certainly not safe but is very grounding. After spending all your waking hours at a computer, grappling presses your soul back into your body. It's a very different kind of socialising, mutually-exhausted extremely-physical and in my experience very wholesome, even if the injury risk is higher than nearly every other hobby. (And you guarantee getting every airborne infection. I got two serious colds and the bona-fide flu this winter; still worth it.)
Or try the other side of the spectrum and pick up tai chi. I started practicing almost 15 years ago (grudgingly) and it's surprisingly great!
Happy to help find a place that fits. In my experience, martial arts schools are very much a vibe-compatibility thing.
> Consider Brazilian jiu-jitsu, which is certainly not safe but is very grounding
What :D? I would say BJJ is an exceptionally safe martial art in that you can spar at 90-95% and not get hurt at all. Muay Thai or boxing sparring gives you regular bruises in comparison. At least that’s my experience.
Sure, for a martial art it's pretty safe - still in a different league from (say) bouldering or lifting, though!
And in solo sports, you can almost completely set your own safety budget, whereas in martial arts there's a large irreducible lump of danger from "the other person lacks the control to do something safely". The only other person I know in person who does BJJ who I didn't meet at BJJ is a brown belt, and just got a four-month leg injury during a routine rolling session; I myself am only just over a five-month chest injury that was probably from someone very heavy simply throwing himself down on top of me when I didn't react in time (obviously he shouldn't have done that, but I can't control what other people do).
Also how on earth are you managing not to get bruises at BJJ?! My legs are covered in them after pretty much every session just from sustained pressure.
Wow okay. Maybe my club is “gentle”, I’ve never had a single injury from BJJ.
I’ve had some from lifting weights.
I see your point about solo sports.
> Also how on earth are you managing not to get bruises at BJJ
Oh I get “finger marks” on the arms for sure, but never got a black eye or a nosebleed from BJJ. I got that quite regularly from boxing and muay thai/MMA training.
Fair enough, I got three black eyes within my first three months! The injury situation definitely gets better as you improve and when you train with more skilled people.
I think rock-climbing fills a similar void for me. It's social, physical, and mental, and has a progression to it where I feel like I've gained something after every session. Plus you can take your skills outside and enjoy nature and travel with friends
There are so many useful snippets of good advice on this thread.
I'd like to mention sport again, but with an addition: find a sports coach you can afford. This changes sport from being a destination to a path, and you'll avoid injuries - which is something you'll need to be careful about as your grow older. Im in my mid 40s, for context.
I would practice allowing yourself to be uncomfortable in places where you are physically with other people.
simple examples are like when you are in line for something and waiting right next to someone in line for the same thing. chat them up, you have a lot in common right then. it's uncomfortable, but you have nothing to lose once you are no longer queued
or on your street, when you see someone else getting in or out of there car for the 20 seconds it takes. say something awkward to them. it's uncomfortable, but the next time won't be as much
start simple! there are opportunities to practice this in little ways every day!
I saw this a couple of years ago and felt that it might help you https://youtu.be/k7X7sZzSXYs?si=d1ibZfR9uKbuXpCd. Best of luck OP.
> no one on HN cares whether I fixed up the blinds or cooked pork steaks
lies
where do you post your home DIY and grill updates?
Hahaha - thank you for making me laugh AND for being supportive all in the same breath
There are a lot of great comments here and I want to echo so many of them and not duplicate them.
There is one thing I'd like to add:
Learning to be happy while alone takes practice - lots of it. It's not easy, but it does get easier.
Learning to enjoy being along was one of the most important moments in my life, and it changed a lot of how I see the world now. I feel like this is up there with learning self-care that works for you - equally important and yet different.
> I work remote, and that's currently my main way to gratify social cravings. But it's not a consistent way, since the time zone difference is quite large (I'm -7 hours vs them).
Go back to working together with people, face to face, if that's something you maybe miss. Everyone works in different ways, some people need to spend their long days while working at least together with other people, and that's ok.
Go to a cooking lesson, a dancing lesson, a climbing lesson, a music lesson or a whateverthefuck lesson. That’s like a dummy’s way to socialize and find some people to hung around.
Lots of (good) practical advises for the day to day in this thread, but no mentions of Katabasis. Here's my take on the emotional side:
Stop the medication. Ride the way down and then back up. Cry your heart out, feel that pain, don't hide from it. It's a process, and has even a greek name:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Katabasis
You are on your journey into the underworld and darkness. Face it and you'll come out stronger on the other side. Humans have endured much harder times. You are more resilient than you think.
Your days will start to improve little by little. Little glimmers of light here and there until you start leaving the bad times behind
I went through a separation 5 years ago after 12y together, no meds, just counseling. Not sure if your case is separation or death, cause I haven't gone through the latter
I personally found my community at church. It is a physical activity/community that meets every week. While i haven't been completely alone I have had feelings of loneliness I think loneliness and meaningless go together. So when you find meaning in certain parts of your life it can help but actual human contact (friends or family, or community) is an aspect that we cant do without. Go to the latin mass :) if you want to experience something new
Was in similar situation. For me, what worked was filling up my time with productive fulfilling hobbies/tasks. This kept my mind off the drastic change. Think of all the things that you wanted to, but didn't get to do because you didn't have time in your previous routine.
What worked for me was going to the gym during the weekday nights, then I picked up volunteering at a museum that I love on the weekends. Also spending a lot more time on a side project that got put on the backburner when my relationship was taking up a large amount of my time. Find what works for you.
While I understand you have a professional helping you.. I really recommend the book 'Feeling Good' by Dr. Burns. The exercises in it, and the explanation of false labeling we do that causes us problems, are very helpful IMO. I once ruminated over a 4 year relationship, tons of details about it, probably for a year straight. I did one of the exercises ('... and if that were true, it would mean that....?' over and over to any response you have) til I got to the bottom of every negative thought I had about her, me, or the relationship. I am not joking when I say I woke up the next day and couldnt even REMEMBER 75% of the negative emotions I wrote down for the exercises. I was genuinely cured of 1 years worth of rumination in 2 hours of writing things down the way the book tells you to.
The problem is that people think socialisation is some mandatary thing, like food or air, but the truth is - it is not.
We are born alone and we will die alone, there is nothing bad about it, it is just how life is. You can have people around you but in your thoughts in your emotions, in your experiences you are always alone. There been lots and lots of people who would live just fine, very productive and profound lives and were socially alone.
Once you realize it - the problem is gone, or rather you see that there was no problem, just a certain conditioning by society which you grew up in. What can help here are not psychological nonsence, but some meditations definitely push you towards this (and other types of) realisation.
Disagree completely. All the most substantive experiences and memories of ones life happen within groups. Born alone die alone is reductive given each person only has fragments of information and insight individually, so we spend most our time together in some form
“Born alone” is beyond reductive, it’s plain wrong. You literally come out of another human who you must then feed on for months in order to survive.
You are born out of another human but even they can never understand you fully, they can never experience you fully, they can never know you fully. The problems of parents and kids are all coming from that and are old as time. If even parents can't do that there is no chance with other people.
This is the trick of the universe, or a trade-off if you will: being completely alone also means being completely free in terms of internal experience. If you realise that - that is the greatest gift, if you are unaware it can feel like a curse.
You're arguing for solipsism.
I don't think so. Solipsism is not being sure about what exists outside of mind.
I'm saying that others can't understand you fully, not just the mind but whole combination of memory, emotions, experiences, etc. Therefore being alone is not different from being surrounded by other people, I'm not saying they don't exist or anything like that.
you think humans don't like being alone because they are conditioned to feel that way? And you can just be ok with being alone when you realize this?
I'm not talking about "liking" it, if you like being around people - there are many ways to do it, unless you live in a mountain cave or something. In any city there are dozens of volunteering groups that would be very happy if you came over and helped them and you will be around people as well.
But in our internal state of being, in our thoughts, in our emotions and the very experience of life we are always alone. Yes we can try to express them to others some extent, but it can never be complete. In that sense we are fundamentally alone, and realising that makes the problem disappear.
Because if I'm always alone internally and nature made it so, why worry about that? The need for desperate attempts to fix it disappears and you are just fine both ways, when there are people around or when there is no one around.
it's not just conditioning, there is likely some biological drive because we evolved as a social species, but he's right, there is also conditioning and it can be dealt with. there is plenty of people that live in solitude and plenitude because they chose or learned to do so.
we're told that we need connection, but what we seek in others is really ourselves: our meaning, our purpose, we need to matter. what we actually find in others is only the illusion of that. it works (usually) and it feels good but not necessarily for everyone and there are ways to do that all by yourself. just be nice to yourself and enjoy existence. some will contemplate you as a weirdo, but that's their conditioning kicking in. it may not be for everyone, but there's really nothing wrong with that.
i was raised in a crowded family. i had dates and got married and got kids. i have a few friends left, some family left, aquaintances, sport comrades, sporadic contact and interaction with all of them ... but i spend most of my time alone and doing my thing, and rarely get bored, days fly. sometimes i might feel empty, lonely, depressed ... well then i reach out, or just soldier on, or distract myself, i know it will pass. and i think everyone has such moments, i had them all my life, being permanently crowded just distracts you from that. all in all, looking back, i'm having the blast of my lifetime and this is how i want to live the rest of it.
I've got value over the years from Desiderata. At once both economical and powerful.
I already mentioned this to @sillysaurusx but will post here in case it yields interesting comments.
https://www.desiderata.com/desiderata.html
Get a bike and ride into a forest. I don't know what it is, but it just makes all the problems go away, make that into a routine and now you have a constant thing which resets your state of mind.
ymmv, especially if you're in urban housing where there's private land as far as the eye can see.
There are plenty of good advice what to do. On the other hand don't do:
* Doomscroll on your phone, reddit, whatever. Social media is not your friend.
* Self medicate. Some commercial drugs are bad enough. This includes overeating.
* Get stuck binge watching.
Try things (if you can). You never know what you happen to like.
This reminded me of the CPC Grey video "7 Ways to Maximize Misery" https://youtu.be/LO1mTELoj6o?si=7tWgqLPyug0-NC6Z (which is not specifically about loneliness).
That video did not really include self-medicating (except as screen time can be self-medicating for boredom and tiredness); I tend to self-medicate anxiety by simple logic games (picmi, sudoku, kmines — all but the last also avoid failure) which wastes a lot of time. (Drinking water seems to be a somewhat less harmful form of self-medication; it has similar sensory benefits to eating — not as attractive as sweet, salty, fatty foods but it seems somewhat similar — and distraction but overdrinking water seems more difficult.)
Written from my allroom.
FWIW, if you do do one of these things, make sure you don’t feel guilty for it.
> One is that when I have something to say about my day, there's nowhere to say it; no one on HN cares whether I fixed up the blinds or cooked pork steaks. I hang out in an IRC chatroom for that, but sometimes nobody's around for hours.
I really recommend keeping a journal to help with this.
I've been living alone for the past decade+, and journaling is a great way to express things that matter to you but others might not care about.
Also, learn to be friends with yourself. Don't be afraid to talk to yourself sometimes, it helps :)
The grass is always greener, even if you find a good partner you have to put a lot of effort and attention to the relationship to keep it going well, also doing things you may not want to do but have to as its a two way street.
Then there are bad relationships, kids etc. It's all about tradeoffs. One thing I like about being single now (divorced) is I can do what I want when I want but also have socialisation when I want it. Would never go back to a live in relationship just too stifling. My adult daughter lives with me though so I have daily social time which, along with other family, friends, is enough for me (sometime too much and I have to decline).
Volunteering is a good way to get out of the house and meet people, while helping others at the same time.
Are you an IT person? In my experience charities are desparate for IT related help:
https://successfulsoftware.net/2018/02/04/volunteering-your-...
I wish you luck.
One thought that I have from my experience of going through a divorce: think of who else in your life is important to you, and reach out to them more. If you have someone you can talk to about what you're going through, even if they're only available by phone or email or texting or video chat, do it.
and if you keep running out of those people’s available bandwidth,
have to lean into making new friends!
I'm 37 and can relate to this. I lived and worked in another country for a pretty long time and was forced to move back home due to layoffs. I dont really know anybody apart from my family members any longer because I was away for so long. I don't feel bad about it all the time but there are days when I too feel hollow and long for some social life. I don't have a lot of answers, traveling has helped me to connect with other travelers a bit, that's one thing.
I'm used to being alone due to difficulties socializing and having moved multiple times. I will turn 31 later this year.
Short term I would suggest you going to cafes or other similar places in the weekends. Even if you end up not interacting with people, having them around already helps in itself. Plus, you might actually end up interacting with someone.
To get out of the bad mood, you can also try to call a relative on the phone, I found this to be helpful many times in the moment, but not always.
Personally, especially now that the weather is getting warm where I am, I often go out for walks or runs while listening to podcasts. But beware that using headphones all the time makes it harder to interact with others.
More long term, I would advice looking for a job where you show up in person, so that you get to interact with your coworkers.
I would also suggest talking about this with your psychiatrist, to get some advice that is more tailored to you. One last thing. While I'm not a doctor and this definitely isn't medical advice, I heard about studies showing that physical exercise is as effective as certain anti-depressants. You could discuss this with your doctor as well, as if it works for you, it has more benefits and less side effects than pills. Additionally, if you join some sport class that could be another way to meet people.
Had the same crisis - I split from my long term partner after 14 years at 33 years old. Was happy to be alone for the first time in my life then within two weeks the dread of loneliness started creeping in.
My advice is find a social outlet - Group exercise like CrossFit and Run Clubs help a lot and cater to all people.
Also - restarting your life alone is expensive, but you will never again have a cheaper cost of living. Take the opportunity to save so you can let the good times roll when you find someone.
Also also - I had zero luck on dating apps, I think their prime days are over, and they’re superficial. Don’t bother with that negative feedback loop.
There is strong research showing that the discomfort of being alone is largely a skill deficit rather than a permanent trait. Wilson et al. (2014) found people would rather self-administer electric shocks than sit quietly with their thoughts for 15 minutes. The intervention that works best is structured solitude: giving yourself a specific internal task (journaling, reflection on a concrete question, even mental rehearsal of a skill) rather than open-ended "just be alone" time. The people who thrive in solitude tend to treat it as a practice they build incrementally, starting with short deliberate sessions, not something they jump into cold.
You need a social hobby. If you like gaming, go find a game night at a game store near you. If you want to feel some purpose, look up some volunteering opportunities at churches and homeless shelters.
It's really important to stay active on things outside yourself and to at least spend some time outside most days.
Whatever you do, don't learn to cope with being alone. I did, and it was my biggest mistake.
Don't take this the wrong way, but it seems like you did not actually learn to cope
Cope, yes. Thrive, no. Surviving forty seven years alone at least counts as coping.
Let me put it this way, you do not seem to have learned to cope very well. Actually focusing on and learning to cope was a big improvement for me.
Would you mind going into more detail? Why was that a mistake?
Because if I had not I would have instead done the hard emotional labor of pursuing love, instead of becoming an isolated old man waiting to die. Being alone all the time is a kind of poverty, don't kid yourself. A lone billionaire is less wealthy than a beggar with a loving family.
Are you me.
And it's not even depression and bitterness anymore. It's beyond that. It's the final form in the 50 yo wizard meme.
This life is not something you want to pursue. There is nothing romantic about a hermit. Choose another path.
Thank you. Really. I took that to heart.
Notice though that no specific reason is given:
> hard emotional labor
⸻ that's not a selling point,
> isolated
⸻ necessarily, that's the same as "alone",
> waiting to die
⸻ not necessarily, why?
> Being alone all the time is a kind of poverty,
⸻ "alone is bad", how?
> A lone billionaire is less wealthy than a beggar with a loving family
⸻ "company is worth lots of money", how, why?
I hope that you live a long healthy, happy life without ever learning the answers to these questions.
No reasons given. But the Christmas Past vibes are perfect.
> "Solitary confinement with internet" is a lit better than being in prison. Not sure I’d like the company there.
Try not to find an answer to this question. When you feel lonely it’s easy to think of it as an existential which is a problem to solve. It feels like things shouldn't be this way. But what you’re feeling is pretty human natural and arguably the only way you can feel.
No amount of advice will get rid of it. But you can learn to be with it. Okay with it coming and going. It helps to keep in mind that you WILL get through this.
One Caveat. Even though its something that one can live with it. Often these feelings are signals to take action. So if you feel like you want company. Try to look for it.
Hope you get through it
Personally, I've enjoyed classes in yoga and in group fitness.
This has several advantages: exercise is obviously good for you, and you can meet people while you're there. But more subtly, once you show up, someone is constantly telling you what to do. For me, this has meant much less of a drain on my mental energy and discipline than if I tried to work out on my own.
Good luck!
Look around your town and try a few regular local group activities. See "third place" for ideas. Be patient with yourself. This will take time, and that's okay.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third_place
Some of my most durable adult friendships started at group ballroom dance classes. The studio was a 15-minute drive from my suburban home, twice per week, and focused on social dancing, not competitive. I don't think dancing was the thing that made it work, but funny teachers and regular faces. That studio closed (pre-pandemic, thank goodness). No studio since has recreated the magic, but other activities have.
I don't have any advice for being alone, but I want to remind you that you can open up your phone right now, start messaging people to say "want to come over for dinner at my place next Sunday?", and keep going until you have no more free seats at the dining table. You don't have to make peace with being alone.
If something gets in the way and stops you from doing this, then that thing - depression, anxiety, not having anyone to message, your friends are all busy, you don't feel ready - might help you understand and fix whatever is going on at a deeper level.
Also, that sucks. I've been in a similar place at various points in my life and it can feel inescapable until, somehow, you escape.
I think there is already great advice in the comments.
This is my two cents.
Iterate and find a way to be comfortable with yourself, perhaps (re)try different things you used to like or try new things you like. If possible in a communal setting (for instance a introduction course in ...). It can be anything from learning a language to a artisan craft.
Mostly look for community you mention you like gaming, there are a lot of gaming related communities out there that are very welcoming!
Also try to go out of your way to leave your comfort zone, this will push you into situations that you are not getting into right now and that may lead to new opportunities.
> I understand that many of you find alone-ness to be natural, and even required.
Anyone who identifies as a 'loner', 'introverted', etc. is method acting. The label only matters if there are people to convey it to. Remember that the only reason you know of people claiming this, is because they said it to an audience, not themselves.
> I'm finding it hard to actually do any of that
Figure out how to. Don't internalize psychological excuses. Use the gun-to-your-head test with extravagance.
I think what you really need might be to make new connections. During difficult times in my personal life, what helped me most was really finding some community. I started online, on Reddit and Discord servers for Make Friends Over 30 and others (https://www.reddit.com/r/MakeFriendsOver30/). I'd highly recommend it. Also, finding things that get you out of the previous patterns you had for awhile. Gaming will be fun again another day. For now, go join a dart league or something (anything) to get around other people.
Sorry you're dealing with this. Hope things brighten up for you a bit.
Making friends as an adult, especially starting from zero, is a universal struggle, so try to avoid any negative self-talk or other things that may compound your loneliness. The usual advice works, but like all advice it only works when we’re ready for it to work. I wish I could offer more than platitudes, but you sound like you have a decent self-support system already, and maybe are just temporarily lacking in confidence.
Gym has made wonders for me. Most of my friends are either on crossfit or running groups. I have joined a kickboxing gym. This helps you on multiple levels: - It provides you a routine - It makes you meet other people - It makes you exercise regularly
All of the above stave off the loneliness.
Also, get a hobby where you mind focus on one thing only. Play a instrument. Draw. Solve puzzles. Jimmy Carr had a similar issue and he started to play with legos.
There's a very good chance that everyone telling you that the meds are not helpful have no experience needing meds. Don't worry about what they have to say
I believe it is good to learn to be on your own for a while, it helps you figure out what you really want for yourself, but most humans are social being so don't try to accept it as the new normal as this is clearly not what you want. But it sounds a bit like you ask for advice for that.
It sounds you likely want a new partner, so .. at some point go out and find one. Not a replacement, your old partner seems gone, you want a different person you want to start a new life with.
And if you don't want a different person .. then you should first get over the divorce with your last partner. Otherwise it likely won't work.
(And aside "I would blame depression, but I have a great psychiatrist who has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizer" those things can have side effects, meaning you are stable to do your work, but are otherwise stuck emotionally. Therapy is a bit more, then taking meds)
So, I've been through this. I found a couple things really helpful.
1) make plans with people. Do something with a friend or friends and say "want to make this a regular thing?" For me, I went hiking every saturday morning at 9am, and coffee afterwards with a friend. Another friend was regular weekly lunches.
2) write it down. You will have all these thoughts, about the relationship, about yourself, and more. Just write it down. It will show you who you are. You will begin to unpack things.
3) exercise. Wears you out, makes you sleep, makes you smarter, puts your head on straight.
4) give it time. Right now you can do anything. that's a negative, but will become a positive as you rediscover yourself and relax.
Keep the tv on it adds life.
Meeting new people and transforming that to having people around is a journey you haven't started.
I would use this time wisely. There are opportunities that weren't available to you before. Those free weekends can be spent doing something productive.
Find your goals and go after them. You are in the best spot don't waste it.
> Keep the tv on it adds life.
Hell no. Otherwise solid advice :)
This sounds like grief and depression to me. You're struggling because you're still mentally filtering everything you do through another person who is no longer part of your life. You must learn to do things for you, not for someone else. You may find that some things you thought you enjoyed you actually were only doing for someone else. Likewise, you may discover that what you want do purely for yourself is different from what you might expect or predict.
Time will heal some of this naturally. But the #1 recommendation I would always make to anyone in this situation is to pursue exercise. Weightlifting, hiking, etc., generate rapidly compounding results across multiple dimensions of your life and also often generate some of the most authentic social experiences you can find as a 30+ year old adult.
Start doing daily outdoor walks or runs, whatever you prefer. Spend more time outdoors and away from noise if you can (easy for me to say as I live on the edge of a forest). Join some hiking clubs, you'll meet all kinds of interesting people. Learn to meditate and take some breathing exercise classes (locally or online) and get off the medications as quickly as you can.
I’m 40, and I’ve spent most of my life alone. To be clear, I’m an introvert, so being by myself is something I’m quite used to. Still, I think I have some experience that might be worth sharing:
1. Find something that’s truly yours. Remote work is fine, but having a personal project you genuinely enjoy is a completely different feeling. Try to find something like that.
2. Fill your day with structure. My day starts with reading and studying languages, then I go for a walk, work, read and learn more things, and relax in the evening.
3. Walk more. This habit is hugely underrated. One or two hours of walking a day, especially in the sun, can brighten even the darkest day.
4. Exercise. Almost everyone talks about it — because it works. And it works really well. The key is consistency.
5. Travel if you can. You’ll get a lot of new impressions and meet many interesting people.
6. Don’t just play games — watch them. I’m serious. As silly as it might sound, let’s plays can genuinely help with loneliness. There’s even research suggesting that people in streams can sometimes ease loneliness better than real-life friends. If games aren’t your thing, find streams on topics you enjoy.
7. And finally: as others here have already said — try to find yourself and understand yourself. Often loneliness isn’t about the absence of people, but about not being able to accept who you are.
Thank you, particularly for the "watch streams" suggestion. I'd forgotten about those.
That's a really tough situation, but with some active work it's manageable.
Most important to remember that the feeling of loss you have for your family connection, is real, is okay. But like all things you will learn to live with it and see benefits in it if you work at it.
Nothing can replace meeting people, new (seeing people and talking to people) and familiar (family & friends).
So how does someone in your situation achieve this?
Well you've mentioned hobbies and this is your best option:
- is there a board game cafe near you? They often run social events especially DnD open nights.
- adult education classes. In person is good but online is fine..why don't you see who runs online courses? Location matters less. French, Spanish, Japanese?
- activities, these are great but need to have a connection to them. Swim clubs are great as are bouldering/climbing clubs.
How long has it been? It can’t not be hard at first. But if you try hard enough you’ll learn to be comfortable with yourself and be alone. Finding hobbies does help for sure, particularly those that involve people.
You could try yoga too, starting from scratch is a great place to begin. It’s a great tool to learn to see yourself objectively and be able to let external things affect you less. (I’ve been practicing for 10ish years and teaching for 5ish) Also yoga communities are usually great because it’s mostly people trying to actively improve themselves. But do go for the dynamic style if you try it, because it builds the mind but also the body. So even if you don’t get into the spiritual stuff, you always get a good workout.
Best of luck. Hope you can find the strength to embrace the pain and not flee or hide from it, because it truly makes us stronger.
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2026/feb/24/strange... should help.
Try focusing on doing for other people. Volunteering, joining your local religious group, random acts of kindness. This will give your life meaning and help you find wholesome and healthy relationships.
I lived with my original family the with 8 other guys in the dorm room, then two, the by myself, got married, got divorced, lived alone for few years, got (and remained) married. I went through a good amount of settings. Here is my advice but take it with a grain of salt because it is all very individual.
First of all, however this relationship ended - you cannot sweep it under the rug. You need to process the grief. If you have means at all - seek professional help.
Second, video games, social media, substances - unless you are absolutely sure you can control it - is a way to the abyss. Don’t go there.
Third, learn to appreciate the advantages of being in the state you are. When I lived alone - I traveled to some beautiful but risky places where I would not take my mate. Did some martial arts because nobody would bat an eye if I got bruised.
Fourth - decide what is right for you and think hard about the life you want to live. Any popular non fiction book is necessarily not very deep but you can start with “Designing your life”.
HTH
>There are the usual suggestions: go to the dog park more often, pick something and build it, read books, hop on dating sites, find a hobby, and so on. But I'm finding it hard to actually do any of that. I would blame depression, but I have a great psychiatrist who has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers.
At any rate, spending most of your time alone when you're the kind of person who needs to be around people to remain sane is going to give you depression, regardless of what substances you're taking.
Also -- it's cliched but that's because it works -- are any of your hobbies physical? Exercise works better than antidepressants, and depression can be reliably predicted by tracking the user's GPS coordinates (and detecting a reduction in physical movement).
>I have a great psychiatrist who has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers
>Everything feels hollow ... feels like being imprisoned
Just a humble observation: you may not have a psychiatrist that great.
You take three different medications just for everything to feel hollow? And that is life?
That sounds quite depressing to my ear.
My advice: find a community IRL, and hear from them IRL. Solitary confinement with internet is definitely not healthy. Go outside, learn something new, meet people and interact with them in real life, "remote" won't cut it. Meds will not make you feel, people will.
Might be worth putting some focus on your physical health. That always pays dividends in every other aspect of your life.
Off the top of my head. Join a gym and just do a few machines or the treadmill. Gradually branch out into more. Get a few minutes of noon time sun on your skin. Prioritize good sleep. Walk thirty minutes a day. Start paying attention to what you eat.
Definitely! I was in a slump last year and once I've started doing stuff like this I felt better every week since the start of this year. Yeah, it doesn't sound like much if you take a peek at the YouTube fitness influencer sphere but it's what most people need in actuality. I also recommend pairing this with a habit tracker so it's easier to keep at it.
I experienced living with a host family to transitioning to living alone in that same foreign country where I even had language barriers. I would advise you to get into cycling, it's a very social sport that you can do alone too. Otherwise something like pickleball would be good too. Sorry for keeping this comment short, I have a deadline.
My friend was in a similar situation, and what he did was just went on Meetup and Facebook and searched for groups for things that he was into. Two of those groups were white collar boxing and open mic nights. I had no idea he was lonely before. He was my friend. If you filled one day of your week with a social group in the evening and then another day of the week with another social group. And eventually you feel like you're doing enough things. And you'll end up being your friend. I only meet mine once a month outside of those, but it's still really nice. Also, if you do join any social groups, you'll find yourself going to the pub afterwards.
> when I have something to say about my day, there's nowhere to say it; no one on HN cares whether I fixed up the blinds or cooked pork steaks.
As someone who lives alone, two ways I address this aspect: talk to yourself out loud and to your pets like they're people, and also write these things down in a journal. Every night after I get into bed but before I turn out the light and fall asleep, I write a journal entry. Sometimes they're quite mundane, exactly like your examples. "I cooked a steak for dinner that turned out better than I expected" or "Tomorrow I'm thinking about making some bread." There's no pressure on length of entry, I fill anywhere from three sentences to a full page each night, but it helps fill the 'how do I communicate this minor accomplishment or discomfort that nobody else cares about' need for me.
> write these things down in a journal
My added 2 cents is to write in a journal and also to read it.
If it helps, be meta and write about what you would want to look forward to read in your own journal, what kind of writing makes you keep going back reading it.
Certainly, an awesome evergreen entry is your reflection on a previous entry.
Just like material on how to blog, there are self-help books on how to journal well.
Solitude doesn't have to be a curse if we learn how to treat it as a blessing.
I enjoy being alone (emphasis: alone, not lonely), but I don't think it's good to try to force yourself to just cope with it somehow if it isn't your thing. But then, you seem to not want to do anything that would help you not be alone? It sounds like you're trying to turn yourself into a different person, which seems even harder than things like finding a hobby or joining a Meetup group.
I think it becomes easier with age - but I went through a period where I found it very hard. This book changed the way I thought about things - you may find it helpful: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zen_Mind,_Beginner%27s_Mind
“You merely adopted the loneliness. I was born in it, molded by it. I didn't know love until I was already a man, by then it was nothing to me but blinding!”
More seriously, ride the loneliness with manly grace: lose the shrink drugs, grind your teeth, clench your butt and lose yourself in body sculpting, disturbing art, brain exercises, etc... and if you want a bit of balm, remember that you're no wizard.
Many people have mentioned gym. I second that wholeheartedly. Running, especially has improved my mental health considerably. Also, writing. Maybe start by writing about all the times you wished you were alone and how that will now be possible :)
Damn this thread is a gold mine. Wishing you the best. My advice is to prioritize health and exercise and spend time outside somewhere you can run into new interesting people. build a circle
Spirituality helps. Listen to Ram Dass, Alan Watts, Adyashanti, etc. They help make sense of the macro and micro picture of life. Think of it as narrative oinment for your thinking mind and narrative center of gravity. Check your vitamin D levels, get tests done. My vitamin D levels were so low that I considered it as an effort to even fart. I am not joking.
Is this really new or you were already alone but distracted with others? It is ok to feel alone. It is natural, and as long as you take the time to learn about yourself and what you really want and need, you'll learn and grow (even enjoy). It won't be your last time, but it gets easier as you get older. Cherish that your only priority is yourself (and your dog. f*k the cat :-p). It won't last.
A religion you vibe with is probably the one shot for this. In my case that's a flavor of Buddhism with strong deity practices. Atheists home about imaginary friends, but...
* work from the gym, if there is a lounge area * work from the library * join social clubs pertaining to your interest * change your job to be in-office, the commute and errands that occur incidentally result in more interactions
I'm sorry you're going through this.
I go to the library, farmer's markets, do group classes at the gym, and join groups that match my interests.
I'm the same way. I require people time, and work from home wears me down.
Learn to be your best friend.
Understand that even though you are on medication you can still be depressed.
You just lost someone you loved. Someone who by the sounds of things was a joy to be around and share experiences with. Someone who helped give your life purpose and regulate your emotions.
A cynical way to look at it is that socialisation draws us out of our own minds and shifts our focus outwardly so we use it as an escape from our current mental state. So learn to be comfortable in your own mind.
A few things that have helped me in the past are: - Find small wins. Don't expect big changes immediately. Small wins accumulate over time. Examples: say hi to neighbors, go to a gym, work from a coffee shop etc. - Join a coworking space. This was a huge help personally. It still took more than a few months but this changed my life.
Hope these help a bit!
Go to where the people are.
Volunteer your time .. animal shelters, food kitchens, trash cleanups, habitat for humanity, or even just drop in to a nursing home .. there are tons of people that would also love to talk and share.
Maybe not specific advice for your situation but I've always found this poem moving and valuable when it comes to building comfort in being alone. I hope it helps you too https://youtu.be/k7X7sZzSXYs?si=LwCMyP0L2vsllHJl
The cheapest way is to get out of the house and take a walk and visit shops or crowded places and just hang out. Don't think too much since most of them turns out to be wrong. Practice drawing / gardening. Read books. Go to local meetings and enjoy. Music helps. Keep doing some simple physical activities like cleaning house or anything that keeps you occupied. Give priority to mental health. Everyone of us deserves to live peacefully.
>Everything feels hollow now
You need to figure that one out if you want to truly get out of this funk. The rest is secondary.
If you feel like you have "too much free time" and you need to occupy it to keep bad thoughts away, volunteer. Also hit the gym/a sport (padel seems to have taken off !)
genuinely would suggest you start meditating. stepping outside yourself can be profoundly impactful. seeing the feelings you are having, and just acknowledging that those feelings exist and giving them a name minimizes their importance. "that was fear, that was emptiness, that was resentment, that was joy." it can be grounding to realize that your emotions and thoughts are technically just suggestions dropping out of a stochastic pattern matcher.
im not going to explain the entirety of meditatiob, but i would suggest you go to a local buddhist temple and ask for suggested reading material on how to get started.
I can sense that your heart is searching for guidance, a deeper connection and clarity in life. That yearning itself is a sign—one that points to God. The Qur’an offers a roadmap for this journey: reciting it with attention brings light to the heart, dhikr keeps your mind and soul anchored in remembrance, and meditation helps you witness your own thoughts and intentions with clarity.
It’s also important to pause regularly to account for yourself—to reflect on your actions, intentions, and how they align with your higher purpose. And finally, service to others transforms this inner seeking into outward compassion, making your spiritual path alive and practical.
When these practices—recitation, remembrance, mindful reflection, and service—flow together, they help turn yearning into guidance, and seeking into a lived experience of God’s presence.
It might be that you crave people in order to prove to yourself that you have people on your side. Might help to be alone for an extended period, then get together with someone afterwards to kind-of prove to your subconscious that relationships don't dissolve just because you're not constantly in contact.
It's not just a hobby you need, it's purpose. For some that is a hobby. If you go the hobby route, try to look for one that has in person meetups. Others going through this use self-improvement as their purpose (gym, suit up, etc). Church works for some. Consider some continuing education courses. Would charity work suit you? There are places like habitat for humanity that you can volunteer at. Maker spaces can be fun. You might also want to try out working from a co-working space.
Get a pet and narrate everything you do, you can even talk to the pet, they love that. I do this whenever my husband is away and I find it pretty calming/enjoyable
Are you in an area where not working remote is an option? The banter and camaraderie of an office and common timezone might give the social fill you need, and make the time alone at home that's left a pleasant change.
Empty nest and now divorce. Biggest help for me was finding a DivorceCare group and joining a CrossFit gym. Instant community on both counts.
I would recommend trying out an active activity in your community that seems to be pretty popular. Not only will the physical activity be beneficial in physical and mental ways, but the communities are usually pretty welcoming to newcomers. I've met some great people via pickle ball, tennis, table tennis, jiu jitsu, and rock climbing gyms.
You need people around you.
100% group fitness classes. Orange Theory. I joined boxing, and lost 50+ pounds. Plus I met super nice people, and might have learned a little technique too. If you're single, I've been to two gyms (first one close) and both had majority 20-35 year old women (who could knock me out in seconds).
If you live in a coastal place, and if you don't hate water, I recommend joining a sailing club and start sailing. It is a great social catalyst and it is relatively easy to get started.
"has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers"
Have you considered getting a second opinion on your meds? That sounds like a lot if that's 3 separate medications, and not without side effects which may be contributing to a lack of interest in interests.
I would agree wit some topics you listed inlcuding building a daily habit and specially exerciing or walking outdoors. That will help a lot.
So I am mostly a lurker here on HN for the past 15 years but I love the community and positivity and general helpfulnesses on this thread. You all are awesome and OP thanks for being vulnerable and I hope the community keeps loving on you!
I'm a little baffled. Do you live in a wilderness? In the list of potential things you gave, there are few social activities. Find a club for one of your hobbies. Find a group exercise program. Volunteer for an organization you are passionate about.
Also, being alone out in nature can be very beneficial for you.
Maybe find a therapist to help you decouple yourself from your prior relationship.
organise a good old 90s style LAN party ! with Doom or Dune Nukem etc
that will be a blast
yeah some social interactions are 100% needed, even for hard core introverts
Lot's of good thought here but I will reiterate; helping others doing something you enjoy or are good at is almost always the way.
Join Discord servers of your favorite games and join social servers, build/play with the same folks. It can be like playing in a local band (also a great way to socialize and find purpose).
Most responses are about how not to be alone. Your question reminded me of an old YouTube video I found helpful called how to be alone: https://youtu.be/k7X7sZzSXYs
Quick suggestions:
It's good to learn to be alone, but don't be alone too much
journaling
meetup app
Just Serve app
Facebook dating, bumble, hinge: you can say you are just looking for friendship in your profile
I'm truly sorry to hear about your suffering. Have you considered giving your life to Jesus? It can be a great source of healing and comfort in your time of need. I'd be happy to talk to you about (even privately) if it would be helpful.
I just started going to the gym, being a little more self-loving, and paying attention to my appearance and behaviour.
If you’re alone but look good enough for your age and are an interesting person, it’s just a matter of time before you have somebody around.
It sucks to feel lonely. You could try a meditation retreat. I found it helpful to sit with loneliness before trying to solve it.
Don’t immediately go looking for things to fill the empty spaces. There is a lot of value in being able to sit with oneself and one’s thoughts.
It’s also not a bad time to start practicing mindfulness/meditation if you are not already.
I've had several instances in my life where I've been alone for extended periods of time, almost at the same age you are now. I've generally enjoyed it, but not sure what the "How To" is for being alone. For me I've used my alone time to do new/learn things. I taught myself parkour, went and did Brazilian jiujitsu for years, did painting/art classes, went indoor rock climbing, read a lot more on philosophy, went to philosophy groups, joined my local humanist/secular society, worked out a lot more and went running, worked on my own programming projects, geocached, went to local lectures/presentations, all kinds of things. Basically I just followed any random thing my brain thought was interesting. As a side effect I ended up meeting a lot more people than I would have otherwise. I remember feeling anxious when I first became alone but I focused on the fact that I had a lot of freedom. Once you start experiencing your own freedom it feels good! It took a bit, I remember I felt mentally shackled about what I could do, but as I did things I just found there was more that I wanted to do.
Try out a new hobby, maybe take Salsa classes. Anything to be around people, don’t try to be comfortable alone.
Exercise, therapy, meditation, writing. I've valued my time alone, in retrospect, tho it was scary and challenging.
A year after my mom died, my dad went on a cruise and met his girlfriend. They are inseparable now. My dad is elderly.
You have MANY options:
OPTION 1: What ever you are into, see if there is a club in your town for that.
e.g. the suburban town I live in has a:
- rock climbing club
- board game club
- maker lab at the library
- Italian speaker's club
- and more
OPTION 2: Start a club
If you don't find a club you like: start one!
I did this with the town rock climbing club. I went on the town dad's Facebook and asked "anyone want to go rock climbing?", multiple people responded and now we have a club.
Fun fact: me starting the climbing club directly inspired the founder of the board game club to start that club too
OPTION 3: Host a cocktail party
If that sounds daunting, I can assure you it's not that hard and there is even a n EXCELLENT book by Nick Gray called The Two Hour Cocktail Part [0]
It lays out, step by step, all of the steps from invite to scheduling to name tags etc etc. It's like cookbook for how to have a great party.
And the idea is to make it less than 2 hours on a Mon/Tue/Fri so setup is easy and pressure to impress etc is low.
OPTION 4: Invite other people you know out for a drink/plate of wings etc
Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, is starving for time out away from their life. Whether it be single people, married people, old people, young people etc, everyone wants something to do outside the house.
Don't believe me? Search "dad loneliness" on Reddit. It's post after post of dad's, probably about your age, saying "Man, I wish someone would just call me and say 'hey, what's a good time to grab a beer next week?' "
0 - https://amzn.to/4rpUAhv
thanks for the plug to my book!!
> I would blame depression, but I have a great psychiatrist who has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers.
You can have a great psychiatrist and be on a cocktail of mood-altering drugs and still be depressed. I know because I lived that way for many years. The sooner you admit to yourself that you're depressed, the sooner you can start trying to work through it. Cause that's the only solution to depression: working through it.
I mean, it's not really fair for me to armchair diagnose you and I'm certainly without qualification to do so. I'm just telling you what I recognize in your words. I refused to admit that I was depressed in 2020 (who wasn't that year) because that would "make it real." Once I finally stopped trying to trick myself out of it, I was able to accept my situation and even that was a slight relief (though certainly not a cure).
I wish you all the best. I really do. It's gonna be really difficult if I'm right, but me pretending that it won't be isn't gonna help you. All I can say is that I'm confident that you'll get to the other side eventually if you don't give up. I believe that to be true for most people and you haven't said anything that makes it seem untrue for you. I wish for you courage.
> But I'm finding it hard to actually do any of that.
Based on experience of someone in my family, I ask: are you and your doctor sure that the mood stabilizers themselves aren’t making that hard?
Living alone sucks. The transition period after a long relationship ends also sucks. No amount of advice from anyone can fill that void for you. Having said that, you have to at least give yourself a chance to go out there and stay in the real-world as much as possible. Some ways to do that would be to just walk around your city/locality/town aimlessly every day before or after your remote work time since there is no reason for you to stay at home beyond that time - have a step count goal - don't go back home until you hit that goal, treat yourselves to local food, make small talk with random strangers, get back on dating apps - meet people for fun. Staying outdoors, moving at all times or as much as possible can do wonders. Also, since you work remote, consider moving to a different place to work. Good luck.
> I was hoping for some psychological tricks to deal with that,
But this is a psychological trick. You "just" have to find your adaptation strategy and a way to move on.
I'd also suggest to see someone. Simply to talk it out and find those things in the process.
> I'm also finding it difficult to think of things to do
Why do you need things to do?
Meditate on this. Everything else is noise.
Being alone is painful, this is not a bug, it's a feature.
pain is the bootstrap. The only truth
Looking back from the vantage point of 70+ years of life, and having seen many people experience this very thing, I think the key is to get to know yourself. That sounds cliche, I know. Up until now, you have defined yourself in terms of your relationships with other people: your family, your partner, your spouse, your work group, etc. Many of the folks I've known had never been on their own, never done their own laundry, cooked their own meals, and so on. When divorce hit, they were devastated. And socially set adrift. In a few cases, they responded by hooking up with the first person that gave them the time of day, which proved to be less than optimal. The more successful of those transitioning to being alone worked on learning who they were, what interested them, how to do the routine things that perhaps someone else did for them in the past, and so forth. One person I knew experienced this in their 40s. He prepared his first meal for himself at 46. After stumbling around a bit, he decided to throw himself into cooking, discovered that he loved it, and went to school to become a professional chef, giving up software development for cooking, less money but far happier. When we search for hobbies and connections, far too often we look where we've always been. For those of us in some computer related field, it may be programming, video games, and other tangential "hobbies". When we branch out, e.g., learn a musical instrument, take dancing or singing classes (great way to meet people), take up public speaking (Toastmasters), find a good gym, or any other pursuits, we discover things we never knew we loved and people from outside our usual social circles which up until then had been dominated by work relationships. Suddenly, one is no longer alone and forms friendships based on shared interests and mutual connection. Those friendships are more durable than most of the relationships one forms at work. And in the process, one may find a new romantic interest, or several. Bottom line, break out of your comfort zone, and try something new. And if you find that exceedingly difficult or even debilitating, perhaps seeking the help of a professional would be beneficial. No, none of this is easy, but it is a great opportunity to discover yourself, other people, and to enrich your life experience dramatically. Good luck.
The gym is a great way to be around other people without any expectation or commitment. Malls are good too. Grocery shopping. Working at a coffee shop here and there.
So many takes and advices that could be taken on this topic, I'll keep my $0.02 short: Get a pet.
Perhaps this can also save you a little bit on psychotherapist costs: Learn to like yourself, and your own company.
Humans are social animals though, but don't try to be social for the sake of it, do things you like that involve people, and be nice to them. OTOH, I've met a couple of Uber drivers that are in it just for the social interaction of it (like retirees mostly). Others here will probably have better tips on this topic though, hope that helps.
Hit the gym a lot to find your inner peace. Both weightlifting and lots of zone2
Have to be careful with gyms. I injured my shoulder doing weights over twenty years ago and still have trouble with it.
Warm up for every workout. Allow 72 hours recovery between lifts. I.e. if you bench press on Monday, don't do it again until Thursday. Do legs instead. I do squats on Monday, bench on Wednesday, deadlift on Friday.
Progressive overload is important but don't add more than 5lbs when you're moving up. Don't ego lift, there's always someone who can lift more than you; you should only be competing with yourself.
Always have a spotter or at least safety pins if you're anywhere close to your max weight or reps.
This is a very lame excuse. You can do 100 different things without compromising your shoulder. Try cardio. Or just wight lifting with very light weights. Or group classes.
Lame? I see what you did there. Either way, I have had a problem for two decades thanks to bad weight lifting. It's still bugging me right now as a matter of fact. Moral is that I should have worked with a decent trainer.
Maybe the answer is: don't be alone. We are social animals at the core.
I dont know if this will help you, but i want to improve my english, so maybe we can chat a bit about life, or coding or whatever you have in mind.
Drop medication and go out. By which I mean meetup/join a club/choir/whatever you can tolerate or maybe even enjoy the activity on its own (to get company and not feel forced).
Games, hobbies, meds are not good. Those are like candy, you need real food.
There are 3 aspects to the issue you need to tackle:
# existential, deep
What you need to do is to get a glorious vision of 1- who you are and 2- what you are doing, aka. the plan.
Examples:
1- I am a scientist, 2- I'm getting a phd to then change the world with my research.
1- I am a father/husband, 2- I am raising a happy family.
1- I am a skinny/fat guy who will have an impressive transformation to bodybuilder, 2- I am targeting to raise my lean body mass by 2kg/year.
1- I am a guy with troubled emotions that feel like hell, who will overcome his suffering and find happiness, 2- I am becoming a buddist monk.
# physiological, shallow
Your negative emotions will be a burden in your journey to glory.
You need to feel comfortable being alone. You need to be able to be alone without intense negative emotions about it. It is like getting used to feeling cold/hot, hunger. Like adapting very hot sauna or marathons. You need to physiologically adapt to solitude.
The root solution will be what I explained before. Short-term, it would be good to have a break and to restart fresh (next time recognizing you didn't do it well the 1st time with your games, and that you need to work on a glorious plan). Options to get a break:
- move back with your parents for 1-2 years
- go to some cheap and nice destination and live in hostels, shared room. Change hostels every few weeks. Chat with guests. Just having a 'good morning' goes a long way.
# practical solution
While you have to adapt to solitude, you can also work on getting relationships. In order to do this:
- go out and talk to people physically (Internet doesn't count). You can actually go to a stranger on a park/mall and talk. Try it. Also explore bars, courses, events. When you go to those, you have to talk to people, you get 1 point for each person you talk to, otherwise 0 points.
- make a list of people you have known and see if you can get back in touch and deepen the relationship. Include in the list people you currently have some relationship with. Yes, even the cashier that always gives you a good smile when he says: 'debit or credit?'. You can deepen the relationship over several days in this sequence: polite smiles -> trivial chit-chat -> personal talk -> invitation to hang out.
Audiobooks are a good way to not feel alone in your head.
Society seems to disapprove of liking to be alone. What else can we expect, it's a society, so of course it does. But if you really want me to teach you how to do this terrible thing:
View it as an opportunity. You don't have to fix the blinds or cook, and you don't have tell anybody about it. There is nobody to maintain an image for. You can be really gross, or incredibly lazy, nobody will notice. (This is perhaps the real meaning of Sartre's phrase "hell is other people".)
Drop the pitiful attitude. Instead of whining "Who will comfort me?" you must experiment with saying "Yes! Everybody has finally fucked off!".
For a while it will seem as if you need other people to give life depth and meaning, but this is an illusion. You are habituated to leaching meaning off them, is all. Now you have to find your own sources. "Solitary confinement with internet" sound like the most ideal prison to me: would you really want to be surrounded by other prisoners, with their noise and drama?
This is adaptation, and thus will take time, because of ingrained habits, expectations, and habits not yet arrived at. The process unfortunately is slow and stupid and you'll have to sit it out, perhaps in front of a games console.
Get better games, until you find one you can immerse yourself in for a month, with enthusiasm. Don't skimp in hunting for games.
Listen to the silence. That is, listen to the distant ambient sounds. This should be soothing meditation, and if you do it long enough you'll get the peculiarly naughty and sensual feeling of sitting quietly. Think of it as a free John Cage concert. Silence is golden, right? It's something rare. Social people are continually destroying it for one another, so they miss out.
Read books & audiobooks. Find a meetup club for books near you.
I spent many years without friends or close contacts during childhood.
Later I had one relationship, then another.
Since 2019 and until now I have again had no social contacts - zero significant others or people I could write / reach out to.
Apparently, because of the lack of social experience in childhood, I did not develop some important social skills, and I am very bad at forming connections and generally navigating social situations. I may also have avoidant personality disorder, and I am afraid of or avoid close relationships, sharing personal things, and so on. The need for such connections may exist, but it is literally impossible for me to realize it. In any case, I have spent years without any close relationships with people - no partner, no friends / significant others, and no contact with relatives. However, over time I have developed certain strategies and an understanding of how to live alone (which is what this post is about). Whether they will work for others I don't know. I will simply describe what helps me.
1. I start to feel psychologically unwell if I stay at home without leaving it continuously for too long - more than two or three days.
2. I feel unwell if I work remotely from home. Each time this has led me into very unpleasant psychological states. When I paid for a coworking space and went there to work every day, I felt much better.
3. I also felt much better when the work was done within a team or a collective. Not the type of work where you perform tasks entirely independently and interact with people at work only occasionally. My current job is like that, even though it is in an office, and for that reason I am considering changing it. I really need regular social interactions on job, and not these endless meaningless meetings but working together.
4. I feel better when I have a public place I can go to regularly besides work. At one time it was a cafe where I went to read. Now it is an educational institution where I go to work on study projects after work and on weekends. At some point it was a community center where I moderated a group.
5. Filling time with activities. If I suddenly have a lot of free time with nothing to fill it - for example during Christmas holidays or vacations - it is important to find something to occupy that time. I can travel somewhere, start a project, or simply fill the time with reading and watching things. I read quite a lot of books and watch a fair number of series during holidays and long weekends. So, escapism like this is not so healthy if done without measure for too long, but for limited time it also works.
6. It helps when there is a long-term project to which you dedicate your free time. Even better if you do it with someone. In this way I wrote a hobby operating system in my spare time over roughly a year as a learning project.
7. Language speaking groups or discussion groups can also help. They prevent losing touch with reality and with society.
8. In general, the ideal situation for me is when I come home only to sleep.
If you spend too much time alone, not among other people, and do not interact with them at all - even superficially or for practical reasons (work, study projects, language groups, etc.) - you can actually start losing contact with reality and "going crazy." In my view this is quite a dangerous state. However, these superficial contacts only help maintain mental stability and keep some connection with reality. They do not replace close relationships. The need for close relationships still remains, even after years. At least in my experience. But how to find or establish those close connections - I do not know. But this is a different topic. Not about how to live alone.
Once I graduated from school, I found it hard to make friends. My mid-20s were very lonely when I moved for work.
A few things I did:
I periodically had roommates. This wasn't the same experience as a college roommate, but at the time it helped with the loneliness.
I started going to tech meetups. (I lived in Silicon Valley.) This ultimately was where I met most of my friends.
(When I worked from home,) I would occasionally work out of a hacker space. After I changed jobs, I remained a member and went to social events. This was where I met the rest of my friends.
I volunteered.
---
Some things that didn't work for me, but might work for you:
I tried going to church. (In my case I found a hippy interfaith that focused on world religions instead of Christianity.) This didn't last very long for me for reasons that I won't discuss here; but if you find a community that you like, it can work wonders. Churches are fundamentally social organizations.
I went to Burning Man twice. The community operates similar to a church. For various reasons, it didn't work for me, but if you're on the same wavelength of a Burning Man or "local burn" group, it can work for you.
I would often sit at the bar for 1-2 hours in the afternoon and have 1-2 beers. Sometimes I had great conversations, but it never lead to friendship.
I was surprised not to see the roommate suggestion more in this thread.
I guess it's highly dependent on where you're at culturally, as I can think of many regions where this wouldn't be normal.
After ~15 years of living alone I just took on a new roommate myself in my 40s. It's a friend of a family member who is half my age and needed a better living situation. I'm in a house that's too big for me and this kinda works. I'm still adjusting and largely an introvert but this more than scratches my social itch and gives me an excuse to cook more/better food.
Agreed, roommates were huge for me before I started a family. I have a strong tendency to become a hermit, and having another human in the vicinity is just enough healthy social pressure to snap me out of it. Forces me to wash the dishes and do normal human things.
Also very important for me: I always have some decent clothes hanging in my closet that are washed, prepped and ready to go for various situations. Not having something nice to wear for a last-minute social event is a massive source of friction, but if I can easily throw on some clothes that I feel good about then it really dials up my enthusiasm.
this video might help → https://youtu.be/k7X7sZzSXYs?si=m7Ben0Tt_hfZ996R
Start a defacto book club in a local cafe, that is, become a regular, show up with a book at approximately same day, same hour
If you struggle being alone - you're not meant to be alone. It's not everyone's cup of tea
First off, what does your taper schedule look like for your meds? Are you planning on going off them or are you planning on staying on them? If you are staying on them, how long are you going to stay on them?
Medicine is for CURING things, not dependency. Dependency comes from taking drugs regularly, not medicine, which is taken until you are cured. So, are these drugs for you or are they medicine?
A Psychiatrist is not a personal councilor. They are there to "treat" your "disease" with meds/drugs. I had one for a hot minute and left after 2 sessions. Get a grief councilor that is the same gender as you. If I could go back I would change that part.
I'll be even more direct here. If you can't handle the pain of correction in your life now, you will surely handle it later on, at the cost of your youth and energy. The likelihood of you falling back in with someone toxic is going to be quite high if you don't get cleaned up and sober. So, make a commitment you will see this "being alone" thing through until you get happy.
An old friend once told me (when we were young) that he felt he needed to be happy alone before he could be happy with someone. I agree with this assertion. If you rely on a relationship, or person, to be happy (or experience happiness through them in the fog of meds) then you've already set yourself up for failure.
Lastly, be accountable. If you can figure out what you did wrong in the last relationship (and that can simply be STAYING with someone toxic) then you're setting yourself up for success.
Accountably is also realizing that the answer is within you. By looking outside of yourself, you avoid the harsh inner truths. Go to church if you don't want to directly address these. Go to the desert if you do.
And by all means, avoid alternate medications until you get off the ones you are on.
Good luck. You'll need grit to get through this, but you will get through it eventually.
You mentioned it, but I'll go deeper: the dog park.
In reality, this applies to any third place, but we'll go with the dog park.
I've been going to my local dog park nearly every day for the almost 14 years. Over time, I've met many of the best friends and best humans that I've known in my entire life. I have a group of regulars that evolves over time, and we're all good friends now. I also regularly see acquaintances who show up less often. This has been fantastic for my mental health.
So, again, this really applies to any third place. Go to church, a lot, if that's your thing. Join a bowling club and get deeply involved. Join a climbing gym and go all the time, and strike up conversations with people. Join a martial arts organization and get seriously involved.
The keys are to socialize and to fill up your time.
This feeling of loneliness is hard to fill. It takes time. I'm a pretty lonely person for other reasons, I go out and have friends but I find that there is too much noise in my mind and the moments of genuine connection are rare. I'm now reading books on chan (zen) and learning to cultivate and enjoy a more peaceful mind. I've finished therapy and been a psychiatric patient for years. Nothing worked until it did. It's constant education. I'm not claiming to be cured or healthy, but I'm happy. I can imagine how hard it is for you becoming so sudden.
There's definitely a lot of paths you can explore. There is therapy, philosophy, experiences. You can go to therapy to find answers. Even to find a first step. You can read any sort of books to find myriad new ways in which you could perceive the world and yourself in it. And the experiences come along the way. If you are taking the effort that is good. To take up effort you need to see the future. Seems like you believe in it, but wish to see it clearer. Just know that at the beginning of the path nothing is clear, but time is the only constant. And that every feeling is there to tell you something but you only need to recognize it. If it's still there trying to break through, let it through. With every move you make progress. Be kind to yourself.
Good luck my friend.
Stop running away from the self you've never known.
Solitude is a hard won ally. Faithful and patient.
Might be helpful to go into the office once a week or so?
Being lonely is difficult. A lot of people will try to tell you that it is not or that you should be OK with it. Unfortunately, a lot of this advice is moralizing, the sort of "there must be something wrong with you if you can't be by yourself for long periods of time." This really annoys me. There is nothing wrong with wanting to spend time with people! Being social is one of our most fundamental needs. But just look at all the negative health benefits loneliness brings about[1]. If you wouldn't be OK with a friend smoking 15 cigarettes a day, you probably shouldn't be OK with yourself being lonely for most days.
Humans are social animals. Yes, some people are not like this. But if you feel unhappy when you are alone, there is nothing wrong with you. This only means that you are normal.
That aside -- what do you do when you are lonely? "Easy": Go to places where there are people doing stuff and join them. Eventually you will make weak connections. Ask these people to hang out in other contexts. You are done. There are no tricks. The hard part is it takes effort and time - you need to show up over weeks or months, and following up with people outside of the event and making plans is effortful.
If you want one really targeted tip: I love pickleball. Unlike almost any other sport, pickleball has a community where you can just wander over to a pickleball court and join in with virtually anyone. Also, it's great exercise, so even if you don't meet anyone you like, you still got healthier anyways - it's a win-win.
[1]: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-human-beast/2023...
I guess no one is going to say the obvious, so I'll bite.
Find someone else, make this a top priority. Forget online dating, just go out and try to make connections. Make this a top priority, much like trying to find a new job.
The rest of the people giving you coping mechanisms is just slop. Most people aren't meant to be alone. You sound like one of these people. You're looking for life hacks to deal with something that sounds like it's very much a choice. Do not go gentle into that good night. It's not going to get easier. And God forbid you have some medical issues which we all inevitably do. Who is going to take care of you? Who are you going to spend your last breaths on? Some passive musings to a nurse?
I think the poster is looking for temporary coping advice, not advice on how to be alone forever.
Lying on the grass, gazing at the sky, city walk, city drive,
You were together all your adult life - you’re not two people anymore, you’re cleaved as one.
And now that’s been severed. It will hurt.
New hobbies and getting your mind off things won’t cut it. If this was a physical injury you wouldn’t recommend someone start a new sport. Your soul is injured.
If the partnership is totally irreconcilable (or if it’s something more tragic, then my condolences) then you just need to accept that and take the time to heal. But is it irreconcilable?
Good luck.
I initially read this as "I want to experience aloneness, how do I do it". I read it that way because to me, being alone is an incredibly wonderful and useful experience. You can know things when you are alone that you cannot otherwise know. Like your true size in the universe. There is nothing like being alone at night, outside, when the temperature is 20 without anything or anyone around you.
This is not something you will experience when being alone, locked in a room or a building. Or surrounded by people. You need to be in the wild, in nature. Do it.
In those moments of being alone you learn something that allows you to be more alive. More deeply in the world. And a way to give you a context for not being alone.
So my first suggestion is to go someplace where you are completely alone and on your own for a while. Out in nature.
People can be the most wonderful creatures on earth. And the worst. There is a pretty good way to find them at their best, and it is hilarious. Go on a quest.
What is a quest? It is not an intellectual thing, it is a thing of the heart. It does not have to be a great thing, but it does have to be one that matters to you - you have to care about it.
For example, you might decide to spend the night outside, alone in the winter. Do not read a book about this. Start asking people. Tell them why you are going on your quest and ask them if they know anyone who can help you learn how.
Now the secret to a successful quest is to follow it. If someone says Joe and Josie know, then go ask Joe and Josie. And of course you are honor bound to actually do the quest. People are utterly wonderful about helping someone, so ask for help.
Finally, write. Get a fountain pen and a notebook (or cheat and get a ballpoint pen). Sit down. Set a timer for one hour and write. The goal is to write sentences continuously for one hour. It matters not what you write. If you want (and can actually do it) you can write the same one over and over, but it has to be some sentence - no matter how broken.
We all get stuck in the past. The cure for the past is the future, the new. You have open doors in front. One or more of those has better things than anything in your past. So go there.
My advice is find a fairly priced coworking facility in your area and join that. Even better if it is a maker space also. Or just join the maker space. Its not good to work at home AND be alone all the time, if you're not the kind of person that likes that. If for some reason you don't have coworking places, you can often find cheap offices in business parks on a month to month plan, but it will require some luck or some work to make friends with people in that environment. Theres tons of good but random advice that could work, but the above I think would be a very small change to your life but also put you around tons of people. Goodluck. Keep in mind that there are also countless people that would love to be in your situation, although I dont know if that helps you.
Check out improv if that might be your jam. I was effectively in the same situation (more so, via the empty-nest syndrome). Couple that to moving to a new town and working remotely, the isolation was devastating.
Improv pretty much selects for people that are playful, intelligent, and kind (it's a team sport after all).
Another aspect is learn to dance. Dance communities can be very strong, and dancing is a wonderful activity on so many levels. I initially went with expectations of meeting somebody, but now it's solely for the activity and sense of community.
> There are the usual suggestions: […] But I'm finding it hard to actually do any of that.
There are some other suggestions and ideas here in the comments and your response also boils down to “thank you but that’s too hard”.
Sorry to say this but - it’s going to be hard. Did you want something easy? I don’t think it exists in this situation. Creating new routines and breaking out into something different from what you were used to for years, will take effort and resources. There’s no magic pill.
You can do this but it’ll take effort and discipline. Go for it!
> many of you find alone-ness to be natural, and even required
You can hear that from people who are not truly alone, but have more attention from their closest than they need.
The answer to your question - "Don't". Shift your priorities, reshape your life, change your place of living if needed, but don't be alone. This shit will kill you.
Maybe you can discover other ways to be connected with meaninful people – not necessarily the closest/relatives ones - through sports, volunteering, local neighborhood initiatives. If needed, spend more money on it, travel to other countries to meet people that you care about. Anything that leads to real human hug will work. I measure unloneliness progress in the average number of human hugs per day :). Optimize your life for that.
Whatever you do, refuse to have the life where you're alone.
Don't work remote.
Join a drumline
Not to be insensitive but you've described all the problems and the solutions.
You're remote. You game. No hobbies. I don't think you mentioned your friends if you have any or not.
Life is going to suck for a while and you'll adjust from the breakup.
However, while you're adjusting you can lay the foundation for your new life by addressing the issues you already see.
I'll add to that, focus on sleep, focus on nutrition, and focus on moving your body in some way every day (e.g. walk, exercise, etc).
Good luck man.
First off, it's just hard. Sorry you have to go through it.
What's worked unfailingly for me for the 40+ years since I became an adult was always having long term habits that moved my life forward. I had no guidance on the big stuff, so from about age 12 I methodically taught myself about programming, sculpting a career, investment, running a business, running a household, being funny, being a man, etc. All years-long efforts. (If I had to do it all again I'd replace one of those with a martial art.)
So I had something to work on instead of lapsing into depression during very dark times. If you met me the last thing you would imagine is that chicks dig me, but they do. I'm not good looking by any standards. But building these skills created a person that people know can get things done at a pretty high level. People like a confident dude, and that will probably serve you much better than spending an ungodly amount of time on Hinge.
Plenty of people have already said join a gym. I'll build on that and say try and find one that offers group classes - anything from the Les Mills line up, for instance. For several years until Covid struct, I used to do Body Combat twice a week, along with occasional Cx Works and Body Pump. A year before I started doing all of that it had never occurred to me that I might want to set foot in a gym!
In the most difficult stages of my life I've found that exercise raised my energy levels and left me more able to tackle the things I needed to face - and the friends I made through group classes helped as well.
Look for other kinds of in-person group activities (if you play an instrument, open mic nights, retro-computing meets or hackspaces), and give them a go - even if they're not the kind of thing you usually enjoy - be prepared to be surprised!
I'm sorry you're going through this and I'm impressed that you are in touch enough with your feelings to articulate it.
There's a lot of great advice in this thread. The best I have is to 1) Join a gym and go consistently. Nothing improves your mood like endorphins. Plus, at 38 you'll be amazed at what kind of shape you can get in. 2) Meditate. Learning to be present and grounded will enable you to decide who you want to be and who you want to be with. One I like is called Quantum Light Breath, particularly the version from Jeru Kabbal. It's a guided meditation so you can do it alone, although it is great in a group as well. Spoiler: It has nothing to do with quantum mechanics or the physics of light. There is a lot of breathing, though.
Good luck.
Move to South America and let the problem solve by itself.
Why fight a culture that enforces individualism?
Just move to a place where it’s rare being alone.
People in mexico and south are just different
I was almost about to suggest the OP to move to a small town in India. Here he/she will be fighting for privacy though ;). What a contrasting culture!
For humans at least seeing other people is a bare minimum. I would just go for a walk, wave at my neighbour/building workers, make small talk etc. I don't know how the cultural dynamics work, but can't you move back into your parents home? Just being alone with depression sounds terrible. I hope your situation improves soon.
It was normal to die at that age 100 years ago, so you treat it like death, the stuff beyond physiological and safety needs don't matter.
I don't have much to add - just that I hope you find peace with your new normal. My heart goes to you.
Ok. First time writing here. Been there: totally alone (four blocks away from my three kids) at 35 -that was 15 years ago-. What it worked: volunteer. Sometimes you'll feel glorious sometimes you'll feel meeh, sometimes you feel annoyed, but I think that's the point. Just volunteer.
Try to do your best and “invade” the still existing third spaces, no matter if that involves some extra money that otherwise you wouldn’t have spent. The best example for that are coffee shops, pick two or three of them and try to go there almost every day, by rotation, even for work (if during the week), or just for reading/browsing your phone. Be sure to bring your dog with you.
There are also parks, not sure if there are any of those in your general area, but make sure to make a routine out of walking your dog through them. Also make sure to sit on a bench for 5, 10, even 30 minutes, people-watching, even if it’s the middle of the day and work is waiting. Let it wait.
Start dancing Argentine tango. I am dead serious.
Go to bed early. Firday after work stay in bed till Monday morgning. Enjoy 5 days of work. repeat.
Help people , there are many who need help.
What are your hobbies?
I am a decade+ older and in the winding down stage of the second marriage. I was where you were after the first marriage and am coming back to the same place because I jumped into the second one too fast. I also had a serious burnout/depression and spent 3 months medical digging myself out of it by reading the psychology literature and looking for help in many places, some unusual.
So, I am going to say a bunch of things that helped me. The challenge is that maybe they will not seem helpful from exactly where they are, because they may be two or three steps ahead of exactly what you need. But, if the stuff resonates, let me know and I will be happy to give more details over the email. The most important point is, there is a way out. And there is a lot of resources out there to help you to find the way out. But you need to take ownership over it. In the way that works for you. Which is catch-22 right now because you are overwhelmed. But maybe something below will help you to find a direction you can move in and then you add the rest.
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Psychiatrists do not make you better. They get you back to the societal mean. At best. Psychologists may or may not make you better. Actually, they do not make you better. They walk along with you as you make yourself better. They are "the tool" not "the leader". Which opens up a question of whether they are the right tool. I looked at maybe 30 different psychological approaches trying to figure out which one was for me. And, nearly accidentally, discovered John Rowan, who wrote a lot of books on therapy, personal growth, etc. And deep in one of the books, there was a table which split personal positions and therapies into four categories (columns). The table blew my mind. I think it was in the book Personification (ISBN: 9780415433464).
It says that people may be in one of four major places. In first column, they may identify and judge themselves against society and its norms. That's where psychiatrists and psychological approaches like CBT work.
In second column, they want to redefine themselves (I want to be the kind of person who does X - e.g. cooks fancy dishes). So, they have internal resourcing and internal guidance. Gestalt therapy works in there.
In third column, they believe not in society but in external entity. God, angels, tarot, etc. Jungian approach resonates for those people, but so does Tantra, etc.
And, in fourth column, there is non-dual people. Taoism, some Buddhism (Dharmakaya, not Nirmanakaya).
The point is. Do you know which of these are you? I am column 2. And when I understood that, it became easier to see when something was aligned to my solution path and when something was "trying to help" but was using a terminology that was very misaligned to my internal process.
I am guessing your definition of self was coming from your partner before. And now you are still aching for that definition, but it is not available. So, you have roughly four options: 1) Find another source of definition of you, given to you by external sources. New partner, workaholism, group that will gladly take all of your time. That's column 1 solution. 2) Decide to figure out who "you" are. Basically, The Ship of Theseus approach. Decide that "I am the kind of person who is .... (great home chef)" and then do whatever is needed to become that. That's a lot of soul searching. And a lot of scaffolding building. I am doing this right now. I found Existential Therapy approach helpful to think through that. I found Sara Kuburic's book (It's on me, ISBN: 9780593449264) surprisingly good overview for that, as I prefer to do deep work myself. Victor Frankl is existentialist, but I did not find his book that useful, I think the therapy modality that is built on top of philosophy is way more relevant. 3) Decide to lean on external non-societal authority (column 3). Go find a Pegan group, start looking at Astrology, wake up your kundalini snakes, etc. Maybe it will resonate, maybe it will not. 4) Go all Tao or Zen or "it is what it is".
There is a little bit of a cheat. A lot of healing work happens in column 3 spaces. But you need to either resonate with them or find a translation layer to be able to participate. I've been building the later for myself, but it is even more work. Worth it, though.
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You do not know yourself, yet. You need to build your interoception. You need to ask yourself a question of "is this interesting to me" and being able to feel the answer. This may feel strange but it is totally doable. You can start by trying to assign numbers to your anxiety strength on any particular day (I have 1-10 scale with breath stop at 11), but it can get way more nuanced. And the deeper you go into interoception, the more clarity you get. Meditation is one (long) way to go there. But, something like Gendlin's focusing is another. There are some groups online that practice Focusing, some even for free.
Also, Authentic Relating, Circling of various kinds, Ann Weiser Conrell free mini-courses, etc. You could be busy online "present" with people every day of the week.
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You may need to grieve. Or some sort of cathartic release anyway. Again, a bunch of ways to do that, you just need to search for them. Sometimes in weird places. Ecstatic Dances are one way people do that (5Rhythms, etc). Holotropic Breathwork is another. Some online breathing groups, too. Look for groups that are present somehow "as they are", often with music.
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You may need to rebuild social skills and/or play test different personas. Improv is amazing for that. I know a bunch of people with depression or anxiety growing and chilling-out through Improv. That also gives you community. And quite valuable skills (hearing what people actually say; or, on advanced levels, what they don't say). It is a lot more than what it promises on the tin.
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Journaling, especially writing things by hand is very useful. Could be morning pages, could be Progoff's Intensive Journal, could be deep chat with LLM. The reason it works is because when you just think those thoughts, your mind compresses a lot of little steps or even skips them. It runs right past the open doors. When you write them out line by line, your brain both reads what is written and - importantly - stops holding on those thoughts too much, because it trusts the external capture. Even if you then burn that peace of paper.
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I did not touch sexuality and sensuality. Not for this site. But, let's just say, there is a lot out there as well, of all kinds. Not just Tantra.
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There is more. Lots more. A bunch of that is in old books from 1970s on archive.org for free. Bunch of it is kind of 303 or 404 level, you need to get 101 sorted first before you understand the concepts. Rituals, liminal spaces, positive effects of placebo, proximate zone of development, the rabbit hole can go very deep. And, it all can be healing when you have sufficient scaffolding for it. The scaffolding is the key, you need to build it for yourself.
The overall point is, there are many paths forward. You are on a threshold of starting to walk one or more of them (Asking HN is a sign that you are getting ready). Don't see "right now" as a terrible time. See it as an opportunity to figure out who YOU really are, and get that solidified before the next relationship. It is hard work, but it is worthwhile work. I did not do that around your age, and I am back at the ground work point again. I can't stress this point hard enough.
I have been through the exact same thing at the same age.
I'm 40 now.
The last two years, I had to learn how to be alone with myself. How to deal with the ups and downs, and frankly, it was the most difficult yet the most growth I ever had in my life.
I just want to say that I'm in a similar position to you. 32 and divorced my wife a couple of months ago. We had gotten together at 18--I had lived with her my entire adult life, excepting college. Still not completely sure it was the right decision, but I had nagging unhappiness in the relationship that I couldn't seem to solve, even with personal and couple's therapy. I have to remind myself how lonely I felt in my marriage sometimes... solitude can be better than a feeling of rejection or alienation.
This is just to say... it sucks. It's really hard. It seems to get a little bit better over time, but at least right now, I still find it really hard. Some things that help:
1. Claiming the space you live in. Nest. Get some art you like. Put up photos that remind you of the significant relationships you still have, that remind you of good times with others.
2. Exercise. Whenever I'm having a particularly hard day, exercise is a huge reprieve for me. It saps whatever anxious energy I have and channels it into the movement and effort.
3. Observing yourself, the thoughts that crop up to you. "Oh, I'm having thought XXX again. I'm going to put that down for now." The more times you do it, the more it will occur to you that you can. Focus in on your senses, how your body feels. Often, when my mind is anxious or lonely, my body is feeling fine, and I can take some comfort in that.
4. Plans. Make plans with others. Lean into your friendships. Reach out to people more frequently. And, importantly LEAN INTO VULNERABILITY! If you're a man, like me, you might have put a lot of your "intimacy" eggs into one basket--your partner. Try to build these kinds of relationships with others. It won't always work, sometimes you'll face implicit or explicit rejection, but when it does, you'll find your friendships deepen. A lot more people are looking for this than you might expect.
5. Creative and emotional outlets (related). Journaling helps to ground, and somehow the act of writing to myself makes me feel less alone. Poetry and music have been great for expressing some of the pain. The act of creating can be very satisfying, and it's a solitary activity, for the most part.
6. Do nice things for yourself. Keep your place looking nice. Buy yourself things you might want. When you cook dinner, put out a place mat and eat at the table and light a candle--do things you would have done while you were partnered. Treat yourself like you're your own partner.
7. Read things that keep your mind engaged. I don't know about you, but one of the worst things about being alone for me is a tendency to ruminate when my mind isn't busy. Go over regrets, what I could have done differently, whether I made the right decision. One of the best ways to avoid this, for me, is to have books I'm reading that engage my brain when I'm not busy, in thinking over the material that I've read.
Some don'ts:
1. Rebound. I hooked up with a good friend about 2 weeks after divorcing. It got intense quickly (there had already been feelings) and then it crashed and burned (all within a month). I wasn't ready; she wasn't ready. Now we're trying to renormalize back into friendship, but it seems some damage was done. And now I'm carrying two losses in a way that's confusing and just amplifies things. That said, I had received this advice on all sides and didn't follow it... so why would I expect anyone else to? All this is to say, it's probably good to be "okay" with being alone (even if you don't want to be forever) before launching into something else.
2. Careful with substances. It's easy to get into the habit of drinking a bit every night (or at least it was for me), though tbh this had become a problem before the divorce too, since it was occupying me so much... But even in reasonable amounts, it adds up, makes your mood lower, makes the process of moving on and building a new life harder. I imagine the same applies for weed or practically anything else.
3. Social media. Looking at pictures of happy couples, seeing all the things others are doing, or brain rotting watching reels--none of these will make you feel better, but an app on your phone is super easy to reach for when you're feeling lonely as a form of dissociation.
> Everything feels hollow now.
I'm slightly younger than you are but I remember how video games and sitting in front of my computer made me feel like this. You asked how to be willing to be alone but I will pivot my answer here that maybe you don't have to be alone? If you don't want to be alone here are the steps I would take nowadays.
I would recommend finding a improv class. This helps you to get used to laugh to yourself and make a fool of yourself. Also the people attending improv classes are more open in general. When you are more comfortable with these feelings then it becomes easier to open up a conversation with strangers. First times it feels awkward but you can frame the narrative that this is just you learning social skills and your body adapting to the new situation. When you do this enough it becomes easier to find new people into your life. You might feel creepy and they might feel that you're creepy but it becomes easier when you practice. Be open about your learning: "Sorry if I'm bothering you. I'm trying to learn how to speak to others. How is your day going?"
If the chit-chat goes well ask them for coffee or a lunch or if they want to join you for a walk with your dog. Strangers often ask if they can pet my dog when walking in the public with her. Put your focus into them rather than your feelings. Ask how their day has been. Ask how do they spend their time. Ask follow up questions: "Oh you like knitting? It reminds me of my Grandma. Are your granparents still alive? How often do you see them?". This way other people feel that you are actually paying attention and it helps you to connect with them.
Read also this one: https://www.experimental-history.com/p/good-conversations-ha...
Learn how to use your calendar and start planning stuff together with the people you meet. Most of the people are just self-centered and want to have someone who would listen to them. If you provide this for them you will find people who are interested in your company. Hopefully eventually you will meet also few people who will listen to you as well.
When you start having more friends/acquaintances the hollow feeling did go away for me. The hollow feeling still comes every now and then but I've somehow accidentally built a routine that when it comes I will reach my phone and suggest something to do for my friends.
YMMV but for me it has been a long journey but definitely worth it and doable for others if they can endure the anxiety during the way. Also remember to sleep/eat/excercise in addition like others said. When you don't everything else falls apart.
This will get downvoted to oblivion, but consider a major change: enlist in the military, sign up for a stint on a commercial fishing vessel, or go work as a firefighter. You will have tons of time with other people, even live with them for extended periods, but they will also tend to respect your space.
If you're intersted in (local) politics, join the local chapter of your favorite political party. Not sure where you live obviously, but in my experience, local political chapters do a lot of community work and events where you're together with other members, etc. And obviously there's already a common interest, so it's a great place to get to meet new people.
At the same time, you will being contributing more to a better democracy in your country!
Opportunity to cultivate one’s interior life:
https://www.ecatholic2000.com/lagrange/interior1/interior.sh...
https://www.ecatholic2000.com/lagrange/interior2/interior2.s...
There may be a 24/7, or frequently open, adoration chapel nearby to you. Maybe you could make a daily trip to spend a little time (a “holy hour”) with Christ present with us on earth in the Blessed Sacrament?
> but it feels empty
> Everything feels hollow
> antidepressants
I presume you already know this, but it may be worth reminding that the typical effect of antidepressants is to make people feel blank. It erases the negative, but also the positive.
My mother died 2 years ago and a couple of months ago I lost my job. I don't have any friends and have no family left. I tried antidepressants, but I don't believe in chemical help anymore. I read self-help books like "Feeling Good".
I take care of the house, walk the dog, apply to jobs, go swimming twice a week. I won't starve. If I don't find a job soon I might go back to school and go into teaching.
Main question here - are you a male or a female? Advice will be totally different.
I deal with loneliness the same way I'd deal with any addiction. I tell myself I just need to get through one minute at a time, then one hour and then one day. It's not even a whole 24h, I only have to be awake for 16h and I can get through that. Tomorrow doesn't matter, because I might not have to wake up again. If I do, I'll handle it then.
This allows me to not add any further worry/anxiety/pain to the day. when it hurts, I get by, and when the pain stops for a few hours, I enjoy the things I have available to me - walks on the beach, substance abuse (chocolate), reading, watching TV. I tend to watch the same shows over and over, it's almost like having friends, but they never leave. I do try to talk to one human being at least once a week even if it's online, just to make sure my voice still works. It's important to realise that nothing really matters in the end. There's no viva committee at the end that will pass/fail you. Serving your time on earth is the only thing that matters. Once the time is passed, you never have to serve it again.
Hi dude, sorry about this. Hope it is for the better.
What you are feeling is absolutely natural. If you lost somebody in your life(parents, grandparents), which you shared a lot of time with and enjoyed sharing your upsides and downsides, you'll feel like somebody took a part of you.
Whether that person was good for you or not, we have chemicals in our brains that want us to have friends and company, as this is what made our species be so successful! So, no need to overthink this, your brain is working exactly as it should.
As you like playing games, I'd recommend getting a copy of WoW Midnight, which just launched and giving it a try. It's a very sociable game and your first goal should be to get in a guild and find new friendships.
As everybody is 30+ in the game and actually average around your age, it'll be easy for you to find similar people to you.
My second recommendation is to look at your own interests, even stuff you left behind because of your partner.
For instance, I like climbing and even going bouldering solo might mean I'll make some friends along the way.
You need to do things that get you together with people. People will help you get healed.
Also if the climate allows take your dog for a walk to the park and try to consistently spend time there. This will net you company very quickly, but don't go so fast, let things take time.
I hope you find peace in your heart!
Imagine how hard it is for me to understand you, because I moved out from my parents and was always alone.
Need a buddy?
What used to be on the domain in your bio?
You need a therapist - someone to help you through.
I am kind of put off by your description of your psychiatrist.
No, it's not a great psychiatrist when they subscribe you drugs to "fix" things. Drugs should be the very last resort. A psychiatrists' role is to help you with self debugging your memories and to help you put them into a context that you can understand easier. They should be a guide for dealing with emotional trauma and help you process and understand the loops that make you feel helpless, and to help you understand the moments that were out of your control.
Please, OP, find a psychiatrist where you feel safe to share, and that helps you to deal with the emotional loss. Swallowing it up because society expects you to be a "man" is unhealthy behavior, and carrying over trauma into your next relationship is unfair to the other/next person in your life.
Other than that, my advice would be to write a list of things you always wanted to do. And just do them. Find out what you are passionate about and what makes you happy.
Find a sport to keep your biological machine maintained, and find the thing you care about the most. There is a lot of problems in our society to get involved with. If there is no community around the things you care about, then found one and invite others to join.
You are not as alone as you think, you just stopped reaching out.
You should travel, the whole point of being remote is to enjoy life without being tagged to a location, since you have pets depending on how comfortable you are with them being in hostels you should definitely be traveling a lot more and then be able to meet folks and have a more filling life, start local and then go abroad often
Converse: How to not be alone without putting up with people you shouldn't?
I love being alone as long as I have a couple of the friends to talk to a couple of times a week.
It's actually my ideal setup.
However I'm lucky enough to have some friends I can just chat with occasionally which makes all the difference.
When I was truly alone it was rough.
I feel like making friends is somewhat of a part-time job at first. You just got to do whatever you can to get around people.
A warning: predator type people can also sense vulnerable lonely people so don't just make friends with anyone who will be friends with you right away. Be vary careful and if you get a sense that something isn't right don't let the pain of loneliness override your safety.
Board sports. Longboard, skateboard, surfskate, etc
Leave your house every single day and don’t go back home until you’ve talked to 10 people you don’t know. Say yes to any social invitation you receive no matter how much you don’t want to do it. Never flake on anything.
I had a very positive experience volunteering in retirement homes. The work mostly involved talking with the residents. Many of them often have no one to talk to and very little happening in their lives, so almost any conversation is interesting to them. You can learn a lot from them, have someone genuinely interested in you, and do a good deed at the same time.
reinvest in your relationships with friends and family. they may have been neglected during your relationship.
I have the opposite problem. Spending time with people is difficult for a few years now. Even though I was born in the west and have only known this world. Now I will be leaving the west soon.
Something I’ve wanted to do for reasons for 1-2 years. I will usually say it’s because of my finances/possible recession. That is a helpful practical benefit. Reasons due to a series of life events that “broke” my worldview during and right after the pandemic causing this [purposeful] loner situation are the actual reasons.
I wish I didn’t feel this way. It sucks never wanting to talk or hang out with the remaining people I am in touch with.
Well it sounds like you miss this other person. If they're still alive I would probably try to talk to them, explain your feelings and and let them know you want them back.
If the person is no longer alive then you need to allow yourself to grieve. You can allow yourself to revisit past times in your mind. You can keep their memory alive in your mind.
If the person broke up with you and doesn't want to get back together then try to focus on their negative personality traits. Nobody is perfect and you can surely find things that you are glad you don't have to put up with anymore. Focus on those things. Worst case, focus on how badly they treated you and reflect on what it says about their character... Maybe that will make them look less appealing. My experience is that when someone mistreats me (or others) in any way, it creates a natural deep dislike for them. Maybe focus on that.
Life is rarely fully comfortable. You're almost always dealing with something. The key is to not focus on the things that make it worse.
> Everything feels hollow now
I feel the same way sometimes (most times?)
> In many ways it feels like being imprisoned, except at least in prison there are other inmates to socialize with. "Solitary confinement with internet" is probably a better analogy.
To me this feels more like shouting in the void type of feeling at times. Like no matter what I say on this forum or that, the chances of real change from it stems unlikely :/
The world is in a depressing mood right now so I'd recommend to shut off news for some time if it troubles ya (genuine suggestion) and my friend, use a hackernews filter to block news related or AI related things as well. I suppose, just have some interesting cool facts that get shared on HN or something cool tech related! (I need to follow this...)
Another point, Just take things slow. Human mind desires intimacy and friendships and our brains are simply not designed for isolation for the most part. (I had written more part but it just felt like talking what I was feeling which was good to write personally but would've been hard for others to read and maybe get something nice out of so I have removed it now)
So what I am saying is:
1. have patience with yourself even if it feels hard, you are doing great by talking with us as I am telling you that you aren't alone in this struggle and I want you to please just do small steps towards just interacting with people in a more positive light. Maybe make the spirit as tomorrow's gonna be a brand new day :D
2. Use study-together Discord server (This is something that I personally used) or any place essentially where you can find people who are working when you are working and some of whom are relaxing when you are relaxing. This allows some talks in middle of just normal stuff. Maybe there can be a work-together community too I am not sure.
Anecdotally, I have found the idea being that this problem is within us. This is actually good because we can actually solve the problem (to some degree) and we have control. The freedom is also scary especially for someone like me who lacks discipline/patience at times but yeah.
Recently I had felt so alone in my head like completely alone sometime sort-of and then I had a marriage of my cousin and within just 3 days, I felt so connected. I danced so much that I lost track of my breath or even what's going on. I just danced :D, Perhaps there can be some event where you can just give every part of frustration into something external and feel happy as I did with my cousin's marriage? [Not that things are doing extremely better now but for short term, it was so absolutely good]
A lot of that joy came because like, I was myself and people appreciated me for it. Like even in hackernews or like whatever idk, I try to be myself but still feel short sometimes. Like the idea of greed even maybe of wanting more but I don't think that Internet or IRC can completely substitute but rather alleviate in the sense of making friends.
I am experimenting with some new things on the internet though. Anything which makes me feel passionate actually.
Another Idea I wish to say is that perhaps you are trying to replace the intimacy with Internet or Gaming or any hobby. That's completely okay and I have sort of done that but I have found some sort of same feelings as you lingering when I try to do that. I think they still linger and some feelings of acceptance , as harsh as it sounds feels like the stoic way to approach. These are your feelings tho and you are correct feeling them but just acknowledge them and try to co-operate with them and work with them and maybe you can figure something out. I am sure.
(I usually start these messages with saying I am 17 or something, but this time I'd rather end with saying it. So right now, I absolutely get the idea of high school sweetheart and so I imagine that and the situation that you are talking about 20 years later. That's almost my entire age, It's entirely true that its gonna take some time to adjust. It means that you cared, cared enough that you are bothered by its lack. You are human. Have patience sir and with the patience , try new things which make you feel alive. Not necessarily something risk taking but suppose even a good game of chess in real life with pieces moving and people watching makes one feel alive. Here's a hug and you aren't alone, I suppose everyone feels lonely online in some capacity. Connected yet disconnected. I am trying out some new yet old things on internet like sharing links) but that's not really the point to bring back some control but yeah. It's 3 Am and I have spent around an ~hour when I have a maths test tomorrow :)
I sort of believe that every generation has some loneliness when you think about it so I also think that there are people who are likely to give you perspectives and help you out who are far more knowledgable than me. I might have to go sleep now as I am unable to write anything which can be more useful for ya even though I have tried.
I wish you to have a nice day, sir
The onset of the pandemic in 2020 left me more isolated than I'd even been before in my life. I was single, I was working remotely, and the lock-downs finally killed what was left of my preexisting friend group. I have a naturally solitary disposition, but even for me, it was hard.
Here are some coping strategies you can apply right away:
→ Listen to podcasts, especially podcasts in a chatty & informal style. It really helps to just hear people talking. If you're looking for recommendations, I'm very fond of If Books Could Kill.
→ A lot of podcasts have Discord servers associated with them, where fans of the show congregate & talk. Sometimes you have to pay a couple bucks on Patreon to get access. These can be good places to go for a very easy, low-effort social space. You can keep it open on another monitor & let it serve as background chatter that you can dip into at any time.
→ Do stuff. Go to museums, go to movies, go to dinner. Some people have hangups about (e.g.) eating at restaurants alone, but you must overcome this psychological hurdle immediately. You will feel much more alive if you go outside.
→ Read a book. If it doesn't grab you, then set it down and start another. Beauty is good for the soul, and the wonderful thing about a paperback novel is that, unlike TV and movies, you cannot pull out your phone and multitask. With practice, you can stay immersed in a text for longer & longer periods of time. Eventually, a good novel will be able to eat up your whole weekend and leave you feeling great afterwards.
→ Start a journal. Without an intimate partner to talk to, it can feel like your head is heavy with half-formed thoughts that you just can't get rid of. Getting them down on paper is almost as good as voicing them to another person. The podcasts are nice, but spending all your time listening to podcasts can gradually teach you to be uncomfortable when left with your own thoughts. Keeping a journal helps you stay on good terms with yourself. I can't recommend it enough.
Now I'll get into some longer-term lifestyle changes. These can take a while to come to fruition and may require leaving your comfort zone, but they're worthwhile.
→ For me, there is nothing better for my mental health than a 90-minute park run on a breezy day in late spring. Even a 30-minute stint on a treadmill in the dead of winter will clear my mind. I don't know what your relationship to exercise is, so I can't really call this a quick fix, but think about ways to incorporate exercise into your routine in ways that you'll enjoy. Personally, I suggest running.
→ There's a broad stratum of fun social events designed for meeting people and developing shared hobbies. Pottery classes, choir programs, ultimate frisbee. You pay a couple hundred bucks to sign up, then you go to the event on Thursday nights and maybe get drinks with some of the other members afterwards. You won't be best friends right away, and you'll probably never get that close with most of them, but having a loose community like this is nice, and if you stay in contact with people after the course ends, you may take away some lasting friendships.
→ Undertake a creative project. I wrote a novel during the pandemic. It sucked, but I put a lot of time and love into it and I really felt like I did something. (The trouble with writing a novel, of course, is that nobody will want to read it. If you're smarter than me, you'll pick up something like painting, which produces stuff you can hang up, show off, and give away. Pottery and music I mentioned earlier, but I'll mention them here again.) Creativity is extremely fulfilling. It takes time to feel like you're producing anything valuable, but when you do, it'll mean a lot.
As weird or hard as it sounds, you need to embrace being alone. That doesn't mean you shouldn't try to expose yourself to situations where you meet people or think about how you spend your time (may I suggest: limit internet/computer time). It just means you should enjoy the positives that come with being alone and avoid seeing it as a shameful thing you need to distract yourself from. Other people in other circumstances never get a chance to be for themselves and have the reflection and thoughts this allows for. You are with yourself and that is hard and frightening, but also a chance to come to terms with yourself. From your description it is pretty clear thst this is probably something you need to do.
Get something to care for, plants for example. If you need inspiration on a deeper level consider watching Perfect Days by Wim Wenders. Don't read too much about it before. It is one of those films that gave me a new perspective on things, may it do the same for you. To find joy in the simple things and go through your day in dignity.
> I have a great psychiatrist who has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers.
One of the things that has happened to be several times on different meds is a compression of emotional peaks and valleys.
The highs don't feel nearly as high but the lows don't feel as low, either.
This situation for you is going to take a lot of time to work through.
I wish you the best of luck.
Dating sites and online are not going to make you feel better so don't expect anything from that. 38 is young for a guy, and I met plenty of women in my 40s (in real life) who would have made a a good couple with.
I went through a similar experience with a high school sweetheart. I am in my thirties. I focus heavily on being a father now (maybe too much), and it’s extremely rewarding. I picked up guitar and took lessons, was introduced to a beginner cover band, and met friends through that. The gym is another big one. For me, exercise makes me feel better mentally in a noticeable lasting way. My advice is to pick up a hard hobby you really enjoy and finding places where people doing that thing would be.
By rethinking everything about yourself and your relationship to the World as a whole.
I live alone with a hermit-like lifestyle (even though i live in the middle of a big city) and so perhaps my advice may be of some use.
Read Philosophy, Read Psychology and orient your entire Worldview accordingly. This is very important; you cannot choose solitude while thinking and longing for external socializations/validations. Self-Denial and Self-Control are the key attitudes to practice. A complete framework/discipline like Patanjali Ashtanga Yoga is a good one to follow.
Keep Body Active, Maintain proper Diet and Sleep. Whenever you feel down/depressed get out and walk (or do any physical activity). Become aware of what in the environment triggers your "loneliness" and consciously move away from it.
When you go to the grocery store/coffee shop/restaurant/etc. converse/joke/laugh with the employees/customers there since that is your much needed essential "socialization" fix. Understand how the self uses social-surrogates to satisfy its social needs eg. social media.
The key idea is that you limit socialization/interaction to the absolute essentials i.e. to that which is impelled by nature.
Also Mind and Body are one and so problems can be solved by approaching them via both avenues. This is why motion/exercise is so good for the mind.
Cultivate total Zen-like "mindfulness in the present" so that your mind forgets the self and is fully occupied in any activity you are engaged in which could be as mundane as house-cleaning/dishwashing/etc.
Live in the present, with your consciousness externalized momentarily but without any effort; when the mind stops linking itself to the past and to the future, it becomes no-mind. If from moment to moment your mind dwells on what is and drops it effortlessly at once [just before moving on to something else], the mind becomes no-mind, full of purity.
-- Yoga Vasistha
PS: Some of my previous comments which are relevant here - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=40978488 , https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=44987175 , https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=41538322 , https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=29777785 , https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=32918811
don't problematize it. you get target lock from that and it will derail you from the things you enjoy.
the real questions are:
- what would you like? - what would you do if you wouldn't fail?
I live in the proverbial cottage in the woods, have for years now, more Thoreau's Walden than Kaczinsky's cabin by far. The solitude is the most precious thing.
I chop a lot of wood, practice classical music, walk my dog and ride horses. I sit by a fire year round a couple times a week. Some years I do a garden. I'm in constant training in arts.
I also have a pretty intense job (security) that benefits from being able to walk and have lunch by the river in a forest.
The things I tend to avoid because they are degrading to the human spirit are:
- political accounts
- dating sites
- mainstream news
- social media
- exurbs
- franchises or big box anything
- microsoft anything
- shelf stable foods
it's only a problem if you make it one.
There are many people that feel this way. I think one has to take the initiative, has to go somewhere, in real life, where other people are and the the conditions are right for getting to know people. Computer Games or IRC are just a weak substitute. Turn off the PC, go out. Give other people the chance to meet you. Go to (local) events, concerts, sports, anything where other people are. It doesn't really matter what, anything that doesn't bore you. Try things. Opportunities will come. Then take them.
Here are a couple of things I did where I got into contact with others naturally or where conversation with strangers developed easily. I think such activities or places can generate opportunities for a start of something that could be developed further.
Getting a gig as an extra in a film production. I registered with a free extras agency. They semi-regularly ask for availability, mostly for 1 full day, paying minimum wage. I've been on a couple of shoots, and there's always a longer wait time (hours) and a bunch of other extras to talk to. The people there are very diverse and very friendly: students, people of various ages, professions and education, locals, foreigners. They often strike up a conversation because there is really no other thing to do besides looking at your phone. It's very easy to start talking with people there; one can start commenting on the costumes, the set, the project, and the past extra experiences, then segue to what they do in real life. Often when shooting, we get paired up or grouped with people, which is another opportunity to chat casually, because there are also wait times between shots. I've met nice and interesting people there. Some are also there because they are lonely.
I think this has key elements that one might look for in other potential activities: - common location in the real world - people are open to talk - multiple people - natural topics to start a conversation, commonalities - no expectations, relaxed atmosphere, no pressure, informal
Other examples: Going alone to an outdoor basketball court in a public park, shooting hoops. I got asked to play in pick-up games. When having a break, a conversation can happen naturally.
Going to a park, playing soccer on a little pitch alone (taking some shots at the goal, dribbling). Some young kids also came onto the pitch, and I asked them if they wanted to make teams and play a match. At a break, a woman, who must have watched, came to me to ask me what my profession is. She said she thought I was in education because I was good with the kids. I think she might have flirted with me.
I know a person coming from another country, not really knowing anybody here. Now she has more friends and social contacts than anyone else I know. Besides her work acquaintances from her job training and job here, she actively looked for potential friendships on apps (Bumble BFF) and also was successful there. She also goes to dancing class and to meetings of a kind of Free Church, where they mostly talk about non-religious topics and help each other out. She often gets invited to birthday parties, weddings, etc., where she meets new people.
While going by train, in an almost empty cart, a guy I didn't know started a conversation with me. We talked for an hour. I think if I had asked him if he wanted to meet for another chat, he would have agreed.
Book recommendations:
Dale Carnegie: "How to Win Friends and Influence People"
Viktor Frankl: "Man's Search for Meaning"
Good Luck.
>There are a few parts to the difficulty. One is that when I have something to say about my day, there's nowhere to say it; no one on HN cares whether I fixed up the blinds or cooked pork steaks. I hang out in an IRC chatroom for that, but sometimes nobody's around for hours.
I wasn't necessarily gonna reply to this thread, but you struck a chord with me here. I spend a lot of time on IRC myself. I would say branch out to more channels and/or invite more people to your usual channel. I have some IRC friends I like more than others, but pretty much around the clock someone is around. The Finns, the Poles, the Brits, the Americans/Canadians, not to mention the NEETs and night owls with shifting schedules who could pop up at any time. Sometimes there are lulls and I'll write 20 lines in a row talking to myself, and maybe I'll have moments where it feels pointless or like I'm going crazy, but then one of the lads wakes up a few hours later and starts replying to stuff and everything is fun and exciting again. Find a way to stick out the lows, and make the highs more common.
As for no one caring, someone probably cares at least a little. Maybe they prefer to lurk, maybe they're busy, maybe they feel weird replying for some reason. There's probably someone who'd miss you if you stopped posting for a while. I know I find myself doing a .seen (bot command) on a handful of nicks throughout the day if they haven't posted in a while, or cycling through some saved quotes with the bot to get some conversations going again. I try not to spend all my free time chatting because I do have things I want to watch and play also, but IRC is hugely important in my life for sure, as someone who doesn't get out much, and frankly doesn't like to get out much either.
As for games, YMMV but after a long multi-year break from games, I found fun in them again by approaching them a bit differently. No more shooters (first/third person) since I think the genre is extremely oversaturated and tired, plus I played too many in the past, keep the game count per month low, aim to get all the achievements if possible, and if all is on track, switch games at the start of a new month. I basically deep-dive into every game that I decide to play and get to know it quite well. It's fun then to write a review at the end of the month as well. I stick mostly to games which are either singleplayer or still fun when played singleplayer. I do not want to play anything that relies on other people to be any good, there's too much room for failure. I try to avoid AAA or FotM stuff. I'll resist using the word but I don't play games like Peak or Lethal Company. I end up saying no to most games suggested to me, or delaying trying out a game for a few months because I'm in the middle of another game, or already have the next game or two picked out. I find this a lot more fulfilling than jumping between 10 games in a day, feeling bored and aimless, never finishing anything.
I don't know how you feel about anime, but you could pick out some seasonal anime and keep up with it as it airs. MAL and LiveChart have the season charts. Gives you reason to look forward to particular days of the week, and the shows all have clear ends, giving you lots of stopping points. Optionally you can read/participate in episode discussions afterward. Watching a really good episode of anime is one of the best feelings.
I started going to tech meetups in the nearest large city. The tech scene is utter crap there compared to SF or Boston but I get to interact with a few smart, like-minded people almost each week. My wife says it's been good for me.
Marrying the right person helped. I'm quite in the opposite situation from you: I married for the first time in my mid-40s. I know what it's like to be alone, and to an extent I grew comfortable with it. Now that there's someone in my life, I'm all in disarray. That's not a bad thing, as I've been forced to grow to become worthy of this: two humans, six nonhuman animals, love filling the house.
Can confirm the tech scene is utter crap here but bitwize and his wife are cracking good company.
I have had very varying experiences with suggestions (or talking to someone) about these kinds of changes in life and how to deal with them. Most of the times what I have to say has been met with resistance (sometimes even some sort of resentment or confrontation, or a mix of the two). Why is that? No, not because I consider that they thought I was being a jerk or flippant. But because they had considered certain things undoable, or they didn't do them before, and didn't want to change that and hence when I suggested exactly those things to do in life (or in some cases 'not do') it was considered of no use, being repetitive, clichéd. Of course, by saying this as the leading text in my comment it might look like I am saying OP might be that, but I am not saying that. What I am going to say is - in such a case of OP exactly those things help, what many have actually listed below, and that's why they are cliched and repitive (again, because they work), and can be summed up as:
1. Physical activities as a routine
2. Going out (regularly but maybe not as a routine)
3. A physically engaging hobby that involves someone else and something tangible (besides the two mentioned above)
4. Pickup an intellectually engaging hobby (may or may not involve others)
I shall expand a bit on these (but this will mostly be a huge text wall).
By [1], I mean giving your body the physical exercise it literally "requires" (yup, for us humans it's not a choice, but many of the capable us don't do/get that). Gym is the easiest and helps a lot. Better still, pick up a sport - actually, what works best is doing the two, as one helps and accentuates the other.
If someone is looking for a short, readymade "first to try" list, here's one: gym, running, or/and a racket sport.
Very important: if you have the means and money, consider joining a coaching program to begin with. It's a game changer (no pun intended), and that includes a non-"typical gym-bro/gal" gym trainer.
The [2] is not "let's go out" kind of going out - but just physically stepping out (regularly!!) of your house or usual comfort zone spots - for walks, backpacking trips, travels, treks, camping, hiking, window shopping, attending plays, films in cinemas, puppet shows, bookstores, museums, music shows, comedy shows, get those perfect walking leather shoes for yourself and go around the stores trying to find that and be disappointed that the perfect hasn't been made yet (if you find it, then great).. and so on. You get the gist.
The [3] and [4] are somewhat similar, and I wouldn't regurgitate a lot about that. But just a few examples (you pick your own): for [3], learn to play guitar/cello/violin/drum/some shit/explore - do this under a tutor; and for [4]: pickup reading (may or may not be a reading group), world cinema (a cine club maybe), writing literature (for your diary, you don't have to plan to publish; though you can join a group for sharing if you want). Etc.
None of these is going to happen in a day. But you might not want to make these a months-long research and execution project either. Give it a few days to a few weeks. It's perfectly fine to switch, get bored, move from one to another, get frustrated, try something else, something entirely diagonal, and get disillusioned, but keep trying, keep exploring.
Saying it again, try to get trainers/guides/tutors/groups wherever needed or can. If nothing else, it helps with getting good at something in somewhat shorter time and helps you avoid unlearning a lot of basic things later, and since you are older (as in not a kid or teen), this could be a tad bit more productive, especially in sticking with it.
For me, the point of "how to be alone" is very different from "how to be lonely" (which I doubt anyone wants or hopes so, at least I don't). These engagements give you the bare minimum to sufficient human exposure without having to "socialise" and set you up to be perfectly fine being alone, at least in the short term, and slowly opening up paths for you, giving you some road to decide what turns you want to take in life over time and get back hold of things.
(From your story, it's clear I am not from your geography/culture/etc., so if something seems very weird/odd for you, please note where/why it might be coming from.)
Good luck.
I have been alone for quite some time in my life, for various reasons.
Here is my advice
1. Don’t listen to people telling you that there‘s something wrong with you if you aren’t happy alone and that you need therapy. You probably don‘t.
If you aren’t able to survive a single day on your own, then you have an issue, but in general people are social animals and need talking to and touching other people on a regular basis to regulate themselves emotionally. Some don’t, but you don‘t seem to be one of them. (In my experience people who honestly enjoy being alone for weeks at end often got used to this in their childhood, for example by being single children. If you had a noisy, lively house when growing up you will always miss that.)
2. That being said it is still nourishing and useful to follow the tips for spending time on your own (cooking for yourself, going into the cinema) now and then. But don‘t expect it to magically fix your yearning for social connections.
3. Doing sports and going to the gym often is great advice, because sports generally gives you a more positive mood and a better outlook and it quiets down negative thoughts. But also keep in mind here that it will not replace social interactions and touch.
4. So the question remains where you get your social interaction from, and I suggest that you replace the single person you had with a lot of tiny social interactions.
None of those is going to fix your solitude on it’s own, but the mixture will enrich your life. If you do all of those things once per week, your mood will improve:
- Online dating and chatting with friends (but don’t expect anything to come out of it)
- Dancing classes (this is especially great because you get the physical touch component)
- Regular coffee/dinner dates (1-2 per week) with a friend, coworker or relative.
- Going for a walk and talking to a random stranger
- Singing in a choir or similar hobbies
- Going to pubquizzes or free to join community walks
- Commuting to the office instead of doing home office.
5. I won‘t argue against your psychiatrist, but I find that medication is only useful in a minority of cases. Both anti depressants and anti anxiety meds can actually reduce your motivation to go out, by mellowing you into a not-great-not-terrible dreamy state.
6. Don‘t start rummaging and contemplating your thoughts when you are lonely. Being lonely makes you weird: https://arstechnica.com/science/2023/07/lonely-people-see-th...
It's tough, and I must admit the times I've lived on my own for any length of time weren't always easy. I've done it twice.
First time I realised I was spiralling a bit and looked for a form of exercise I enjoyed, which was cycling, and getting into that, doing long-ish rides every so often, it really helped my outlook, I got a little fitter and it made me feel more positive. There are also cycling groups in most places that you can join, that make it more of a social activity, some more relaxed than others. It doesn't need to be cycling, but some sort of stimulating activity is always good, even better if it can casually involve other people.
Second time, I just spiralled into drinking too much, too often, and it wasn't healthy. So, you know, I'm only so good at following my own advice.
You've already identified the cliches - 'get a hobby' being a big one, but the thing is they are clichess for a reason. If you can find something that interest you outside of the house, you'll probably naturally meet people while doing it, get some interaction and improve your mood.
You could look into volunteering things that are going on in your local community. My local community does a 'planting day' each year where volunteers plant shrubs and trees in an area undergoing regeneration. There's some light socialising, you're doing something useful, it's good for you. They do various other volunteer days throughout the year, and they aren't a big, regular commitment that way.
I love games too, but IMHO they're really good as respite from other things, not as a replacement for social interactions.
As someone who has been alone in some deeply dark places, I'll share what's worked for me - YMMV.
* You gotta force yourself out. There's no trick, you just gotta fuckin' do it. It's hard. It sucks. You've also gotta do it if only to make sure you're varying your day and creating the opportunity for chance encounters. I spent fifteen months bottled up alone and it was only through the good graces of friends that I didn't...yeah.
* Eat out more, specifically for the human interaction. Find a local restaurant with a good deal on food (like a happy hour), and head there once a week for a meal you didn't make, and to be surrounded by strangers. Even just a "Yes Sir/Ma'am" and similar pleasantries will help, weirdly enough, because it's direct human contact. If there's a trivia night, even better - Buffalo Wild Wings was my brief go-to for that sort of thing.
* You gotta learn to love yourself, somehow. If there's an aspect you don't like, set about fixing it. For me, it was weight and my soft skills, so I worked on both in the time I could with the energy I had. Being alone means if you don't like yourself, you're never going to be in good spirits.
* You're also not really alone, depending on perspective. Setup a bird feeder and just sit and watch it. Talk to the wildlife, silly as that sounds. Your pets help, but they're "at home", while the rest of the world is decidedly not "at home". You gotta get out of the home if you don't want to be alone.
* You mentioned playing games, and I'll add that's actually what kept me sane during those fifteen months of solo unemployment. I joined a multiplayer game server community, worked my way into administration, made friends, ran events. Gaming can be a form of community if it's intentional, i.e. not just joining random lobbies to kill time.
Look, as someone still single at 39 (but blessedly living with my best friends), being alone sucks ass. There's no way around that, even for someone who generally enjoys their solitude. Lacking the warmth and intimacy of another person is debilitating in a way nothing else is, at least to me, but friends do help in their own way. We cook for each other, share our days, treat one another when we're dour, and do what we can to lift others up. So maybe I'm suggesting you reach out to other friends you may have in similar boats, see if they'd like to spend more time together.
Beyond that, some life lessons I've learned since I had more folks come into my life, that I use when I'm feeling alone or lonely again:
* Go to a city at night, downtown ideally. I look around at the empty buildings, the changing lights, the abandoned sidewalks. I remind myself I'm one of eight and a half billion people, on a single planet in a vast galaxy, itself a small part of an immense universe. Weirdly enough, the smallness of being helps me feel less alone, knowing how lucky I am to be amidst all this, right now.
* After the above, I grab a burger and a milkshake, because I deserve it.
* Pop in some earbuds, go outside for a walk, and dance. Fuck the onlookers, just exist for a moment outside your home. Prove to everyone else you're still here.
* VRChat has been damn helpful. Pop on my headset, drop into an avatar that reflects me in the moment, and world hop. Nobody judges what you do in VR, provided you're not breaking instance rules, and there's so many people there to hang out with, all while staying home. It legit got me through COVID.
* Run a game night! Gathering around Jackbox from every corner of the globe for an hour or two of weekly shitposting also got us all through COVID. Just make sure to all be in voice chat or video conferencing to rib one another.
As tired and cliche as this is, the last point I'll say is that this is exactly what the prior phase of your life was: a chapter. Chapters have endings, and this one is no different. Prepare for the long haul, but hopefully you find someone - and something - better, sooner. You're not alone in being alone, but you'll remain alone only as long as you choose to be alone.
Get out there. Force social interactions. Build those muscles.
You got this.
Just ended up in a very similar situation at the end of 2024. My mother and I lived together for quite a long time after my parents split in the late 90s. We were both broke as fuck, so we took care of each other through the years. Splitting rent and groceries and shit. Just scraping by. We were good friends and roommates, even if we bickered all the time. Towards the end of the 2010s her health started going downhill fast, putting me in a caretaker role, until it came to a head in 2024 and she passed on US election night.
She was in the hospital for a fall, and it just kind of spiraled. A week later she passed.
And suddenly, just like that, I was alone after 40+ years.
I have IRL friends, but they don't live close by. We meet up semi-regularly for lunch. I've been putting events on my calendar to have at least SOMETHING to attend every month. Trying to travel more. Do stuff that was impractical to do as a caretaker.
But the day to day... I'm "lucky" because I'm a coder, gamer, etc. A great deal of my day job and off time is, well, computer shit.
And it gets to me, for the first time in my life. Like, I've literally had the words "How do single people... live?" pop up into my head on numerous occasions... how do I "do a human", if you will.
Been a year so far, and I still don't know. Just taking it a day at a time. I try to fill the void with exercise, trying to get fit. Probably going to explore cooking at some point. I found a love of hiking late last year and found out I had a whole bunch of great trails nearby that I never even knew about. I try to attend protests. Hang at the library a bit. Check the local events calendar (rarely anything interesting to me, but I try). Took a firearm safety course. My big one last year was taking the train into NYC to visit the Statue of Liberty -- that was a blast. Had to teach myself how to use the subway and stuff. Local comic book conventions are another fun stop.
Stuff like that. Scattered, random stuff of interest and within means.
But I do find myself struggling to make the effort just for me, you know? Like, I want to do this stuff, but I want to do it WITH someone. I don't even mean that in a romantic sense -- just another person in general. Because if it's just "me", it's a lot tougher to justify. I have to force it. (And I do.) Luckily I can drag some folks along now and then when the stars line up. :P
(And yeah, dating sites are awful now. They were a lot of fun around the late 2010s, but now they're just the worst. Between the predatory pricing of the services, and the ever-increasingly likelihood of generated scam content, it's not worth the effort now.)
Anyway, I wish I could say things get better. I haven't hit that point yet, just over a year in. I just got 'used' to it and found a routine, but it's tough. I don't know how the natural loners do it. It's scary stuff. Especially when you're older (49 here).
You asked on HN thinking that there would be at least one person who is pathetik enough to cope with such a lifestyle. You are correct.
But I don’t feel like answering this question.
Firstly, there's a difference between dealing with being alone and dealing with the emptiness of losing someone you love.
For being alone - many people will suggest you should try to get out and socialise, but imo this isn't a good coping strategy. I'd argue you need to learn how to enjoy your own company rather than be dependant on others for happiness. That's not to say you shouldn't try to get out the house and socialise from time to time, but it also shouldn't be painful for you to spend a few days by yourself.
Meditation will help with this. I used to hate being alone and would constantly try to fill my free time with social things to not feel alone, but I really enjoy being in my own company these days and never feel lonely anymore, even if there are times I want to be social. That took a lot of introspection, but I'm much better for doing it now.
Dealing with the emptiness of losing someone close is the harder bit here... I'd argue that again, you should try to embrace the pain rather than find ways to avoid or silence it.
First understand that one can replace the person you loved. Even if you find someone new, they're not the same person and will not replace your loss. This is why going on dates and trying to find someone new cannot work and if anything will only make you feel more empty and lost in most cases. You need to find ways to come to terms with your loss while not letting it control your life or overwhelm you.
I've been depressed for the vast majority of my life and I want to die almost every day, but for me it's quite manageable because I've learnt how to allow that pain be there without controlling me (more or less anyway – somedays can be hard). In my opinion medication, drugs/alcohol and other methods of silencing the pain don't work well long-term. You simply have to learn how to manage your mind.
My advice would be to go for a walk with your dog, not to avoid the emptiness you're feeling, but to embrace it. Go out specifically to experience how much it hurts going for a walk without the person you love by your side. Be really inquisitive about all of the emotions and thoughts that appear in your mind, and slowly learn how to come to terms with them.
Please don't take this as me suggesting you should come off the meds, but I do worry about you being on a cocktail of drugs to manage a natural human emotional response to loss. Keep in mind meds can also make you feel empty and unmotivated, but more importantly they're not much better than substance abuse as a means of coping with pain in my experience – prescription meds are just the socially acceptable way to do it. People will say, "yeah, but they work", and that's true of course, but it's also the problem. I can say from experience that alcohol extremely well as a way to manage emotions... But ultimately these are not good long-term strategies for dealing with emotional pain - assuming you rather not be dependant on these substances. But maybe you don't care about that, and that's fine. I have my reasons for feeling the way I do so can only speak from my own perspectives as someone who has struggled with the emotions you're feeling and nearly allowed it to kill me as a result.
Best of luck. At least being human is interesting, huh?
Oh, man. I feel you, i feel you so much.
I’ve gone through pretty nuch the same.
First things first… it’s gonna take time, to start feeling life normal again. It’s better if you already know about this beforehand. For me it was 1.5-2 years ago.
Talk to a psychologist. It’s good to be able to talk to somebody that is literally trained in helping you go through the pain of the trauma.
Go to the gym. It’s almost a meme, but trust me it works. It fucking works.
Start dieting along with the gym. Trust me, seeing yourself thinner and more tonic does help a lot.
I’m not sure what to advice about dating. I tried to date at the beginning but i quickly realised i was just trying to fill a void, and that just doesn’t work. Nowadays i managed to find my equilibrium, still single but i realised i got much more picky regarding women.
Do social stuff. For me it’s been a language course for a while (underwhelming, to be honest) and nowadays piano lessons.
Btw: stay away from the dating apps. They just don’t work, it’s an awful waste of time.
Good luck man!
Just for some perspective, it could be a lot worse.
Some of us:
- don't have a psychiatrist
- don't have medication or healthcare
- work remotely but their client often doesn't check in for days or over a week
- when they do they always mention they are extremely busy and only have a few minutes to talk
- are working overtime for outsourcing wages to just barely scrape by
- client usually fails to read messages and barely reviews work
- when client wants something like Sesame TTS for a big presentation in less than two weeks and you give PersonaPlex as an option and manage to build a whole fine tuning studio in a week and integrate the moshi fine tuning into PersonaPlex and create a LoRA that proves it can be trained for outgoing calls and for his specific use case.. but it is overfit and sounds rough and so instead of letting you do a few more iterations of tuning parameters etc. he instead tells you to start frantically generating more calls to look for good demos, even though the system has already been up and running for months and numerous audio files have been posted and available in the UI.. this making it impossible to complete the PersonaPlex demo on time..
- then when you spend all day going through old calls looking for good ones and create a zip file and he doesn't even see the message and when you remind him and try to manage expectations for call quality, he refuses to even listen to the files because he is too busy.. leading to a fight on the phone where you say the wrong thing and he suggests he might fire you, but in an ambiguous non-committal way so you don't even know if you are fired or if you are supposed to continue to scramble to complete 250 automated calls the next morning (even though the most done in a day has been around 100) or if that is a key task for his operation (supposedly was live data) or if it is completely unnecessary
- despite all of these problems overall has been one of the better clients in recent years
- has unresolved health issues
- does not have a dog
- does not have a cat
- lives in a small apartment where that's not allowed anyway
- does not have an IRC hangout
To be honest, there are a lot of levels of misery. And although it's valid to complain when things have gone downhill, from where I'm standing it looks a little bit like whining.
Although perhaps quite unhealthy, a lot of people cope partly with "parasocial" "relationships". In other words, watching the same Youtuber or whatever whenever they come out with a new video. I believe this profoundly reduces loneliness. Although obviously it's not an actual solution.
I believe that sunlight affects mood and everything quite a lot and so going outside or taking Vitamin D3 can help.
Whenever I hop on my Quest 3 there is always someone there to do Eleven table tennis with.
I think for me, for much of my adult life I've been in a state of poor health and poor financial situation and have actually avoided attempting to socialize because I feel I have to take care of other priorities before I can present to society in any confident way. Because people can tell that you are not quite well and don't have financial security, and they don't want to be around it.
Humans are social creatures. We’re not meant to live alone. The advise suggesting we should be able to seems to me like cope. I think you’re barking up the wrong tree.
The pain of loneliness exists because it signals harm, danger to you. The US is hyper-individualistic because it serves capitalism. They want you to be alone so that you can fill that "pain point" with all manner of pleasure sold to you. I can only urge you to stop being alone by joining a run club, improv class, and saying yes to every invite. Move to a big city if you don't live in one. You must do this.
Honestly, I think meeting people at 38 is really hard. Especially if your social skills are somewhat rusty.
I think a lof of the advice is well-thinking, but it's not very good as things aren't that easy.
I believe that the easiest is to get into something geeky, but not competitive. Maybe it's 3D printing, or treasure hunting, or setting up fish tanks, or board game design, or fan fiction writing, or cosplaying, these kinds of stuff. If it can be physical, it's good. Like, bouldering is fairly geeky. It's also very hard if you're on the heavy side.
I think the geeky competitive hobbies are not good. Like chess is not great to meet people, as you'll need a lot of time to build up the skill required to even talk to someone without sounding dumb.
You need something that:
1. You can spend long periods of time doing on your own.
2. Has a strong ONLINE community (it's a lot easier to get into online stuff)
3. Allows to occasionally meet up in person.
The main thing is that geeks are nice people. They are way more welcoming than the average couple who's usually tangled in kids' education, paying the mortgage back, seeing their friends and family. And you can meet people online, which in itself is social contact that's good for you.
If I was in your shoes, my plan would be:
- try geek stuff that requires some advice. More ideas: clay sculpting, jewelry making, woodworking, and find one that I like.
- seek online communities and chat to people there. This would allow me to build up my skills, show off my stuff, get feedback, and start creating friendships. I wouldn't worry about being online too much at this stage. I think I'd try to find different coomunication channels, like IRC and discord. I don't know if things like second life are still a thing, but this used to be good too.
- Become "someone" in these communities. Like people know who you are. At some point people don't talk about the hobby, but conversation easily go more intimate.
- Meet people up when you can.
On top of meeting people, this has a great benefit: you have something to talk about to other people.
Like if you get into treasure hunting (like I did for a while), it's a great conversation starter. People think you're a bit crazy, but they love to hear that you went in the woods with your pickaxe and your shovel.
Anyways, I know that's what I'd do.
Good luck
Go to the hard techno party. It will reshape your soul.
M.D.M.A and new friends
Probably a bit biased (as it's totally my modality) but maybe consider an extended ayahuasca retreat.
If you just want to talk about your day or receive psychological support or even answer questions like this one, LLMs are great: Opus 4.6 is currently considered the best, but also try Gemini and ChatGPT.
As for interacting with humans, if you are finding it hard, maybe you can try something that is easy because it has a structure, such as some sort of workshop where you either share in a circle or are paired with a random partner and share (ask LLMs for help in finding them).
Or even pay someone to talk to them, such as a psychotherapist or a counselor.
It's probably less damaging to recommend abusing Xanax than recommending using a LLM.
I solved my longstanding mental issues with one. Even therapeutic minimal doses of xanax will not do that.
Maybe you are right, though. Both are probably equally bad.