What a lovely article. There's a strong correlation between the energy you put out into the world and what you get back.
I often think that as I end up confirming a grumpy/aggressive person's expectation I'll be a bad customer, or confirming a kind/present persons's expectation I'll be a good one
I need to learn a similar lesson. My team lead isn't used to being questioned, and when I tried to correct him in a meeting it resulted in a big argument. I realized that I did so partly because I wanted to demonstrate my own knowledge. We were both being egotistical. Certainly he could have handled it better, but I could have avoided the problem entirely by finding a more tactful framing rather than correcting him publicly.
I guess the generalized version is "it's easier to get what you want through compromise and avoiding conflict." Or just, "you catch more flies with honey than vinegar."
The fun part about that truism is that when actually tried. You find out the flies love vinager, Far more than honey, something about the smell?
It could be said the other way around, which is also true, the best way to get someone to respond is not a well structured question but by being wrong.
I wouldn't say it's about compromise, or even avoiding conflict as such. The first thing we must always remember is what is true, right, and just, for our own sake above all. One ought never to compromise morally - you have lost the bigger game by doing so - and conflicts are simply a matter of fact, so it's all a matter of avoiding pointless engagement in conflicts that don't serve the good.
Now, unreasonable and malicious people will transgress the moral, so the question is then: if I must deal with this person, how do I do so as fruitfully as possible?
What egotistical people don't realize is that their vanity is not a strength, but their weakest asset. Humility is a kind of invulnerability, so to speak, because all humility is is a disposition to recognize the truth and to conform to it. Egotistical leaders are highly motivated by a need for validation, for reputation, and for "glory". So, if your boss is egotistical, you should manage it and leverage that ego for the intended aim. Don't take things personally. Focus on the rational goal you are all aiming at. Plant seeds in conversations so that the leader can permit himself to think your ideas are actually his. Surrender the spotlight to him. Let him bask in the blinding limelight. Attention is a prison; if he wants it so badly, let him have it. Magnanimous men are above such things.
Never resort to trickery. This will burn you in the end, especially when the truth comes out. Never flatter or resort to adulation or sycophancy - it is smarmy, demeaning, and undignified; you see plenty of this in Trump's circle - but recognize actual strengths of the leader.
Maintain composure (do not react with fear or eagerness to please), distance, and politeness. Be patient: this allows the egotistical leader's passions to cool down, creating more space for the rational. Frame acknowledgement and concession to someone else's good ideas and advice not as a loss - which is how egotists see things - but as a magnanimous act on his part. Magnanimity is foreign to the egotist, but his love of reputation and a desire to be seen as magnanimous suffices for practical purposes.
Warning: An ad on this page (that I somehow accidentally tapped) redirected me to an “Apple Support” scam that was so nasty in its attempts to fire a tel: url to start a call, that tapping “Back” wasn’t possible. Beware of malware here.
Slightly related to the article. I have a personal cargo bike. The most fun that I have with it is giving friends a ride home from a party. People instantly start giggling and laughing. It's goofy, you get stares and people curious
I can relate but I've found it's really less about the people and more about my current state and how (in)frequent is my exposure to them.
I started renting a desk in a co-working space starting this year and there's a new guy here who conducts his meetings in the room instead of going to the conference booth and uses a pretty loud mechanical keyboard.
Half a year ago, when I was still working from home and not going out much, I would lose my shit. It's not that it's not annoying, I'm just a little bit desensitized to it.
They're popular in London too. The scam seems to be that if tourists don't arrange the price beforehand, it'll be arbitrarily inflated - they don't run a meter like a licensed taxi.
Always ask for a quote. That means every ride, not every visit to that city. And confirm what methods of payment they can take before you get in. If they're evasive or you get a bad vibe, don't get in.
If you decide to change your destination, make sure you get an updated quote first, for your sake and the driver's.
(London perspective), I've intervened from tourists getting scammed before from these guys, and they get violent very quickly. Especially fun because they have their gang all around.
Unlicensed, unmaintained, motorized vehicles on pedestrian paths, a miracle no one has been killed yet.
It's kind of insane, and is a microcosm of the UK's inability to do anything.
- Everyone hates them, from residents, to businesses, to the tourists that get harassed by them.
- There are multiple laws, that if the police wanted to, they could enforce at any time.
- Nothing gets done.
It is an impressive level of apathy from an already toothless government.
Yes, much like how they've regulated delivery drivers. The person listed on the app is definitely the one that delivers, very effective.
I detest the concept that we need yet another "law" before we can actual enforce anything. There are plenty of laws being broken already, we should go and prosecute them before we start making up new ones to ignore.
It's not that easy. He had those little chains strung across the side exits and wouldn't remove them until I paid. I told him they don't let you out of Canada with that kind of cash but he didn't believe me and laid siege to my day while eating a slice of pizza like a taco. The worst thing was that this was my second mishap with non-combustion locomotion that day. ...I still swear that was not the real Secretariat and that Central Park isn't in New Jersey.
Hm. Ok, well, I guess we would have handled that differently.
I had something similar happen in Germany, on the way from the (international) airport to a hotel the driver started some kind of spiel that suddenly his banking machine had broken and he couldn't take card payments. My friend/colleague Jaap who was with me said we'd pay cash and I said no way, and after fiddling for a bit with his phone (mine wasn't a smartphone) gave the driver a different address. When we ended up in front of the police station the driver became a lot more friendly, drove us to the hotel instead and suddenly found that his banking machine had miraculously started working again...
I find that by giving in to such fraud I'm helping to perpetrate it so I've vowed not to let it happen, at the same time there is always a chance that such an interaction would turn violent. After all, they've already decided they want to steal from you. My weighing of this is that they have more to lose than me because I'm a transient and they are not.
If they don't let you out of a vehicle, that's kidnapping and / or extortion and a call to the police should resolve it quickly. In a functioning society, anyway.
Easy to say from the comfort of my terminal, but some urban advice:
Remove the chains and get out; most important is your freedom and safety. They aren't going to risk prison for assault and battery. If they give you trouble, call the police immediately. Take a photo of them and text it to a friend. Don't act intimidated no matter what; it just makes them think they are getting somewhere with you.
Then offer a reasonable fare. If they don't accept, offer to call the police and let law enforcement sort it out. They'll take the fare.
The problem with these is that they are often ran by actual gangs - if you try that, you will find yourself very quickly surrounded by multiple angry looking men who will not let you leave unless you pay.
What a lovely article. There's a strong correlation between the energy you put out into the world and what you get back.
I often think that as I end up confirming a grumpy/aggressive person's expectation I'll be a bad customer, or confirming a kind/present persons's expectation I'll be a good one
This really is a beautiful article for those who have ears to hear.
I need to learn a similar lesson. My team lead isn't used to being questioned, and when I tried to correct him in a meeting it resulted in a big argument. I realized that I did so partly because I wanted to demonstrate my own knowledge. We were both being egotistical. Certainly he could have handled it better, but I could have avoided the problem entirely by finding a more tactful framing rather than correcting him publicly.
I guess the generalized version is "it's easier to get what you want through compromise and avoiding conflict." Or just, "you catch more flies with honey than vinegar."
"you catch more flies with honey than vinegar."
The fun part about that truism is that when actually tried. You find out the flies love vinager, Far more than honey, something about the smell?
It could be said the other way around, which is also true, the best way to get someone to respond is not a well structured question but by being wrong.
Praise in public, critique in private.
I wouldn't say it's about compromise, or even avoiding conflict as such. The first thing we must always remember is what is true, right, and just, for our own sake above all. One ought never to compromise morally - you have lost the bigger game by doing so - and conflicts are simply a matter of fact, so it's all a matter of avoiding pointless engagement in conflicts that don't serve the good.
Now, unreasonable and malicious people will transgress the moral, so the question is then: if I must deal with this person, how do I do so as fruitfully as possible?
What egotistical people don't realize is that their vanity is not a strength, but their weakest asset. Humility is a kind of invulnerability, so to speak, because all humility is is a disposition to recognize the truth and to conform to it. Egotistical leaders are highly motivated by a need for validation, for reputation, and for "glory". So, if your boss is egotistical, you should manage it and leverage that ego for the intended aim. Don't take things personally. Focus on the rational goal you are all aiming at. Plant seeds in conversations so that the leader can permit himself to think your ideas are actually his. Surrender the spotlight to him. Let him bask in the blinding limelight. Attention is a prison; if he wants it so badly, let him have it. Magnanimous men are above such things.
Never resort to trickery. This will burn you in the end, especially when the truth comes out. Never flatter or resort to adulation or sycophancy - it is smarmy, demeaning, and undignified; you see plenty of this in Trump's circle - but recognize actual strengths of the leader.
Maintain composure (do not react with fear or eagerness to please), distance, and politeness. Be patient: this allows the egotistical leader's passions to cool down, creating more space for the rational. Frame acknowledgement and concession to someone else's good ideas and advice not as a loss - which is how egotists see things - but as a magnanimous act on his part. Magnanimity is foreign to the egotist, but his love of reputation and a desire to be seen as magnanimous suffices for practical purposes.
Warning: An ad on this page (that I somehow accidentally tapped) redirected me to an “Apple Support” scam that was so nasty in its attempts to fire a tel: url to start a call, that tapping “Back” wasn’t possible. Beware of malware here.
Browsing the internet without an ad blocker is indeed dangerous.
So happy to see sheldonbrown.com is still up. So much valuable information there.
Slightly related to the article. I have a personal cargo bike. The most fun that I have with it is giving friends a ride home from a party. People instantly start giggling and laughing. It's goofy, you get stares and people curious
What a great site design. Easy to read, simple layout almost comforting.
Sheldon Brown's website is to bicycles, as Arch Linux Wiki is to linux.
I must be unenlightened because this job would make me quite misanthropic. Even sitting in a doctors waiting room gives me that feeling.
I can relate but I've found it's really less about the people and more about my current state and how (in)frequent is my exposure to them.
I started renting a desk in a co-working space starting this year and there's a new guy here who conducts his meetings in the room instead of going to the conference booth and uses a pretty loud mechanical keyboard.
Half a year ago, when I was still working from home and not going out much, I would lose my shit. It's not that it's not annoying, I'm just a little bit desensitized to it.
It seems to me that a significant point of the article is that this is a choice you're continuously making, not an immutable fact about you.
That's quite the story. I have a family member that spent some time on a taxi and the stories are much the same. Assholes aplenty.
Quite different than the scam pedicabs that operate in US cities now.
They're popular in London too. The scam seems to be that if tourists don't arrange the price beforehand, it'll be arbitrarily inflated - they don't run a meter like a licensed taxi.
Always ask for a quote. That means every ride, not every visit to that city. And confirm what methods of payment they can take before you get in. If they're evasive or you get a bad vibe, don't get in.
If you decide to change your destination, make sure you get an updated quote first, for your sake and the driver's.
What’s the scam?
They’ll end up charging you like $120 for a 10 min trip by just being deceptive and evasive about the fee structure.
(London perspective), I've intervened from tourists getting scammed before from these guys, and they get violent very quickly. Especially fun because they have their gang all around.
Unlicensed, unmaintained, motorized vehicles on pedestrian paths, a miracle no one has been killed yet.
It's kind of insane, and is a microcosm of the UK's inability to do anything.
- Everyone hates them, from residents, to businesses, to the tourists that get harassed by them.
- There are multiple laws, that if the police wanted to, they could enforce at any time.
- Nothing gets done.
It is an impressive level of apathy from an already toothless government.
They have finally after many years put some legislation in to allow TfL to regulate them. It comes into force this October.
https://tfl.gov.uk/info-for/media/press-releases/2026/februa...
Yes, much like how they've regulated delivery drivers. The person listed on the app is definitely the one that delivers, very effective.
I detest the concept that we need yet another "law" before we can actual enforce anything. There are plenty of laws being broken already, we should go and prosecute them before we start making up new ones to ignore.
Then you give them the finger and walk away.
It's not that easy. He had those little chains strung across the side exits and wouldn't remove them until I paid. I told him they don't let you out of Canada with that kind of cash but he didn't believe me and laid siege to my day while eating a slice of pizza like a taco. The worst thing was that this was my second mishap with non-combustion locomotion that day. ...I still swear that was not the real Secretariat and that Central Park isn't in New Jersey.
Hm. Ok, well, I guess we would have handled that differently.
I had something similar happen in Germany, on the way from the (international) airport to a hotel the driver started some kind of spiel that suddenly his banking machine had broken and he couldn't take card payments. My friend/colleague Jaap who was with me said we'd pay cash and I said no way, and after fiddling for a bit with his phone (mine wasn't a smartphone) gave the driver a different address. When we ended up in front of the police station the driver became a lot more friendly, drove us to the hotel instead and suddenly found that his banking machine had miraculously started working again...
I find that by giving in to such fraud I'm helping to perpetrate it so I've vowed not to let it happen, at the same time there is always a chance that such an interaction would turn violent. After all, they've already decided they want to steal from you. My weighing of this is that they have more to lose than me because I'm a transient and they are not.
If they don't let you out of a vehicle, that's kidnapping and / or extortion and a call to the police should resolve it quickly. In a functioning society, anyway.
Easy to say from the comfort of my terminal, but some urban advice:
Remove the chains and get out; most important is your freedom and safety. They aren't going to risk prison for assault and battery. If they give you trouble, call the police immediately. Take a photo of them and text it to a friend. Don't act intimidated no matter what; it just makes them think they are getting somewhere with you.
Then offer a reasonable fare. If they don't accept, offer to call the police and let law enforcement sort it out. They'll take the fare.
The problem with these is that they are often ran by actual gangs - if you try that, you will find yourself very quickly surrounded by multiple angry looking men who will not let you leave unless you pay.